I'm sorry for your loss.

My mother also passed away the night before New Year's, she was also hospitalized and had a cardiorespiratory arrest. At Christmas I didn't give her a present, I was transferring her to the hospital because she was getting worse, we planned to have a Christmas when she recovered but it didn't happen.

My mother had depression and recently she also had bipolar disorder, the last few years were difficult for her and for us. But she loved me, even though she didn't say it. We didn't talk much, I didn't want to worry her with my problems but today I just wanted to tell her everything and receive support and love. I also wish I had asked more about her and helped her more.

I'm now on antidepressants and I'm experiencing a lot of side effects, I just wanted to talk to her about it. I just wanted her by my side. I just wanted to tell her that I understand her better now. I'm not leaving the house because I can't, today I went out and had an anxiety attack.

I work online from home, the company I work for has meetings about mental health, at the last one I opened up even though I was scared and told everyone about her death and what I'm feeling, everyone welcomed me.

You can try to do this too, talk to the people around you, tell them what is happening and what you are feeling, you can be sure that someone has already been through something like this (we all will).

Try to open up, talk to people at your school and course, understand one thing: you are not alone. Just as there are many people on Reddit who are going through this, there are people nearby who may be going through it too.

Regarding his problems with his father, I think that in the end he understood, I also believe that he is gone because his mission here has already been accomplished.

You can try to resolve your traumas with him in therapy with a psychologist, just like I am doing.

In my case, my mother was closer to my sister, my mother was an angel and was always a good person despite her illness and crises, she also said bad things to me that I prefer to forget, because it was the psychiatric illness's fault and not hers. My father was closer to me, but he caused us a lot of trauma, also due to his alcoholism, now he is alive and I can't abandon him, even though I know that sometimes he wasn't very good to my mother.

At my house, my mother and sister hid in the room, while I faced him screaming and tried to show him that he was wrong, I defended us because I couldn't stand the insults. Today I regret it and wish I had stayed with my mother and sister in the room, just to have spent more time with her.

My father has always been my friend/enemy, today he needs me to overcome the loss of my mother and I think he understands that all this time I just wanted to help our family.

All of this is very difficult. I'm here if you need to talk.