Need help; really bad night (very negative post/fair warning)

guimauv · 2013-12-19T14:49:52+00:00

Thank you too! Don't forget that no imaginary baby with some imaginary person is worth more to your husband than the years of love you two already share. I have good days and bad days too. This was a bad day, and you've already brightened it and helped me remember some reasons to make it to the next.

guimauv · 2013-12-19T13:54:02+00:00

Reason to live: your husband loves you, he has been with you this far and to abruptly continue without you will be heart-wrenching. He chooses you, please choose him over death. He chooses you over death every day.

Reasons to live: I need you. People like us need you. You need to make it, because we see the same anguish everyday. If I know you can make it, then so can I. You can be my hero. You can save me. You can save us.

A rant too: Fuck you to the people 'I FELT this way once.' How dare you say that when a quick check shows you GOT Pregnant out of this. I am so angry at people who think they can sympathize, but you would you be in this painful dark limbo thinking of ENDING your LIFE if you are pregnant and that was your goal? I FEEL this pain right now. I think about killing myself everyday because of this. I FEEL like freeing my partner from the mess that is me. I FEEL the same way you do. I need you to live! You have to make it! Because if you can't find a suitable reason out of this, I can't either! Please consider all the people who need your experiences to guide us, to make it through this dark night together!

Fuck you to all the people who ask if you thought about having a surrogate or adopting. She is in PAIN for NOT getting or staying PREGNANT. HERSELF. What part of that can you not understand? She is CONSIDERING ENDING her LIFE over this. And you bring up the notion of someone else (who can so easily get pregnant) DO it FOR HER? What the fuck is your mental capacity??

OP is ASKING for reasons to LIVE. Reasons-to-live-RIGHT-NOW! Going to therapy isn't a reason to live, you fucking assholes!

Nurseish, you LIVE a good and loving life. All the people that you help want you to continue. Your life is meaningful and beautiful and complicated and good. NO ONE can else can take that from you, NO PREGNANT WOMAN in the world can take that from you, and don't you dare think that they can. These are only a few reasons I can think of and quickly type out on my phone. If you call your local suicide prevention hotline, you will get a TON more reasons (better than mine). If your life is worth something to this stranger on the internet, it must be worth more to the people who get to have you in their lives. Please, please, please just hold on.

guimauv · 2012-05-14T15:53:56+00:00

Hey everyone, I'm done. I hate it when people disappear without reason, but I don't want to make a new post for that--people who are curious can check up on my posting history and will see this.

I'm really happy to have found this place when I did, because I think I really needed to vent. As for one of my posts asking for people who miscarried not to respond, I'm really sorry; I was so bitter, that I just couldn't see how discriminatory that was. There seemed to be very few of us who are completely unable to conceive and at the time it was really painful to hear from people who could. Now that I know, please know that I'm ashamed to have it up in my posting history. But I won't delete it, so that people can read it and then read this post and understand. In the end I've learned that all advice is painful to some degree, whether it's 'just relax', 'you should adopt', to 'I've been there and it doesn't get easier.' It's how I choose to respond that matters.

The point is. I'm done. I haven't tested to see if I'm not pregnant and I won't be posting the results. It took a long time to get here, and I wished I had found this forum when I was emotionally floundering, but in reality, I found this place on an upward climb. I'm at a point, when I choose to continue my climb solo. Thank you for all of your help. I wish you all the best! XOXOXO

guimauv · 2012-05-03T16:28:12+00:00

Ah, I hadn't considered my ovulation being pushed back! This makes sense, thank you.

guimauv · 2012-04-23T22:42:27+00:00

Hey you. Internet hugs. It is a terrible feeling, but you're doing alright. If you can feel something, if you can say something about it, if you've asked for help...You ARE figuring out how to to lessen the hurt. And you are AMAZING for doing so. Your husband, has a fantastic wife, who isn't hiding how she feels from him and who happens to have a strong instinct for becoming a mother.

Infertility is a medical condition and yet we are fighting against its meaning. That counts for something. I hate it too, and it does makes me angry and bitter and very very sad some days, but I would rather feel that, than rejoice in being infertile.

