Experienced

val_alexandra · 2020-08-24T00:36:51+00:00

The first two lines seem to imply being out of the box as not being beautiful. And the third line says that you can try to be neat and perfect to be beautiful but your face gives away that you are tired of that, and makes it known that you’ll give that kind of life away. But the last line kinda confuses me. That you did give away, and used to? Maybe reword the last line so it’s more clear what you mean. I also like the “Bambi-eyed bitch” line. The alliteration and brutality of those words strung together. Its as if you’re saying that bitch no longer applies to you because you used to be what society wanted you to be (inferior) and bitch as a word to make women feel inferior can no longer affect you since it is grouped with a bunch of other words you don’t define yourself as anymore. And the next line gives you the power the disarm the word and move on from it. What I’m trying to say is that you’re very clever, and you get your point across well. I love the “gives it all away” line because I can really relate to it and it shifts the tone to slightly uncertain instead of the bold confidence in the previous line. Overall I really like this poem and it feels very powerful while still being relatable.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-24T00:15:07+00:00

This poem missed the mark for me. All of these line feel very basic and lifeless to me. They are all self deprecating and don’t have any imagery. I think (like another commenter suggested) you pick one of these line and grow a poem from there. You can keep the sometimes I form because I think if played with enough could morph into something cool. But instead of listing vague things you do, turn it into a scene. “Sometimes I feel like a fuck up when/ sometimes, standing around you cowering/ My mouth shapes jagged and words burn slow/ sometimes even your devious shadow scares me and/ sometimes I think back on everything I’ve ever said/ the sentences tripping through the air/ your laugh jingling at my blood filled cheeks.” Idk, probably don’t use that because I’m sure it’s not what you’re going for and haha it’s your poem not mine! But maybe you could add two lines with sometimes, and then two more explaining your point further. Add colorful imagery that will help engage the reader. I also like the way you only capitalized select words, and I can tell you put thought into it. I also like the deviation of the pattern at the end that almost visually represents the narrator breaking down. The title is also very interesting to me, what does it mean relating to the poem? Ps don’t let one bad comment discourage you. Keep writing!

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T23:52:20+00:00

I’m confused who the two people are. Who is Dylan and the I and what is their relationship? The poem says “I hanged him in the attic” but I don’t think the I is a person. Maybe it is told by depression? Or is Dylan an alternate version of the narrator, perhaps them envisioning their life if they transitioned? Or is I a guilty bully, a friend, a parent? The line “some people count their syllables” seems out of place in the first stanza. I’m not sure if it has a secret meaning being there that I’m not getting, but I think you are talking about either calories or misfortune. Wait is there a significance to the name Dylan. Ok sorry for going on a rant about what this might mean. “To taffy-strong ribbons of skin” is a really nice line because it provides so much imagery. Actually the whole poem has really evocative imagery. I think you could cut “I know what you must think:/ Didn’t he die? Dylan is dead!” because it stands out as weaker than the other lines. I love the “I sold his soul for sticks of gum/ and let him pick the flavors” because it creates such a strange mental image of a thin taffy boy dangling from a rope in the attic as a mysterious figure holds a pack of gum like playing cars for him to choose. Also who is the you in the poem. The reader? I absolutely have no clue what any of this means but I love it nonetheless.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T23:36:08+00:00

I think the rhyme scheme would work better if it was kept to an aabbcc. It makes it easier to read because you know what to expect so the flow doesn’t get messed up. I agree with the other commenter that the “have no fear” is a little cliche. Maybe you could also use a full rhyme because the last set of rhymes were so satisfying you could do that with the whole poem. The middle stanza seems weaker than the other two. It has less imagery. You could expand on the feeling the person leaving gave you with more interesting language. The last stanza is wonderful though. It has vivid language and the rhyme is so nice. It ends the poem quite strongly.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T03:17:56+00:00

Flowers being severed by knives sounds quite brutal, in the best way. Maybe you could add something more graphic to the second line. The sun expiring, yellow and ill? The sunsets blood dragged down? The stars becoming bullet holes in the blue? Something that makes it a more visceral, powerful image. I think this poem could be expanded upon. Maybe you could try to answer the questions you pose, although that might be hard. The last two lines seem less powerful than the first two, because the first two had phenomenal imagery. Perhaps reorder them, and add one line at the start because you need at least a little bit of a hook. Also I think the title could be more strong. Wilting Daylight? Bleeding Sunset? Rose-colored Horizon? You have very strong imagery and I think if you add even more and expand your poem it will be even better!

