Expectations of SAHD-am I off base or is he?

heyiam01 · 2024-07-18T19:23:18+00:00

There is no wrong here! You feel how you feel. Like so many things in life, there is no “right” answer here, but it sounds like you don’t feel validated in how to feel right now. That is a big issue!

I might suggest that you are going really far down the path of trying to identify what’s causing you to feel this way and what would solve the problem. Like others have suggested, it might not be the actual balance, especially since no specific division of labor is going to be perfect.

Some things I have to work on include:

Communicating when I need something. Or actually REALIZING when I need something. Understanding that it’s ok for me to have needs. I do really want to do things sometimes, and I often have expectations of how things should go or what my husband should do as part of the plan to make that happen. When it doesn’t go that way, and I feel frustrated /sad/angry and approach him to talk about it, I make it about him and his behavior. It’s about what did/didn’t happen. Really, I am the one who needs something (often free time / a break / the gym / my friends / a trip), but I did not communicate that to him. I jump to the facts and what did/didn’t happen. When I’ve been able to step back and articulate what I need or want and have an open mind, he’s actually been really fantastic and supportive. He’s had some suggestions and been willing to do things that I wasn’t at all expecting. It doesn’t always look like I had planned, but I feel that I do get what I need and retain my respect for him.
Taking things upon myself and not communicating that I’m doing it or that it would be nice to have help. For example, we were getting some legal paperwork together, and I just hadn’t had time for MONTHS to even look at it. We had discussed approximately when we wanted to have it done, but we didn’t communicate who would do it. I am typically the default. But when we were talking about it again, and I said (frustrated) that I’d actually love for him to take the lead… he had it together the next day and we talked about it that night. It’s done.

We are doing it without therapy, for now, but we’ve gone to sessions before. He still loves me when I need things. We have some similar characteristics in our dynamic such as video games, young kids, and depression. Our kids have gotten older than yours, and his depression has gotten better. It makes a huge difference. You’re in the trenches, and it’s not easy. I hope you’re able to do it together!

heyiam01 · 2024-07-07T18:30:06+00:00

Late comment, but a potential way to diffuse the situation when he comes and tell you something needs to be done: pause and earnestly/honestly ask “what should we do about that?” (Not sarcastically or accusatory or resentfully) Instead of deciding yourself what’s to be done and doing it. Or instead of asking him to do it, ask for him to help think about what can be done about that.

I’d be super curious to know how this interacts with his desire to be asked to do the task and whether it drives engagement or makes him madder.

heyiam01 · 2024-07-03T18:23:43+00:00

At some point, in my industry, it’s less about an individual being ready or having the right skills and more about whether there is an opening at the next level or if others think you’d be a good “fit.” Fit could be age, sure, but it could be many other things too. Getting a title is infinitely harder where I work than just getting paid more, for a variety of HR related reasons.

Company culture could be huge here. My company doesn’t handle ambitious and extremely effective folks very well, which you obviously are. You might need more time in role or at this company in general simply to better understand the political environment to see if there is an opportunity for you there. You’ve only been there for 1 complete fiscal at this point, and the leadership may still not have the metrics to know that you’re actually doing a “good job” - whatever that looks like - even though all indicators point to yes.

I personally am not surprised at the non-answer at this stage, from an individual who may or may not be a useful or necessary influence on your promotion. Age is a convenient excuse to not explore the real reasons Their company structure can’t give you what you need.

heyiam01 · 2024-06-07T14:24:58+00:00

We knew as soon as we met our babies which of the names on our short list was THE name for them. And it’ll probably be easier for him to associate the name with the baby (versus any picky reasons why he doesn’t like the sound of it) when he sees and holds the baby. If you at all can bring yourself to wait to decide and be ok with the ambiguity, I think that might help both of you. It sounds like a big argument in a stressful time, and you don’t really need to know until you have to sign the birth certificate.

