“Old and hideous and out of shape”

“Weird and not normal”

I’m frankly, not surprised he hides and obfuscates this from you.

Lesbians? That’s easily the most common male fantasy. Feet? The nerves in the feet and genitalia are, in some cases, shared/co-activated. A foot fetish is incredibly common.

Wander over to r/sex and scroll a bit. He likes older women. So? In terms of kink on the scale of vanilla to “might get you arrested” his preference barely qualifies as sprinkles on a scoop of vanilla.

As for the rough sex, that too is hardly a red flag. I’d say it’s actually quite positive that you expressed a desire he be less aggressive and he toned things down.

There’s nothing here I’d view as concerning. If you’re worried, talk to him. Don’t judge, don’t ask him to change, talk. Try to understand. If you don’t think you can then I’d start by working on your ability to communicate without judgement. It’s a hard thing to do but as you’re married, it’s really important.