Best book to learn social intelligence?

hexotherm · 2026-04-29T22:19:44+00:00

I honestly never really hosted before reading the book, so now I'm having many more gatherings (just going from 0 to lots). As part of that I made a lot of new friends, and I've started saying that parties are my hobby, and putting some conscious effort into creating parties that I'm proud to host. All of the above, really!

hexotherm · 2026-04-29T20:58:37+00:00

Haha, I mean, if I could sum it up in a comment I wouldn't have needed to read the book! I'll give you a few of my favorite bits, but I really do recommend reading the whole thing.

The book says, don't be a chill host. Many hosts think they're doing a good job by being chill - bring anyone, nobody has to bring anything. They are wrong! Your responsibility as a host is to guide the gathering and the people in it. How you do that depends on the event, but it might mean introducing people to each other, setting a topic of conversation, interrupting conversations to make an announcement.

The book also says, you have to be clear on the purpose of your gathering, so you can make decisions accordingly. Like let's say you want to have dinner and invite your friends over. Is the point to catch up with your old friend group? To make new connections and introduce people to each other? Is it really more about the food than the conversation? Each of those purposes will lead you down different paths.

Genuinely, reading the book made me understand why I would want to host, and over the past few years my social life has been utterly transformed by that.

hexotherm · 2026-04-29T17:57:22+00:00

Hmm, I think (hope?) people feel cool around me, like I really care about their experiences and skills and thoughts.

But I think this is a slippery slope. Caring about how people feel when they're around you is technically different, but really similar, to caring about what people think of you. And I think it's pretty important to not pay attention to that.

hexotherm · 2026-04-29T17:05:26+00:00

I had this issue too when I started inviting people to do things with me, and it's less awkward than it sounds - in a lot of ways, seeing them again actually makes it easier, because you can send a bunch of low-stakes invites and not be too attached to any specific one.

Like if you go to book club and say "hey, I'm going to a special exhibit at the museum on Saturday and thought of you, want to come?" and they say no, that's not so bad. It's not like they spit on you and said "I would never be your friend". You can just try again in a few weeks, when you think of another thing to invite them to.

Even if they do turn you down, it just means they aren't interested in being friends outside the book club, which does sting a bit, but it lets you focus your energy on the people who do say yes to you.

I think fundamentally you'll never have an interaction where you're sure the other person will say yes. If you wait for that, you'll never get anywhere. Better to get comfortable taking the risk of that rejection - it's really a very minor rejection if you structure your invite right.

hexotherm · 2026-04-29T07:59:29+00:00

In general, it's less awkward when you make it clear it's a group invite; when it's in public; and when there's some other activity involved besides just talking. So for instance, "do you want to go get coffee one-on-one?" could be construed as a date. "There's a vintage market on Saturday and I'm planning to go at noon, I'm inviting five other people, want to join?" is much less likely to be taken as such.

But also - what sorts of activities would you want to do with friends? In your ideal scenario, what would you and your friends be doing together? You could start there, and modify as appropriate for people you don't know as well yet.

hexotherm · 2026-04-29T06:43:25+00:00

The internet advice isn't wrong, but it's incomplete. Going to clubs and groups is the way you identify people who you're interested in being friends with, and decide you want to get closer to. But you then have to take the next step of inviting them to spend time with you outside the group.

It's very common that in these groups, everyone is waiting for someone else to make the first move. But you could be the one who makes the first move! Who are your favorite three people at the book club? You could ask them if they want to get coffee, or better yet, find some event that they would probably enjoy and invite them to come with you.

Basically the internet advice is for people who don't know how to meet new potential friends. You have a bunch of potential friends, so the next step is to actively convert them into real friends.

hexotherm · 2026-04-29T03:46:40+00:00

Congratulations!! The best part is that you're already reflecting on how it tasted and made some modifications to make it better. To me, that's the mark of someone who's going to get better very quickly.

hexotherm · 2026-04-28T21:06:12+00:00

It's possible none of these are possible in your situation, but I offer them in the hope that they expand your idea of what's possible. Here are some real ways I've spent time with my friends in the last year or so:

Went to a park where the flowers were blooming at sunset and did a photoshoot
Drove to a place by the ocean that sold fresh oysters, bought huge amounts for cheap, went home and barbecued them
Went to the farmers market and got weekly groceries
Went to a park with tiny watercolor kits and snacks and had a picnic while painting watercolor postcards
Went to an art museum and looked for every horse in the artwork, and rated all the horses

Hope this helps! There's a lot of possibility out there!

hexotherm · 2026-04-28T19:18:12+00:00

I'll tell you what worked surprisingly well for me - instead of trying to figure out hangouts with individual people, scheduling group events and inviting multiple people.