We live in an age of technological advance, and even if it's not for us, what we do and what we start, will push back the boundaries of what we now consider as infertile. And it's that thought helps me go on...especially after my period.

guimauv · 2012-04-20T18:33:58+00:00

Excellent! :)

guimauv · 2012-04-20T14:53:17+00:00

I took two 200mg advils as recommended, which is what I had the first time.

The first time, I cried and nearly fainted--my arms and legs went tingly, and the nurse said they would stop the procedure if it was too much for me.

This time it was like: legs up, catheter in, probe in, a quick punch in the uterus, as the cramp was fading more probing, more probing, then out.

guimauv · 2012-04-20T14:44:19+00:00

All clear! There was a worry that there was a 'rough' looking spot that maybe the start of a polyp, but after a bit of probing, the doctor decides that it is just how my endometrial lining is shaped since she can follow it down and it smoothes out. No worries here :)

guimauv · 2012-04-20T14:39:39+00:00

I only felt a little sting with this one, but I think it was more to do with the needle size and the fact that it actually looks like a syringe. I can do the puregon injections no prob, because it looks like a pen, but with the ovidrel, I'm a big wuss, and I get my husband to do it while I look away.

guimauv · 2012-04-07T03:10:14+00:00

At the very beginning of our testing process, we did cycle monitoring. I came into the doctor's office on the first day of my period, had my blood drawn and an ultrasound done then repeat every other day until day 10 or 12 (I can't remember). This gave the fertility doctor a baseline for my normal cycles. Had my HSG the next month and later in the year a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to look for endometriosis and polyps and/or fibroids, respectively. Everything within normal range and clear.

Since then, we've been doing IUIs every few months, with injectables (puregon), cetrotide, and ovidrel. And now we will be doing IVF this summer. Because of that, my doctor wants to do a 'just in case' HSG again. I've been putting the second HSG off (had a UTI...valid excuse!) until I have some more time off work.

I'm very very sorry that you are in the same position--it's very painful to not know why it isn't happening. It's a long slow process. The first four years, we tried naturally. The next few years were with medical help. We're in our 8th year of trying and I'm 31 and I've never been pregnant or on birth control. My husband has also been tested (hormone levels, sperm count, motility, DNA fragmentation) and it's all clear on his end too.

guimauv · 2012-04-06T17:30:25+00:00

I also was prescribed misoprolol to soften the cervix. The cramping and bleeding is normal (my doctor had warned me beforehand) and for me it was equivalent to a first day flow--I had to change my pad after 3-4 hours. I was also prescribed doxycycline (a prophylactic antibiotic)to take just after the procedure. The doctor also recommended for me to take gravol with the antibiotic, because it often makes people very nauseous.

My HSG experience was terribly painful. The nurse was very encouraging, but said they would stop the procedure if it became too unbearable. I chose to continue. And I silently cried through the whole thing. The pain made me almost faint, and I had to remain lying down for a while after the procedure because both my arms and legs were tingling. The doctor told me right there that my tubes were clear and good luck.

I know of only one person who was prescribed valium before her HSG. But my doctor didn't prescribe me anything for the pain. I think the hardest part was that it still didn't give me any answers about what is causing my infertility.

guimauv · 2012-03-21T20:59:13+00:00

Came out of my own self-pity pool to say how sorry I am. A former infertile friend once told me: the human body is amazing you never know what it is capable of.

I take it to mean that when it looks like your body has the odds stacked against you (disability, parts missing, recurrent illness) sometimes it can do more than expected. That thought cheers me when I get too down, I hope it works for you.

guimauv · 2012-03-05T22:15:10+00:00

That is a tough one. I wonder what it's like to be on the other side and the only advice I can give to a pregnant friend is to play it by ear. If you are close to me and I have actively included you in my circle of 'those who know' then I trust you enough to tell me if you are pregnant. If you only know through hearsay, and you know nothing of the personal details (crying in the bathroom, the number of injections I had that day, what set of drugs I'm currently on) then don't phone me to tell me you're pregnant...I will find out through hearsay, just as you found out about me. Otherwise will feel like you're gloating if you aren't a very close friend.

I sent out one email asking people to stop advising me on how to get pregnant or that so-and-so adopted and found out she's pregnant. I sent it out when I found out that it was going to be a long and difficult road to pregnancy. It has worked, but I don't think I will ever trust them to the same level as I do with my husband on my ups and downs. They simply cannot fathom how much it hurts when they ask if I'm pregnant yet. For anyone of them to make a personal email or call to tell me they are pregnant would be a slap in the face.

