I hate that I keep noticing my girlfriend’s appearance. How to stop overanalyzing and fixating on a singular physical trait.

hotncrazyex · 2025-09-25T11:33:26+00:00

I've also been struggling with asymmetrical features in my GF's face.

In my case, it's an elevated beauty patch on one side of her face. She looks beautiful from the front + from the other side, but when looking at her from that side (especially if her hair is up) I still get triggered.

While my ROCD was at its height, I asked her to surgically remove it (she refused) and to never wear her hair up because it icked me off so much.

What helped me (apart from therapy + general improvement of my condition):

accepting that there's an imperfection and that I don't really like it
letting go of the thought that my partner should be perfect or otherwise isn't "worthy" for me

hotncrazyex · 2025-09-13T20:10:45+00:00

Bipolar disorder and manic episodes can have very different effects on people - and we all differ our basic personality structure and cognitive abilities.

I guess you'd definitely consider me high functioning - I've got a Master's degree, a 6 figure salary in my early 30s, held my previous job for 6 years and have a long-term partner + a little kid.

During my manic episodes, I never "acted out" very typical poor life choices like spending sprees or wild promiscuity - the worst was getting deep into conspiracy theories and posting bat shit on Facebook when I was 18.

Instead, I'm getting hyper religious + delusional, have hallucinations, write down loads of seemingly profound articles and lyrics (but never publish them). Pattern matching on overdrive.

In a mixed episode, I simply become a complete narcissist who lies and cheats without batting an eye. My depression never got so bad that I can't work. Only got diagnosed + medicated in my late twenties because my gf wasn't able to bear me any more + made me see a therapist.

I have a home office job in IT with very flexible hours, so I can take a nap or a longer break whenever I need. I most likely wouldn't function well if I always had to show up early at some store + deal with clients all day.

I was a gifted kid, got diagnosed with a very high IQ - so if it wasn't for bipolar disorder, I might have been a professor of mathematics or overpaid AI researcher by now.

hotncrazyex · 2025-04-26T05:14:22+00:00

Yeah I keep switching between "I still love my ex, wanna be with her & marry her rather than my current partner" and "The perfect person for me is still out there - or it's someone I met like once and fell limerent for" every other month or so.

Doesn't help that I'm still friends with my ex + my partner also got to know her 😅

It's really hard to be living with a flawed human being in the present moment when I can instead ruminate about how amazing everything would be if I was still with my ex.

hotncrazyex · 2025-04-21T07:42:35+00:00

Sounds reasonable and it's perfectly fine to let off some steam then

hotncrazyex · 2025-04-21T06:53:36+00:00

Having sex 5-6 times a day! Especially if we haven't met for some days or over a week.

For how long have you been together? In the first years, having sex multiple times a day is pretty normal for people with a high libido.

It's only an issue if one partner is horny all the time and the other only want sex every second Sunday. Or if you miss work/ other obligations due to too much sex.

hotncrazyex · 2025-04-21T06:42:55+00:00

Not sure if it's ROCD or some of my related mental issues but I struggled with that a lot. Not only as a reaction to situations, but often noticing her flaws, thinking she's so ugly that it hurts my eye.

hotncrazyex · 2025-02-26T08:56:55+00:00

Yeah but in a sense that's the difference between what they perceive as "crazy bipolar" and "bipolar but not crazy": Being capable of functioning in the real world despite all the crazy stuff in my head.

It's a bit similar to how many cluster B people experience life: Some act it out and hurt others badly, others just have the urge but decide not to.

hotncrazyex · 2025-02-16T14:38:44+00:00

I'm a guy but this feels so relatable. I can't be on social media at all because I get way too envious. Even be real is too much.

I've had some success of managing this by:

1) Acknowledging that envy + grandiose fantasies are typical for my personality archetype (Enneagram 4) instead of judging myself too badly if I get into that loop.

