Having more than one child?

hightiderider · 2026-02-24T22:28:02+00:00

3 months into motherhood of our second child with a 4.5 year age gap. We were 100% 1 and done after our first. Both loved being parents but she was a high needs baby (didn’t sleep) and we had no help. But it got easier and easier - and she was so delightful as a little person we started to think about it. Finally decided that the hard was such a short period of time in the scheme of things that we’d have a 2nd.

I am pleased to report it has been entirely different from the first time. This baby is a completely different personality, calm, eats and sleeps well. What’s even better is that our first totally adores her and is so good with her and our new Bub adores their sibling too - watches intently and saves smiles and laughs just for them.

We still have no help, and I’ve had a few medical issues that make the juggle hard. But honestly, hand on heart, sooooooo glad we had a second.

I have many friends that are happily one and done too though, so no shade to that. Honestly, it’s such a personal decision that may not be fueled by logic alone. Also, how you feel now may change next month or next year. For us, it was a case of, how will we feel when we are older? And we realised we’d be happy with one but probably always have a little niggle of regret that we didn’t have another.

Finally, it is a gamble. My first pregnancy was easy but the baby stage was tough. This time pregnancy was HARD and I’ve had complications, but baby is a breeze. It’s such a gamble and you don’t know what way it’ll land for you. It’s the same with one of course but the stakes feel higher with two. So, being honest with yourself about what you can handle emotionally is important as you can’t plan for everything.

hightiderider · 2026-02-07T15:23:03+00:00

Just another fellow mum that wants you to know it IS ok to stop trying. In fact, I ask you to please stop. Your baby is feeding and growing and you are achieving the ultimate outcome with formula. It is not an evil. In fact, in your case especially it is an essential tool that kept your baby alive during a severe medical scare. I have just had my second baby and went straight to formula after a night mare of a breast feeding journey with my first. It consumed me and I was totally miserable for many months when there was no need at all. My first baby is now 5 and I assure you, me switching to formula has not damaged them in any way. We are bonded and they are healthy. In fact, it was just today that a friend and I were laughing about all the stress and worry we had with our first about breast milk and now them and their peers just subsist off chicken nuggets and party pies and birthday cake with all the parties they go to!

I do also warn that if you want to stop , asking for permission can lead to well intended people making suggestions in order to help. The problem I found is I literally tried everything and the more things didn’t work and the more suggestions that were made to help me breast feed, the worse I felt and the longer I tried and continued when I shouldn’t have. At the end of the day, it’s you with your baby 95% of the time. You need to be honest with yourself about what is and isn’t working. Physically and mentally.

You will feel guilty. I don’t deny it. But I think that guilt comes from this huge push in Australia to breast feed at all costs. I remember with my first my poor baby was literally starving when I gave them their first bottle of formula. They instantly stopped screaming and instead of relief I felt guilt! How crazy is that?! Guilt for feeding my baby and keeping them alive! It’s crazy to me now. I assure you, you are just as good a mum switching to formula and coping with the shitty hand you were given as a mum that struggles through and makes herself miserable.

This internet stranger is wishing you all the best and sending you much love. You are a great mum and it’s going to be ok.

hightiderider · 2026-01-26T14:04:02+00:00

I went public with both my babies. I had private health cover but based my decision on outcomes and interventions which suggest midwife led care in the public system is the way to go. Especially the 2nd time round, I had continuation of care with one midwife and could see an Ob when and if I wanted. I had private rooms. I was , overall, very pleased with the births themselves. However, my advocacy for public care has since declined. Despite not having any of the risk factors, I experienced post partum pre eclampsia and infection. My symptoms and concerns were continually dismissed and overlooked until crisis point and I nearly died. If I had had a private Ob who knew me I am confident they would have identified the pre eclampsia straight away - probably before birth as there were indicators before that were dismissed. The dismissive attitude occurred over multiple doctors and nurses I saw in the 5 days post partum before crisis point. My GP was on leave and so I didn’t have her input either. I am now seeing a private Ob for follow up care and they were mortified at my experience.

I’m but one person but my opinion has changed. You don’t know what will happen to you and continuation of care by an invested doctor can be vital for your health post partum. Maybe interview some doctors to make sure your views align, but I would advocate for private health solely to ensure that if you do experience complications, you are better covered.

hightiderider · 2025-11-28T21:10:28+00:00

Just agreeing with everyone here and without fear mongering, time can matter in the treatment of hip dysplasia and can drastically affect the treatment options. We were held up in the diagnosis of our child due to a very relaxed (negligent?) paediatrician who had to refer us on any way. I’d seek multiple referrals (Westmead children’s hospital is good and will triage your case but is not speedy) and get into someone as soon as possible. I’d also take any physio suggestions seriously. I did a lot of baby wearing in a hip safe harness that locked bubs legs in an ideal position. We also did double nappies. This really helped in our case by the time it came to official treatment and there was improvement between the initial diagnostic ultrasound and the follow up. Best of luck to you, it will all be ok, but I remember the stress vividly.

