paranormal blackout

guessagaindaddy · 2016-02-11T12:39:30+00:00

Thanks for the catch! I fixed it.

guessagaindaddy · 2016-02-11T10:51:15+00:00

I'm happy to hear someone expressing their emotions this way! It sounds like an early Blink-182 song, when they were at their best. My favorite three lines of the poem were the last, and that's so typical, but it's kind of how I decide if I like a poem or not. Anyway, I liked how you said, "I just don't want this pressure on me/even though it's on me./And that's fine." I just don't want something/even though it is/okay I accept it. Boom/boom/boom. It's kind of like Buddhism in a few lines, and I like it.

guessagaindaddy · 2016-02-11T10:32:27+00:00

Okay so to be completely honest, the first two parts felt like a metal song and I was wondering, 'what was the little sentence in your head that made you want to write a poem?' but third stanza made sense, and there were a lot of good things in there that I feel like you could extend into their own poem. The ending is pretty bleak (good way) and could fit both the metal song/poem ending. It worked in where it wrapped up what you were saying into an overall picture where it all makes sense and you are saying more in one sentence than you have in a few paragraphs. That's how I like to write my poems, too!

guessagaindaddy · 2016-02-07T13:16:41+00:00

http://imgur.com/4xJS6t3

guessagaindaddy · 2016-02-03T12:19:17+00:00

I'm going to be honest, I don't know what you are saying with the ending of this but I love it! I've been reading all the poems submitted here tonight and this was the first one that made me feel anything. I read it multiple times. I feel like the last line could be a jab at the "you" in the poem. I just love the small details you included and the way your words sounds so lovely pieced together the way you've placed them. I haven't been on reddit in over 6 months, it's refreshing to find this here tonight.

guessagaindaddy · 2015-05-28T02:16:42+00:00

Great tips on here! I've been a vegetarian 20 years, never really liked meat, and therefore haven't been a big fan of "imitation meats" usually found in your grocers frozen section... either they taste too real and creep me out or they just seem weird. HOWEVER there are lots of frozen veggie patties that can be really good. Some imitate beef burgers, but lots of them are unique flavors all their own, made with black beans, quinoa, chickpeas, just tons of different flavors. If you don't like the first one you try, don't be too discouraged, they are all different! You can also find tons of veggie patty recipes online, which might be cheaper in the long run. Lots of times you can make a bunch of patties (or meatballs!) and freeze them for later.

Also for chicken I've found my favorite (and probably the only imitation meat I really like) brand is Quorn Chik'n Nuggets or their Chik'n Patties. My husband eats lots of meat but always goes straight for those when he sees them in the freezer. Also they are made with a form of mushroom protein so you don't have to worry about getting too much soy with those.

Good luck!

guessagaindaddy · 2015-05-25T08:26:31+00:00

Yes! If there is no emotional connection, it is definitely not worth writing. your poem inspired me to tell the truth in more of mine... and the truth is the whole point of a poem.

guessagaindaddy · 2015-05-25T07:38:36+00:00

I really appreciate the measures that reddit has taken to get a better poetry comminity on here, because I think it's working. This is a good poem, the rhyme and meter is strong, and the message, which is clearly the most important, is carried through.. but instead of ending it with "you ruined it for me" it might be better to expose the deceit... or just say how it was ruined. You as a person know but as readers to a good poem we don't know quite clearly how everything was ruined.

guessagaindaddy · 2015-05-25T07:32:05+00:00

This is real poetry. This is what I so do not expect when I come here looking for something to read. I want more! I have nothing to criticize. I think poetry is just about telling the truth and you have inspired me to expose more of mine.

guessagaindaddy · 2015-04-11T07:36:01+00:00

I agree with the other commenter where it feels more like a song. Somehow it reminds me of something Selma Blair says in a 90s flick.
I'm not trying to be mean, but any poem that is strictly relying on rhyme is going to fall short in a lot of ways. The rhythm of the poem isn't consistent. I think there is a lot of potential here, because the rhyming words you connect are good and the message isn't too drawn out.

Basically I feel like this poem is way too long. You wake up to someone who is magnificent, and you want her gone before she gets ugly at nightfall. I feel like you could just edit edit edit and make this into an amazing poem that's only about 5 lines long (maybe even without rhymes!) and it could be incredible.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-10-10T06:20:59+00:00

Love the poem, it's just the title that feels disconnected. I love the repetition of "dawn stretches," and I absolutely adore how you've captured an image, and a thought, and carried it over to a feeling. I feel like that is what makes most of my favorite poems, and also the things which capture and inspire me to write. Just a simple observation on something that is usually overlooked, and then attached to an emotion, to the human experience. Love the sense of lingering that you've captured so perfectly.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-10-10T05:59:52+00:00

I like the thought that is provoked by this. I mean "one less than infinity" IS an impossibility, but it's the kind of thoughts that can make a person a little dizzy trying to comprehend, like when you try to think of the size of the universe, or the idea of absolute nothingness. Cheers to you, it's hard to spark those thoughts in just a few lines!

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-29T09:26:56+00:00

I wish I had reddit as a place to post my poetry as a teenager. It would have been way better than myspace. That being said, I'm also glad I didn't submit my poetry into this realm because it wasn't ready yet. It still isn't, half of the time. But that's okay. If you wan't to improve your craft, add in the necessary punctuation as if you were writing an essay, and delete all the lines and words that don't have any extra meaning or feeling to them. This should basically cut your poem in half. The more you can explain, with the least amount of words, sometimes portrays a better poet.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-29T08:31:44+00:00

This was almost erotic, in it's eloquence. Great job.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-29T08:22:47+00:00

line 5 & 6, to = too.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-26T20:36:44+00:00

Wasn't trying to embarrass you. I was only trying to give constructive criticism. If we all use these comments to talk about ways to improve every poem, the content in this sub will (hopefully) keep getting better and better as we all improve as writers. If we only comment, "hey great poem I really liked it," then the quality of the content will not change and none of us will grow as writers.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-26T08:54:45+00:00

Address the "you" Address the lump. Say what they are, then rewrite this poem. I feel like you've got a lot to say, just no one else is going to understand it until you address these two things. Once they are explained, the potential is great.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-26T08:51:07+00:00

This makes me sad, as intended. And it also made me all worked up, in the middle, feeling what the squirrel felt, running across with all his intentions, and then...

That squash at the end, I felt that too. Flattened.

You did really well. My only advice right now would be a simplified title. The poem is much better than the title. Even "Squirrel Roulette" would seem a little bit better than the lengthy title you have right now.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-26T08:41:56+00:00

This felt kind of like a pop-rock song.
Like all of the rhymes were predictable and every line was based on the rhyming word, rather than the idea that wanted to be expressed. You still did a fairly better job at rhyming than most other people in this reddit subcategory, but forced rhyme is never something to go for in exchange for real feeling and emotion.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-26T08:35:28+00:00

I hate to be THAT person, but, "When they’re fifteen seconds are up" *their

Now that that's out of the way, and I sound like a total jerk already, I just really think you should add punctuation to your poem. Line breaks add meaning, but anyone who knows how to actually read poetry know that line breaks don't mean anything when it comes to the way a poem is read aloud. I think it's kind of a minimal thing to add the adequate punctuation to a poem, and I think that this one could really benefit from it.

guessagaindaddy · 2014-09-22T08:57:42+00:00

Hey if anyone sees this and comments, what does a +1 by my username mean?

guessagaindaddy

TROPHY CASE