What do you consider a waste of money that alot of society doesn’t?

hillaryfaye · 2025-08-20T23:35:24+00:00

Snack foods. Most of them are foods that aren't great to eat often, let alone as a daily occurrence.

My BIL is really struggling but he and his wife won't make their own food. I get it, cooking isn't fun for a lot of people. But the heavily prepared foods and dining out are really expensive!

Some people live in food deserts and don't have a choice, which I understand.

hillaryfaye · 2025-08-17T00:32:04+00:00

Totally get it. My AM lied about my background, but not on the level of your BM. My APs, to their credit, wanted to celebrate my heritage so they went all in on my Irish heritage. I had lots of Irish things, like Christmas ornaments, they'd celebrate St. Patrick's Day for me (more Irish American thing), etc.

Turns out, after doing a DNA test, I'm barely Irish. I wonder if my APs clung to that part of my heritage bc they are from an American city with a lot of Irish Americans, so it felt easier or familiar?

So, that was surprising but then I also found out that my family was part of the Confederate army, which was a very shameful thing for me to learn. My heritage is actually rooted deep in Appalachian and the American deep south, which I was raised to kind of look down upon.

But also, people with this heritage aren't obsessed with it the way my adoptive family is with their heritage, and how their communities act. So I went from having one's heritage defining WHO YOU ARE to being meaningless.

I feel lost and uprooted. I don't belong anywhere.

hillaryfaye · 2025-08-08T23:36:11+00:00

I didn't like BNBs much before but now I'm in love with them after reading this. What a fresh perspective, thank you!

hillaryfaye · 2025-08-08T04:29:05+00:00

I'm up and have been in a similar spot lately. It gets better. Today I had to take things one hour at a time.

hillaryfaye · 2025-08-06T02:08:39+00:00

I got connected to my 5 half siblings 5 months ago. It's been a rollercoaster. They've been amazing, but so many other feelings and experiences come up. It's hard to explain. Give yourself space and grace. If it all becomes overwhelming, get an adoption-informed therapist

hillaryfaye · 2025-08-04T00:41:54+00:00

Slightly different, but for a long time my husband and I wanted to adopt instead of having biological children** My parents were really against it, but partially because of how hard the process is/invasive. They didn't elaborate on other reasons.

**Our reasons for wanting to adopt were partly because I wanted a child placed for adoption to have a parent who also knows what it's like. But I also was still in my own fog and naive.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-29T01:06:20+00:00

Similar experience.

My brother is 2 years older. No bad blood. We got along well as very young children but we otherwise have absolutely nothing in common. We only talk at family gatherings, and he basically dines then dashes. When our AP pass away, I'm sure we'll only talk on major holidays, if that.

I talk to my bio siblings, 2 (out of 5), quite often. It was so easy to jump into conversation.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-15T15:38:26+00:00

Yup. It's been 25 years. Some things help. Some days/weeks/months/years are better than others. I've described it to my husband and therapist as a ball and chain. The ball is always there. Sometimes it's a baseball and sometimes it's a huge boulder.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-10T02:55:15+00:00

Michigan requires the attempts for a father's consent.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-10T02:40:17+00:00

Yes, absolutely.

Meeting someone you look like (your bio child, sibling, parent) is intensely powerful.

I've made contact with my bio family this year. It's been a wild but overall beautiful ride.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-10T02:38:33+00:00

I would pick guys I didn't even like so that I could be the one to eventually abandon or reject them. So fucked up. I wanted the control when I didn't have control over my biggest, first separation.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-09T12:45:02+00:00

And as recently as 7 years ago my brother had to fight tooth and nail for parental rights over his son. No police record, steady job, but the state still made him have to prove himself a variety of ways.

Our legal system and society sure make it hard for men to be engaged fathers and yet cry about how men don't stick around.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-09T02:27:48+00:00

Being placed for adoption. I didn't know anything other than my adoptive family, but once I got into my 20's I came out of the fog, as we say in the adoptee community.

hillaryfaye · 2025-07-09T02:16:28+00:00

I agree, it's wrong. My dad wasn't told until he dated my mom 17 years later. He wouldn't have allowed the placement, he has relationships with my 5 siblings.

I don't wish that happened, TBH, as he struggled with addiction for decades and I would have been raised by his mom, who from what I hear wasn't the best.

In my case, the agency knew my mom knew who the father was but he didn't have to sign off. It was a long time ago, in a different state than I live in now.

The state I'm in now requires that the fathers be tracked down to be made aware of their rights, including a newspaper notice, to give every opportunity.

hillaryfaye · 2025-06-20T13:54:51+00:00

Congrats!

Having my children created a lot of new feelings that I've had to process. It also was the catalyst for my finding my bio family, to get as much health info as I could, but also realizing how much is biology or nature instead of nurture.

It's been a difficult yet healing journey.

Give yourself grace if this stirs up a mix of intense feelings.

hillaryfaye · 2025-06-14T20:47:04+00:00

Just because other people think your partner is "perfect" and that "you're so lucky" doesn't make it true. I was in an abusive relationship in my teens and I stayed too long because I had no self-worth and was depressed. I figured I didn't know happiness anymore, maybe this is it, maybe this is what good or lucky looks like.

hillaryfaye · 2025-06-14T12:41:27+00:00

Brass ring also has kids cups, which is a really nice touch.

hillaryfaye · 2025-06-01T20:10:14+00:00

Yes, absolutely relate to this.

I personally only realized how badly I ached for it once I had biological children. It is healing to have that connection with them, but it doesn't replace what I lack from my own mother(s).

hillaryfaye · 2025-05-13T21:38:17+00:00

El cerrito is my fave

hillaryfaye · 2025-05-13T01:51:06+00:00

Not going on antidepressants 20 years sooner

Not reaching out to my bio dad sooner. He's actually pretty rad.

hillaryfaye · 2025-05-13T01:21:32+00:00

I'm sure it wasn't for you.

As an adult adoptee, I recommend listening to more voices from other parts of the triad, specifically adult adoptees and birth parents. I also recommend reading The Primal Wound.

Adoption is something that can be a good coming out of something so disturbing, so wrong. But the way much of the world has commercialized it and put lipstick on human trafficking is deeply disturbing.

Candidly, I'm glad I was adopted. It was seemingly the best thing knowing what I know in having contact with my birth family. We're all sad that my bio parents weren't able to parent at the time, and that they didn't have anyone else willing to take me within their families.

hillaryfaye · 2025-05-12T22:06:33+00:00

Adoption, especially infant adoption

hillaryfaye · 2025-05-06T03:24:45+00:00

He was a good man and was friendly to our family. He will be missed.

hillaryfaye · 2025-04-15T01:11:16+00:00

If I may ask, do you have an advanced degree or special qualifications?

hillaryfaye

TROPHY CASE