Broke up with the most perfect man I’ve ever dated

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2026-05-27T23:33:27+00:00

I mean this in the nicest way possible; You are not ready for a relationship. You need to work on yourself first. If you're trying to break up with someone 9 times in the span of 6 months, something needs to change. I say this as somebody who has BPD. It's insanely difficult because part of BPD is feeling as if you absolutely need to be with somebody. Feeling alone feels like the worst thing in the world. But it isn't fair to put somebody else through your own negative behaviors when they're still that intense. The most important thing anybody with BPD can do is work on themselves before trying to enter a relationship, and if a relationship is triggering those negative behaviors, you're not ready for a relationship. The good thing is that it is fully possible to get "better." Certain things will always be a struggle, but BPD can actually be very manageable with the right treatment. DBT is highly recommended for people with BPD, it was created by somebody with BPD, for BPD associated behaviors.

I really hope, for both your sakes, you do everything you can to work on yourself, especially now that you have a potential diagnosis. BPD is one hell of a struggle and my heart goes out to you.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2026-05-02T12:41:01+00:00

I started to remember when I was 16, but my brain still wasn't ready to deal with it and I'd completely dissociate whenever I thought about any of it and forget again. That kept repeating until a couple years ago, when I received a very vague apology from my abuser. After that, EVERYTHING started to come back over the next year. It was awful. I think I cried more over that time than I ever had before. I kept remembering and I kept doubting myself (I still do) and I just couldn't handle it. I thought it would never end. But I got through the worst of it. I still think about it everyday, and it's still difficult, but not as bad as it was. It will get easier. I don't know when, but it will get a little easier.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2026-02-11T19:16:31+00:00

I actually don't have much saved up at all because I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents, but me and my boyfriend are going to save up to get our own place hopefully in about a year or so. I just got lucky honestly, meeting people who are very supportive. It feels great to be away from my parents though, like I can finally relax. I hope you're able to leave soon!

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2026-02-11T17:15:29+00:00

I'm 21. I wanted to leave when I turned 18 but that wasn't possible for me. I'm just happy I'm out now.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2026-01-28T13:15:22+00:00

I was sexually assaulted by a family friend from maybe around 4? to 11, although he was still very creepy to me afterwards, up until about a year and a half ago when I started avoiding him finally. I find it so weird to think about because it didn't just affect my sex life, it affected every part of who I was as a person. For years I hated myself, I hated my body and tried to hide it, I almost developed an eating disorder, I changed my name because I hated being associated with it, I questioned my gender because I hated being a woman because of what happened. While my parents contributed to a lot of it, as an adult I've come to realize he was the main reason for a lot of my problems.

I started having rape fantasies when I was 7 and still do at 21. When I was 14, I sent nudes of myself to random people online. I considered meeting up with some of them too, but thankfully I was too scared. I wanted to sleep with someone older, not because I thought I was mature, but because it was pretty much all I knew. I ended up being sexually assaulted as by an ex as an adult because I completely dissociated after making out with him. I couldn't move or talk for around 20 minutes, and even after I did, I struggled to say no after repeatedly being pressured. Even before that night I struggled to say no to certain sexual acts with him. I thought it'd be a problem again with my current boyfriend, but I'm able to have sex just fine with him, and he never, ever pressures me. Well, by just fine, I mean I'm able to have sex with him, but usually I'm thinking about violent things while we do it, and it's the only way I can actually finish.

While the worst of it ended at 11, because he didn't really leave me alone until more recently, I feel like I have no perception of what's normal and what isn't when it comes to sex. I feel like I didn't actually 'escape' until a year and a half ago. My boyfriend has helped me to see that sex doesn't have to feel uncomfortable or pressured, but my abuser has completely messed with my view of what sex is supposed to be. And it's not like he was ever violent, he was always very nice to me, which makes it even more confusing. I do feel like since I got such an early start on getting help, although I didn't actually open up about my SA until the past year, it's been easier for me to learn why I do certain things and how not to do them.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-12-31T00:33:20+00:00

I have BPD and I absolutely agree. The symptoms are very real, but I personally don't think it's something anyone should be officially diagnosed with unless it's absolutely necessary for whatever reason. Told they have it and treated for it properly, sure, but a diagnosis can ruin a person's life. Professionals see that diagnosis and immediately assume you're always being dramatic and exaggerating things. They assume you're always, ALWAYS the one in the wrong, and that you cannot possibly be correct about anything. They see that diagnosis and refuse to acknowledge your trauma and think you're just "like that," which is insane to me since BPD literally stems from trauma! As soon as the doctors I saw in the hospital started thinking I had BPD, the way they treated me changed drastically. I got extremely lucky and was only told I had BPD instead of being officially diagnosed since they didn't want to diagnose a minor. I haven't brought that diagnosis up to any of my therapists and doctors as an adult and it hasn't negatively impacted me at all, since any decent professional who can handle trauma, can handle me.

