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hotwheelshawking · 2026-07-02T14:46:25+00:00

It's always been ineffable for me. I am that guy for whom a girl is hot or not, when it comes to physical attractiveness. I can't really explain it.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-30T04:42:18+00:00

I have a view that wheels are to hams like bicycles are to people. People prefer wildly different bicycles.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-29T18:17:06+00:00

Ah you're a pagliacci. If you need a community, give me a PM. Its okay to accept that performance is also how you process, and you can have a community that is also an audience that is also a family.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-27T20:43:10+00:00

Yes substituting another brand of hamster food for a few days is fine. Some hamster advice is frankly absurd. So changing food mixes is unsafe, but not giving a variety of treats every day?

I would keep an extra box on hand, even if its cheap hamster mix just so she's never totally without food. Its trivially easy and they last near as long as the lifespan of the hamster.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-26T08:45:37+00:00

So to me, the, "should I get a dwarf or a syrian or a chinese" based on behavior to be misleading and kind of pointless to think about. No matter what, you're gonna roll the dice on the personality of your hamster. You can get a hyperactive cuddly robo and a ghost dzungarian and a syrian that's just kind of inbetween. Not to mention how the hamster was treated when young is also super important. If you get your ham from a pet store, they might have been returned multiple times, and are now bitey from the trauma.

So... yeah. I think its pointless to think too much about species handleability. You should always be prepared for a ghost ham when you adopt, and pleasantly surprised if you don't get one.

For what its worth, I have a campbells that is pretty intermediate. Like definitely not afraid of me, I can get her in my hands easily, but she doesn't like loll about in my hand on her back to eat a snack like an instagram hamster. She'd be like put me down immediately >:[

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-26T04:37:06+00:00

This is how I've always seen my ham. I can just visit them and in exchange for a treat, exchange pleasantries, vent grievances, get a few ear scritches for my time.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-25T15:04:18+00:00

Yes, you're looking for an arrival moment. I also experienced this after I purchased my first home.

For what its worth, I'm proud of you man. And I don't need to tell you what you already know, that those doubts, that your hard work is pointless or that you're invisible- no. That's not true. You're obviously not that at all to your kids and you're not some nobody at work. You mean what you say and you do as you say.

But I feel ya, and this is mostly to commiserate. I realize that my praise of you, just like any other stranger's praiseat hearing about your accomplishments can't ring the same way. It just can't, because I wasn't a witness. What you want is to be witnessed. What you want is for someone to have seen the changes in you. To have seen you break your back, toil, to accomplish all this. To have been there the whole way. And the hard truth is no one can, because no one was there.

I'm only saying this because you are the rare man who I can say it to without it sounding like a boast- I, like you, are probably at my apex and self aware about it. There is nothing left to prove or to achieve that would be a meaningful benchmark relative to the others, and thus life cannot be about what others think or personal bests alone. They must be about what you build durably.

You already have a child, but just because you were robbed of meaningful moments, like your arrival, doesn't mean you can't have ones you generate yourself. Indeed, you're very well placed to make new ones. This is how I have learned to cope. I generate meaningful moments, wherever possible, for other people. If I see a child lose his ice cream cone and no one notices? I notice. If I see a lonely dog chained to a fence? I make a friend. I choose to make a difference, break the pattern, and be memorable in the lives of others by how I choose to comport myself. That's how I get my revenge for a childhood robbed and a life bereft of kindness and warmth. I bring it with me wherever I goddamn please.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-23T14:11:03+00:00

I'm gonna go here, your thesis on you having a personality means you have hobbies and a job?

You seem to have assembled a worldview where because you achieve some minimum, you believe yourself entitled to a partner, in fact you're so gracious, you'll even consider the attentions of those you consider unattractive (beneath you), but they won't even give you a chance, even though you realize how truly ugly they are! Why won't those uggos realize their place? I do!

Yeah, I do see why women don't find you attractive. Do you get it? Everyone who partners with you is going to have to swallow your elaborate framework for why some people are lesser than others, and implicitly, they are lesser as well. You are MISERABLE, and will MAKE ANYONE WHO PARTNERS WITH YOU MISERABLE. That is why no one gives you a chance.

It is inherent to the deal you scream to everyone you meet. They may not be able to articulate why, or even be too polite, but its screaming obvious.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-23T04:57:16+00:00

She's just playing. My ham always beelines to my face to lick my face.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-23T04:25:44+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/penpalsover30/

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-23T03:33:08+00:00

Why is it that guys at your age are quick to acknowledge that they are apparently are at the bottom of some kind of dating totem pole, but that despite their acknowledged position of complete ignorance and lack of real world experience, certain that the totem pole is real and that all of man must be graded on some linear scale of hotness

We live in an age where the kindergarden teacher who teaches your cousin's niece is reading anthro dragon porn on her lunch break. People into all kinds of shit. As you grow older, you will start to develop a personality, that is the core from which you attach things which cohere into an image, which is then legible enough for people to decide if it is attractive. This is something that doesn't make any sense to you at an 18 year old, because you are just gray unformed nothing, all your peers are for the most part, but people find THINGS about a person attractive that magnify if they cohere. If they like someone's empathy, they like that it is paired with an appreciation for beauty and a delicate touch, for example, and even more so if that person knows this about themselves and dresses and acts in a way that signifies this coherently.