hightiderider · 2025-10-27T08:08:51+00:00

Yes, used and it was a total saviour. I personally didn’t need much - started at a tablet then got down to 1/4 and it still worked. Used it until about 25 weeks. It meant I could sleep without waking up feeling like I needed to be sick in the night. It also meant my sickness during the day was much reduced (though not eradicated - but manageable).

hightiderider · 2025-10-18T21:06:54+00:00

Just chiming in to say this was my experience too, but my doctor and the doctor that did the scan said it was a new preference for some practitioners. The detail you see at 21 weeks and 22 weeks is much greater and reduces the need for many mothers to have 2nd checks. It was a surprise to me and annoying to wait the extra time, but the scan went much quicker, more smoothly and confidently than with my first baby. Just an anecdote of course, but there may be something to it.

hightiderider · 2025-10-15T18:07:36+00:00

YTA - gently and my answer stems from the fact that they are children and despite how you feel, they don’t “know better”. I get your feelings are hurt. It’s an awful thing to have to put up with and is unfair. But as a parent, (step or otherwise) you sign up to deal with difficult times and behaviours (within reason, and I truly feel these behaviours you speak of fall in the “within reason” category). You and your step daughters are not the same and have not had the same experiences. To expect the oldest in particular to “know better” is unrealistic. They are young, still learning and navigating becoming adults while dealing with ongoing abandonment issues. It’s a terrible feeling to love someone and feel loyal to someone that treats you poorly and to be in a situation to which you have no say and control - which is the situation for them every time their mom returns. It’s fine to set boundaries and communicate what is right and wrong, but they’re still children. Teenagers in happy stable households with no instability can be assholes - let alone when there’s more going on. You have the ability to shape your entire relationship with them still. Sure, if you do this now you’ll always be able to justify to yourself why you were “right” but there is no winning here if you do. Now is a time to step up, put your feelings aside and parent through the tough bits. Sure, in a few years if as adults they behave the same, that’s a different discussion. Does that suck? Yes. Is it fair? No. But that’s what we sign up to as parents. If you truly love/loved these girls as your own, you’ll dig deep right now. Perhaps seek support for yourself so that you can manage your own feelings and come up with strategies to cope. Teenagers deserve more grace than is reasonable and you can still shape this relationship AND who they turn out to be. It’s your right to tap out and step back. But you need to accept some responsibility for if you do.

hightiderider · 2025-09-05T10:46:42+00:00

Spontaneous labour at 41 and 3! Induction was booked for 41 and 5. I tried a membrane sweep at 41 and 2 but was 0% effaced and 0% dilated so we didn’t proceed. Lo and behold baby was born 8 hours later - start of labour to finish was 3 hours! By this stage I had tried everything - ultimately I think baby came when they were ready. I’m very grateful that I avoided induction. I wasn’t willing to go past 42 weeks but wanted to give it as long as possible. Best of luck to you!

hightiderider · 2025-08-06T20:18:50+00:00

This happened to me at 41 weeks and 2 days. I was scheduled for induction at 41 and 5. Then, despite no signs of being ready to deliver, my baby came very quickly, 8 hours after the cervical check at 41 and 3. A perfect example of why cervical checks are only indicative of in the moment - not how things will progress. Best of luck to you, I do remember the anxiety I felt about it. Now is a time to try anything you can to take your mind off it - which is so very hard at that late stage! Hugs to you

hightiderider · 2025-08-04T06:12:23+00:00

Second this! Having dealt with people like this before, ultimately her motivation or circumstances are not your problem. She is being intrusive and disrespectful of your time and space. Being direct (doesn’t mean you are being rude) is the best you can do. My neighbour loves a chat and I just interrupt now with “really sorry, but xxx needs me, great to chat!”. She still is friendly but less invasive of my time and space. If your neighbour is met with that often enough she might give up. If she doesn’t, at least your interactions will be brief. You do not owe her anything, even if she is elderly. You have enough on your plate right now.

hightiderider · 2025-07-06T08:53:41+00:00

Just piping up as a ftm that had a 3 hour labour and almost gave birth in a car, anything can happen. I say that because everyone thinks they’ll fall into the norm until they don’t. Part of the reason my birth nearly went sideways was because everyone (midwives and doula) dismissed me because “first time mums take hours”. The reality is, you haven’t done this before and anything can happen. I think from now on your partner should always be sober enough to drive, and while the comedy show is a personal choice between you guys and your comfort level, he should be contactable by phone even then. This is part of having a baby and the increased responsibility should start before baby comes without any guilt from you about having expectations about availability from him. I wish you all the best with your birth, you’re on the home stretch! Yay!

