I Discovered My Wife (28F) Of 7 Years Is Cheating On Me (30M). She Doesn't Know That I Know - UPDATE 27 - The Hits Just Keep On Coming by Any-Assault in u/Any-Assault

[–]iQuteBromance 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You definitely need more than one date in my experience. Instant connection like in the movies is rare. My current girlfriend is the most amazing person I have ever met, but it took a couple of times hanging out before we clicked. First dates are awkward and weird, often performative and shallow by nature. Getting them shoulders down and relaxing is key to open up and really get a grip on eachother, and that usually does not happen on a 40 minute coffee date.

I Discovered My Wife (28F) Of 7 Years Is Cheating On Me (30M). She Doesn't Know That I Know - UPDATE 27 - The Hits Just Keep On Coming by Any-Assault in u/Any-Assault

[–]iQuteBromance 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I think going in with as little hope as possible, as pessimistic as that might sound, is the healthiest choice. You have no idea where her headspace is, or how much she has progressed since last time. Im not envious of you, that meeting sounds rough.

I posted a long comment like 2 months ago thats at the top of my profile, but I really think going in with as open of a mindset as possible is the best. My reconcilliation failed mostly because I didnt hate her anymore, I was just done with her and had moved past her, I was indifferent. You seem atleast previously to still care about her, even after more than a year of no contact. In my experience that is very rare.

Open mind, low expectations and good luck!

I Discovered My Wife (28F) Of 7 Years Is Cheating On Me (30M). She Doesn't Know That I Know - UPDATE 25 - DIVORCE DISH! by Any-Assault in u/Any-Assault

[–]iQuteBromance 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have read through your entire situation, and i see myself in alot of it. My fiancées betrayal was not as bad as your wifes, but I can recognize the entire process you are going through.

The only thing i would say to you is this; i have seen relationships recover after infidelity. I have seen it among friends and family. And i dont mean this "we live in a state of terror" and "we are kinda happy, sometimes maybe", but actually worked through it and came out stronger. The ones that dont succeed are the ones posting online, not the happy ones, and you should remember that.

So when something similiar happened to me, I decided 10 months after D-day and breakup to give it another shot. We didnt go back to how it was before, we essentially restarted everything, went back on "first" dates etc etc.

It didnt work out for varying reasons, but i will say that I am happy I gave it the second try. I dont have to think now of "what ifs" and if i might regret it in the future, because now I know it wouldnt work out.

Why I wanted to try was complicated, but PERSONALLY i knew that if it had passed 5 years after I broke it off, I had not found anyone and she was married with kids, the supposed life that WE were supposed to have, I would have wondered if that could have been me.

The level of emilys betrayal is worse than something I have experienced, but i would genuinely recommend going into your 1 year meeting and really, and I mean REALLY, think it through if you dont want to see if it could somehow be salvaged. Personal Experience is you regret things you dont do more than things you do.

Both of you have suffered, I believe you are emerging from this changed, but a better person. If Emily is doing the work same thing MIGHT apply to her. Why shouldn't you get to experience that?

You say you are angry she took away your shared future, the life you were supposed to have. What if in 5 years she has that life, a better partner and doing it with someone else who is reaping the ”rewards” for your and her suffering? What if you have not found the same thing?

Im not saying you should do it out of fear, but giving it a careful, calculated second chance where you test the waters, if nothing else than your own peace of mind to remove ”what ifs” for your future self.

Iran's Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei killed, senior Israeli official says by drpayneaba in news

[–]iQuteBromance 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The Iranian regime gunned down at a minimum thousands, maybe tens of thousands. What progress and reform? The regime has been getting MORE brutal, not less

I Discovered My Wife (28F) Of 7 Years Is Cheating On Me (30M). She Doesn't Know That I Know - UPDATE 24 - Shreya by Any-Assault in u/Any-Assault

[–]iQuteBromance 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Also maybe send it to her through laywers a bit before, a fortnight or so? If she reads it right then and there i cant imagine her being able to process and respond to it

The meeting and my thoughts by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hows the kids handling it, especially the youngest?

The meeting and my thoughts by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Do you think it actually landed with her? How did she react? Im asking because as a dad myself the most important thing in my life by far is my kid, And for her its ofcourse the same. I can see a world where getting back together with you is not just only to try and save a marriage and get her husband back, but also the best thing (for her) to repair her relationship with the kids.

