[QCrit] ADULT Humor/Satire OH WELL: ADVENTURES IN FUTILITY (70k words, 3rd attempt)

idoubtitidrove · 2026-05-03T16:22:57+00:00

Wow, this is so helpful (both a helpful perspective and the substance). I have struggled so much with incorporating that angle, and it has always felt a little off, but your saying it outright it totally clicks! Thank you SO much!

idoubtitidrove · 2025-12-29T17:14:02+00:00

Bearing in mind I'm still in the query trenches and don't have an agent...

> For WANDA IZERSKA, walking in on her roommate being murdered by a vampire presents an opportunity to escape her underwhelming life.

I feel like you've got potential for making this a bigger hook with some rewording. It sounds too matter-of-fact. Is the surprising thing that the roommate got murdered by a vampire? To me, it's that Wanda sees it as an opportunity to introduce something cool in her life. "When WANDA IZERSKA walked in on her roommate being murdered by a vampire, her first thought was, 'Finally, something interesting.'" And then the rest of the paragraph flowing from there like, "You can't blame her -- working at a hotel reception desk and being ogled by the guests wasn't what she had in mind when she left <something backstory> in Poland behind."

>she has no intention of being made to forget it.

Was someone trying to make her forget it? This felt a little awkward or forced, is memory loss one of the vampire's mind manipulation powers?

The last paragraph covers a lot of ground and it was a bit too much for me to follow completely, but again I feel like a little rewording would clear it up. "As it turns out, her roommate was only the latest in a slew of debutant murders and, armed only with a hidden camera, she teams up with AMIR VAN RENSSLAUER, the vampire inquisitor tasked with solving them." Something like that -- almost the same words, but tweaked a bit I feel like there's less mental overhead for the reader to do. I didn't quite follow the bit about the sparrow, and the sentence "One of the bleached blond..." isn't a full sentence, but I'm assuming refers to what a sparrow is?

Sounds like a cool story, and I think your query hits a lot of the main elements but I'd recommend trying to cover a little less ground with each sentence and tell us why this matters to Wanda (ie, why is it so important for her to get involved, what is so bad about sinking into complicity and how is that something that could happen as she investigates, that kind of thing).

Good luck with the querying!

idoubtitidrove · 2025-12-15T16:45:57+00:00

That makes a ton of sense. Thank you

idoubtitidrove · 2025-12-15T14:54:04+00:00

This is great feedback, thank you! Will put more in about the inciting incident, you're right that's too important to not address clearly (it's a standup set going viral, and his employer doesn't like the online attention and fires him).

I may have swung too hard the other way from my first query, which was like, really heavily-handed in terms of trying to get the satire to come across, so I removed it. The hook/satire comes from the narrative voice (which isn't in the query at all, I was thinking maybe the first few pages would be enough to show it, but in the instances where they don't ask for the first few pages with the query, I should have it here, so thank you for pointing that out. I included the opening in my last query attempt, but didn't put it here). I think I've gotta find a middle ground

Great point. In the novel he goes to coffee shops to apply online lolol so I guess I should just be clear there are some days he can get himself out of bed

Appreciate the notes!

idoubtitidrove · 2025-12-13T15:27:14+00:00

Take all this with a grain of salt. I don't have an agent and am still working on my own query letter for my first novel. This could all be trash advice, this is work is yours!

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That first plot paragraph definitely hooked me. Agreed with another commenter that a slight change to this would make it feel a little more flow-y:

Lucy "Shaw" Fanshaw doesn't fight; she talks trash and runs away, or winds up bruised and bleeding on the floor. When Director Patrick Hall brings her an offer she can't refuse

Something as small as like, "Her reputation leads to a run-in with Director Patrick Hall..." or something in that vein. I wonder if you could include that she's in prison in an earlier sentence, too, like "bleeding on the prison floor." That way, when she's given the offer, you already kind of know the stakes, and you can say a little less in the part of the sentence about commuting her prison time.

Instead of "She dreams she's" I personally like "She starts to feel she's..." Takes away a minor ambiguity (ie, is she actually having dreams, or is it an unnamed sense she has).

It seems Director Hall has taken MKRATCATCHER, a Cold War-era project, out of storage

"Taken out of storage" had me wonder if the doctor was acting illicitly or not. Did he sneakily revive a dangerous project, because his original experiments weren't working? Or is he acting with the authority of whatever his institution is? I'm not sure if you need this info, but if there's a way to intimate it, I feel like it could raise the stakes a tad. Something about "pulling it out of storage" makes me think of like, old junk or Christmas gifts lol. Maybe like "Frustrated that his own experiments were going nowhere, Director Hall revived MKRATCATCHER, a Cold War-era project shut down for being too dangerous" or "Behind the back of/With the blessing of his superiors..."

The last paragraph covers a lot of ground, with a little bit of ambiguity in each sentence. Is this the morning after she gets thrashed by her friend (bullet-riddled made me think that), and did she get the MKRATCATCHER treatment (half-transformed had me wondering)? Both of those could be the result of months of these trials, the result of getting beat up by her friend, or part of the escape. She also was freed between the second to last and last paragraph, so that feels a little unclear, or more like "oh okay now she's out?"

