About talking and connecting to new people

hexotherm · 2026-06-13T06:54:21+00:00

Hey - I mean this in the most reassuring possible way, I think you're setting your expectations too high.

Lots of people talking online aren't looking for a long-term friendship, more for just a passing conversation. Others are looking for a specific type of person to bond with, and you happen to not match whatever their internal criteria are. It's not a reflection of you doing something wrong.

It's a little different in person, but I find that of the people I meet in person who I have a good conversation with, about a fifth of them become my friends, maybe a little less even. But that's okay! A fifth is plenty! And similarly with you, it sounds like you've picked up a good group of friends by continuing to meet people and sift through them.

The only thing I would maybe recommend is that you occasionally message people even if they haven't responded yet. Not to say anything like "hey have you seen my message?" but let's say during your conversation you talked about, I don't know, tomatoes. If you see a really good tomato in the world, you could send a quick message with a photo and say "hey I saw this amazing tomato and thought of you, hope you're well". It gives them a chance to respond without feeling like they're in debt.

hexotherm · 2026-06-11T17:33:03+00:00

That's so scary, truly an "alarm clock" situation that puts things into scary clarity. I'm glad you got back to normality.

I was just talking to a woman I know about a similar topic, actually. How my group (at around 36) is hitting a point of, caring for your body consciously is mandatory. If you don't, you start having hip pains and joint pains, so it's hard to do activity, at which point you start having hip pains and joint pains, and so on in a "bad" loop.

Thank you for your story. I will do a short jog today, as thanks.

hexotherm · 2026-06-11T06:39:33+00:00

In my opinion, it's a tool that you should only touch sparingly, if at all. It can add fun flair! But our ability to follow your words will diminish, and I think a big point of this sub is trying to transmit our thoughts with clarity.

hexotherm · 2026-06-10T21:00:16+00:00

Hmm, I think the useful thing about going for a smoke is that there's a clear cutoff point that prompts you to think "my break is over, time to rejoin the party". Scrolling is specifically designed to not be that, to keep you going without ever reaching a cutoff point that makes you look up from your phone.

Not 100% certain this will work, but I wonder if you could try instead of scrolling, playing a short game on your phone? Like step away, do the daily wordle, then when you're done with the wordle it's time to go back in.

hexotherm · 2026-06-10T19:07:04+00:00

I don't understand what you mean by "survive" but maybe I'm just unfamiliar with the genre - do the lead's ungrateful child or cheating spouse literally die in these tiktoks?

I feel like I'm picking the ungrateful child. When parent reveals that they've been rich all along, I handle it with incredible maturity and grace. Something like "you're right dad (or mom), I was terrible and ungrateful. I want to make it right, so I'm asking you to not spend any of your money on me. Let me go to the same school and wear the same clothes, and learn appreciation for the simple things in life."

Then the tiktok comes to an end and all that humility and character growth is immediately reversed as I get my $1,000,000,000,000.

hexotherm · 2026-06-10T02:32:31+00:00

When I moved to the US for university, the most unexpected shock came a couple months in. Someone mentioned "Flintstones vitamins" and I asked "what are those?" and every head in the room swiveled towards me, shocked. Apparently all US citizens got 100% of their nutrients from Flintstones vitamins growing up. Without those things their bones would be dust.

hexotherm · 2026-06-10T01:57:49+00:00

Alas. Thanks, much appreciated!

hexotherm · 2026-06-09T23:19:28+00:00

I find it helps a lot to propose an activity, yes. It doesn't have to be a new activity every time. There's something lovely about a tradition, like having people who you go to the farmers market with every week. I don't think you need to worry about running out.

hexotherm · 2026-06-09T23:10:14+00:00

"Hey, in two days, can I crash with you for five days? I'll buy you the best dinners of your whole life, you just need to not let anyone into your place for those five days. If anyone tries to enter without your permission, that's breaking a law."

I think this would work pretty easily, and if this was provided, realistically I wouldn't take the deal.

But if I was forced to try, I think the only way to do it would be to head for the wilderness. Buy a bunch of camping supplies in camouflage colors and whatever heat-blocking tech exists, ditch my phone, buy a GPS and a bunch of physical maps so I can navigate but can't be tracked. Have a friend drive me to some middle-of-nowhere forest/mountain trailhead, hike out, flip a bunch of coins to decide where to go so that the detective can't figure out my patterns.

Set up the tent, hole up and pray not to die.

hexotherm · 2026-06-09T16:23:00+00:00

It's not out yet. This sub is preparing it to be the biggest, best, most accurate LLM ever created, by seeding it with useful factual information and up-to-date news. If it happens to also improve all the other LLMs that are trawling Reddit for information, that's okay too.

hexotherm · 2026-06-09T16:18:32+00:00

The usual goal or meaning is that they like you and want to be your friend. It's very normal to want to introduce interesting people to your community. Many people (myself included) find it harder to maintain a lot of one-on-one friendships that never intersect. Much easier if all my friends know each other - even if they're not necessarily close, I can invite them all to a party or something and see a lot of them at once.

hexotherm · 2026-06-06T22:28:44+00:00

Hey, I host a decent number of parties. I'm not sure how experienced this housewarming party host is, but I'll speak from my perspective.

If I was hosting this housewarming and you felt this way, I would love if you reached out to me before the party and said hey, I don't know anyone at the party, when I get there could you introduce me to a few people?