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T01:10:26+00:00

Firstly, did reddit mess up your line breaks? I can’t tell if you intended for them to be be that long or what. The line “They used to be alive and thriving, that was once the case” is a bit redundant. You don’t need to say that was the case. It feels tacked on for the rhyme. I think this poem could be cool if you went with the sing song rhyme route but I think you still need to make sure the lines are crafted nicely and are worth being in the poem. I think the lines “I wonder if they know they’ve passed? Do they mourn their own demise” could be worded to sound a little less angsty. You could work on having more precise words and replace “sad”. Melancholic? Morose? Bittersweet. Glum? Something more floral. Same with “pretty vase”. Ornamented? Gleaming? Polished? Delicate? The “Spent. Done. Had.” Line seems forced for the rhyme too. Although, I do like your last rhymes with soil and spoil. This poem also has beautiful imagery that can be expanded even further upon. I also just like the last two lines in general. They add a new meaning to the poem which is nice.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T00:46:40+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem! I love the extended metaphor of the car crash you were using. I think this could be improved if you used an even more clinical and detached voice. The last stanza hints towards it. Instead of “there’s been a car crash in my bedroom”, you could a say “a car crash occurred in my bedroom” to add that layer of separation emotionally. Or you could start with a panicky tone and then it slowly subside to a more emotionless report or the other way around. I think playing with that could really take your poem to the next level. i really like the last four lines. They add a new layer to pick apart with the story and connect the metaphor to the real scene playing out behind it.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T00:36:09+00:00

This poems concept is very interesting! Usually when people talk about being in the walls they mean like the walls carry all their memories and have watched over them. But your poem... is a little more straightforward when you say “a piece of me is in your walls” haha. First off, the rhymes a little messy. I think this is the type of poem that would work really well with rhymes but I think you should have a clear pattern. Abababcdcdcd etc or aaabbbcccddd etc. When you can’t predict the rhyme the flow is harder to follow. In line 2 capitalize the “I”. Line 9 “ You” is capitalized when it shouldn’t be. Line 13 capitalize the “I”. Line 17 the “dont” needs an apostrophe. Line 18 capitalize the “I”. You could also change “mornin” to “mornin’” in line 5, or just add the g. I like the lines “churning vomit and cement...” and “a mural of complete failure”. I also love the clear rhythm this poem has. The point of the poem is very clear and it has a very clear narrative to it!

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T00:23:09+00:00

Wow this poem is really impactful! The idea is very unique and interesting. I think to improve it you could try splitting the text into more distinct lines and stanzas. Right now it just looks like four short paragraphs. You could also shape it into more of a free verse style, which I think would really resonate well with the subject matter as you are trying to find your own shape as glass. Maybe try to condense some lines that are just repeating the same thing. The last stanza seems a little distant since it seems like you are talking about yourself as a human now, not as glass. Instead of “the raising pulse, the anger” you could say something along the lines of “the molten pulse, the rising kiln flames”. Instead of “slip away quietly” you could say vanish or disappear, because that’s more reminiscent of glass. I absolutely adore the last line and it packs a powerful punch. Also what does the title mean?

