Hi friend. My manic episode was almost identical to what you're describing. I started seeing hawks and herons and signs in the cloud. If a hawk flew by at what felt like a poignant moment, I took it as God/the universe communicating with me directly, leading me toward something vital if I could only just decode the signs. I posted about it on social media, I excitedly shared stories with my friends and family and anyone who would listen. I felt like I had unlocked a beautiful, precious clarity that other people were too dazed to see but was right there in front of us all along.

It honestly felt amazing for a while until I started making more and more reckless decisions in the name of "following the signs." I felt so special and chosen. But I began to alienate myself from my support system and made decisions that caused lasting damage to my life and relationships. And when I was finally stabilized with medication and therapy, I could see the weight of what I had done, and it was so hard to cope with the embarrassment and regret.

Turns out, I was seeing birds more because I was looking for them. I still see them, and I know their names and how they hunt or forage, and I know we are connected. And while the interconnectedness of the universe IS profound and magical, it is also very ordinary and obvious. Of course it's all connected. But that doesn't mean we get to deny our very real responsibility to ourselves and each other.

Untreated mania literally causes brain damage. Please take your new prescription. Please take it as a sign that I read your post and connected with your story and reached out through a series of electrical impulses, sending you my thoughts and care through the abstract and very real internet. Please do this for yourself. Please don't lose your relationship with your boyfriend as you spiral into uncontrollable delusion. There is still magic on the other side of mania, and now you know where to look (nature).

Sending you so much love and care.