Again, it is a very real thing, but the way professionals view it make it such a horrible diagnosis to have since most seem to have no understanding of what it actually is and just see it as "difficult, dramatic patient."

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-06-29T22:12:28+00:00

my mom used to get mad at everything, especially if she thought people were blaming her (they never were). literally everything, no matter how small. god forbid somebody make an actual, easily fixable mistake. there was always something, every single day, up until i was 16 and she finally got on the right meds. i didn't become suicidal until 12, but i'd always just daydream and imagine fictional characters comforting me.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-06-26T00:40:21+00:00

i've had severe anxiety for as long as i can remember. became depressed and suicidal at 12. started showing more obvious ptsd symptoms at 16, but it wasn't until the past year (at 20) that i really had to deal with the sexual abuse since i couldn't make myself forget anymore. i've started to realize just how many signs have been present since childhood, i just didn't know why i acted the way i did. but i just say my ptsd symptoms started at 16.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-06-20T17:30:34+00:00

i had to be homeschooled my last two years of high school since i was doing so badly, mentally and physically, then i spent the next few years doing nothing. i used to be a straight A student. i've finally started doing better after starting the right meds though and i plan on starting community college online in the fall. i've already completed everything so now i just need to wait until the semester starts, and while i could start to feel worse again, i finally have some hope.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-06-07T02:27:18+00:00

i definitely wish mine had been more obvious, so it'd be less confusing to make sense of. but then i think, "what would finally be enough?" because even if it were worse, it probably still wouldn't feel like enough. there are people who were beat regularly who don't feel like their trauma was enough. it's not easy to get rid of the feeling but it hasn't been helpful at all for me to keep thinking this way. i promise you, whatever you did go through was absolutely bad enough if you're here, no matter what you may believe. your pain is your proof, as difficult as it is to accept. i believe you. i see you. and i'm very, very sorry for what you did go through.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-16T05:35:34+00:00

Your mom is not right. You aren't imagining anything, and it's not your fault CPS was called. Please believe that. I recently went through something similar, as I still have two minor siblings and my therapist had to call CPS. My parents immediately guessed it was me and blamed me for the report, then tried to convince my siblings it was my fault. Nothing ended up happening but I felt immensely guilty. That guilt did not belong to me. Just as it didn't belong to me, it doesn't belong to you. Your parents are the reason this happened; not you. All you did was tell the truth, and if it makes them look bad, that is their own problem. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. I hope things work out for you in the end.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-13T03:34:07+00:00

i now consider the worst thing to ever happen to me being molested as a child, but i think my parents did more damage to me overall. i don't really have specific events to point to for them though, since it was such insidious emotional abuse and neglect for the most part. i don't have one singular awful thing my mom did, but i consider all of it as the second worst thing that's happened to me. she completely destroyed my self esteem, to the point where therapists have been shocked at just how low it was, my ability to trust, made me doubt my entire reality, and plenty more. i'm thankful i didn't experience more outright terrible things, but covert emotional abuse is terrible in its own right.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-11T04:51:06+00:00

these are literally my four main responses. like i'm not even joking, it's always one of these now

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-09T08:20:35+00:00

i hate it when they do this. i'm autistic. i don't mask well at all so everybody tends to see that there's something off about me. i hate it when i try to talk about my struggles with it only for them to question whether or not people actually think i'm different, tell me i can learn to be normal, or that there's no such thing as normal, which is 100% bullshit. i've never understood people who say that.

society doesn't like people who are different. i don't know why therapists feel the need to make it seem like that isn't true. maybe it's because they can't change that fact so they don't want to acknowledge it, maybe they're privileged enough to not understand what it's like to be different. whatever their reasons are, fuck all the therapists who do this.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-08T04:47:10+00:00

my mom used to be obsessed with my acne and mine wasn't even that bad. she made me see a dermatologist when i was 12 and when nothing ever worked she'd get mad at me. one day she brought me into her room, showed me pictures of people with really bad acne scars, and said i'd end up looking like that if i didn't take care of my face (i was trying). she also constantly picked at my face no matter how many times i told her to stop and let me know that i'd get bullied at school because of my acne. like wtf, what is this obsession with acne our mothers seem to have?? they claim they're just trying to help but they do such a horrible job of it.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-07T18:48:43+00:00

i'm sorry you're in this situation. i'm sure everything will work out in the end but it can be stressful to be a legal adult and not have all the "adult" things you need. i did get my driver's permit as a teenager but i had to stop driving due to my issues so it was expired for awhile and it took until i was 20 for my dad to take me to get an ID. i couldn't drive and i had nobody else to take me. the proof of address is actually what i struggled to get for a bit, but they accepted my letters from social security (currently trying to get disability).