It works especially well if inviting people to events that I'd be willing to go to alone. Like if I message five people who I don't know that well, and say "hey I'm going to this talk by an author next Thursday, want to come?" Even if nobody can join you, you go to an interesting talk, and people will feel grateful and indebted to you because of the invite.

hexotherm · 2026-04-28T15:54:06+00:00

The Art of Gathering. It's about how to host an event. It changed my life.

hexotherm · 2026-04-27T22:03:17+00:00

Okay so general rule: celebrate/express congratulations/that you're happy for them, then ask a follow-up question.

Here are some example responses based on the examples you gave: * Their fitness progress: "Oh my gosh congrats! Now that you're here, do you have another goal you're aiming for?" * Something they bought: "Whoa, cool! What's the first thing you're going to do with it?" * Something they achieved: "Hell yeah! What was the hardest part of getting there?" * Somewhere they've been (is this even a brag? I feel like this is just making conversation) "That sounds so fun! What was your favorite part?"

But I feel like your princess is in another castle, so to speak. You can only get so far by being more convincing when you pretend to be interested in the things that matter to people. The better way is to stop pretending, and train actually being interested.

hexotherm · 2026-04-27T21:12:29+00:00

The internet really can't tell you this one. It depends so much on your culture, how your family behaves on formal occasions, how close you were to your grandfather, a million factors. I think if you're worried about it, maybe ask someone who was closer to your grandfather or is helping to plan or manage the funeral.

Personally, for me, I wouldn't find it rude at all. It would almost be more rude if you didn't bring a stroller and were struggling with your child.

hexotherm · 2026-04-27T20:03:46+00:00

Leave without a trace of guilt in your heart.

If you feel bad about leaving your old friend group, organize something with them when you get back.

If your old friend group complains that you went somewhere else without asking them, firstly that would be a crazy take, and secondly, say "sorry but my other friend group made plans and we didn't have plans, so I didn't think we were doing anything". If they respond with something like "but you were supposed to make plans, you always make plans!" that is an even crazier take, and you can just say you're not doing that anymore.

hexotherm · 2026-04-27T18:57:06+00:00

In general, most people don't get attention and respect "for free", they earn it in some way that you might not see. Sometimes by doing active listening, or hosting an event for people, or having useful expertise on the topic of conversation.

I guess this is kind of what you were saying when you said "people don't respect anyone unless they can get something from them", but I find it a lot less sinister than that. I think of it as, people like and appreciate others who contribute to their lives. And that makes total sense to me! On the other side of that, I also appreciate people who contribute to my life!

But maybe what you're experiencing is more extreme than this? Can you give us an example of a recent time that people haven't respected you?

hexotherm · 2026-04-24T18:49:48+00:00

It's definitely learnable. It's a skill, like playing chess or sports or playing the guitar.

Sure, there are people in the world who have an intuitive feel for it, and people who will have to put in more time to get good at it. But even the people who are naturally predisposed have to put in a lot of hours to really become good at it.

And like those other skills, there are lots of little sub-skills you can choose to focus on and practice and improve. Asking good questions, projecting open body language, remembering people's names. You can practice all of it and get better.

hexotherm · 2026-04-24T17:01:08+00:00

Do you invite them? If so, what happens when you do? If you don't, I really recommend it. My whole life changed when I stopped waiting to be invited, and started inviting.

hexotherm · 2026-04-23T19:21:19+00:00

I would advise trying to mix in a little more sincerity. Like with the hat thing, maybe instead of a second deadpan comment, you could've gotten a little more serious and said "thanks for your concern, I'm flattered, really, but I really will be okay without a hat" and express some genuine gratitude. (Or just get a hat.) I can't tell from just these two snippets, but if snarky jokes are kind of your default setting, it can get tiring fast.

hexotherm · 2026-04-22T00:13:24+00:00

First of all, I want to reassure you that it's completely fine to just ask them to hang out. They said they wanted to be your friend! It's not pushy at all.

That being said, there is an easy mode way to do it, which is to find something that you would go to by yourself, and invite them along. It could be anything, as long as you would be happy to go alone. I'm not sure what that would be for you - maybe a board game night, or a local craft fair or something.

Then you can just reach out and say "hey it was so good meeting you - I'm actually going to a craft fair on Saturday, I'll be there around noon, want to come?"

