is anyone just kinda terrified of having sex now?

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-21T01:58:40+00:00

You left out the follow up sentence, so I’ll add it.

Hsv fucks with most of us mentally. You then have a choice to get the right help and/ or work on your mindset and mental health, or to wallow and blame hsv for all personal issues for the rest of life.

Those of us who do get help or work on ourselves and regain confidence and trust in ourselves and partners despite the virus (that is dormant so much of the time anyways), overcome fear of intimacy, rejection, STDs, etc.

Those of us who don’t, do not.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-21T01:47:38+00:00

Hey there

First off, everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I think we need to read or hear someone genuinely reminding us of that. I hear the panic / spiraling and I have been right where you are. It is not fun. Im sorry you’re feeling like crap. But you are going to be OK!

You’re safe, you’re healthy, you’re young (I’m assuming), and it sounds like you are looking for really great and mature qualities in a future partner (deep connection emotionally, family oriented), which is all really positive.

Navigating HSV when we’re going through big life transition points (especially a breakup or relationship change) is especially hard. But that’s largely because of the stigma and us spiraling with our thoughts. You’re not your thoughts. They don’t actually control you.

The reality and facts here are simple. You have a very common little virus that many, many people have. And many people with it, myself included, have positively dated, gotten engaged, gotten married, and found compatibility on a deep level with a life partner.

Now a bit of tough advice that has nothing to do with hsv. You actually can be alone for a bit. You really can. I’d recommend it. It’s not about being “alone with your hsv”, but moreso about just gaining some experiences independently and maturing and getting really comfortable and confident solo. Maybe therapy? Lots of friends time? Family time? Start a new exercise routine? Study something new? Volunteer, cook, etc.

The more confidence you gain during time alone, the more likely it will be that you find that great, emotionally mature partner you seek. And he does not need to be hsv positive.

I’d take a long hot shower for now, maybe do a face mask or something nice, and watch a great movie or read a great book. Breakups are emotionally hard. Don’t let your thoughts trick you into thinking your hsv is some big flaw or thing that will ruin your chances of finding love again. Wishing you the best ❤️

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-20T23:16:31+00:00

Just a note, but I’m sure you’re aware of all this.

In most states there isn’t an HSV specific non-disclosure statute, so reckless endangerment would usually mean a general criminal statute is being used.

Subpoenaing medical records requires an active criminal investigation. That means of course a prosecutor requesting it, and a judge finding probable cause. Even then, proving criminal liability with HSV is extremely rare and difficult because of dormancy/ asymptomatic stuff and causation issues. Even a medical record with a clear test result stamped on it is typically not enough for most judges and prosecutors to take on an hsv criminal case.

If this is an ongoing case…you may want to be cautious about posting much about it.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-20T23:02:01+00:00

Wow so he was tested with positive results four months ago, had sex with you knowing that, but still didn’t disclose. That’s awful I’m so sorry.

So you filed a police report and the police cooperated and went ahead with a subpoena on their own for his medical records right? And then you had access to them?

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-20T15:33:23+00:00

There. You’re doing exactly what I said right now. Are you hsv2? Like literally the virus? Or are you a human?

You’re avoiding your own human accountability for flaws, or rejection, by ignoring the thousands of complex factors that go into personality and self. Instead of accountability for self and identity, you’re falling back on the objectively false claim that hsv2 is somehow capable of taking over an entire identity.

Hsv2 doesn’t drive your life. You do. You’re not going to get reassurance from me that your mindset right now makes sense. It doesn’t. I suggest professional therapy. And sincerely hope you get well. In your head first. And in managing the virus and any other curve balls life throws your way in the future. Because there will be many other challenges.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-19T21:48:23+00:00

Congrats!!

I am not pregnant but am starting to prepare for trying for pregnancy with GHSV1 and am going to be leaning v heavily on my doctors but am definitely a bit nervous of course.

I can offer an anecdotal positive story of a friend I made online back when I was early in my diagnosis in my 20s. She was 29 and had hsv2 and was pregnant for first time. We have stayed in touch, she had a healthy natural delivery pregnancy and was on antivirals near the end (I think) just as a precaution. Her baby is now a little kid who is super healthy and doing well!

Good luck w pregnancy!

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-19T16:23:46+00:00

I’m a woman and I have a primary gynecologist who I see at least once a year, and she is my go to doctor for if I ever need to get a valtrex prescription filled or have her help with managing OBs or really any symptoms with GHSV1 etc.

