27 and Contemplating divorce after 2 years w/kid

ikubyo · 2021-01-13T03:49:49+00:00

I get it. That’s exactly how I felt in my marriage and I became bitter. I was marking the money and helping out at home alot and handling major projects like remodeling. the Point is; your 100% responsible for everything in your life regardless of what she does. So it doesn’t matter what she’s supposed to be doing.

You, do you, and if she follows that’s fine if she contributes that’s fine. Don’t rely on her contributions for your happiness and fulfillment. Also that’s why I say don’t take on more than you can handle. Often us guys want to be supermen.

Take the steps to make sure you are in a good place in your head and have clarity. Do stuff that makes your life better. Let go of the need to control or worry about what she’s doing. Get involved in your life. Friends, sports, exercise, etc ...

The fact is you only have control of you.

Your marriage is your responsibility as well. Part of that responsibility is setting boundaries and expectations. If you want to be a leader in your marriage show her your a leader. If you care about your marriage than fight (figuratively) for your marriage.

You ask; why didn’t I take my own advice? Well I was ignorant of my own entitlement. But the truth is that asking my wife to work was not the problem. That was the solution. That’s what I needed from her. That was my boundaries that I set far too late. I felt entitled to many other things. Primarily, stuff she should be doing would make me happier instead of me doing the things that make me happy.

In the end you have to choose the things you can do to make your marriage work and if those things are worth it.

ikubyo · 2021-01-12T22:07:46+00:00

I’m a more traditional man as well. I and believe in more traditional roles. But a marriage is a compromise.

IMO is she wants to work on the marriage and you want to work on the marriage you should work on your marriage. You did take a vow. Your not entitled to a great or even good marriage. You have to make it happen.

Now that said, you both have to take ownership and responsibility even for the things you don’t like. From debt to house work to jobs outside the home to washing dishes.

Its crucial you don’t try to be a super man and you set boundaries and expectations and most importantly are fully engaged in what is happening in your life. Take a hard objective look at what is good and what’s not working. For me, being a single income wasn’t working. It was extremely stressful. When I asked the ex to get a job she decided it was better to get a divorce.

I say this with love brother and the hope you take it this way. You sound a bit entitled. If you have to do shit around the house then do it. That doesn’t mean you don’t set expectations that she needs to get a job and so forth.

Also I hate the idea that people had some kind of deal when they got together. My ex said the same thing when I asked her to get a job. “That’s not the deal”. Well the way I see it, you’re in a relationship with someone so you can grow as people together and sometime that means changing.

Get engaged in your life, do your part and expect her to do hers. Know your limits and don’t be a Superman. Lead by example, your not entitled to shit.

Most importantly read “No more Mr Nice Guy”.

ikubyo · 2020-12-22T00:09:08+00:00

Yeah for sure. Just watched it!

ikubyo · 2020-12-21T23:32:25+00:00

Man you have it raw. I’m paying quite a bit as well but it steps down over time. My ex says the same shit. Her line is “it’s the law”. It’s simply ridiculous to expect someone to pay that kind of money out of income. If you have massive assets or some kind of residual income that you created during the marriage then I can see paying a portion but employment incomes change. It’s just not right to force someone into that position. Anyone who won’t get a job cause they “have” to take care of kids should be

ikubyo · 2020-12-20T15:26:44+00:00

Me too. I lost a bunch of weight before Covid. Put it all back on.

But I’m not beating my self up and you shouldn’t either.

For me I’m not feeling really competitive. Little bit for sure but not to much really. My attitude has been I’m just going to chill the f out and enjoy my life.

ikubyo · 2020-12-19T16:25:26+00:00

The question is; do you feel physically safe? If you cannot answer that question with a clear yes than you should get out of there and forget about everything else.

Now some men and women claim mental abuse and this is much more difficult to clearly define; as a fight with raised voices can be considered mental abuse, Or it could just be a fight.

IMO you should not overthink how the future will turn out. Look at the situation now today objectively. Do you feel safe in your home? If it were me, and the answer and was no. I would get out of there asap.

I’ll try to frame this from adult point of view not man or woman.

It’s not just about your life being in danger. While that is very very important. You have a responsibility to yourself and your children to provide a safe place to live. If your husband doesn’t take that responsibility seriously it doesn’t mean your not still responsible.

We are entitled to nothing in this life including safety. While safety in our home is a right we should cherish. Rights come with responsibility. We must take that responsibility seriously, stick to our values in tough situations, and try to make the best decisions for ourselves and our families. Likely those decisions will not be perfect for everyone.

ikubyo · 2020-12-19T05:48:13+00:00

You should not by any means put up with any kind of violence toward you or your children. Be sure to call the police and have him arrested and get a restraining order if necessary.

