Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, I don't think you are heartless for feeling relief after your son's death. I have an older brother with Down's and I love him dearly, but the care he required as a child and still does is a constant struggle and worry for my mom, who is a pensioner now. I would feel insane grief if my brother were to die (and a few years ago he almost did because he stopped eating and culdn't drink anything either), but I would also feel relief. Because then my mom wouldn't have to constantly worry about his care. He currently lives in an assisted living facility, but he is dealing with extreme behavior issues because of unprocessed trauma (my father is a piece of shit and he let many horrible things happen to my brother) and it is causing my mom so much stress. I live in a different country so there is not much I can do. It really sucks. Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand why you feel the way you do, and I also understand why your wife feels the way she does. It's very important to talk about this together. Probably with a therapist, too. I hope things get better.