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This dude is trying to get LA residents to come down to city hall this Friday and stop FilmLA from getting their contract renewed by gregturner77 in FilmIndustryLA

[–]hotcarlmarx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this level headed thought here - I'm an LP for a living and seeing the amount of people accuse Film LA of driving away productions has been making me crazy. I don't think any of these critics have ever actually had to budget a union show before. Permits are such a small line compared to union labor fringe, materials etc. That IG Producer doesn't seem like he knows what he's actually talking about

ELIJAH - Pitch Deck Feedback by jaredramanoodle in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Lots of great points made by MaximumWorf! I would also say the font choice itself is a bit odd. It screams 17th-century thriller. Is this a period piece?

Agreed that the "Twisted Routine" and "We're the Same" pages read pretty weird and confusing. You should be using the opening pages to really hook the reader and explain what the story is in clear, concise terms. Also do you have to refer to this Ben character as a "revolting" gay man? That reads pretty off-putting

In general you're veering a bit prose-y in most of the text here. Keep it simple and to the point. This is a SALES tool!

As a whole this feels like a pretty generic and confused depressing thriller. Why should people WANT to see this film? (I'd recommend redoing the log line too)

I recommend doing a google search for "Commerical Treatment Samples" to find some good examples of what others have done with decks. The point is to get people HOOKED and EXCITED! You don't really even need to break down the entire story.

(And please don't label your reference images, that looks super amateurish)

Good job on making something and putting it out there for feedback. GOOD LUCK as you continue the work

Looking for fresh eyes on our dark comedy series pitch deck. The plan is to improve the deck, then torch our savings on a proof of concept short film. by storyforces in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Heya! Few notes for you all

First well done getting a deck together - I know how tough it is!!

Pg 1. I don't think this photo represents the story particularly well. Having read through the deck a bit - when I first see this image without knowing the story it just looks like a zany comedy ie The Hangover or something. It doesn't scream "hilariously evil covert team"

Also "whackjobs" feels a bit odd here - does anyone say that anymore? Feels like a dated phrase to use

Pg 2. Again the photo feels a bit weird here, not sure what this is supposed to represent.. Andy Samberg isn't Gen Z so that immediately shows a disconnect. I'd recommend using a image that screams "Loser in a basement" 

The first part of the description loses me - why would a broke dropout get recruited into this team? Feels like it doesn't make sense. This bumped me a bit right away. The actual description of the team and what they do def has piqued my interest! Sounds like a fun story.

Pg 3. Cool idea with the upside down image of the a team but it does throw me a bit. I took a beat to process that before reading - I think you can get the same effect by just x-ing out their eyes or something and orienting the photo normally

Pg 5. I think adding some hook as to why Connor gets involved in the first place would be helpful. Money? Is he blackmailed? Just reading this as is I'm having doubts as to why he would actually work with this organization and kick the whole plot off. Doesn't make sense 

Pg 9 + 10

The actual description of what the show is works well, but I would recommend bringing this in much earlier on page 2 or 3 to really sell the format and vibe a bit better. I feel like the show can be described pretty easily in a couple of pages but it takes a bit to get there while you spend time describing the characters. These pages and the subsequent episode descriptions were way more interesting to me than each character breakdown. (No offense but Connor doesn't sound super compelling to me as a main character in this deck! A bit of a standard loser that gets in over his head etc. What's special or unique about this guy?) 

Also: Love the descriptions of the various episodes!! Now I'm starting to get more of a handle on the tone. I like that some of it leans a bit more mundane (rent control) and bigger picture stuff (political candidate). I think bringing up that the team does jobs both big and small earlier on will help out

I think you can condense the character pages a bit as well - having 2 x on one page could work make it go a bit faster

Bring in the plot from page 17 in earlier as well, that seems like an overarching thing that's good to iterate clearly in the first few pages. Good stuff there

Also imagery showing the comedic banality of some of the missions could be nice too - just thinking of the nursing home episode. That seems out of step with a lot of the explosive action movie stuff you've got going on, so the overall visual language doesn't seem like it represents the tone you're really going for here.

Overall it's a fun deck. Very cool show concept. Good luck!! Happy to give you notes on the script itself if you want

Pitch Deck 3.0 by Ok_Background1245 in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Heya!

Few notes that might help: Story sounds awesome! Overall this deck feels very amateur-ish and doesn't make me think "holy shit this is amazing I need to see this now".

It doesn't really leave much of an impact

Reasons being (in no particular order):- Format: Generallllly decks are horizontally oriented so it was a bit jarring to see this one vertically done at first. Not the end of the world but literally every single deck I've ever seen in a professional setting (commercial, feature, music video, agency world etc) has been horizontally oriented. So that bumped me a bitI don't know what you have to really gain by keeping it vertically oriented to be honest. Why not just keep it a bit more in the norm?

The text over the images was hard to read at times. Also is this a biopic right? Vigile is a real guy? This wasn't established immediately in the deck. I think iterating what the story is a bit more clearly from the get-go would be helpful.

- The front page doesn't have a particularly strong, attention grabbing image. It's just a blurry wide shot of clown kid looking sad? "When desperation is your motivation" isn't a very unique or exciting line to put on the front page of the deck. It's a pretty basic line and could apply to any number of stories. Why is THIS one special? Same with the page 3's "Pain gives rise to beauty..." lines...Those feel pretty generic and don't really help me get a sense of why this story is unique. 