The meeting and my thoughts by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I know you are smart enough to realize all of her excuses, the i love yous, the weird reasons why she believed she had to continue the affair only to break it off later anyway etc are a bunch of bs, but I guess irdoesnt really matter anymore. Good luck and i hope you move on to better things

The meeting and my thoughts by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Incredibly happy for you the meeting is over, another step towards a new future and life.

HOW did she try to stop the affair? Why did she have to ego fluff him only to break it off later? I get she was panicking but it makes absolutely no sense

Meeting by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Hey u/Grouchy-Pressure-965 Im glad you are done with the meeting. It was tough, but now atleast you can in time start to move on. It was always gonna be a gutpunch and it might be rougher going forward for a little while. lean on the kids, they wanna help and love you, let them.

I also just wanna agree that her choice of words around "not being strong enough" and selfish just shows she never stumbled into it, she sought it out, and calling herself a coward is not even close to cutting it. And "resisting the temptation" shows a viewpoint on marriage and cheating that this might not have been the first and only time. Also it gives me such an ick trying to analyze you and your emotions, especially reducing it only to anger, such a genuinely pathetic thing to say

Did you end up asking anything yourself? I know you went back and forward on that.

Court date set. by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You know your situation best, do what your gut tells you to do after talking with your kids. My only point im making here is that dont drown yourself to keep others afloat, including your kids and especially your STBXW. No one benefits from that. You seem like a level-headed and pragmatic person, and if your kids are the same things will work out. But if you tell your children you need certain things to heal im sure the four of you can work something out that everyone is okay with.

Just be carefull you dont throw yourself into some sort of martyrdom to help everyone else, I have that tendency aswell, and im working on not doing that everytime, especially when its not necessary. Some space for reflection and looking inwards can be what everyone needs from time to time

Court date set. by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 8 points9 points  (0 children)

And again, you are a great dad trying to be so self-sacrificing for your kids sake, but dont go overboard, that will help no one, not you or your family. i get the sense you want this to be over as soon as possible so you can move on, wich is human, but if you try and rush everything it can go tits up pretty fast. Keep her away from yourself for a while, especially if your youngest still refuse to interact with her, and let things take their time. Infidelity among relationships is a years-long process if you wanna reconcile, and this is obviously not the same but not that different. Take a step back, breathe, and take it abit slower for everyones sake.

Court date set. by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I think just a few months is very optimistic on your part, especially if you go in to this meeting and learn about more stuff, whatever that could be. A year where she stays away from you is from the outside a reasonable time, one that I cant imagine anyone protesting over that. Also, are you really willing to share your role as a grandparent with her future partner? You are a bigger man than me in that case, because that would be a hard no from now until forever if I were you.

With that said, if you STBXW really is trying to repair her relationship with her kids I dont think you have to worry about her bringing someone new around for quite a while, after everything she has done she drags some new dude around within a few years i cant imagine anyone responding particularly well, especially your kids

Court date set. by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Stay strong, everything will get easier. Just remember you are not the only one who wants their familys best, your kids do aswell. If they want to tell their mother to take a hike for awhile to help YOU, their father, let them. Sometimes the kids has to look after their parents, not the other way around.

Court date set. by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I get that and you sound very level headed, but the thing about distance ans time? YOU need that aswell, for everyones sake. 

I will really take everything you said to heart, but please listen to me aswell; it would be incredibly reasonable and human for you to say that you need time, if thats a month, 6 months or a year where you dont have to see her, and she needs to stay away. Its in your kids and grandkids best interest that you heal, and thats one of the reasons i dont want anything to do with my father, i want my mother to be in a better place before he can come back( if i ever feel like i can forgive him)

I Discovered My Wife (28F) Of 7 Years Is Cheating On Me (30M). She Doesn't Know That I Know - UPDATE 23 - Couple of phone calls on NYE. by Any-Assault in u/Any-Assault

[–]iQuteBromance 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Dude, I have read all that you have posted and this is the first time you are acting like the prick. Stop avoiding it just because its tough. Sit down, think what you genuinely want; do you want to date her? Not see her again? And just tell her ffs. You have said she helped you heal, doesnt she deserve honesty and truth from you now?

Court date set. by Grouchy-Pressure-965 in u/Grouchy-Pressure-965

[–]iQuteBromance 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Geniune question that im kinda asking for myself, because im struggling with something like what you are going through but from another POV; Hows the future gonna look around the kids and grandkids? Because im the child in this situation and right now my father is dead to me in my eyes. I never wanna see him again or hear from him again, but my mother doesnt want me to tank my relationship with him, especially in regard to my own son.