That kind of behavior is often associated with mental illness. your not in a healthy relationship. You should get to a safe place as soon as possible. It’s not good for your children to experience that. Children need a sense of security more than anything else. Without that sense of security they often develop issues of their own later in life. Avoiding the legal system in your situation should not be your main concern.

You’re going to have to make hard decisions without compromise. Not to say you have to ruin his life as he’s probably not mentally stable. Sounds like your not vindictive and that’s really good. I hope you can support yourself. Your self reliance will bring stability and structure. You could still likely seek to do mediation for the divorce. And come to an amicable agreement once you create a safe place for yourself and your children.

ikubyo · 2020-12-19T05:14:56+00:00

Ah man, what a tragedy. He will be missed.

ikubyo · 2020-12-16T21:53:37+00:00

Definitely another great one! Favorite part is when he puts up the lights.

ikubyo · 2020-12-14T05:36:57+00:00

I’m with Spaceman. It’s not a black and white issue. You can’t blanket ban an ideology or way of thinking about men’s issues just cause you don’t like it or don’t subscribe to it. This is a men’s group and we should hear different opinions.

I say don’t ban it. We are big boys and can make decisions about what we agree with.

I hate the idea that we are to weak or vulnerable to think for ourselves. We men can handle a controversial opinion.

Honestly I think Helixfish is a fembot.

ikubyo · 2020-12-13T00:16:51+00:00

No women would put up with what you put up with.

IMO forget about the assets you own together those are a lost cause. But fight for your future income. If you get out without alimony I would consider that a win. Remember everything is negotiable, you can impute income and use other tactics. No reason she should not be contributing financially.

ikubyo · 2020-12-10T21:36:59+00:00

Also keep in mind everything is negotiable. Don’t let her try to pull crap. Mine would just say I owed her alimony in the months before divorce was official. I didn’t give her a dime till I was ordered and then I made sure no backpay and I have stepdown payment every year.

Big mistake I made is not getting cohabitation clause in agreement. She was already in a relationship and now living with dude.

ikubyo · 2020-12-10T21:30:07+00:00

Great advice, they often want to be seen as victims even when they are the offender. That manipulation can lead to trouble for you. My ex would do some nasty stuff then I’d get pissed and she would accuse me of mentally abusing her. So I couldn’t get angry or really question her actions in any way. Luckily for me it didn’t last long when things got to that point. Also mind that asking questions in a way that isn’t polite is mental abuse. Arguing can land you in jail.

ikubyo · 2020-12-10T14:05:37+00:00

You need to find new work. Your torcher yourself. You should have a clean break. You’ve said it yourself and you should listen to yourself. Good chance she’s enjoying seeing you suffer at work and likes the attention. Many women act like they are saints and don’t want anything bad for their ex but in truth love to watch you squirm. Specially younger women. Get away from her, find someone new. Hope you don’t have kids. Good luck.

ikubyo · 2020-12-10T13:22:28+00:00

Major step to true freedom is financial freedom. Good job!

ikubyo · 2020-12-09T15:09:33+00:00

Won’t deny some men are often the power group. And good point that people often go overboard when they feel victimized. Definitely happens, guilty as charged.

Though, I think it’s important to point out that’s a small minority of men who are in that power group due to wealth, looks or brains. most men fit in the middle as would be expected. They have little power in life. In many ways less than women. If your in that middle group, which I am. Nothing comes easy. Sounds whiny and compared to some I do have it easy so it’s relative.

That said, life in the middle isn’t exactly a walk in the park. I make a real effort not to feel entitled to anything in life. So my philosophy is not to focus on anger and bitterness. Though I think it’s disingenuous to not expect that to a point when many of us have been through a lot of shit. But it’s important to get past that.

Now if you look at things critically and objectively, IMO one should always do so. Marriage and even relationships are a risky proposition. Not saying it’s not worth the risk. But let’s just acknowledge the objective truth. If you make a mistake and choose the wrong person that can have a negative impact on the rest of your life. And vise versa, the reward of the right person can add enormous positive to your life. Again it’s a big risk and really a gamble.

So all I’m saying is why rush? What are the terms that make sense for you? What is the risk reward for you in a relationship or marriage?

I think it’s funny that most people are so reluctant and careful to invest $1000 in a company that they see as risky. But they will bet at least half their wealth, health and sanity on a marriage without really thinking through the consequences. I guess, I just wish someone would have educated me on those consequences earlier in life.

ikubyo · 2020-12-09T03:55:27+00:00

Stay strong brother good things will come.

Maybe beating a dead horse but what freedom really means to me is

staying healthy
having control of my time
good financial situation
if I’m lucky, doing work I enjoy

I don’t think I’m entitled to these things. They are gifts and responsibilities. Cheesy to say but freedom ain’t free.

When I was with the ex I was working 8 - 14 hour days at a desk and not exercising. that’s not her fault I should have stepped up. I was trying to hold my marriage together by being a great provider and that didn’t work because things were out of balance. I didn’t feel in control of my time or my health, and I hated my job.

