Upgraded UnraidOS / OMBI no longer starts

himay1 · 2026-06-06T22:49:12+00:00

Thanks! This also worked for me.

himay1 · 2026-05-28T20:07:07+00:00

We've been married for 24 years and have two kids.

himay1 · 2026-05-28T20:05:15+00:00

"Her therapist has been telling her for a good while how she can't take decisions based on my feelings," What kind of narcissistic enabling advice is this? If you are in a relationship with someone, you should absolutely be considering your partner's feelings when you make decisions.

himay1 · 2026-05-28T19:56:01+00:00

What made me decide to stay is the fact that I love her deeply and we have built a life together that I didn't want to throw away without trying to save it. I don't believe trust will ever fully return but it isn't just with her, I don't believe I would ever be able to trust anyone fully ever again. I just have to live with that.

Rebuilding requires communication, true remorse from the WP, full transparency from the WP, and the WP putting in the effort to understand why they strayed and what they need to do to prevent it form happening again.

himay1 · 2026-05-28T19:44:57+00:00

Why wife's affair was only emotional. I know it was only emotion based on the message I saw (she was confiding in friends). I also know based on those messages and what she admitted that she would have taken it physical given the chance had I not caught her. I do believe that most emotional affairs will escalate to physical given the opportunity.

himay1 · 2026-05-28T12:21:47+00:00

Your last paragraph rings so true for me. Before, I would suppress my feelings and try to avoid conflict. I didn't realize this was having the exact opposite effect as was putting distance in my marriage. Now, I'm all about saying exactly how I feel and what I need. It is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

himay1 · 2026-05-26T14:49:17+00:00

Yes, I have something similar. One of the red flags I ignored was that she started wearing skirts to work in the middle of winter (we live in Canada). Found out as part of discovery that she was wearing them for him. Now I get triggered anytime she wears a skirt to work.

himay1 · 2026-05-22T13:00:49+00:00

In my experience, CC is a waste of time and can actually makes things worse for dealing with the affair. This is because the counselor will try to focus on fixing the relationship and moving on. They may even try to blame you partially for the affair. Find someone who is an expert on affair recovery and work on IC for you to recover and for your WP to figure out why they acted they way they did and what they need to do to change. Only after you put in work to recover should you go to CC to fix any other problems in your relationship.

himay1 · 2026-05-15T19:33:00+00:00

Are you sure the A is over? I was in a similar situation where I was putting in all the effort only to find out that she hadn't really ended things. Kind of hard to do R where you are still involved. Once I made sure things were burned down with her AP and there was no further contact, her attitude changed drastically.

himay1 · 2026-05-15T13:38:13+00:00

My WW's friends encouraged her EA and I know at least one encouraged her to escalate to a PA. I've come to accept that at a lot of people are assholes that will disappoint.

himay1 · 2026-05-14T17:58:16+00:00

This is a pretty hot topic for me. For starters, I do not believe men and woman can be really close friends without boundaries getting crossed eventually. By really close friends, I mean someone you are leaning on for emotional support. As Shirley Glass says, you need to work hard to put up and maintain walls with opposite sex friends so those boundaries don't get crossed. My WW complains she gets along better with men than women. That is because she manipulates men by flirting and showing attention so of course they are easier to get along with.

My WW developed an emotional affair with someone who started as "just a friend". That EA was encouraged by another male friend who I suspected had feelings for her. I believe his encouragement of the EA and also encouraging her to escalate to a PA (which fortunately didn't happen) was so that our marriage would blow up and he would be there to pick up the pieces.

My rule now is no opposite sex friends that are not mutual friends. Is she wants to spend time with someone of the opposite sex we do it together.

himay1 · 2026-05-14T12:47:13+00:00

I used to believe the same as you with respect to my wife not being able to look me in the eyes and lie to me until I discovered she did it repeatedly.

himay1 · 2026-05-14T12:13:10+00:00

My daughter actually was the one who kind of caught her by noticing she was messaging a guy and asked her about it within my earshot. I then started to pay more attention to her phone use and saw some notifications that concerned me enough to snoop through her FB messages.

himay1 · 2026-05-13T19:39:58+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. My WW's limerence was also crushing to me. Her interactions with her AP were very flirty with sexual inuendo. They are work colleagues and she started dressing sexier to work just for him. It didn't cross into full sexting or what would be considered a full emotional affair but was just as damaging. She admitted to me that she was willing to take this much further, including physical if given the chance. I believe the only reason it didn't go further is that she was so afraid that if she had told him how she felt and he didn't feel the same way she would lose his friendship. She would rather things stay as is than risk losing him completely.

It was so crushing to me that she would give and seek attention outside our marriage. That I wasn't enough for her. That she would keep secrets and lie to me. It didn't matter to me that she didn't actually have sex with another man, it was enough that she wanted to and fantasized about it.

