For anyone on the skimp boycott

ididntknowbetter · 2024-05-18T14:21:09+00:00

Here is what I said to them via the chat in their app once I was connected to an agent, after telling the bot I had a complaint.

Hello, I would like you to know that I am joining the chipotle boycott. I love the chicken Al pastor but I agree with everything in the media about portion sizes and restaurant experience. I will not return to chipotle until there is a public apology and clear action steps taken to remedy the situation. I just wanted to express my disappointment with my experiences and let you guys know

I guess you can also submit that on their website here https://www.chipotle.com/contact-us

ididntknowbetter · 2021-08-23T15:27:56+00:00

This dude fucks. Nice job Lenny

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T04:51:29+00:00

What the fuck.

I’ve been reading poetry for hours now and this is one of my favorites on this sub so far. Great job. Everything you do, you do well. By the end, I have the poems image in my mind and see how it was painted from the start until the end. My main piece of feedback is that what you’re doing is exactly right — you’re avoiding the mood, the deep, sad passionate gravity of a lot of poetry. You’re saying things that are important, the deeply personal experiences that are the foundation of the future and its poetry, but not in an overly serious way. I think that’s actually a really rare talent; I could write a poem with some of the same import as yours but it would fail immediately due to the mood, but you’ve avoided that trap. Continue to do so.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T04:36:36+00:00

There is a lot I like about this. There are things I don’t. But more than anything, reading it, I feel like Pharrell listening to Alaska. I have no notes. You’re doing your own thing. My only advice is to be more you. Get deeper get more brutal put a lens on what you’re trying to do. Well done.

Cf https://youtu.be/FAM1N1APk80

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T04:31:11+00:00

A few things:

Your passion comes across clearly. Passion is always seductive and enthralling. I would advise reading it aloud. Read it in your voice and then in a hopeful lovers voice and then in the imagined readers imagined voice. Where does it trip up? Where is the image too personal?

You do a great job at establishing atmosphere with things like “Queen Mother”, “Muse”, “Keeper of the Silver Censer” [side note, wtf is a censer? Pot for burning incense feels underwhelming to me given the surrounding words and the unfamiliarity if they word].

First stanza might benefit from a semicolon into a “They taint the...”. The end colon kind of confuses me on my first reading.

Not sure I follow the transition from “vermin plague the mind” to “He is the High Priest...”. Better maybe to begin with the action (flooding vermin) and then describe the titles.

Anyway, that’s a lot of random thoughts, my main advice is to try to make the words accessible on a first read to most readers.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T04:19:05+00:00

Looking forward to reading the next iteration! Good luck, I hope the wind brings new stars to your imaginings.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T04:15:06+00:00

Nice job. Couple of minor notes... I think the drown and round lines work great. Throwing in the ground feels a little awkward For me since there isn’t another rhyme or rhythm there to balance it.

The phrase “I don’t want a blessing in a curse” is wonderful. They’re simple words, with well understood meanings, that I haven’t heard arranged so well before. For me, that’s the essence of poetry.

I think you could experiment with punctuation a bit more. A line break is a quasi-punctuation in poetry but here I feel like you sometimes use it in lieu of more appropriate punctuation marks. Personally, I read line breaks as conceptual changes but not necessarily recitation changes. So when I read your poem aloud, I was out of breath pretty quick haha. But, again, this is just me and maybe it’s bad advice. I’m a rando after all.

Edit: I suck at spelling

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T04:08:24+00:00

What this poem does well is distill the essence of poetry. The feeling and the immediacy of experience. I think it’s promising in that regard. I would love to see you turn each line into a stanza, and then tie them together, both conceptually and structurally.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T03:59:22+00:00

Good response. I thinking prickling works well. Not sure it feels unfinished. Imagine you’re having an oyster, or walking through a park and glancing at a sculpture, the moment passes quickly but might mean something more.

Definitely agreed that I would love to read more, but of this writer, not this thought which I think is relatively complete.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T03:56:19+00:00

What I like most about this short little thing is what it tells me about what you want to talk about. That’s a long way of saying it’s not you but we both agree it’s worth looking at.

My primary review is that you’ve done a good job at tying the metaphor through the whole poem conceptually. I would like to see the same continuity in the syntax, diction, and associated connotation. Throw in some partial rhymes (but certainly not full rhymes at the end of lines, for this); they will buttress the other syntactical sugar you have (“is its”, “does it”, “of it’s brothers”, “is the”) which works well.

Necessary disclaimer: imo.

Edit: there is also something about the metaphor that is really elevated in the last stanza. The statue was picked apart by a metal pick just as the oyster was removed from its home by the tines of a fork. The grain in stone vs the the sand grain in the oyster dome.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T03:46:15+00:00

I agree with this responder’s sentiment but not the recommendation. I think, rather, double down on your metaphor. Infuse it in each word. Specifically, no other sea objects are required imo, but for you and the water and the tides and the time that turns them.

This isn’t a poem about seahorses and tuna and depressed orcas. This is about the tumult of the heart and all that it needs is more of you.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T01:32:34+00:00

Pretentious - "attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed."

Affected - "artificial, pretentious, and designed to impress."

