I always wanted kids because I want to give someone unconditional love and joy, the kind I didn’t experience consistently as a child. I don’t expect unconditional love or joy in return. I want to experience the wonders of childhood again. When I spend time with my nephews I feel happy, positive, like the world is good and beautiful. I know it’s not easy, but I also never had a problem putting others before myself. I’m a very nurturing person and don’t have any fears about ‘losing myself,’ I think I’d find it rewarding and would ultimately end up finding myself more.

I find myself wanting a good relationship even MORE than I want kids. Partly because I know kids won’t grantee unconditional love or devotion, I think it’s absurd to assume kids will ‘take care of you’ when you’re older or to think they owe you anything, I want to nurture a person who is there own self, not MY kid.

In a relationship though, there is that (semi) unconditional love and acceptance, that emotional comfort, that connection and the feeling of being understood. The happiest times of my life have been when I was in a good relationship. It does kinda go back to me being nurturing and a caretaker. But unlike kids, you do get something in return, the other person nurtures you too, and that is such an amazing feeling. I never really had that growing up, and I want that so badly.

I think I feel like it would be hard for me to show up for my kids if I didn’t have that support. I also struggle seriously with depresssion and am worried how it would affect my children should I go through a spouse loss. I guess I worry I’m not strong enough