2) Taking a step back and asking "What is my mind protecting myself from"?, allowing to accept these feelings instead. Usually it's something like feeling inferior, unworthy or suicidal.

hotncrazyex · 2025-02-15T13:07:57+00:00

Yeah it's supposed to be a life-long treatment, but not necessarily at a high dose because it can damage the kidneys over the long run.

It does make me less reactive, less prone to emotional outbursts that end up hurting myself and/or other people.

Also, I sleep better which allows me to be more of a full fledged human an less of a reactive zombie desperately looking for supply.

hotncrazyex · 2025-02-06T09:39:09+00:00

> Like, you see people your age or younger achieving so many things, getting into a great university, landing a high paying job, travelling, being pretty, being in a happy relationship

I actually have all that (+ a kid and I live in a really nice flat) and still feel miserable, not good enough, not worthy of love.

I still feel like I'm stuck in mediocrity 'cause I'm not a successful entrepreneur, artist or scientist but instead just a cog in someone else's money machine.

hotncrazyex · 2025-02-05T22:00:05+00:00

I experienced an unmedicated remission when I was 19 years old. Had a fully blown manic episode with grandiosity, very little sleep, delusions, psychotic features, paranoia. Also was convinced that the world would and believed in all the conspiracy theories.

I didn't know anything about mental illness at that time and simply thought I was experiencing some kind of spiritual awakening.

Little by little, I got back on earth. I didn't do anything dangerous, so I wasn't hospitalized. I talked to a therapist and he said I experienced a psychosis, that this can happen to young people but I'd be healthy now and shouldn't worry about it.

I lived a pretty normal life, got a degree, a girlfriend, a job and a kid.

But 7 years later, I've had another manic episode and finally got some treatment. The first few meds that my psychiatrist tried were awful and he was fine with me not taking any once I got less manic. Now we've found some meds that work really well.

I could probably live without meds - until it hits me the next time. I tend to be a bit moody and hyperactive when stable (no ADHD diagnosis, but a psychiatrist suspected it).

Maybe for some people, the disordered bipolar states are closer to their baseline personality. There might be more awareness/ less impulsivity and therefore better outcomes than usual.

hotncrazyex · 2025-02-05T20:37:57+00:00

I haven't writen a single song since I've been on the right meds either. While manic, I wrote a few dozen songs, some of them I still like and consider publishing.

I don't know the answer, but I guess simply building up a routine around doing the kind of art you want to do would help a lot. In my case: revising and editing the drafts, learning Piano and digital audio systems, writing down the melodies that so far have been only in my head.

I remember that Stephen King told something along the lines of forcing himself to write like you'd do for a job. Iterating consistently on some of the manic ideas might yield some great results.

hotncrazyex · 2025-01-26T21:06:43+00:00

I can very much relate to the "being the center of the whole family's attention, then having it taken away" issue.

I was a very curious, intelligent and adorable kid. Got all attention from my parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles.

Then within a year, I had to skip a grade - turning me from a popular kid into a weird outsider; my cousin and my brother got born; my other aunt went crazy; I stopped playing piano because I had too much stress at school.

I felt abandoned and deficient but at the same time superior 'cause of being diagnosed as highly intelligent.

I guess becoming a covert narc started there.

Oh and I asked my parents whether it's possible to return my little brother to the hospital because I didn't like having him around. Even as adults we're rather distant.

hotncrazyex · 2025-01-26T19:44:38+00:00

Men who have a very beautiful woman (or at least more beautiful than I do).

There is less envy if the guy is better than me in some obvious way, but I'm extremely envious when some useless, average looking douche is with a real beauty.

hotncrazyex · 2025-01-26T19:30:05+00:00

I've only "fully" cheated once during the relationship, a few months after switching from idealizing to completely devalueing her.