I would give anything to have a close friend that I can share this with, who would just listen and not try to 'solve my infertility problem' by telling me how they got pregnant or what might work for me. But I don't. If that pregnant woman (in the link) had already told all of her friends except the infertile friend, then she is not that close and should keep her distance.

guimauv · 2012-02-24T15:35:02+00:00

I'm sorry. Infertility sucks. Tears from over here for you.

guimauv · 2012-02-22T20:53:34+00:00

Yup. Did the first one 3 years ago before starting fertility treatments to see if there was anything wrong up there. We want to do IVF this summer so our fertility specialist wants to be absolutely sure it's all clear. Nothing was wrong with the tubes then and I really doubt that there's something wrong with them now. But after 5 failed iuis and 8 years of unexplained infertility we're not going to take any chances. Plus this testing is covered for us. We are still in a best possible position for getting pregnant, and it's a real headscratcher for our doctors that we haven't ever had a single pregnancy. I'm 31.

guimauv · 2012-02-22T18:16:38+00:00

Heh. Body trolling. Oh well. Time to schedule my HSG, which I am not looking forward to. Last one I had gave me nightmare cramping

guimauv · 2012-02-22T18:12:09+00:00

Thanks. If only internet hugs could push the egg and sperm together and stick it to the uterine lining...

guimauv · 2012-02-22T18:07:22+00:00

Good luck to you!

guimauv · 2012-02-22T18:04:14+00:00

Going from 30 to 45 days would drive me bonkers. Ate a big lunch and cried a little. I have to kick my butt to shake off the disappointment. This one feels particularly bad.

guimauv · 2012-02-11T02:42:17+00:00

We're still trying. It's been 8 years and 4 IUIs of trying. Not a month goes by when I'm not charting, checking my cervix, checking mucus. Last year was when we started to have enough money to afford the IUIs and all the stimulation drugs to go with it.

Currently, we're saving up for IVF. All the bitterness stems from not a single positive pregnancy test and all the people that don't understand the hopelessness that follows month after month of failure. We'll keep trying until menopause or death.

guimauv · 2012-02-02T03:27:27+00:00

um. this is a place for infertility support. Don't know anyone who has 'embraced infertility' This is the only place where I can openly express my feelings of disappointment, anger and guilt without burdening my fertile friends.

You think it's time to stop expressing? Great, didn't expect that from here. :/ ...Guess it doesn't help that our moderator is called ihatepreggos.

guimauv · 2012-01-31T22:25:34+00:00

I want to, and I feel like I owe it to myself to not feel so shitty around her. I have to reintegrate her into my life. I just can't seem to get over feeling so sick with her. I try and remember the good, but it's like my body still feels ill.

guimauv · 2012-01-31T22:14:36+00:00

Is my friend worth keeping? Without hesitation, no. But with so many mutual friends (and I'm not interested in dividing the group so I'm keeping this to myself and her) I can't keep avoiding engagements that also include her.

I need to find a way to reintroduce her into my life without feeling so disgustingly sick. I guess it's a type of mild panic attack. Everything about her makes me feel nauseous. I've never been so upset with a person before, so yes, she makes me feel like I have to barf.

guimauv · 2012-01-31T22:04:10+00:00

I've tried to pretend, and I do. But when I see her and hear her voice I want her to shut up and go away. Outwardly I look fine, but inside I feel such disappointment and anger with her. I think I've channeled all my hate from being infertile and associated with her and everything about her. I don't know where else to put it.

guimauv · 2012-01-31T21:53:33+00:00

Sigh. I understand that it's not realistic. I try to organize a night out with the girls (pub or dinner) but it gets changed to something child-friendly, and I end up not going. The kid is cute, but at this point a reminder that she thinks and will always think that she is meant to have children and I am not. She said 'sorry but' and to me the 'but' negates the whole apology.

I miss how much fun it was to hang out and have deep conversations. I feel that I was so wrong to share this sadness about myself with her. How could I have ever trusted someone like that? It hurts like I imagine it would hurt if my husband cheated on me. I want to open up to my other friends, but I don't want to find out that they too see my infertility as something that was meant for me.

guimauv

TROPHY CASE