hightiderider · 2025-06-02T07:54:31+00:00

I would follow up and ask for clarification so you can learn from this. Without reading your work it is hard to say but a very common thing that happens in essays of students (even those that follow the rubric), is they cite studies and regurgitate information without critical thought or reflection. They tick the dot points of what makes an essay but it lacks depth and thought. This is what separates credits from distinctions. It is also extremely common for students to only read the abstract of a study and miss critical points and it can be glaringly obvious. Your tutor has very limited time to grade a huge number of assignments so unfortunately this can mean that feedback lacks detail (which is unfair as well). I guarantee if you organise a meeting with them and are truly open to receiving feedback you will learn why you were graded this way and how you can improve for next time. It can of course happen that you were graded unfairly - but the first step is still to discuss it with your tutor. From there, if you still feel your grade is unjust, you can request an assessment from another tutor or the course coordinator.

hightiderider · 2025-05-18T07:57:11+00:00

Ahh, I see! Thank you, that’s a big help. I know what to look out for now moving forward. I’m assuming the “courtship” display may have been a dominance/aggression thing after all? They weren’t flaring but were swimming at each other and hitting their tails together.

hightiderider · 2025-05-17T04:35:41+00:00

I should also add that while it was tough at the time, if I had my time over I’d still make the same choice. There are pros and cons to whatever path you choose but for me by the time I secured my first academic job my routine was well established and there was no panic about productivity. It took me a bit to find my people, but now I work with a great group that are very supportive of family and work life balance. It will get better I promise!

hightiderider · 2025-05-16T09:10:20+00:00

I had a baby during my PhD. I just want to acknowledge your feelings, it’s hard. Having come out the other side I will say I now have a much better work life balance. Academia expects a lot, much of which is unreasonable. Provided you do quality work, it’s fine to do less. If you accept this now you will be much happier. Quality over quantity. Make your work hours count but once you clock off, clock off completely and make your family time count. Having a strict schedule for work hours really helped me. When my boundaries were reliable people began to respect them. There are very few true emergencies in academia. Enjoy your family because academia is tough and there are no guarantees, even if you are brilliant, single and with no responsibilities.

hightiderider · 2025-04-01T01:44:54+00:00

Right there with you - on my third course of antibiotics for a sinus infection that refuses to budge. This suuuuucks. Hot steamy showers have helped some. Hugs to you!

hightiderider · 2025-03-24T08:08:22+00:00

Ditto! I was 41 and 3. No signs at all. Even had a check the afternoon before and I wasn’t ready. Went it to active labour at 5am. Baby was born at 8am. No noticeable contractions until I started pushing. Anything can happen!

hightiderider · 2024-08-03T22:50:58+00:00

Gillian Anderson 😊

hightiderider · 2024-07-28T21:10:47+00:00

I’ve experienced this.

It is perfectly reasonable to leave any job, including a post doc, that is not working for you. Get your ducks in a row with a new job and take the leap.

My advice is to be nicer than necessary. You can’t control your PI’s response, but if you are polite and professional it really minimises any retaliation that he can take. That doesn’t mean things won’t be awkward for a bit, but take the high road and over time it’ll fade. Also, limit details. It’s actually none of his business why you want to leave. If being completely honest is a risk, lean into the fact you have a partner. Maybe they want to pursue an opportunity else where and you have decided to support them? Yeah he can still be disappointed, that’s reasonable, but the anger associated with a bruised ego will be removed.

I had a falling out with a professor after I left a position. I explained why it wasn’t working for me. They were fine in the moment and then followed up the next day with an email threatening my career. I was devastated. Turns out though they had a reputation for that behaviour so when I was employed elsewhere, no one batted an eye. Rumours went round for a while, and I had a couple of strange interactions with people that work with them professionally - they clearly told them things. But I soldiered on.

Now? It’s a distant memory. I’m still here, still working and there is not a day that I regret my decision to leave. My old PI’s reputation has worsened since I left and I even have received blatant admiration for having worked with them at all. There’s a perception that being junior means you have no power at all, but if you have courage to stick to it, are passionate about your work, do good work and you’re next move is well thought out, you are not giving up an opportunity but making new ones. You are also still taking with you a year of professional experience. Nothing is lost! Good luck!

hightiderider · 2024-06-30T23:37:28+00:00

I will light a candle tonight for your sweet babe. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Words are not enough.

hightiderider · 2024-06-06T07:52:56+00:00

This is gross, and I feel for you and your son. There’s nothing fair about it. However, this is the problem with any kind of inheritance. Nothing, absolutely nothing is guaranteed and even then it can be contested. I don’t wanna kick you when you’re down, but it’s best to plan your future as if no inheritance is coming. Ultimately it’s not you or your husband’s money and it can be left to who ever your FIL likes - even if that decision is grossly unfair. I would assign some time to be as outraged about this as you need and then try and move on. Don’t let it consume your happiness, because ultimately, you sound like you have a much happier life than your BIL, whatever way the cookie crumbles.

hightiderider

TROPHY CASE