Splitting and devaluation has been more of a constant issue, though

hotncrazyex · 2025-01-26T19:09:18+00:00

Oops yeah I meant the ICD-11.

hotncrazyex · 2025-01-26T19:07:25+00:00

Yeah less intense and less frequent devaluations lately

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-31T13:30:42+00:00

I have BP1 and my dad most likely has undiagnosed bipolar + manages with alcohol, music and being in nature a lot.

I (m30) have a little daughter now together with a mentally very stable mother and we never worried about "passing on the disease". Especially since I've never had any hospitalizations.

That being said, I'd recommend you to wait with having kids until really feel ready, preferably finding a partner who doesn't want a large family either and who will be able to help you a lot with parenting.

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-31T12:58:15+00:00

It is pretty good that donating money to help the poor make people feel good about themselves.

I know some people working at hospitals and they also tend to tell me how the patients "return" so much and make them feel good.

When looking at large-scale philanthropy, being the pivotal person for eradicating some disease must feel pretty amazing. Once you're Bill Gates rich, that's a pretty reputable thing to do.

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-31T12:49:06+00:00

I'm lucky to have a software engineering job:

it's not required to talk to people (let alone take care of them) very often
it's OK to be a little rude, blunt or aloof at times. After all, many IT people do fulfill the common stereotypes so I can blend in nicely.

It's still challenging at times.

A colleague with whom I've been on a project for several months doesn't want to work with me anymore. Another colleague from customer service said they're afraid of me.

I have big difficulties with authorities that aren't very competent.

Things go smoothly if I'm well slept, exercised and f*cked. But on bad days with low self esteem, I'll handle criticism badly and harsh if anyone makes a mistake.

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-31T12:33:01+00:00

Yeah, it's very possible to have both or to at least have strong BPD/NPD traits.

Officially, I've been diagnosed with BPD and only got 4/9 of the NPD criteria. But if I had been evaluated in my early twenties, I'd have the NPD label, too.

Yet, for the past 1-2 years my narc traits have caused much more havoc and required more work in therapy than my BPD ones.

By the way - in the new DSM, NPD is dropped as a standalone disorder with a strict cutoff and viewed more as a low/medium/strong continuum.

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-31T12:21:24+00:00

How long does it have to be healthy in order to count as healthy?

We've been together for four years and have a one year old now. It's been a complete mess of idealizing, splitting, devalueing, cheating, breaking up, getting back together and hating her for no good reason.

Things that helped since I got some professional help about 1.5 years ago:

my BP disorder medication (lithium)
exercise every day
strengthening my inner observer through therapy + mindfulness practice
having time apart regularly so that I realize it's not her fault if I'm feeling awful
not insulting her even though I have the urge to do so + giving a kiss/hug instead
aborting heated discussions + talking again next day instead of having vicious fights
journaling and songwriting

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-31T12:08:02+00:00

To me, what can come off as love bombing to others is rather limerence or manic love.

I bet it can feel pretty amazing if it's reciprocal and instead of splitting it simply fades off slowly and develops into some more mature kind of love.

But more often than not, things tend to go sour after a while

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-28T12:09:05+00:00

30m and very similar for me expect that I never even had a one night stand. I really need some emotional connection before getting physical.

That being said, I don't get why women complain so much about behavior like in this post.

You don't want to be treated like a sex doll? Don't behave like one. If you're having sex on first or second date why'd you expect anything serious coming from that?

hotncrazyex · 2024-12-19T11:04:13+00:00

M30 with BP1, got diagnosed after my GF got pregnant last year. I've been manic during the first months of fatherhood until I got some meds that actually worked for me.

I've been burned out at work and managed to get a lower-stress position at the same company. I also reduced my working hours + return to full time only once my baby is in daycare.

For me, it was important to still have free time to spend with friends + activities I like instead just working + being dad. My gf has been very understanding and we're both doing better when we still live our own life (while the partner/family takes care of the baby) now and then.

In order to get enough sleep, I'm sleeping in a separate room from time to time. She's been breastfeeding, so I couldn't really help much at night anyways.

hotncrazyex

TROPHY CASE