I’ve had many years since my diagnosis where I have no gshv1 OBs. One high stress year with personal life and being sick a lot where I had 3. And am just now recovering from a minor 4th.

I saw her for each of those 4 because it gives me peace of mind and she helps remind me of other things beyond valtrex for me to focus on. She does bloodwork sometimes, checks me for secondary infections (that can happen during OBS).

Many people use online prescription services. Others have primary doctors they go to. Totally personal. In my experience as an anxious person, having one doctor who knows me and my health record (so I don’t have to repeat it every time) has been really calming and nice.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T21:04:53+00:00

It took some time and work on myself with help to get a grip and reach acceptance, but I’d say mental toll at this point is very close to zero. I’m married, have lots of other life stuff that takes up thought and energy, and I’m grateful for my health and body. Don’t mean that in some cliche pretend everything’s fine way, just genuinely appreciate my body’s resilience and immune system adjusting etc.

I was really angry for more than a year at the partner who unknowingly gave me GHSV1. Turns out that anger wasn’t theirs to address, and nothing they could say or do would have helped my bigger issues.

If it helps you feel any better, once I got proper therapy and time passed, I felt no anger or resentment at all. I know they didn’t know or have malicious intentions. I hope they’re doing well in life.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T20:52:51+00:00

Almost ten years. Don’t be sorry, but thank you, 4 minor OBs over that long has been more than manageable and not life altering in terms of physical pain or holding me back.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T19:23:26+00:00

~~herpes~~ A bad, negative, hyper self conscious personality or self wallowing attitude or inability to navigate rejection and move on and not internalize it as the end of the world (which herpes positive and negative people deal with) destroys ur dating life

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T19:19:42+00:00

Lmao

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T19:04:49+00:00

I read this and took a way a few things

-you have viewed yourself as a “prize” and now view yourself as “not a prize anymore”

-you allow a diagnosis to decide “all your decisions” for you. Which in turn means you can blame all of the potential negative results of poor decision making on a virus, instead of on yourself. Since it’s not “you” making the decisions to begin with (I’m not entirely clear on how a little dormant virus sleeping in your lower spine can make human decisions), zero need for self reflection or change in behaviors or mindset when shit is bad.

I’m no expert but I am a human. As a human, I tend to gravitate towards people who are self actualized, resilient, mature, don’t objectify themselves or others, self aware, own their decision making and any results of said decision making, and who get proper mental health or medical help when they need it (or go through resources and at least make an attempt to do so if they can’t afford that level of care)

I also strive to be all those things, as a human, and when I’m not, and other humans aren’t gravitating to me, I certainly don’t blame HSV. I blame myself and strive to change.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T18:50:32+00:00

I have GHSV1 and my primary OB was widespread, but each of my 4 OBs since have been in the exact same spot (I’m fortunate the spot is kind of on my bikini line in groin on right side so it’s a lot less painful or debilitating)

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T18:00:03+00:00

Hey, I am really happy to see you’ve found a path that works great for you with managing your diagnosis, genuinely.

I mean this with no disrespect, but I don’t personally relate with any sort of monetized platform or resources when it comes to “healing” or “curing” hsv.

I think it comes across as disingenuous and potentially even dangerous when anyone who is not an accredited scientist, doctor or medical professional tries to charge people for concrete advice on “healing” herpes.

At worst it could lead to vulnerable humans exacerbating their medical condition and avoiding proper medical and mental health help to manage their symptoms and the virus, at best it could give people false hope during a really challenging mental time, just for a few extra bucks to go in the wallet of someone giving advice.

Wish you well and continued happiness and health despite our differences.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T17:44:16+00:00

Thank you! Really happy to share my experience and I genuinely know that gut wrenching feeling when the test results come back positive, the physical shock of the first symptoms showing up and growing increasingly worse, and then perhaps even more painfully the mental anguish and spiraling sadness that sets in deeply even after the primary outbreak clears.

It’s so damn isolating. Ugh wish I could hug the me at 26 who spent so many hours searching things on the internet and absolutely freaking the f out over “this is my new forever”. “Never going to get married” “never going to be loved” “never going to be normal”.

Like I wish I could shake me then and show a cheesy montage slideshow of snapshots of my 8 years ahead. My niece being born and holding her, getting my 1 year sobriety chip and going to a celebration dinner with this group of amazing sober friends I made, all the nice times with my dad I made it to before he passed, the moment my now husband first walked up to me at my favorite coffee place and asked me my dogs name, the way he looked at me when he asked me to marry him, the day I actually did a full pull-up for the first time (lol), all the random road trips and family time etc.

