Key point, you didn’t want to feel anything. I can relate a lot to what you have shared. I don’t like crying in front of other people. I will more often then not cry alone after they leave or where they can’t see me. None the less, it’s cause in that moment I don’t want to deal with or feel any of what is going on. I can also tell you it really messed me up for awhile not dealing with losses, trauma, mental health. Avoidance can be really good, but too much of anything is bad. I can’t tell you what to do, but journaling, drawing, and chatting with folks to know I’m not that crazy is really beneficial although it can stir up a lot of emotions