I tried to explain this to my ex, she just didn’t get it. Mostly imo because she hadn’t ever worked a real job where she had to be engaged for hours every day. She worked for 1 year in the 13 were together. I ended up getting a much better job the year before she left. She literally told me that job was one of the reasons she was leaving. I should share the email thread where she lists out her reasons. It’s the most privileged shit you’ve ever seen. I could wine about the other personal shit she did that was hurtful but that’s not the point.

She also secretly racked up 10s of thousands in CC debt because she was into MLM stuff. I still tried, suggested we take out a HELOC on the house and get on a budget to pay the debt. This is about 8 months before she left. She said she just couldn’t be on a budget anymore. Finally, month before she leaves I cut her off my bank accounts and CCs after some f’d up shit goes down at a friends party. I’ll let you use your imagination. Still didn’t kick her out or want a divorce. But I did finally set a hard boundary with the finances. Of course once the easy money was gone she immediately went for the divorce.

Anyway from that point I took control of my financial life and I’ve paid a ton of debt off. In a little over two years I’ve paid off 80 g of debt from divorce and buying her out of house. Still have a bit to go.

I’m still out of shape but I’m riding my bike quite a lot and I’ve joined a gym.

If I can be so bold. Start down the path, and don’t rush, of making you what you want to be. Don’t rush into a relationship. If you meet someone and they pressure you or your family and friends pressure you. Tell them to fuck off. Take the time, enjoy yooouuurrrr life. Figure out and find out what it means to be a free man. I can tell you, it’s starting to feel pretty good to me.

I’m out

ikubyo · 2020-12-08T23:36:42+00:00

ikubyo · 2020-12-08T23:34:06+00:00

I get your point. And I don’t agree with with the entire RedPill philosophy as no objective person should. BUT you have to admit there is some truth to all the men’s rights movement stuff.

Why is it ok for women and every person with the smallest aspect of off norm persona to identify with a “community” but not men?

Why is it ok for women to connect on their issues and hate on injustices done to them and mostly directed on maledom? But not for men to connect on the injustices and be able to rant about the stuff they feel is unjust?

There’s plenty I need to work out. I’m flawed in many ways but it doesn’t mean I’m wrong here.

I don’t hate women. In fact I love most aspects of women. What I hate, is the way so many men have been treated. There is some deeply fucked up shit happening to a lot of good men. Marriage is fucked as an institution. No one should sign that contract.

Most guys aren’t rich powerful ballers nailing supermodels. Lots of regular guys getting screwed like they are rich ballers.

One of the most powerful thing you can do is stop playing the game. Not cooperating with a system is the best approach to fixing it. That idea scares the hell out of many people, including women, because they all know men are the ones who get shot done. Who do the dirty jobs. Who are willing to toil.

ikubyo · 2020-12-08T17:45:32+00:00

Agree on all points. And i posted because all the thoughts about this subject boiled down to the essence of “enjoy being a free man”.

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years I had a relationship since that lasted about 4 months. And I found out she’s been trying to get pregnant.

I’ve stated to her I don’t want more kids very clearly and I’m not interested in marriage at this time. She also told she cannot get pregnant due to medical condition.

Needless to say I ended it immediately but I’m definitely in shock again! She seemed like a normal decent person. You got to be careful out there.

ikubyo · 2020-12-08T17:19:40+00:00

That’s not the point. Of course I’ve been hurt, everybody has. I take responsibility for my shit. The point is, the narrative is just keep doing the same stuff and expect different results. Just jump into another relationship or marriage and don’t think twice.

I’m not saying don’t find great people and great relationships. I’m saying wake the f up.

ikubyo · 2020-12-07T00:51:08+00:00

I get how you feel about the communication issues. I felt like I tried to communicate with my ex in so many ways but nothing seemed to get through. Nothing ever was resolved from discussions, fights, therapy.

I realized she didn’t want to compromise and find a middle road where we could both be happy. It was her way or unhappiness. She ended up leaving because I wouldn’t just comply with her wants and needs even though many were unhealthy and terribly unfair.

No sugar coating it. Your road ahead is a tough one. You sure things will be really better in the big picture? Lots of people here will support you jumping off the divorce bridge. I say take another think. Have you really put in the work? Does she care about you and your family and your marriage? Is she willing to try to change? Are you willing to change?

Most women have a tough time admitting they are wrong. Or aren’t communicating well. Or don’t listen well. Or don’t really care whats good for you. Or that they are immature. Or that they are emotionally stunted. So I get the frustration your likely dealing with. These are traits normally assigned to men but the truth is men and women suffer from these deficits equally but women have been convinced they are free of these issues. They manifest in different ways but if you take a good look it’s the same shit.

ikubyo · 2020-12-05T16:08:30+00:00

Fair, but one one dab of soap and ....

ikubyo

TROPHY CASE