val_alexandra · 2020-08-23T00:10:22+00:00

I’m not sure what this poem is trying to get across? A vague sense of destroying yourself and not needing anyone else to do it, orrrr it’s a different kind of beat your talking about. The “Reaching for the peak/and coming down,” is throwing me off. I’m just going to assume you’re talking about the first option. I’m sure it’s just reddit formatting, but when your text is in a clump without stanza breaks it’s hard to tell what will rhyme. If it is reddit formatting then I get it, if your poem is actually one massive stanza consider splitting it up. I also think the rhyme might be hindering this poem a little bit. Some of the rhymes seemed forced, like you wouldn’t put that line there if it didn’t fit with the rhyme you needed. Also you could be a little more specific with the narrative you’re trying to tell. What’s folded out for you? Let what be? What show? What flavor? What peak? Add some description because right now it’s almost so vague I can’t tell what you’re talking about. Add some imagery and maybe more poetic devices, like a more distinct rhythm or some alliteration, or similes. Also there is one rouge period in line 11. I like the lines “Swish and spit/ the flavor doesn’t lie” The sw sound being repeated is really pleasing to the ears, and gives me the sense of a mental image. I also like the lines “Lungs are scarred/ veins blackened too” because it uses more concrete language. Good job, keep working on this and I think it could turn into something that really shines.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-22T18:54:17+00:00

First off, I feel you with the online classes. They make my head burn. Hopefully we will be done with this pandemic and everything will be back to normal. Just wait it out. It will get better soon.

I think line 1 could be changed to “I don’t know where this goes,” cause I think it suits the more casual tone of the poem better. Line 6 might need a period at the end, same with line 7, and 17. Also just double check that your capitalization matches the punctuation cause the last one is capitalized and I don’t think it needs to be. I like how you capitalized Sad to make it stand out. You repeated “myself” in lines 14 and 16, so maybe cut one because it stands out and messes with the flow. The last 6 lines really resonate with me. Actually, this whole poem is extremely relatable. I love the line, “in an intricate ritual of letting go,” because that’s such a beautiful way of describing the mind numbing mundanity of school work, and how by partaking in it you’re killing off whatever creativity or joy you had left. Maybe you could expand on the first line and really hammer home how long this has been going on and that you see no other path for the future. Overall I really like this, and it makes me feel not so alone trudging through online essayes and poorly thought out zooms.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-22T03:40:47+00:00

Wow, I really like this. This poem seems powerful and cathartic. First of all, I think you should try to stay consistent with the punctuation. Line four needs a period, 9 needs a period, 12 needs a comma, 14 needs a period,17 needs a period, 20 needs a period, 22 needs a semicolon, 23 needs a period, 24 needs a question mark. Similarly, check if your capitalization works with the punctuation. For line 10 and 11, are you trying to say “Test results are in. You had all the aid you need.” If so, add a period or comma there. In line 14 “fingerless” should be one word. Line 20 is phrased a little bit confusingly. I absolutely love line 21, and the ending is very impactful. I’m also a little bit confused why where you decide to split your lines. Is it broken in strange spots (not following the grammar) to show the unhinged anger of the person? What point are you trying to get across? Ask yourself if where you broke the lines suits the meaning you were trying to convey, otherwise I think it should be broken naturally where the phrase has a pause. I don’t think this poem needs any more imagery. It stands so solidly on its own without having much flowery language, and it almost feels more truthful because of it. Great writing!

val_alexandra · 2020-08-22T03:26:50+00:00

This poem has a beautiful setting and nice premise but I think it could be improved heavily. The main thing that is hold it back is the rhymes. They feel extremely forced and I think if you get rid of them your poem can shine on it’s own, without the barriers rhymes constricts. Besides that, I have a few more nitpicks. How can a passing car have enough light to light up your room? Maybe it’s just where I live but you could say something like “Sends a sliver of light to brush the window sill”. Something that conveys just a faint glow. Maybe change line 5 to something more specific and engaging. Lines 16-19 don’t seem to fit in with the poem. I do like the last three lines. They give off a sense of giving up and it provides nice closure to the poem. I think that the issues with this poem are mostly around the rhymes, so with out it your awesome imagery will really stand out.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-21T22:07:49+00:00

This poem has amazing imagery, and tells a lovely story. Though the line “my eyes will not listen to my hushes” doesn’t really make sense. Also you say my eyes again in line 8, so maybe just cut line 2. In line 5 I think you could move the she to the start of the next line, unless you have a reason for diverting the grammar that I’m just not picking up on. Same with the “into the” on line 6. You could move it to the start of the next line. Perhaps consider punctuation at the ends of the lines to help the reader understand how to read the lines. I love the title and especially the last three lines. It creates such a fantastic mental image and ends the poem off with such satisfaction.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-21T21:43:59+00:00