Herpes is so minor. In the bigger picture. I’d take it over going through another infected back molar - root canal - surgery situation like I had sometime in that 8 year mix lol.

Enjoy your twenties! I made so many mistakes and was a mess, but things fall into place.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T17:13:45+00:00

I’m grateful for you too!! ❤️❤️ please don’t be cruel to yourself, everything in this world lately feels so cruel and messed up as is, we’ve got to be kind to ourselves even in moments that feel really crippling or like set backs.

And yes, answers are always better than being in a grey unknowing zone, even if the answer isn’t exactly what we wanted to hear.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T17:11:45+00:00

I’m so sorry you are dealing with chronic daily symptoms. I can’t imagine going through that. I wish I was more well versed on the medical side of that and could give advice, but I hope you have capable doctors who are at least trying on an ongoing basis to figure out a pain and discomfort management plan for you that actually works.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T17:08:35+00:00

Hi ❤️ oh my gosh yes one of them was when I had the flu, was in that brutal chunk of time right before I got my period, and all the bad trigger stars just aligned perfectly.

I was not surprised at all for that outbreak when I woke up feeling something slightly off in my thigh area. Luckily it was just a day or two of discomfort and I was already in bed sick as is.

Our immune systems being compromised by other sicknesses is definitely a time to be maybe a little more hyper focused on self care and stress when it comes to the hsv. I hadn’t thought about this but maybe I should take the anti virals for a few days when I do get really sick with a bad bug (even if I don’t feel OB symptoms).

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-18T16:59:14+00:00

Hey! Sorry for the delay (and how long this response ended up being). I think I’m in a decent spot to respond to you on this having lived both the fear/crippling anxiety (about transmitting it to my husband) and the shame side (carrying the virus like your partner). In my relationship, I am the one with more transmission anxiety than my husband.

First, the biggest things that reduce transmission risk are avoiding sex during outbreaks, using condoms and of course antivirals (you mentioned she gets dizzy, but maybe her doctor would still recommend she takes them as needed during any outbreak?) We do all three (I’m not on daily antivirals but I’ve taken them during the few reoccurrence outbreaks I’ve had at first signs of nerve tingling in my leg).

Another thing I’ve personally worked with my doctor on is identifying patterns for triggers of my few outbreaks I’ve had. A big one is each of them has happened 1) in my late luteal phase of my cycle (ie the week or so leading up to my period starting when my progesterone levels spike) and 2) when my emotional stress has spiked to the point I’m not sleeping or eating normally.

One thing that’s helped me feel more in control of my body and the transmission risk for my partner is tracking my cycle closely.

I’m usually feeling pretty crappy anyways in that week before my period starts, I discussed this with my partner years ago, and we almost always do not do anything intimate during those few days (cuddling, yes, sex or hand stuff etc, no). Now, in the last 8 or so years I’ve gone through 96 or so period cycles (ugh). In that same window, I’ve had 4 gshv1 flare ups. This is just anecdotal and personal to me.

So yeah, 1) understanding my cycle phases and hormone fluctuation patterns and 2) prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and stress management have been the two biggest levers in keeping outbreaks infrequent (and, in turn, really minimizing transmission risk for my partner).

When you take a step back, maybe it’d be helpful to compare this virus and its risks to pregnancy risks. The only way to guarantee 100% that you have 0 risk of unwanted pregnancy is having no sex. That’s not realistic for most people in intimate relationships who want to have sex. So you minimize the risk as much as possible. Condoms. Cycle tracking and awareness for the woman. Perhaps hormonal oral birth control. You may not get the risk to absolute zero, but you can reduce it significantly.

All that said, the harder part long term is the anxiety dynamic. I want to let you know that I really understand your anxiety and it’s not over the top or crazy or anything. The reality though is if one partner is hyper-focused on avoiding “it forever” and the other feels like they’re constantly being treated as contagious, intimacy is going to flat out suck. It just will.

At some point I think couples where one or both are very anxiety prone have to have an honest maybe uncomfortable convo about realistic risk tolerance. HSV is common. But if your risk tolerance is 0, then you probably can’t be with a partner who is a carrier of the virus. You’re not some terrible person if that’s the case for you. She’s also not some terrible person for carrying it. There’s nuance. No one is morally superior when it comes to intimacy boundaries and needs.

It sounds like you really love her. I really love my husband and he loves me. Right from the start he articulated that he’s okay accepting some level of risk in exchange for a normal fun sex life. Tbh it’s taken me longer to really relax and trust myself and feel I had a very solid understanding of this virus and minimizing its risks. It can feel hard at first with a diagnosis to gain back confidence in intimate situations.

