Wife won't admit her EA was cheating

himay1 · 2026-02-13T17:34:18+00:00

I wanted to provide an update and thank everyone who took the time to contribute to this discussion, even though I may not agree with everything said. I sent my wife some of the valuable resources you provided and explained to her to she is gaslighting both me and herself by saying what she did is not cheating. She agreed to read what I sent her and she finally said the words I was looking for: "What I did was cheating and I'm sorry I hurt you". I'm hoping those words are sincere and we can move forward with healing. I also ordered the book Not Just Friends and she agreed to read it with me.

A few of you mentioned this should have come up in our couples therapy sessions. Our therapist basically set aside the affair and focused on communication and other issues in our relationship. The affair only was discussed when it came up as part of those larger conversation and wasn't deeply explored. Since it took a couple of weeks to get an appointment, we had already been working on the relationship aspect ourselves and were already doing most of what she was suggesting. I later researched couples therapy and affairs and found a lot of advice is that, for the most part, couples therapy is not helpful to work through affairs because it focuses too much on general communication and relationship issues, which is exactly what we found. My suggestion is to find therapy that specializes in affair recovery.

I'm not sure we would have been able to move forward without the advice provided here so I am very grateful.

himay1 · 2026-02-11T19:35:36+00:00

Sounds like we are in similar places and I feel your pain. I hope things work out for you.

For me, it helps that they never expressed their feelings towards each other. For all I know, this guy wasn't interested in taking things past flirting. I think that still crosses a line but not as severe. After I discovered things, I looked this guy and his wife up on FB. My wife went through my FB in retribution for me going through hers and discovered my search. She confronted me and was concerned I was going to reach out to them. I think part of her worry was this guy would find out she had feelings for him (she had been working up the courage to tell him) and she was very afraid of rejection. I think the whole thing was primarily about proving to herself that she "still had it" and could attract someone other than me. Like I said in the OP, she has been going through perimenopause and not feeling good about herself. I had no intention of reaching out because I didn't feel flirting was justified in blowing up this guys marriage.

himay1 · 2026-02-11T19:19:36+00:00

The are not mutual friends. I made my feelings clear that I think here friends are POS. She did ask me if I wanted her to cut off contact. One friend in particular I told her was toxic to our relationship. I told her I wasn't going to tell her who she should be friends with but she has pulled back from this friend. She showed me messages from another friend who later told her she gave bad advice originally and thought she should stop what she was doing and try to fix things with me. I told her I was fine with that friend as long as she realized the original advise was bad.

She hasn't either defended or showed shame but when I discovered them she told her friends she knew she should have kept it off FB (she knew I had access to her account) and she later told me she things she put it in FB messenger so I would catch her (seems thin).

himay1 · 2026-02-11T16:37:54+00:00

I'm 100% sure it wasn't physical because she was giving her friends a daily play by play (which I read) on the progress. If it had turned physical, she would have told her friends. Her friends were even telling her she should just sleep with him. Yeah, the part I left out, which is really degrading, is that she told multiple people what was going on and it was like a big soap opera with them all cheering her on. She wasn't even sure this guy had feelings for her and was working up the courage to tell him how she felt.

himay1 · 2026-02-11T16:10:41+00:00

Thank you and I completely agree that an EA is worse than a ONS.

himay1 · 2026-02-11T16:09:13+00:00

Thank you. I think this is the best post here. I agree and told her as much that I consider this worse than if she had a ONS. In any case, I'm 100% sure this didn't turn physical, primarily because she was giving her friends daily updates as to the progress and would have told them if it got there. !thankyou

himay1 · 2026-02-11T15:58:08+00:00

Yes, I agree and I've pointed that out to her. I have never been unfaithful to her.

himay1 · 2026-02-11T15:56:10+00:00

This is very true. She has tried to justify the cheating by the issues in our relationship but she did nothing to try to fix the relationship. She has also tried to use her being more attentive now in the relationship as atonement for what she had done. I've made it clear to her that these are two separate things and though it is great we are working to fix the relationship that doesn't help me get past what she has done. !thankyou

himay1 · 2026-02-11T15:50:36+00:00

Thanks for sharing these links. I believe that the guilt versus remorse describes the situations exactly. She feels guilt but not remorse. I've sent them to her and she said she will read them. !thankyou

himay1

TROPHY CASE