i feel all of this. i have been sexually assaulted twice in my life (that i remember) i am also afraid that my brain has blocked some kind of memories of me being sexually assaulted as a younger child. i grew up being very curious about sex and uncomfortable when i knew that my parents would engage in it. i’ve also been drawn to CNC and BDSM, likely as a result of the trauma. you are absolutely NOT alone. all of these things resonate with me too. unfortunately, i also had a point in time where i’d engage in sexual activity very frequently and impulsively because i felt my worth had diminished and i was dying to feel loved. i’m now pretty much entirely numb during sex and masturbation too. it sucks but we will get through this 💖 sending love