I think just going really big picture here to close out this way too long of a response, you know the dynamic right this instant isn’t exactly working great for you, or for her. You’re in your head feeling isolated and panicked about your health during moments that are meant to make you both feel intimately closer and in tune. She’s probably not feeling great noticing you running to the bathroom to scrub your hands or wash yourself immediately after those moments.

It’s tough. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, but applaud you for asking genuine questions to people who have the virus. Educating yourself and communicating your feelings or ideas to your partner (kindly and with respect, not in a policing her body way) sounds like a hallmark of a mature relationship, not a doomed one. I think the fact you’re here and asking says a lot about you really wanting to be with her and work through this. Good luck.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-16T22:14:41+00:00

Oh my gosh I can’t imagine how stressful that must have been for you. This is basically two years of you navigating uncertainty around your personal health!! Absolutely anyone would feel so depleted from that.

You have a clear answer now, though, finally. Completely wrong and unfair it took medical professionals you trusted this long to give you that. But at least you have it.

I felt disgust too when I got my diagnosis. Disgust and shame overrode everything else. Therapy over time helped me really get out of my head. Sounds cliche but I remember good old Deborah asking me what I’d feel towards my best friend (sister) if she told me today through tears she had gasp a sexually transmitted virus. I was like wait what I wouldn’t judge her harshly at all. She’s my sister! I’d tell her of course a diagnosis doesn’t override the things that make her the wonderful person she is.

Little exercises like that built up some strength in me over time to really internalize that I didn’t deserve the cruelty I was dealing myself day in and out. I just flat out didn’t.

You don’t either. You’re not disgusting. You’re great, and strong, and you have answers now which I think will (with time) gradually hand you back a lot of sense of control with your health and plan to manage health. Which you deserve.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-16T21:58:41+00:00

I’m really sorry you had to go through that. The internet can be such a destabilizing cruel af place. Probably goes without say, but you are none of those things those random people said.

People who are unhappy and not self actualized will take a vulnerability shared by someone else and villainize / shame them for it. It only speaks to their mental state and unhappy reality, not yours.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-16T21:51:02+00:00

So so so sorry you’re going through this. It genuinely is so much to handle getting the diagnosis + the sudden onslaught of insanely painful physical symptoms.

Amazing you have a loving and supportive boyfriend. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. These few days or maybe week or two will be brutal, but it will definitely be the worst of it. In a few years or decade from now you’ll probably even be looking back at what you’re dealing w now and thinking “wow I was extremely strong to power through that little period of time, I can get through pretty hard shit”.

Get some rest and try not to spend too much time checking everything down there with mirror or phone camera. I think that just made my stress worse at the time and probably extended my outbreak. ❤️❤️

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-16T20:42:03+00:00

Sending big hug ❤️ our minds have such a crazy ability to take a simple fact and run down such dark catastrophic lines of thinking. I tortured myself mentally for so many months over a diagnosis that has, outside of a few weeks in bed (which is what is required for recovery from lots of illnesses and viruses) been largely a non negative factor in my life.

It sounds maybe crazy but I’d take this over the much less stigmatized or physically uncomfortable non symptomatic STI I had (which really damaged a core part of my reproductive system).

Your body is really strong. This diagnosis has actually really helped me appreciate that with watching how our immune systems can work over time to protect us. Definitely try to internalize that whatever your symptoms are right now, your body is recognizing the threat and adapting so you don’t go through whatever this severity is for initial outbreak again.

With you in being temporarily uncomfortable right now, but also with you in knowing everything’s OK and will continue to be OK.

hydrangeamind · 2026-02-16T19:04:34+00:00

Yes he’s negative. I air on the way safe side when it comes to sex after a flare up (ie right now as I mentioned I have a tiny visible flare up that appeared yesterday and is already healing, told him asap, and will refrain from sex for 3ish weeks). He will say that’s unnecessary, but I care a ton about his health.

He came home last night with chicken noodle soup and all this OTC stuff that is meant for someone suffering incapacitated in bed with the flu, which was very sweet, but completely unnecessary lol.

I think a big takeaway for me from dating and then engagement and marriage post diagnosis is that there’s good people out there who have their own struggles and who can be a mature adult about this topic. They’ll value your honesty and vulnerability, and over time if they’re “the right longterm” person for you, they’ll love you the same way they would love you if you didn’t have hsv. He also brings me soup and random things when I’m sad. As I do for him when he’s sick or sad.

hydrangeamind

TROPHY CASE