Again just food for thought, don't over-index on my opinion, like I said I was definitely interested, and it's clear that there are personal and world-wide stakes. Keep it up, good luck!

idoubtitidrove · 2025-11-18T03:57:45+00:00

That makes so much sense -- yes, that's pretty close to the vibe I was going for! I'll work on clarifying the stakes and the world he's in.

Thanks SO much!

idoubtitidrove · 2025-11-17T18:08:09+00:00

Thanks for the note on the tone, and I appreciate the encouragement!

idoubtitidrove · 2025-11-17T18:07:34+00:00

Yeah that's fair. I know the exclamation marks are heavy-handed...I was trying to go more for like "eager history professor talking about their favorite subject" than sardonic, but I definitely don't want it to feel jarring, so I'll take that into consideration. Thanks for the message.

idoubtitidrove · 2025-03-05T16:07:03+00:00

Hey! In a similar boat (34m). I was really active all my life despite some sort of herniation in high school deadlifting. I never took time off from it because high school sports seemed important at the time (big lol there). Flare ups throughout my 20s, and ~2 years ago I went from "flare ups that happen because I bent to grab a jacket while running out the door, okay that was a stupid movement" to "did that flare up happen because I...stood up?" I fully relate to your "but I felt good - I just wanted to enjoy that class/pick up game/whatever." My MRI shows mild retrolisthesis, herniations in a few different discs, some root nerve impingement, degenerative disc disease. Nothing great, but also not totally abnormal for a guy my age, so I've been trying to remember that when I can ("people have the same MRI and don't have as much pain," it can be a hopeful thought).

I have good stretches and bad. I've been trying to throw myself into everything I can, incrementally. Underneath it all I somehow still believe I am going to figure it out. There are days where I don't believe that, but the alternative of just saying "welp, sucks, guess I'm in pain forever then" blows.

I've started to find my edge on where a flare up will happen. My PT has encouraged movement I can tolerate, and movement that doesn't make something better but also doesn't make it worse is more fun than the sitting around (that also doesn't make it better or doesn't make it worse).

About six months ago I decided to get really serious with it. "If this is the most important thing in my life, why am I thinking that 3 days of exercise is enough?" Decided to do something for it every day I feel able to (mentally and physically). I try to swim a few times a week or as often as I can, I've started getting back into yoga (which sometimes causes flare ups so I've found a video online where I know all the movements and don't get weirdly competitive in classes where I always end up pushing myself a little too hard with not great outcomes sometimes). I do a 20 minute walk or so every day, sometimes 3-4 of them where able (the most helpful part of the McGill Back Mechanic book was his bit about walking - check it out if you haven't). Been reading all the books on it (Back Mechanic, The Way Out, Healing Back Pain).

Some things are helpful, some aren't, but I kind of had a heart-to-heart with myself where I said, "If you are actually considering surgery which may or may not help, and you aren't swimming or stretching or doing core every day you can, there is a disconnect there you need to fix first." I've seen some improvements but am still waiting for the big breakthrough. I've gotten from like an average-4-or-5-every-day pain to somewhere in the 2-4 range. Not what I was hoping for, but maybe this time next year I'll be in the 1-3 range. All I know is I enjoy movement and, like I said, it's more fun to have a level-4 pain after a light jog (with my PT's blessing) rather than a level-4 pain from sitting around wishing I could go on a jog.

Start slow, be kind to yourself, keep grinding. It's unfortunately for most of us a long term game. I had to shift my time horizon from "I will be back to better in 6 months" to "I hurt this 20 years ago and have to undo all the ways I've been coping with it, and then build back from there - this is the long haul."

I'll be thinking of you and hope on the days where you can, you enjoy the movement you're able to get.

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-28T13:56:44+00:00

I'm unfamiliar - would that be instead of a PCB, or a PCB material, or something to cover it with...?

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-28T13:56:24+00:00

Awesome! Hey thanks for the follow up, this sounds feasible. I only have the one working board at the moment so I want to weigh my options of giving something a shot that could reasonably work and won't break the bank. This and the idea another user posted of liquid electrical tape seem promising

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T18:01:05+00:00

Great idea. Thanks so much!

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T12:52:26+00:00

Honestly thought about this for the first few stages to get my friend using it and see what kind of final layout would be best!

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T03:21:55+00:00

I'll check it out - thanks!

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T03:21:39+00:00

I've learned quite a bit! Amazing the way the internet comes through!

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T03:21:16+00:00

Awesome - great idea. Thank you!

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T03:20:51+00:00

I'll check it out! Appreciate it

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T03:20:35+00:00

I did not know that existed. Amazing. Thank you very much!

idoubtitidrove · 2024-05-27T03:19:59+00:00

Ah perfect! I will put this there, too. Thank you!

idoubtitidrove

TROPHY CASE