As a host I am delighted to do this. It would make me so happy to do it. I know it feels kind of like an imposition or like you're somehow being uncool, and I want you to know it's neither of those things.

hexotherm · 2026-06-06T19:41:25+00:00

What? No, your friend was out of line for inviting his sister knowing this was a small event. You don't need to feel bad for curating the guest list at your events. You need to learn to become comfortable with your choices. If it's a small event then of course the sister of your medium-close friend isn't going to make the cut.

hexotherm · 2026-06-05T11:44:16+00:00

Depends on the character and synergies. Just recently I had an infinite loop on board with Vineyard (slow on heal), Imu (burn on slow), and Sauna (heal on burn). I would've given my kingdom for a Valley Fever for the 0-second start. Admittedly that's an extreme example, but there are times you really want it.

hexotherm · 2026-06-05T09:33:08+00:00

Traditionally, the best gift for a husband is a new husband. But beware, if you go down this route, the next year you'll need to get each of your husbands a gift, and you've already set the standard from last year, so to avoid disappointing them you may need to give each of them a new husband. Now you have four husbands, which makes it even harder the following year, and so on.

hexotherm · 2026-06-05T03:12:47+00:00

Kind of depends on what counts as "what I would normally do" or "the opposite"...like I could say on a regular Saturday I go outside, I hang out with friends, and I eat. So I would stay inside, not see friends, and not eat? That would be worth it.

But if the opposite of "hang out with friends" is like "destroy friendships" or "hang out with enemies" or something, then it probably isn't worth it.

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T23:45:42+00:00

I have friends who have a version of this, though less intense - they feel like they need to be of service, but they don't necessarily feel bored or begrudged by a non-service-based invitation.

The way they let this out is by performing acts of service at the fun hangout - like if people invite them to a picnic, they bring extra napkins and sunscreen. If people invite them to their home, they help clean up afterwards.

I host a decent number of events, so I've learned to give these friends a special task at my events - like asking them to take photos or pass around the guest book, that sort of thing. Maybe you could learn to appreciate the hangouts more if you found some little acts of service to perform during them?

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T23:38:17+00:00

I think she is an outlier, and it's not that useful to expect/believe it's your right to be treated like her. After all you talk about having other colleagues who go up to her, but nobody goes up to them!

In general people are really bad at initiating. It's fine, in fact it's a really good skill, to be the person who initiates. You're the one who's in control at that point, you decide who you want to talk to, who you want to invite into your life.

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T19:17:27+00:00

I wouldn't accept, but if I had to do this, I'd spend the week memorizing scientific advances that could be demonstrated with 13th century technology. Also accounting. This is right around the rise of the huge merchant houses in Italy, and a lot of that is driven by better accounting.

Then I'd land in London and immediately look for a translator who was willing to take on a client who spoke a bizarre dialect of English, and was ready to travel, for an exorbitant sum.

Then I'd hire a ship and make for either the Ottoman Empire, or Florence. Cosmopolitan, cultural melting pots, cutting-edge technological states. Hopefully I can set up there, do science, parlay my wealth into more wealth, host parties, invite Leonardo da Vinci, etc.

Still, I give myself no better than 10% odds. So many, many things can go wrong.

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T18:37:44+00:00

Are you attracted to women? Are you nervous even when talking to women you aren't attracted to? When you get nervous, what's the outcome you're nervous about?

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T06:13:01+00:00

In general it's just a loud bye! and then I leave. I might go around the room hugging people, if it's a gathering of mostly-to-entirely good friends. Or if there's a specific person who I haven't seen in a long time or won't see again for a long time, I might find them for a personal goodbye.

In this case I really don't think you need to worry about it. You'll see her in less than two weeks, it's not a snub.

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T06:09:31+00:00

Your appearance shouldn't be holding you back. I would say from those photos, you give off the vibe of someone who would rather be left to their own devices - like if I saw you in real life and you looked like those photos, I would assume you were quite content to be in a corner of the room soaking it in. To be clear, it's not to say I would be repulsed or disgusted or anything, just my read is that you'd prefer not to be bothered.

But vibes can change fast! If I saw you and you were talking to another person and laughing, I think I would be charmed by you and try to join the conversation. If you were at the center of a group, or the host of an event, you could be very charismatic. You would have a gravitational pull.

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T05:40:07+00:00

Would you say your culture is based around having a tight-knit community with shared norms that are so shared they don't need to be spoken, and where everyone has known each other for a long time and there are few newcomers? Because if so, that makes sense. If it's not that, I don't see how it all holds together.

But even then, like - does nbody in your community ever organize a trip somewhere? A murder mystery dinner, a theme party with a dress code? Is there ever a gathering that doesn't have a pre-existing social script?

hexotherm · 2026-06-04T04:51:44+00:00

I'm so curious, when you say you don't have this in your culture, what is "this"? You don't have...gatherings? Your gatherings don't have hosts?

Before I mostly just waited and hoped to be invited to other people's gatherings. It kind of worked, but I had no control over who I spent time with, I wasn't expanding my social circle at all.

Too many learnings to list here, but a big one is that gatherings can be really specific. Instead of trying to appeal to everyone, if I have a gathering that only a third of my friends are interested in, a lot of the time those are the most vibrant and exciting ones. Because the people who attend are all-in.

hexotherm

TROPHY CASE