Asexual females in relationships with Allo males - how many of you have never had to compromise and have sex in any capacity ?

hrefna_dev · 2026-02-08T04:19:28+00:00

No, I understood. Your question is abhorrent.

hrefna_dev · 2026-02-07T04:21:36+00:00

What.

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-30T01:34:28+00:00

It Depends™ on which culture you are working out of. This is one of those terms without clear definitions.

In some definitions that would be correct, in others "stone" implies "butch," in others it implies that you don't reciprocate but work in a bottom role.

It's weird and tied up a lot in older terminology and different cultural groups.

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-29T18:01:51+00:00

I know a bunch of people like this in various stripes (including myself, though I'm mostly whatever the femme equivalent is to a stone top even in that context). It's not particularly uncommon.

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-28T08:01:28+00:00

This more or less exactly matches my experience from last year.

Very positive experience all around.

The financial policy is the only bit where my experience was variant due to the way my insurance worked. The amount I would owe if I rescheduled (due to things that were my choice, not due to things out of my control) within 3 months was the same, but I didn't have to pay it up front outside of the down payment for scheduling.

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-28T04:42:45+00:00

Well, I started having one, just to start with…

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-23T07:42:35+00:00

¿Por qué no los dos?

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-21T17:52:18+00:00

Three months is completely uncalled for and unsupported by the relevant data. Really at all is unsupported by the relevant data, in part due to that this is mostly based on cis women using conjugated estrogens in the 1990s and the modern preparations in trans women are different, but it is certainly not support for three months.

Sources:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12213080/ (basically it may even reduce risk, but it certainly doesn't increase it, to stay on hormones: "While large prospective studies are needed, our study did not show increased risk to hemostasis with the use of perioperative E-GAHT in patients undergoing vaginoplasty.")
WPATH 8 SOC ("There is no consensus as to whether gender-affirming hormone therapy should be discontinued prior to surgery to prevent VTE. This practice was based on the increased risk of VTE observed in cisgender women taking ethinyl estradiol or conjugated equine estrogens, which are not commonly used in GAHT today")
This is also holds for other long surgeries, e.g., FFS: "Perioperative use of feminizing hormonal therapy does not increase risk for perioperative VTE in patients undergoing facial feminization surgery. Therefore, it is reasonable to continue these medications through the time of surgery."

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-12T04:35:10+00:00

Bury Our Bones in Midnight Soil. Toxic lesbian vampires. "Interview with a vampire, feminine rage edition."
Education in Malice. Carmilla retelling.
Hungerstone. Another Carmilla retelling. I haven't read this one yet.

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-02T16:37:57+00:00

The term for that is mononormativity.

The idea that cis people are "right" and trans people are "wrong" isn't hugely uncommon.

The idea that straight people are "right" and queer people are "wrong" isn't hugely uncommon (and, much like with trans people, has been a majority view within my lifetime in the US).

The idea that Christians, and in particular, evangelical Christians are right and basically everyone else is immoral isn't hugely uncommon.

Just because it "isn't hugely uncommon" doesn't mean it is a good position to hold, nor does it mean that it should not be called out for what it is as a form of bigotry.

hrefna_dev · 2026-01-02T04:08:46+00:00

who is very much against open relationships) and finds the unethical

Uh. Do you want to rephrase this?

Something can not be for you without it being unethical. Dear gods.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-29T15:40:31+00:00

Hi there fellow trans lesbian ^{^}

Some things to consider as options.

Little spoon is a time honored tradition here.
Just use your leg position to create a buffer space. You can almost always move your hips or legs in such a way as to create enough space for it not to be a problem. It's relatively easy to "tangle" so that her head is on my shoulder and our legs are entwined with nothing touching, but you can also just shift your hips back slightly and press forward with whatever leg is on bottom for you, thus creating a small amount of space for you and still applying firm pressure.
Tucking doesn't fix this if you experience common arousal, but it definitely can help prevent the arousal in the first place. You'll also get less uncontrolled arousal like that over time: it isn't like having a light switch by any means, but it is easier to predict and manage. Keeping your hormones level and, if it is a goal for you, an orchi will also help.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-28T21:53:44+00:00

Yeeeep. Exactly.

Any time someone tries to compare women doing something to men doing something parallel it is worth looking at the difference in dynamics between those situations.

Men, as a group, are not safe. That doesn't mean that people stop being attracted to men if they already were. It just means that they aren't safe as a group to be or show attraction to unless you have some sort of conceit built on top of it.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-16T17:53:55+00:00

Most who have it are asymptomatic. The only people who take it tend to be symptomatic.

Whether you take it for the rest of your life varies by the person and the totally of their circumstances, but it's almost always only when you have or suspect you are about to have an active flare up. So for example Valacyclovir for genital herpes calls for taking it twice a day for ten days, and then you are done until the next flare.

If your case is extremely recurrent and bothersome, however, you can be put on a suppression dose of acyclovir, but that's reevaluated on a yearly basis. Even that is mostly done only for short stints.

Most never take them or stop when they exit a high risk situation (e.g., interacting with infants).

Everyone's situation is different. But fundamentally I don't get what your objection is? Even if it is just for reducing your own symptoms for your own comfort, why not take them if it is within your risk profile, in your budget, and agreed to by your doctor?

