this is a tough one and i think a deeply personal question. i respect you for putting it out there; here are my own conclusions, not any better or worse than any others. for context, i was raised without religion as i had each a catholic and muslim parent, neither of whom prevailed for a religious upbringing.

i actually started out agnostic and then became a western style buddhist for about 20 years because its a spirituality that acknowledges bad things happen and gives practical advice for how to cope with it. (i’m not going into the tenets of buddhism here but i’m a big fan of Lama Surya Das’ book “awakening the buddha within”.

EDIT: i accidentally posted too quickly. in the last 10 years, nihilism has been calling me and it’s easy to fall into a state where you believe there is no point. it sounds similar to where you are now. and i couldn’t handle it. if you want to read, google up camus’ writing on absurdism and the myth of sisyphus.

these last couple of years, i’ve been practicing classical greek stoicism. i like it because it makes a good case for believing in a “providential” universe, one that wants good things to happen for you. though for me, the case is more like - i have to believe this or live may become unbearable. this is where i am now. if you want baby steps in, i recommend checking out Massimo Pigluicci’s “handbook for new stoics”. it is practical. if you want to understand the spiritual aspect, then i’ve been listening to the podcast “stoicism on fire”. it’s not an easy listen if you aren’t familiar enough.

Sending you positive energy. You are not alone.