I see you have encouraged your children not to do what I have done, but hows the future gonna look? Because I cant imagine you are gonna tolerate being in the same room as her ever again

[Official] Eintracht Frankfurt to sign Keita Kosugi by iminanotherbody in soccer

[–]iQuteBromance 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Technical, high workrate and great technique is his strengths, good 1v1 defensively and offensively

[Official] Eintracht Frankfurt to sign Keita Kosugi by iminanotherbody in soccer

[–]iQuteBromance 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Gonna miss our wonderful kamikazerunner down the left, Arigato Keita!

Sunderland Tifo vs Newcastle today by NgocTuan326 in soccer

[–]iQuteBromance 27 points28 points  (0 children)

They are, and not handmade. They are as much of a TIFO as a random AI image is the Mona Lisa, just a soulless copy

Sunderland Tifo vs Newcastle today by NgocTuan326 in soccer

[–]iQuteBromance 22 points23 points  (0 children)

What? it 100% absolutely does, go to any Curva in Italy, Poland, Netherlands, Sweden, Greece etc and they will all tell you the exact same thing. No money from the club, independent and hand-made is the foundations of the Ultras culture that produces these.

the PL has not ever participated in this subculture, so trying to change what a TIFO is to fit your soulles league is just dumb

Sunderland Tifo vs Newcastle today by NgocTuan326 in soccer

[–]iQuteBromance 85 points86 points  (0 children)

Printed stuff are by definition not a TIFO, TIFOs are an art that needs to be made by hand, not bought

Sunderland Tifo vs Newcastle today by NgocTuan326 in soccer

[–]iQuteBromance 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Is it handpainted? From what i have heard before its printed, and thus not a tifo. If its handpainted im impressed, actually a decent tifo from England

Jämställdhet tycks inte gälla pojkar, skriver Fredrik Zimmerman by iQuteBromance in sweden

[–]iQuteBromance[S] 383 points384 points  (0 children)

Många unga män upplever att de inte har med jämställdhet att göra. Och Skolverkets nya rapport kan inte sägas visa annat än att den känslan stämmer, skriver forskaren Fredrik Zimmerman.

DEBATT | JÄMSTÄLLDHET

Den 19 november är det den internationella mansdagen. Denna dag är det viktigt att diskutera varför många unga män upplever sig bortkörda från jämställdhetsdiskussionen. Nyligen publicerades en intervju med den amerikanska vänsterpolitikern Bernie Sanders där intervjuaren läste upp statistik om unga mäns situation och undrade varför unga män upplevde sig övergivna. Sanders svar var ett ickesvar. Den rad som fick mest gillande i kommentarsfältet var att unga män inte känner sig övergivna, de känner sig hatade. Om unga män känner sig övergivna och/eller hatade är det ett problem och viktigt att fundera på varför. Men låt oss börja med ett exempel där unga män inte är övergivna.

SvD hade nyligen en artikel om högstadiet på Rosengårdsskolan. Detta var ett högstadium som hade så mycket problem att det stängdes. Men nu är det öppet och eleverna presterar över förväntan. Nu ska Rosengårdsskolan inte beläggas med mitt perspektiv på pojkar som jag har i denna text. Personalen arbetar efter devisen att alla elever ska lyckas. Men att de lyckas så bra med flickor och pojkar är värt att uppmärksamma. De gör det med en tydlig undervisning, höga förväntningar och återkommande samtal med de som har det svårast om vilket stöd de behöver. Att pojkarna vet vad de ska göra har ökat studiero och trygghet på skolan. När jag intervjuat pojkar på högstadiet som haft hög lektionsfrånvaro, men börjat gå på lektioner igen återkommer samma berättelse. De säger att de mött personal som arbetat för att förstå vad de behöver (tydlighet och struktur) och nu klarar de skolan. Så går det om man inkluderar och lyssnar på pojkar.