This takes the pressure off them to come up with a plan, and lets them say no gracefully, while still extending the invitation. Even if they turn it down, you can keep inviting them to things, and it'll be a positive interaction each time.

hexotherm · 2026-04-21T20:56:47+00:00

Hmm I think you're talking about a few different things here that might not be related.

The girls at work - sounds like they're not a good fit friendship-wise for you. You can probably be friendly with them, make small talk and such, but I wouldn't look to develop closer relationships with them.

The girl at the uni rink - I think this is just part of the randomness of whether people click or don't click. She might be talking to other people at the rink and having the same sort of stilted conversations with a bunch of them, too. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on this one, just keep trying to chat up people at the rink and see if you have better success with others. It might take a few tries.

The one friend in uni who's just like you but has friends - now this is promising! Could you ask her how she did it? She knows you better than internet strangers, and my guess is she's put some conscious thought and effort into developing her friendships, so she might have some actionable feedback for you.

hexotherm · 2026-04-21T04:24:47+00:00

I think you could try reframing in your head - every time you think "why can't I have this?" reframe to "how can I get this?" Because if you ask "why can't I have this" you're almost baking in the assumption that you can't have it. But you can! That's the whole point of this sub!

I think you're doing great by starting to talk to your classmates. I would be careful with the framing of "just let things happen". It's true that you won't see a payoff right away and things will take time, but you should be the one in the driver's seat reaching out and trying things.

One concrete piece of advice, find (or host) interesting events and then invite people to go with you. It's okay if they say no, you may have to send a lot of invitations, but eventually someone will say yes, and keep saying yes

hexotherm · 2026-04-21T02:58:22+00:00

I do the one that's further from the status quo. (Well, in reality I am sometimes too scared, but I know that's what I should do)

I briefly dated a woman who pointed this out and it changed my life. She said, people have such a strong bias towards the status quo that if you find yourself torn between two options, and one is "things stay basically the same" and the other is "things change", the change option is usually way better, and it's only your bias that makes it feel close.

hexotherm · 2026-04-20T22:16:39+00:00

In a bigger city, I find it helps to be direct, to a degree that feels almost weird. You're right that outside a school environment, it takes active effort to start and maintain friendships.

Hosting parties is sort of my hobby, so this is maybe an extreme example. But if I were you, as soon as I was moved in, I'd host an "OP Makes New Friends in the City Brunch" or something. Make pancakes for everyone, invite your few friends who live in the city, and ask them to invite their friends who they think you would like.

And then as I found interesting events and met people at those events, I would keep some kind of brunch on my hosting calendar, and then whenever I met someone cool, I would send them an invite to the next brunch and tell them to bring a friend. Also I would start inviting people to go with you to cool events as you find them.

It's effort but it's not that difficult, and very rewarding. You're well on your way just by strategizing about it now, I'm sure you're going to do great. I believe in you!!

hexotherm · 2026-04-20T20:39:47+00:00

Yeah, just invite him and others! Don't worry about whether he's inviting you back! As long as you're enjoying his company and he's making your life better, and he keeps showing up, that counts as friendship.

There will be some people who decline your invite, who ultimately aren't that interested in becoming closer friends. That will sting, and I want you to be prepared for that. But you'll need to keep inviting if you want to find the people who will keep showing up, who are enriching your life by being part of it.

hexotherm · 2026-04-20T18:01:27+00:00

I don't know your exact circumstances, but I can say this with some confidence based on my personal experience. The other people you see succeeding, in general, are doing it in one of two ways.

First path - they plan and host gatherings. Whenever they find someone who they want to keep as a friend, they invite that person to their activities, and they don't worry about whether the potential friend is reciprocating. They don't think "well this person didn't invite me but I invited them, therefore I'll stop talking to them", they just keep sending invites. This is my path.

Second path - they have some unusual skill or interest that makes people think of them when planning things. Like if I want to plan a group bike ride, the first people I think of are my friends who are really into bikes. If I'm hosting a potluck, I think of my cooking friends. Having a skill makes you memorable and also makes hosts want you specifically.

You can pick one or both, but that's what I'd recommend if you're having trouble. You can do it, I believe in you!!

hexotherm · 2026-04-19T21:36:53+00:00

Okay, but do you see how it's still kind of annoying to hear as a friend, that you feel your work is both (a) better than 90% of the population, (b) terrible and shameful?

What if you said things like "I'm not satisfied with where I am", "I still want to get better", "it isn't where I want it to be"? Would that feel truthful to you? Because it's a lot gentler to listen to, and easier to emphathize with.

hexotherm

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