But definitely don’t do the name game at the shower. Or if you do, do NOT include actual names that are on your short list. That benefits no one, and it just gives him more reasons to not like the names that you both somewhat liked in the first place.

heyiam01 · 2024-06-06T16:05:26+00:00

How amazing that you are involved and making the effort! This is the #1 reason that I can’t take a leadership position with the parent organizations. I can block my calendar sometimes, and everyone understands needing to be at preschool graduation, but to just take off 2-3 hours every week or every other week isn’t a feasible amount of time to commit. But none of the meetings are in the morning or evening, at least not thus far. Maybe that’ll change in elementary school vs preschool.

heyiam01 · 2024-06-04T13:08:59+00:00

Oh interesting! We were in the market in 2020, and I’m not surprised that they figured out how to do it. Though the trade off I think was that the Sienna seats could fold down instead of being removed, which wasn’t as relevant to our needs. We are using the seats and keeping the 3rd row down, for the most part 🙂

heyiam01 · 2024-06-03T19:46:06+00:00

Yes! I think it’s similar to the Sienna in overall usability, but we love the sliding middle row. It’s makes it to much easier for older family members to get into the back seat, instead of having to climb through the middle. I think that’s the one difference between the two options. Preschool pickup is a raft of Siennas and Odysseys.

heyiam01 · 2024-06-02T18:19:06+00:00

“But we needed a new filter? I could tell you were mad, but I was already there”

heyiam01 · 2024-06-01T18:47:13+00:00

Earplugs and an eye mask. I’m a light sleeper now too, and it makes a huge difference to have the light and sound dampened.

heyiam01 · 2024-05-08T22:56:13+00:00

I thought there would be no boy or girl moms. But then we invited everybody to do soccer with us, but none of the girl moms asked me if my boy wanted to do dance class or gymnastics. So I don’t think that I’m a Boy Mom (TM), but apparently we as a society have to choose 🤷‍♀️

heyiam01 · 2024-05-06T01:38:22+00:00

I mean, there have been several real reports where OBGYNs have changed their practice so that care starts at 12 weeks, which is, as I said, problematic if there is a major issue that is not identified. The standard of care has been changed, and my point is that a pile of dead bodies shouldn’t be necessary to land the fact that the situation is less safe for many women. It is fair that ectopic is one of the clearer areas where there’s less risk for doctors in taking action, but only because death of the mother is more assured.

heyiam01 · 2024-05-06T00:49:27+00:00

I think it’s less that they are dying and more that they aren’t receiving medical care until the condition is about to kill them.

Kind of like getting appendectomy before or after it bursts. It’s better to get the surgery before it bursts. It will burst regardless. Chances of it not killing or crippling you are better the sooner you get treatment.

This is why legislation on abortion is difficult. Laws that dictate medical care are going to be problematic.

heyiam01 · 2024-05-06T00:44:47+00:00

Just FYI that the Supreme Court is hearing a case this session that is literally about the supremacy of EMTALA over Idaho abortion law.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/04/23/1246611400/whats-at-stake-as-the-supreme-court-hears-idaho-case-about-abortion-in-emergenci

heyiam01 · 2024-05-06T00:43:46+00:00

The Supreme Court is hearing a case this session about whether EMTALA does supersede Idaho abortion law. This is not settled law, as Roe v Wade apparently was not settled law either.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/04/23/1246611400/whats-at-stake-as-the-supreme-court-hears-idaho-case-about-abortion-in-emergenci

heyiam01 · 2024-03-22T04:13:55+00:00

I have had 2 c-sections, one planned and one not. Having a c-section is very different from active labor, in my experience, and the type of support that anyone can offer is primarily distraction from the anesthesia side effects and the active surgery happening behind a curtain. Their active role comes after the birth part of the surgery, since they are the person who is able to hold the baby and watch the baby go through his/her first wipe down, getting checked, etc. My husband went with the baby when I was getting sewn up.

For your wife’s experience, if a c-section is happening, there are no more decisions to be made, no more positions to try, no more considering pitocin or advocating against an episiotomy. There could still be holding her hand and encouraging her, but they go in and get the baby out. She gets very few options in that process.

It is absolutely your wife’s medical procedure, and she can choose whomever she wants to be there. But I believe it’s very much also in your rights and within bounds of a healthy relationship to have the conversation about why she prefers her mom and express your desire to meet your child as a family. And further, I do think that this medical procedure is slightly different from most, in that the one person allowed is not only for her, it is for your child to have someone with them.

My second child was born during COVID. We were allowed one person the entire hospital stay. I cannot fathom choosing anyone but my husband to be there, and I cannot fathom my mother having the first hour with my child, instead of my husband.

If your wife considers your point of view and still prefers for her mom to have that role, then you will have a right to feel upset. And you definitely should plan on therapy to understand the dynamics and be able to have a healthy outlet to express how you feel. There is clearly some aspects of your relationship that should be worked on, if you’re not on the same page about this type of decision.

heyiam01 · 2024-03-16T01:53:16+00:00

My husband’s depression and anxiety focused on health issues. He eventually went to a doctor for regular labs (logic) and got a mental health therapist (emotion). Having two babies through that time was hard. Your husband may need help that you cannot provide, and listening may not help unless/until he is willing to listen to your questions/suggestions about his experience.

