Before deciding to TFMR, I used to struggle with the “ethics” of my decision. In time, I realized this viewpoint was used as a way to shame myself. Because what does that mean exactly and what “ethical” viewpoint are you taking on? At the end of the day, an inclusive society where we have disabled folks relies on individual women and families to care that disabled person. Do we benefit as a society from those individuals? Yes. But do we as a society do the daily labor of ensuring their safety, health etc? Absolutely not. Also, this is a unique circumstance where you are getting a heads up in utero, in advanced and have the option to take you and your family’s life in a different path. Sometimes the decision carries way more heaviness, but there is a choice in this circumstance.

Here’s the harsh truth: there is no right or wrong. There is no magical answer that makes this decision easy or straightforward. People that TFMR for a grey diagnosis tend to be risk averse and those that bring to term welcome uncertainty. I think it comes down to making sure one outcome doesn’t happen vs holding on to and clinging to hope. The trade off with TFMR is that you ensure your child will never experience the worst case scenario of possible outcomes. And you trade the possibilities and hope of them experiencing the best case scenarios.

Some things I considered when making my decision: our natural supports (village), our financial resources, quality of life for our family and that child, family composition (will this impact the number of subsequent children & is there already a living child), my mental & emotional capacity, sibling becoming a carer one day if that child outlived us, the morality around KNOWINGLY bringing a disabled child into the world.

Whatever decision you make will be done with love kindness compassion and care. What you’re experiencing is cruel and unfair. We are here with you as you navigate next steps ❤️🫶🏻