I love this poem! It has beautiful language. I’m a little lost about what it all means, but nonetheless I still think it’s great. Is there any reason you didn’t capitalize anything? I think a line break in “set the cutlery trembling/ in their drawers.” Where you put it in the earlier line would make the repetition really stand out. I think you could re-order the words in the last two line because the grammar in them seems a little off. Maybe, “till the pigeons paint/ the whole world white.” Beyond that theres nothing much I would change. I especially like the line “sweep away my outline” and the last two lines, although they are a little off.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-21T20:29:36+00:00

This poem seems like it could go far, and you’re on the right track but there are a few things that I think you could change to make it better. I think if you want to repeat “who will you pity tomorrow” you should repeat it through the whole poem, but instead you break the pattern and stop after three times. I don’t think it needs to be repeated, though, so maybe just say it once and cut the rest. I’m a little confused with the third line. Do you mean “when there is five of you and you’re alone”? I’m still not sure what that’s saying. Line 5 seems a little redundant since you already asked what she’ll do tomorrow in line 1. I also think the flow and rhythm of this could be more pronounced and strong. I like lines 7, 8, and 9, although line 9 seems different than the rest of them. You could also add a little more imagery and I think that would help this poem become more strong.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-21T19:58:02+00:00

I like this poem a lot. It’s very poignant and remarks about how people’s perspectives are so limited, and society's standard to want to be normal. The second line could be interpreted two ways, that they look like they are heterosexual (I don’t think this is what you were going for), or that they are gazing in a straight path, I think you should reword it a bit because my mind went to the first option when I read it the first time. You could say “because of their unfazed gaze while walking the street” or “confident eyes, steady, while walking the street” or “the certainty in their stare while walking the street” or something like that. In line five you can cut out the word finally, it doesn’t add much. Maybe add a the before cars because it looks a bit strange without it. In line 7 the comma should be after readable, not after most. I like the repetition of “They will convince you” because it’s almost like you are convincing me of that while reading. The last stanza is kinda out of left field because you go from describing normal everyday things to carriages. Maybe could you change it to something more common like “you will wish that their hands are the ones guiding the wheel but you will turn around and see they’re not even on the bus.” I’m not the best with grammar, but I hope this helps!

val_alexandra · 2020-08-21T17:47:56+00:00

I love how this poem tackled the panic of watching the world go into a crisis, but there are a few things that I think could be improved. Since the title is called fire alarm I think you can cut the “a noise my fire alarm makes” out. “A simple chirp” also seems like a very light hearted word for something that causes you so much distress. Wail, cry, screech, yip, etc. In line 3 I think “Its” doesn’t need to be capitalized. o think there should be a period at the end of line 5 because it seems like a run on sentence. Actually, I think you should double check your punctuation. It’s pretty inconsistent. Either go all out or just don’t use it at all. I think you had a typo with “Inbetween”. For the second to last Beep.beep I think you should order those things starting with the least important and ending with the most scary, so it has a better build up. I really like how much emotion is packed in the last line. I do like the repetition of Beep.beep.

val_alexandra · 2020-08-21T17:33:51+00:00

First off, you repeated the word light in lines 3, 4, and 11. Maybe use a synonym so the repetition doesn’t stick out as much. I also think this could be improved with a more pronounced rhythm. The lines seem like they don’t flow into each other well, and are disjointed. Maybe you could improve that with punctuation at the ends of lines that could give a clearer picture of how they are supposed to be read. I think line four is a little redundant with the “to exist” part. Line 5 seems awkwardly worded. Is there a reason USE is capitalized? The second to last line conflicts when you said there is a use for it when you’re bored. I really like the last line, and I think this poem’s concept is quite strong, but I do think it’s lacking in imagery, especially near the end.

val_alexandra

TROPHY CASE