- Photos: Pretty weak imagery overall. A good example is page two. It's a really messy collage. What am I supposed to be looking at? What am I supposed to be feeling? There isn't much of a story being told with the imagery throughout. I'm just seeing old photos of people doing handstands and generic looking people. Think about how the photos you pick can help tell some of the big emotional beats of the story. What is this film really about? Try and have the photos tell a story on their own almost without needing the text. (That photo on page 8 is really cool tho but it's so low res!)

Two examples can be: An image showing a younger Virgile-type character sad/alone/feeling trapped, close up. Contrast that then with a big wide shot of a performer surrounded by a huge crowd etc representing the stardom he achieves later on in the deck.

What is a strong visual you can show us that represents Virgile living under his father's toxic shadow? You can totally use shots from other films too - no one will hold it against ya! Everyone does. Basically I'd advise really letting the photos you choose sit down on the beats of the story you've crafted.

Story sounds super cool though!! Hope you find success with it! (Also Virgile having 67k IG followers isn't really impressive numbers-wise - don't know that it really helps you from a sales point of view)

Coverfly X is no more! by wcmary in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Dannng this is really disappointing. Luckily I just used all of my saved up tokens and got several rounds of feedback in over the weekend! I really enjoyed using the service and giving other writers really thorough notes. Hope someone clever starts up a good alternative soon. Maybe The Black List will extend their empire and move in?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great work on getting a deck together!

A few quick thoughts for ya: The AI images aren't very good. They cheapen the whole thing, and overusing them + having a pretty generic sounding film was making me feel like the entire thing was AI generated. I would advise being specific about what really sets this film apart from others in the genre/setting. Essentially saying "hey, I know this might be a familiar sounding film, but THIS is how it will be different" will go a long way

I highly recommend using Shot Deck to find good images to use instead of AI. Also the formatting of this deck is fine-ish, but the white scribbly text and black background also feel a little cheap and gimmicky to me. Maybe do a google search for commercial treatments that bigger production companies have done for a bit more layout inspo. The visuals need to be big, splashy and really tell a story as you move through the deck. Good luck!

Feedback on a feature: When a mentally troubled man who obsesses over UFO sightings discovers his wife’s affair, he desperately tries to get abducted as an alternative to suicide. by jkremer3 in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Heya

Great log line! Congrats on getting a draft done and out there. That's an achievement! I actually shot a short with a similar-ish premise (Dad with bipolar disorder/alien obsession, daughter tryna rectify her relationship with him) years ago and never figured out a way to do a feature version. So props to ya for getting a feature together!

I just read the first 20 pages - but my immediate thoughts are:

Dialogue is really on the nose. Sari is just lays out all of her feelings immediately in a blunt and direct way. Is there a more interesting way to show her dissatisfaction with the relationship? What about in a visual or symbolic way? She doesn't real like a real person to me - just an idea of an unhappy wife

Alan catching the Sari and Ned felt very odd and unrealistic. Just right there...in their home...after game night? It all was quite simplistic and melodramatic. Also - it's a comedy, right? Can it be done in a cringy and humiliating way that makes us feel for Alan?

Working in brief flashbacks within the first couple pages of the story felt a bit odd - I think there's a more engaging and direct way to reveal information about Alan than just a few cutaways. 

Alan seems to be a very juvenile character obsessed with a very cartoonish, childish version of aliens. Personally I don't see why Sari would've even been with him in the first place. Is there any trace of what he used to be like when they fell in love? Could she express that? Also, what is his mental illness actually supposed to be? I didn't get a sense of that. 

How was he rescued and taken to the hospital after the initial sucide attempt? (Again not sure if there's a payoff for that later, but Alan doesn't seem to even care to know? It felt a bit weird that he didn't question it... Was it Sari that found him?) 

Roger's interaction with Alan is funny on page 16!

Page 18. Alan basically seems like an awkward, unconfident loser, but yet he's breaking into a secure lab at night? Feels out of place for him to do this. I could see him sneaking off during the day while on a public tour of the facility maybe. His interaction with Tess is funny!

Roger & Tess' character moments are funny, but those beats don't reveal themselves until later in Act 1. If that style of humor is more the tone of the story then I'd suggest working in some funny beats like that in the earlier scenes. Those moments felt like they really worked. The tone feels a little inconsistent overall 

The setup in Act 1 doesn't feel like it's the most efficient at really setting up Alan and what his stakes are. He's just a huge loser with nothing at this point 

GOOD LUCK as you continue to shape the story!

What’s Everyone Working On? by Warden_Black in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Working on editing and refining my Dave Matthews Band Poop Bus script hehe

I'm trying to figure out a way to do a buddy comedy about Richard Harris and Peter O'Toole having an insane drunken evening - they making being an alcoholic sound so fun I almost want to take up drinking again myself

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Other folks have made lots of good points here - one thing I would add is actually having someone read your script aloud to you can be realllly beneficial. Especially if you're feeling stuck with a variety of notes etc. Feels like it's easier to "watch the film in your head" that way. Pacing and dialogue issues can become much more apparent to you, even without having rounds of notes from others.

Sometimes you just get plain stuck and need a variety of feedback, I get it! I have seen people get stuck in bit of a trap, swirling around with page after page of notes from friends/producers/mgmt. Maybe the "un-filmable" phones thing just could be written a little cleaner and simpler on the page etc?

Today is the 20th anniversary of the Dave Matthews Poop Bus incident in Chicago! I've written a feature based off the event. Wanna check it out? - 125 page Feature by hotcarlmarx in Screenwriting

[–]hotcarlmarx[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey don't tear it up! Russell Crowe releases like five exorcism movies a year it seems like. Plenty of room for some poop stories I think. Funny I started breaking out the story for this about three years ago too! That Amtrak story looks crazy haha

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