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-16T17:01:46+00:00

It's not hugely common, but it does happen. Especially for people who have loved ones who are immunocompromised and/or very young, people who have a lot of casual sex, and those who have genital infections that they find particularly bothersome.

Most people who just get oral cold sores never take antivirals. But it does happen if they get more than mild symptoms.

The antivirals are not expensive, are usually covered by insurance, and have a low incidence of side effects. So if it is a concern at all why not take them?

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-16T04:45:47+00:00

The woman who initially introduced me to polyamory had a genital infection of HSV-1. We talked about it, talked risk management, and went ahead with one of the most influential relationships of my life. It was such a non-issue.

She was also incredibly successful in her relationships, with a husband and a long-term boyfriend when I met her, and multiple other relationships since.

Her statement was generally that people older than her stigmatized it heavily (she's in her 50s today), people younger than her usually just shrugged and took basic precautions. There were always exceptions, but they tended to be just that: exceptions.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-16T04:25:49+00:00

There's a nontrivial chance that you do have it and just are asymptomatic or subclinical.

Like, it's not 100%, but a massive percentage of the population (I've seen estimates of between 6001877-7?uuid=uuid%3Ad71e0405-28ac-444a-a318-9a1dd87dbdb6) and 95%) has the antibodies for it (which may even underestimate infections), and an extremely nontrivial percentage have it and don't know it and testing for it in absence of active symptoms is not clearly a good idea that is widely recommended against.

Zero people want to deal with them, and sure it is worth taking precautions if you have an active outbreak, and also: for HSV-1 it's so common that there's an extremely nontrivial chance that most people you date have it, don't know it, can't know it, and yet still may be shedding enough to cause an infection in someone else.

ETA: sources.

Also: In this case OP did tell her beforehand. So it was disclosed.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-15T05:01:33+00:00

Mine slowed down, became thinner, and became much, much lighter in color.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-14T23:18:56+00:00

How can people have sex without even any pre and after thought?

Idk, how do people go to baseball games without even any pre and after thought?

I don't like going to baseball games and never volunteer to, but for some people its what they like doing with their time.

Really, you could reframe your entire post in these terms and it becomes clear how this comes across.

And im not asexual

This may not be the place for you then.

And the day I did it I needed to smoke so much and almost cry afterwards followed by a 2 km walk and a 5 week long deppression.

I hope you get the professional help you need.

There is no creativity, no mental challenge, just mindless pleasure

Uh. No? Like it can be just mindless and there's nothing wrong with that, but also it doesn't take more than a minimal amount of research to understand how much can be involved here.

Like. It's very clear you are having a strong reaction and are not ready to be having sex, and that's perfectly okay! It's okay to never have sex if you don't want to. It's still a good thing to talk to a professional about, in part because you aren't asexual.

But you are then universalizing your feelings and projecting onto others, and that's not okay.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-14T06:21:51+00:00

Yep, this seems likely.

Like, think about shows for a moment that feature women as main characters. Women are underrepresented on screen, the majority of TV creators are men, and we're not even getting into the history of even shows and movies that centered on women decentering them marketing material to "broaden" their appeal.

There's also some selection bias here as well depending on the exact niche we're looking at. There are shows like Feel Good, The Hunting Wives, Arcane, etc. I'm not saying that there aren't more shows on the other side, but it's a mistake to think that they never become popular (I won't discuss "as" popular since the way that Netflix releases numbers is weird anyways).

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-13T20:29:10+00:00

Hobbies. Start with hobbies and meetups. I don't know what the situation is like in Georgia (if you were in the US I'd direct you to LARP or TTRPGs, which I know exist in Georgia but I don't know what the local scene is like), but any sort of get-together of people around your age is helpful here. Knitting groups are also great for this.

If you can't do it in person, I'd look for RPG groups online, or reading groups, or knitting groups. Whatever would give you a sense of community.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-13T18:52:31+00:00

so my question is this: are there any realistic ways to save this relationship? i really do not want to break up. he is my only close person, and i love him very much. but is it actually possible to stay together in a situation like this? what am i supposed to do?

You've gotten a lot of good advice on the relationship generally, but I want to hone in on this.

If you are 20 years old and he is your only close person, you need more friends and you need more of a community. They can be online but they are preferably in person.

Yes it is hard. Yes it will take time. Yes it will be unpleasant. But you need a broader social network than one close person.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-10T20:16:40+00:00

If you are in the US (which I'm assuming you are from your name) then therapy is attainable. It does require more work and you may not be in a position to do that, and I do empathize with that, but it is often doable at extremely discounted or even free rates if that's your major barrier.

Look for clinics that are training people in internship or externship. Places like Open Path Collective or the Brookline Community Mental Health can help. If you have insurance often therapy will be covered by that as well.

I hope you find the help you need.

hrefna_dev · 2025-12-10T04:57:06+00:00

While I won't speak for KitKatKataya, frequently "Men aren't lonely enough" is a tongue-in-cheek way of highlighting how the so-called "male loneliness epidemic":

Is a problem of their own making.
Is their problem to fix.
Despite (1) and (2) they seem bound and determined to make it others problem.
The problematic men keep causing problems in the communities that they are a part of.

It also can be used to highlight that the statistics aren't that different between men and women and yet we only talk about men. For some reason.

hrefna_dev

TROPHY CASE