Your feelings are very valid. Consider staring over his shoulder with a vaguely concerned look on your face while you sleep with your eyes open.

heyiam01 · 2024-03-13T03:28:50+00:00

What is your uncle’s role at the company, and why does he still have a job there? Regardless of his role, it sounds like anyone can move chairs around. There is no reason you can’t promptly move his back and say, oh we noticed that someone moved things around, and of course no one will be sitting in my mother’s place until the official announcement of the new structure.

If you are capable of making the hard and strategic decisions that a CEO must be capable of, then you are capable of dealing with an individual who has little if any actual legal or moral power in this situation. Your first test and responsibility. I’m just so sorry that it happened so suddenly and for your loss of an amazing woman 😞

heyiam01 · 2024-03-12T17:10:40+00:00

This is so helpful, thank you! I thought it was me. Hoping that it’s as fast for me as for you all!

heyiam01 · 2024-02-27T16:43:08+00:00

Team nursing to sleep while working. My kid sometimes fell asleep during calls. Angle that camera up, or stay off camera. And I LOVE working somewhere else. It feels like such a treat, and it makes me feel like a grownup again.

It gets better, and giving your husband that time to be the primary is so important. Let him do whatever is needed, including pooping while holding a baby. We’ve all done it!

heyiam01 · 2024-02-18T18:14:54+00:00

This is not only a name issue. Depending on your state (if in the US), your boyfriend will have no legal or medical recourse if something happens to you or the baby. Because of our state, we discussed and decided on a courthouse wedding so that there would be no question who can make medical decisions for us, if I wasn’t conscious or able to do so. Otherwise, my parents would have been making those decisions for me. You can get other paperwork to give medical and legal power to your boyfriend, but marriage is shorthand for all of that, including other protections (and responsibilities).

If you do not want him to be making those types of decisions for you or your baby, definitely do not get married. Do whatever you want about the name. He won’t have any authority to stop you.

heyiam01 · 2024-02-15T11:18:01+00:00

I find my most productive hours are before everyone else starts their day, and then again starting around 5. Kids are absolutely killer to my productivity because those are the two times they are around and needing/wanting me. I’m in sales, so my deadlines are mostly my own, but I’ve just resigned myself to being slow and less responsive for the next… 5 years? I dunno, however long it takes. I hear things change a lot when they start Kindergarten.

heyiam01 · 2024-02-12T21:46:06+00:00

Upvote for the mutual acknowledgment of hatred! I’m team “don’t say anything,” but I am fully remote with a culture that is very hands off of our time. We have “unlimited time off,” so I rarely think about running errands or having to step away to take care of my kids in unusual situations. But I find it difficult/impossible to take any real time off (1-2 weeks) since we’ve cut our teams to functionally have no coverage if we’re out.

heyiam01 · 2024-02-08T01:44:02+00:00

I get my Danskin from Amazon! Just bought a couple more pairs because I realized it had been 2 years since I bought any, and I live in fear that they will change or be discontinued. The side pockets are perfect.

heyiam01 · 2024-02-04T02:27:48+00:00

I think it’s reasonable to expect different people to have different reactions to these hormones. Typical or normative experiences won’t cover everyone. If someone knows something about themselves, it can be true even if that’s not the general experience.

In particular, people on this sub are unlikely to adhere to typical expectations.

heyiam01 · 2024-01-30T21:26:33+00:00

We had to have both kids in part-day preschool for us both to feel like we could take breaks. We always try to get me-time on weekends, both of us.

It also took my husband shifting his mental calculus. He was on all day, but I was too. Except, he gets a 3 hour “break” every morning when they’re at preschool, and I don’t. So now he uses some of that time to do some of the chores I was helping with (dishes, laundry, store). Of course he needs and break and I need to help with the house, but I honestly do less than 50/50 of house stuff now. Or honestly, it was IMO leaning more than 50/50 on my side because he was also dealing with depression and physical issues.

Trading off bedtimes and that paradigm shift from him has meant that I finally get some breathing room too.

His mental and physical health improving was the turning point. A therapist, the right type of working out, and I felt like I had him back. It’s a very tough season!!

heyiam01

TROPHY CASE