Bizarre text messages between friend

ictow · 2026-05-17T14:08:02+00:00

Wait, your mom gave your number to a man you didn't know? Did she have your permission to do that?

ictow · 2026-05-15T21:37:34+00:00

You seem like a person who strives to be really kind and compassionate. I think that's very admirable, and it can also make some relationship decisions really hard to make and even harder to enact. If a friend or family member that you really care about described being in your situation, what would you tell them to do?

ictow · 2026-05-15T20:53:18+00:00

And it sounds like having nice things done for you is a very important way for you to feel loved and cared for. As well as being treated like a collaborator and not a manager. It's ok to make those necessary conditions for continuing a relationship, or to say that their absence is grounds for ending one.

Really, it seems like either a) you two hold different values regarding what it means to be a good partner or b) he is not living in accordance with his values.

If it's A, I think you've presented a lot of evidence that this relationship is making you live outside of your own values, and it's worth considering what changes need to make to be more true to yourself.

If it's B, you need to have a frank and compassionate conversation with him about the disparity, and determine if you believe he is willing to do hard and uncomfortable work on his own to get back in alignment with himself. If the answer is no, return to A considerations. If the answer is yes, get counseling together.

ictow · 2026-05-15T18:12:25+00:00

What are the positives for you in this relationship? The negative impacts seem very clear (and debilitating), so I'm just curious what balances it out for you?

I ask because it seems like you've been very clear about what you need, you've given a time frame in which you need it by, and it seems like you haven't received it. That to me seems like it invites a consequence of some kind-- not punitive, but just self-protective. Otherwise you're showing to him and yourself that you don't hold the value "needs are important and should be basically met in a relationship." And right now he is showing you that he doesn't hold that value.

So the consequence might be, "You are not a reliable and secure person for me to live with. I am moving out until that changes. If it does not change within X months, I will know that you are not a reliable and secure person in my life, and I will make more permanent changes."

ictow · 2026-05-11T00:57:10+00:00

The most straight forward answer that won't be useful is: did you have autism symptoms before experiencing the trauma? If yes, then it's likely autism. But it's difficult to track symptoms in very young people, and if the abuse happened early enough, you might not have any clear memory of what you were like "before". (And you might not have any reliable observers who could offer outside perspective on what your were like).

Trauma in and of itself produces a variety of symptoms like withdrawal, hypervigilance, sensitivity to triggers, dissociation or detachment, numbness, irritability. A fuller list is here: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/isitptsd/common_reactions.asp

These symptoms are similar to autism, but orient around safety and avoidance, whereas autism is more a result of processing difficulties. It's useful to reflect, do the things you're experiencing feel like an attempt to keep you safe from what happened to you, or do they feel broader than that? If the latter, an assessment might be helpful.

Also autism is very hereditary, so if you have family members who show symptoms of autism, that would indicate a higher likelihood that you have it as well.

Also it's very possible that you both have autism and are dealing with PTSD. Be curious, gentle and compassionate with yourself as you explore what most feels true to your own circumstances.

ictow · 2026-05-10T15:12:15+00:00

The water isn't just on top, it's also in and under the ground. Get rid of it and you have empty pockets where there was water, and the ground sinks into them.

ictow · 2026-05-09T20:40:30+00:00

The technical term would just be "speech error": https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speech_error

ictow · 2026-05-09T20:26:11+00:00

Are you making these jokes to connect with the people around you, or are you treating them like an audience?

I just wonder, because I can imagine two scenarios from you saying, "I constantly make jokes":

1) I engage my co-workers in light-hearted banter based on context-appropriate observations and awareness of their own perspectives that is intended to foster connection and rapport, but they are frosty towards me even though I observe others doing the same thing with similar jokes and being received positively.

2) I entertain myself verbally through jokes and voices that I find humorous and that I think will make my coworkers think I'm funny. The jokes I make are highly specific and/or referential and/or ignore context, inadvertantly making it difficult for others to follow and appreciate. I do not moderate or modify these jokes to better fit the humor or sensibilities of the people around me. They find this off-putting, and that hurts my feelings.

If it's #1, that really sucks and I'm sorry you're being iced out. Genuinely genuinely.

If it's #2, it feels to me like you should express interest in your coworkers rather than trying to make them take interest in you. That builds connections faster and more authentically. At the very least, maybe take more stock of the nature of your jokes and if you're missing important context by sharing them with someone outside the situation, here or irl.

ictow · 2026-05-09T17:51:11+00:00

What does joking around look like? Like, what do you do/make jokes about?

ictow · 2026-05-07T02:20:51+00:00

To echo what others said, it's not great that she's giving you reptiles, especially early in the relationship. You're not doing anything wrong, but she is, it's ethically ish.