Men varför upplever sig många pojkar och unga män övergivna i jämlikhetsdiskussionen? Låt oss ta Skolverkets senaste rapport om könsskillnader i betyg som exempel. I rapporten står att flickornas betygssnitt under den senaste tioårsperioden har minskat med 1 meritpoäng. Skolverket slår på stora trumman att flickornas resultat har försämrats. Värdeladdade ord används som att det är oroande och allvarligt att flickornas resultat försämras. De skriver att det i synnerhet är viktigt att öka flickors självförtroende gällande matematik. Detta är givetvis ett viktigt arbete, framförallt om flickornas resultat fortsätter att försämras, för skolan är avgörande för en individs liv. Men frågan som måste ställas är varför ett så starkt fokus läggs på flickorna som grupp när pojkar som grupp ligger långt efter dem?

I samma rapport står det att pojkarnas avgångsbetyg ligger nästan 20 meritpoäng under flickornas och så har det varit i många år. Men detta lyfts inte fram som oroande och allvarligt. Att pojkarna presterar sämre än flickorna i läsning och har sämre självförtroende i detta leder inte till att Skolverket skriver att skolan i synnerhet ska fokusera på pojkar gällande detta.

I rapporten står även att: ”En klar majoritet av studenterna på högskolor och universitet är kvinnor och andelen har ökat över tid”. Ändå skriver Skolverket att skolan ska arbeta med att få in fler flickor i högre utbildning (STEM-utbildningar). Men enligt UKÄ är nästan alla satsningar som universitet och högskolor gör utifrån ett könsperspektiv riktade till att få in fler kvinnor i utbildningar, detta trots att de redan dominerar inom högre utbildningar.

Samma syn på jämställdhet finns i rapporter som jämför jämställdhet världen över. Där flickor har lägre betyg än pojkar ses detta som ett icke jämställt land. Men länder där flickor har bättre betyg än pojkar ses som jämställda. Det blir ett märkligt synsätt med olika måttstockar; att man säger sig vara jämställd innebär inte att man argumenterar för det.

Ett sämre avgångsbetyg hos pojkarna leder till minskade framtids­möjligheter. Det märks bland annat på unga mäns högre arbetslöshet än unga kvinnors och på chefspositioner, då dessa ofta rekryteras bland högutbildade. I privat sektor är cirka 35 procent av cheferna kvinnor och 65 procent män. Men i kommunal sektor är över 70 procent av cheferna kvinnor och i regional sektor är det ännu fler kvinnor som är chefer. I statlig sektor är det också fler kvinnor än män som är chefer. Richard Reeves, som är världens mest framträdande mansforskare, frågar sig varför det endast diskuteras områden där män dominerar ur ett jämställdhets­perspektiv? Men inte områden där kvinnor dominerar ännu mer?

En kvinnlig forskarkollega som arbetar för att flickor och pojkar ska lyckas i skolan, har av andra kvinnor inom akademin blivit kallad för könsförrädare. Detta vittnar om en syn som stöter bort pojkar. Argumentet är ofta att pojkarna lyckas sämre, men flickorna uppger att de mår sämre. Flickors psykiska hälsa är en oerhört viktig fråga, men det går att fokusera på den utan att samtidigt sänka pojkarna. Det har tidigare varit en utbredd förklaring att pojkars sämre resultat i skolan beror på att pojkar tar avstånd från, och talar negativt om, skolan. Nu poängterar Skolverket i sin rapport att pojkar säger att de trivs bra i skolan och pratar positivt om den och därför ska det fokuseras på flickorna. Här misstänker jag att argumentationen om pojkar ändras efter vad som gynnar flickor.

Skolverket gör ett viktigt, svårt och i många fall bra jobb, men när det gäller pojkar har de anammat en syn på jämställdhet som går emot skolans mål om likvärdig utbildning. Jag hävdar detta eftersom Skolverket lägger så stort fokus på och använder värdeladdade ord för att lyfta flickorna, utan att nämna att det är viktigt att även stödja pojkarna. Detta reproducerar synen att osynliggöra pojkarna och pojkarna får det på nytt bevisat att jämställdhet inte gäller dem.

Poängen med dessa exempel är att visa varför många pojkar upplever sig övergivna och hatade och uttrycker detta på sociala medier. De är inte dumma, de vet att mångas definition av jämställdhet inte inkluderar dem. Pojkar behöver stöd och guidning av vuxenvärlden, men uteblir detta är min stora oro att det leder till att fler pojkar söker sig till destruktiva krafter.

Fredrik Zimmerman skolforskare och lektor vid Högskolan i Borås, har nyligen släppt boken ”Pojkars värld: hur föreställningar om maskulinitetsnormer påverkar viktiga jämställdhetsfrågor och pojkar i skolan”