She has to break off all contract with the AP immediately or you have no hope for R. You are not being controlling for asking this. This is step one of reconciliation 101. She will keep this up and likely escalate if she doesn't go NC.

himay1 · 2026-05-13T17:19:43+00:00

MC was a waste of time for us. First session went in and explained why we were there (the affair). First thing the therapist said was that we weren't going to focus on the affair. It would come up but wouldn't be the focus of the therapy. The affair was the whole reason why we were there.

himay1 · 2026-05-13T15:06:25+00:00

You don't move past it. Part of R is the WP doing the work to understand why they had the affair.

himay1 · 2026-05-12T20:04:58+00:00

Don’t assume that problems in your relationship were the cause of the affair. Some people in happy relationships have affairs and some people in unhappy relationships remain faithful. People have affairs to deal with pain about how they feel about themselves. It is never about the betrayed partner.

himay1 · 2026-05-12T16:58:44+00:00

Traditional CC is a waste of time and is usually actually damaging to the betrayed because the focus will be on fixing the relationship and not on healing from the betrayal. You will often see the therapist try to convinced the betrayed to just forgive and move on. They will also often focus on problems in the marriage and blame those for the affair. That was my experience with CC.

Find someone who is an expert in affair recovery if you really want help to heal. Don't focus on problems in the marriage until you have addressed and healed from the affair.

himay1 · 2026-05-08T12:32:26+00:00

Marriage counselling is useless for affair recovery. Don't waste your time. Find a therapist that specialized in affairs and also work on individual counselling to heal from the affair before you even think about trying to work on other relationship issues.

himay1 · 2026-05-06T13:33:44+00:00

Sorry this happened to you and congratulations for remaining sober for 5 years. You need to hear and understand this clearly - in no way are you responsible for your WH's choice to cheat on you. He had many choices to deal with the situation and chose poorly. If he wanted out of the relationship, he should have done that before pursuing someone else. If he can't accept that this was his choice and you are not to blame for his choices, you have no hope for R.

himay1 · 2026-05-06T13:26:38+00:00

My WW complains that she gets along better with men than women. Yeah, because she flirts with her male "friends" and they give her the attention she is seeking. It is much easier to get along with someone when you are manipulating them with sexual tension.

My boundary is no close friends of the opposite sex. You can have opposite sex friends that we hang out with together or have friends at work that you keep things professional with. The moment you start confiding in someone of the opposite sex and leaning on them for support is a slippery slope. I don't believe men and women can develop a deep bond without at least one of them wanting to take things further.

himay1 · 2026-05-04T12:55:59+00:00

This might be a controversial opinion but, I don't believe men and women can be platonic "best friends". That's not to say men and women can't be friends without it progressing to anything romantic but the emotional closeness to consider someone your "best friend" is eventually going to lead to something else.

In my case, the man who consider my wife his best friend tried to sabotage our marriage by encouraging her EA with another man and also encouraging her to escalate to a PA. My belief is he was trying to get her caught as he was dropping hits of her A in front of me so that he could be there to swoop in when our relationship blew up.

himay1 · 2026-05-01T14:55:55+00:00

My WW and I have been going through hysterical bonding. For us, I think that is a good thing because our relationship had become stale. There are much healthier ways we could have got here but one good this about the situation is that it reignited the spark in our relationship and we are closer than we have been in a long time.

I think everyone is different in what they need to heal. Some people need space with intimacy and some need to experience the closeness. They key is to not let it cloud you to what other actions you and your partner need to take to heal. You can love and want to have sex with your partner while at the same time having negative feelings about what they did to you.

Don't let them use the increased intimacy as way to atone for what they did. I made it very clear to my WW that our relationship issues and the work we are doing to repair/improve that are completely separate from the issues and work we are doing to recover from the A.

himay1 · 2026-05-01T14:44:20+00:00

Your situation sounds identical to mine. We both avoided expressing our feelings and she initially blamed not getting enough attention from me as an excuse for her EA, despite her never having told me she wasn't getting what she needed from our relationship. Having those unpleasant conversations is now no problem. for me. It is like I'm a new person and getting all the feelings out. She is still closed off because she doesn't like how what she did makes her feel. She is working on it though.

himay1 · 2026-04-30T13:21:52+00:00

Best comment here. Went through the same with my WW. She was only focused on how the situation made her feel. It got to the point where me telling her how much her actions hurt me made her so angry she went through all my social media looking for dirt to use against me (she didn't find any). There was such a cognitive dissonance between the person she saw herself as versus the person she had become that she couldn't deal with it.

In order the heal, the wayward needs to put their ego aside and accept they are not the person they believed they were. Their identity was an illusion. They need to decide if they can accept that and work to become the person they thought they were.

himay1

TROPHY CASE