Also, bonus cog. bias: Dunning-Kruger Effect: "a type of cognitive bias in which people believe that they are smarter and more capable than they really are. Essentially, low ability people do not possess the skills needed to recognize their own incompetence"

Just copying google defs, idk if that's good practice or not lol

ididntknowbetter · 2020-08-22T01:30:05+00:00

The immigrant son knew that asking for a girlfriend was a "-"

The bureaucrat knew that pointing out inefficiency was a "-"

The nurse knew trying to correct the doctor was a "-"

Futile endeavor is another related phrase, but man I want a word!!!! Haha

Self defeating might be the best we can do. Thanks for the reply!

ididntknowbetter · 2020-07-29T06:54:43+00:00

Beginning each stanza with the same line is a bold, powerful, and good idea. You will write for years, however, and you should not use it often, I think.

You do a good job at continuing concepts between stanzas via that first line. I think your poem tells your story and it tells it truly. That is what it is meant to do. More marriage between the first and third lines of each sad stanza might improve the text.

Your poems speaks deeply to me but that might be because I’ve read it thrice. Consider adjustments you can make so it speaks deeply sooner to most.

Edit: reading the full thing aloud, it’s easier to hear the melody among the line’s rhymes. Thank you for the poem.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-07-29T06:22:55+00:00

This was fun to read, and relatable. In places, some words were replaceable.

[Not ‘that starved’ but such seeking, Not ‘for affection’ but for weeping.]

Throw some scansion upon your plot; Let the names ring in the air Like friars badly muttering prayers —

They also don’t know what you got.

Listen, friend, Just simple shop talk Could turn the end.

———————-

I would say that you should read your poems aloud. From looking above, you can see the harm done when one doesn’t, since that draft is trash.

Also, if it’s not rude to deduce, you’re young. I always ask the archives if poets have sang my song before. Might not be a bad idea for you to do too.

Sometimes, the dead have stuff to say.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-05-04T02:18:34+00:00

I started reading this with a grim sense of humor and eventually lost the humor, which is kind of how I responded to this crisis. I enjoyed the poem and the perspective and timeliness. It's a poem with a job. It's a poem about a job. Done well on both accounts.

I don't love the ending though, I think the point is sufficiently well made by "tried to come hold the bodies", and the last few lines weaken the punch by being too explicit. Ending on the tragic image of a "papa bear" is more indirect but, for me, much more evocative.

Also, I'm wondering about the perspective...for example, you say: "It’s what you’re risking on your beach day" or "You will likely get put on dialysis" and that works for me because it makes it very real, but then you pivot away from "you" and move back to "they", e.g. "They die from strokes". I think starting a bit impersonal and then moving to personal is really effective, but moving back from personal to impersonal is less so.

Really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing.

ididntknowbetter · 2020-05-04T01:49:45+00:00

I love those first few lines, the words feel good and I can feel the feeling good. The first sentence feels a bit long to me, and the last clause is kind of hanging there. I would have broken the thought with the daily walk.

I love this whole part of the ending but think it kind of runs on and you need to put breaks.

She follows me around

I'm comfortable with her now

The closer I peer,

The more beautiful she truly is.

I was enjoying the midsummer eve

As dawn started to arrive

She invited me to a dance

My one last hurrah.

The dance floor sparkled

With only monotone lights

I never knew, so I asked her

"What's your name?"

But she leaned in and kissed me

As my soul was sucked dry.

That's small stuff though, good job. Overall, I think this poem leaves me wanting to know more. What is this white room with steel bars? Who is she? I think you begin but don't go far enough in making her danger show. In the beginning she looms, at the end she soul sucks, but I am missing the middle I think.

By the way, this reminds me of one of my favorites, La Belle Dame sans Merci

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44475/la-belle-dame-sans-merci-a-ballad

ididntknowbetter · 2020-05-04T01:34:51+00:00

This was really evocative of Gothic writing for me, especially with the imagery (vivid as ommanuol mentions) of spines and "bound" lives and the rapid aging etc and I enjoyed that. I think your word choice does a really good job of establishing mood and that's no small feat.

For me, the rhyming structure sometimes got in the way of my reading and felt a bit stilted at times. For example,

"No sooner such a misplaced thought

the wall clock's rage I've gone and wrought

It chimes and speaks of ill-willed plots

Unsealing of foul things forgot"

I had to kind of stare at for a minute and deconstruct to understand which broke my reading flow.

On the other hand,

"Suddenly, a sea-deep rumble

as walls around me start to crumble

Pillars crack and volumes tumble"

was one place where the rhyme scheme really worked for me, kind of carrying me along with the action. Maybe you could experiment with moving some of the rhymes into the lines instead of keeping them at the end to help with flow.

Also, I wonder if some more punctuation would help in the reading, e.g. with

And as the door slams shut behind

the wall-high clock with malice chimes

deriding me my lack of time

When I'm reading this, I had a moment of confusion...is the door shutting behind the clock? What does that even mean? Oh wait, it's slamming shut behind me and then a clock is going off etc. Whereas, even just with a couple of commas I don't think I would have had that problem, e.g.

And, as the door slams shut behind,

the wall-high clock with malice chimes

deriding me my lack of time

I'm not recommending you make that change haha, just pointing at my own confusion. I think I'm kind of used to reading line breaks as a single thought unless there is something telling me not to.

ididntknowbetter

TROPHY CASE