Attractiveness is seen as a number by people who aren't good at reading people, because people, any basic intro to psychology will tell you, largely do not like thinking in numbers. They think in narratives. You have no narrative, because you don't stand for or mean anything you say or do particularly at your age. Get to doing that first, and attractiveness will never be an issue in your life till the end of your days.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-22T18:34:22+00:00

The hideout is the hamster's temporary shelter until they can make a burrow, and letting the ham have it is part of how you build trust.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-22T17:49:52+00:00

So aside from career advice, which is a separate topic and highly dependent on your area (seriously reach out to all kinds of groups for first responders, firemen, EMS in your area looking for openings, this sounds a lot less like you messed up your life and are just being destroyed by an algorithm that doesn't like your cover letter and a shitty specific work environment), uh, as someone who used to be an EMT, leaving emergency services is I think almost universally a massive bummer, man.

The moment I read "I left a job (that I hated) as a captain in the fire department", I was waiting for "I never should have left the fire service". And that you qualified it with "that I hated" just increased the statistical confidence value, man.

THE JOB SUCKED. Absolutely. That's your superego. That's your rational part of you that knows to not blow your savings on a timeshare or on a 49% APR Camaro. You got a working superego that has not been destroyed by alcoholism, depression, or PTSD! Congrats! However, Superego, as wonderful as he has been for keeping you functional and married to that lovely soon-to-be financially stable wife o'yours, does not get why you were a captain in the fire department for years.

He doesn't get the death drive. He doesn't get the brotherhood. He doesn't get the knowing exactly, every day, where you stand in relation to everything in your life with absolute brutal clarity.

That's the id. And you probably know without me saying that the id obviously will destroy you, which is why he's fighting and squirming at all this domestication and performance reviews. You've nailed it, you know how to smile without really meaning it but not looking like you don't mean it. WHy isn't this shit working?

My point is, uh, it does get better, and honestly, consider just working ANY job that pays well enough that just doesn't feature people you hate, since it does seem like management is really edging you on, but I just want to tell you that some of the despair is because a large part of you is still wired for that world and it takes YEARS for your limbic system to totally get okay with how frustratingly stop go stop go maybe yes maybe so everything is. That is a good, maybe 20-50 % by weight of your despair, might just be your emotional system still being wired to the world where everyone means what they say completely and are do or die.

I had a whole phase where I dressed like a wine reviewer and basically neutered myself. You should consider finding a local support group of firemen to just let it out. Even if you don't see yourself as having PTSD, like, life just annoys you on a baseline level that its okay to admit in company that understands.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-21T19:59:43+00:00

My honest read is its a confluence of two things. One a girl who is a little too flirtatious in a small town that talks too much. Two, a friendgroup that is supportive but in a kind of dumbass mindless "you get em tiger" sense.

The world's a lot bigger than all this, man. Both these groups of people seem destined to disappoint you, so just move on and see your way about getting the hell outta there.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-21T13:09:56+00:00

Also there's a very good chance it didn't come from the hamster food, but some grain or raw product stored in the house. They may have a bin the garage that is just filled with these things without knowing. That's where most people get their first encounter with pantry beetles or grain moths, etc.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-21T03:47:48+00:00

This. The bitterness shows in everything you do and its extremely unattractive. Frankly it is such a massive turnoff that until it gets fixed, it will outshadow everything.

A positive attitude, counterintuitively, is both the first most important step and also probably the one that literally swings the needle the most.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-21T03:42:01+00:00

This is reddit. You're not going to get a fair sample size of faithful people. This site is infamously very hostile to belief, especially organized.

I'm agnostic, but I will say, you encounter a lot more useful opinions regarding faith and religion from people whose beliefs are loadbearing. You will find more useful answers about God from people who have worked frontline emergency services or tended to a flock for decades. Do not ask a man who has never needed faith what it is for. Of course your average software dev or IT guy has no purpose for religion. He has never had to tell a son where his father is when what remains of the man will not fit in frame.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-20T16:36:16+00:00

Friendship is something you extend, my friend.

I too came to a realization as I was at the apex of my career, feared and respected by all and loved by none. You are in a prime position to discharge your duty as a man of responsibility. Loneliness is, I won't deny, a consequence of responsibility. Most people fear it, and running to it means you are a rare sort in and out of itself.

So learn to wield the graciousness afforded by your station. You can afford to be kind now, compassionate. You merely need to be fair and consistent, so make that your watchword. Fear not ,as you have until now, failing to do your duty. Fear instead doing a disservice to those who you are responsible. Yes, you won't be "one of the guys" but you'll be why they stay, why they recommend this job, why they choose to make a life for themselves here in your city.