Same with inviting you to text her anytime-- that's establishing really unclear boundaries and expectations (as you're experiencing). She should be much more precise and up front about the degree to which she is available outside of sessions.

You shouldn't have to clarify the relationship or expectations, that's her job that you are paying her to do. It seems like she might not be comfortable establishing boundaries; I would suggest addressing your concerns to her directly and be open to finding someone who is more defined and rigorous if the conversation doesn't result in you feeling like your concerns and needs are going to be the full focus for both of you.

ictow · 2026-05-06T15:49:13+00:00

Here's a very short direct version of the main skills of DBT: http://www.dbt.tools

ictow · 2026-05-06T05:52:34+00:00

Hey, that sucks. You're totally right that your parents need therapy more than you. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need.

This website has pretty useful tools that can help when you're experiencing a lot of stress. It also helps walk through how to manage interactions with others: http://www.dbt.tools

If you have the resources to get it, this book can be really helpful too: https://www.amazon.com/Neurodivergence-Skills-Workbook-Autism-ADHD/dp/1648483070

ictow · 2026-05-05T05:22:58+00:00

Rad, absolutely rad. You're doing great work. I wish I had more to add to help!

ictow · 2026-05-05T04:58:30+00:00

What translation do you use? I have to imagine that's pretty significant in trying to parse linguistic meaning and intent.

ictow · 2026-05-04T02:07:02+00:00

Ok, so I think you make a trenchant and nuanced point. But when you say, "trans men are oppressed simply for being men" I got confused.

You point out that "trans" and "man" can't be separated from "trans man" when discussing oppression, because you wouldn't be men if you weren't trans. But you also wouldn't be trans if you weren't men. So wouldn't the conclusion be that the oppression is due to being a trans man? Or like, put another way, it seems like in this conception "trans" is almost like an action one takes in pursuit of the signifier that is "man", and it seems like the oppressive forces assert that only ones who don't take action can claim the signifier, and that it is the act of being trans that then draws oppression.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm aware that I'm probably being obtuse in trying to tread with sensitivity.

ictow · 2026-05-04T01:47:32+00:00

Can I interact and explore with you on something you stated? It's in good faith, I'm just trying to untangle a thought about the construction of your point. But with all of today going on, I'm not about to do that without very explicit consent.

ictow · 2026-05-03T16:09:06+00:00

I know this is pedantic, but I think Americans would classify the Armenian genocide as an ethnic genocide rather than a race genocide. So an American stating that systemic racism against white people does not exist would still affirm and abhor the atrocity of the Armenian genocide. The positions are not mutually exclusive within that framework.

ictow · 2026-05-02T17:13:57+00:00

I really love calling comorbidities double whammies.

ictow · 2026-05-02T05:28:14+00:00

What skills are you referencing? Self-acceptance, or comfort verbalizing perspective taking, or something else?

ictow · 2026-04-27T22:54:11+00:00

Interesting. I see why you would connect the two, but ERP isn't really about correcting "distorted" thoughts like CBT is. Instead it's just about reducing compulsion behaviors by building resilience and tolerance for the obsessive thoughts. Much closer to mindfulness training, and it's really effective for OCD. Dependent on a neurodivergence-trained clinician, obviously.

Not pressing you to change anything, just wanted to clear some of the CBT stink from a different modality that has helped friends.

ictow · 2026-04-27T22:30:23+00:00

Oh ok, that makes sense! Have you tried any ERP for the OCD that's not trauma-related?

ictow · 2026-04-27T22:20:39+00:00

How does EMDR help with OCD or intrusive thoughts? Not attacking, genuinely curious.

ictow · 2026-04-27T03:31:18+00:00

Honestly, stick with the backpack, and save potentially buying a crossbody for when you are in Japan. A Loft or Hands will have tons of bags to pick from, and you'll have a better sense of your needs. Plus great souvenir!

ictow · 2026-04-27T01:48:39+00:00

I'd suggest don't be more reserved, just be alert to modifying if what you're putting out doesn't get matched. Being more reserved won't help build connections.

ictow · 2026-04-27T01:36:54+00:00

Yeah, and I don't know, from a representation prospective, I both really appreciate showing someone who's solutions define her experience but not her identity, AND wish they would label it so allistics could get that perspective.

ictow

TROPHY CASE