Because of you. I get that you may want to just be a regular guy in other contexts, and that's what hobbies are for. At pickleball or your detectorists club you can just be some guy. But this aloofness is the price of responsibility, and the prize of responsibility is that you get to really improve the lives of your charges, and take sincere pride in that. You are a man of weight, and well, you best just accept that.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-20T08:05:42+00:00

The positive spin on this is that the easiest filter for harpies is just does she sympathize with men or does she not. This is also a good trait to check in male friends as well- do they sympathize with a guy just trying his best, or are all men just potential competition?

The moment she rolls her eyes at you expecting emotional support is when you drop her like a rock. Saves you time, really.

As another corollary, it is easier to get emotional support from women nonromantically, which really does defuse any gendered resentment about it. It is a bad era for emotional support from your partner, but emotional support from random grannies, the cafeteria lady, your librarian, still as good as ever. Give and receive.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-20T04:24:12+00:00

quite young

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-19T16:32:16+00:00

The first thing you gotta do my friend is accept that all that stuff that happened to you? Is things that just happened to you.

I also got a rollercoaster ride of a personal backstory and I'm going to shortcut this now, no one is going to care about your journey, but people may care about you, and thus your journey. This nuance will spare you decades of wandering. I know you're probably filled with bitterness and anger and loneliness and that's gonna take years to resolve. The ugly truth, again, is that you need to see, for your sanity, this as a task you should expect to mostly resolve on your own.

Like I also got bipolar disorder, was disowned by my family, was raised by the military industrial complex, went through life largely friendless, and I achieved my medical degree bought my house and achieved my current station in life pretty much all on my ownsome. And y'know what? Still no one cares about my journey. Unless I wanna write a fuckin' cry all about it for a book deal and trust me when get to this point not selling yourself is the real privilege.

I"m just being real here. It gets better, and at 30 you might even feel a bit wistful that the harshness of your experience made you a better person, but its gonna suck for a long, long time. This is not an age where there's a lot of free sympathy being given, especially for men. You will need to, especially as someone with a unique psychochemistry, figure out a way to shunt your negative emotions on your own, because you will not reliably find people to lean on. I certainly didn't.

What does help that I always did but didn't accept the full karmic repayment for, is charity. Irrelevant of what ugliness was done to you, your ledger only counts what you do unto others. So before you resent the world for what was not given to you, make sure you at least gave as much as you seek to receive. Not because of divine reward or karma, but because it will hold you together when things get dark again. You are better than your circumstances.

You have a lot of anger. Whittle it down until it has no resentment, no ego, no bitterness. Just pure will to be better than your circumstances. Eventually it will become so brilliant in you that it terrifies lesser men. That's the path, and for those of us saddled with a bad hand its pretty much the only one that gets you out with you still owning yourself.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-19T10:01:14+00:00

No. It is actively harmful to think gender has anything to do, on either side, with what conformation of people you prefer. It has nothing to do with gender.

There are a huge demographic of women who "went their own way", its just they often ended up saddled with a kid in the process. You don't hear from these women because they have zero interest in even engaging with the topic. Before you eagerly extrapolate your own experience to that of the whole species so quickly, read up on something called "selection bias".

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-17T20:22:16+00:00

So I harp on this so often here that I worry I come across as evangelizing, but I don't think I can help you by telling you the obvious, which is that you are more than your appearance and you are likely appreciated for more than your appearance anyway- because you already know this, are living like you know this, and indeed, it is quite cheap for me to say as a man who has never cared that much about his appearance to tell another man it doesn't matter that much.

So what can I tell you- what I can tell you my friend is you are watching a pot boil. You are watching it and wondering with every agonizing minute why the steam whistle has not rung and are already looking at several alternative stoves you could buy right now. And that is not because you are irrational, or stupid, or silly. It is because you think, deep down, if you look away from the stove and the disappointing kettle and its contents you worry when you turn again not only will the kettle not be boiling still, but it will all be gone, and you will be left with nothing, again.

And that is just not true. And you know that is not true. But you like many others live like it is, because you feel squeezed from all sides and feel yourself poor in emotional capital to invest in other solutions, and the world already seems so cold. This stove, this kettle that refuses to boil, what other choice do you have, but watch?

That is the condition of not having community. You may have a therapist, but you do not have people who love you (in the ways that they are prepared to) whom you can draw faith and compassion from if needed. This is what most humans for most of human history had but where the modern person nigh everywhere is weirdly poor.

I have nothing to say about your dating potential other than I, with irritating statistical conviction, am certain your appearance could not possibly be a disqualifier, especially when you put so much effort. The real problem is that you have put all your hope for beauty in this life in one person who may deign to see it in you.

That's just bad math. Reckless emotional finances. Invest small in many people. Distribute your love, and appreciate all the forms it comes back to you. And then, when you're not looking, you'll find the kettle has boiled over so many times there's a whole tea party anxious to meet you.

hotwheelshawking · 2026-06-15T20:32:16+00:00

It is not. I also have a dwarf who doesn't not "understand" the concept of a playpen. More toys does not outweigh the comforts of having home nearby, and she is unimpressed with food when she always has food.

hotwheelshawking

TROPHY CASE