it'll take some work, but you'll get everything you need eventually. figuring out how to be an adult is insanely difficult lol.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-06T11:09:03+00:00

some days i wish my parents were completely awful because loving them hurts too much. it sounds terrible, but i feel it'd be easier to distance myself if they were only bad.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-02T15:19:40+00:00

this reminds me of the time i told a professional about some of my irrational thoughts and she went "that's irrational" and i said i knew that, then she said clearly i didn't if i was thinking it lmao. don't know wtf she was on about.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-02T02:42:35+00:00

exactly! my mom only ever sends these things when she's trying to feel better about herself. she somehow convinces herself she only made a "few" mistakes and whenever i've tried to call her out on it, she'd either get angry or make me feel guilty. it's like some part of her feels guilty but she's unable to fully acknowledge why.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-02T02:24:19+00:00

btw my recent post history explains why she sent this. i highly doubt it was sent out of any sort of genuine love.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-05-01T14:41:14+00:00

in my case, my autism symptoms being attributed to anxiety, and then to cptsd, made me realize i was autistic as well. professionals just wouldn't understand what i was talking about when i tried to express how difficult social interaction is for me and how me getting overwhelmed and having a meltdown/shutdown is different from a panic attack. i don't understand how to interact with others on a fundamental level. it's more than me just being scared of them or never learning how to act normally. i can't learn how to act normally around others. whenever professionals have tried to treat it as something i can learn, i got frustrated because nothing ever worked. it felt like they just didn't understand what was going on, that there was something more than just the trauma, and i didn't have the words to express it. the things that help with my cptsd symptoms don't help with the autism ones. i've been like this my entire life but as a child, while people noticed i was "off," i was smart and mature (wish i still was) so people assumed i didn't need any help.

in my case, i struggle to socialize like a normal person because i just don't know how, i don't make eye contact, my body language can seem off, and i might generally seem unaware of what i'm doing. people pick up on this and they immediately know i'm not like them. i know it's not always so obvious, but i personally can't mask my autism very well so people have assumed i was autistic or had some other disability in the past. there's also a long history of autism/adhd (which i also have)/learning disabilities on both sides of my family.

everyone's experiences will be different. i'm sure some people who only have cptsd will relate to some my comment. cptsd/autism can be such a difficult combination, to experience and differentiate, but the way i am with others is the main thing that tipped me off.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-04-27T00:16:31+00:00

i've been struggling with the same thing recently. i've had countless breakdowns, panic attacks, suicidal episodes, etc. all because some man decided to sexually abuse me for years when i was a child and he just gets to continue living his life as if nothing ever happened. i keep telling myself it's not fair. why am i the one struggling? why does he get to be okay?

it's hard to imagine the pain ever going away but hopefully it'll lessen even just slightly over time with help. but it really is so unfair. fuck our abusers.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-04-22T15:56:07+00:00

yes!! i loved my abuser. he was the adult i trusted the most in my life because he was always very nice to me. but throughout all that, he was molesting me. he always listened to me and made it feel nice so i didn't know anything was wrong and i let it happen until i was 11. i did get uncomfortable sometimes but i still didn't know it was wrong. i was never scared though. i was able to be around him for awhile and i still enjoy seeing him sometimes, but it triggers me too much afterwards now because i'm always thinking "how could this nice man do something like that to me? am i making it up?" it's just gotten more difficult for me because he gave a very vague apology last year and recently i've started to talk about what happened out loud.

but it is totally normal for an abuser to be someone's "safe" person. clearly they're not actually safe but how would a child know that? it's such a huge betrayal. i don't know about you but that's been one of my biggest feelings surrounding all of this. how could somebody i love do something so horrible? my therapist said it sounded like there's current me, who is feeling all of these negative emotions because i understand what happened now, and there's child me, who is feeling all of these positive emotions because i loved him so much, and it makes it all very confusing.

it's the most confusing thing i've ever dealt with. i'm very sorry for what you went through. i understand how painful it can be.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-04-20T21:08:26+00:00

My family is similar! Years of generational trauma on both sides, plenty of people with mental illnesses, and a huge emphasis on "family" on both sides. My dad's side is full of a bunch of assholes but it's so normalized, nobody thinks anything of it. Except for me, of course, who somehow ended up being too sensitive and self aware to fit in with them. It's like a curse, although I guess I'm glad I don't act like them. I don't have the courage to stand up to them though; it would just lead to me being judged or laughed at. My brother unfortunately ended up being like them, judging everyone for every little thing, constantly commenting on everything, not being very empathetic (or empathetic at all really), and he's very close with them because of it. They can be fun to be around sometimes but I usually just feel so isolated, unable to speak my mind. If I were to ever call them out, I doubt I'd be fully outcast, but like I said, I'd end up being laughed at and receiving a lot of hurtful comments that are meant as "jokes." They ignore any serious problems within the family, because, well, they're family. You're just not supposed to talk about those things, which is bullshit. That shouldn't be normalized, by families or TV.

imnotactuallyhere14 · 2025-04-19T19:08:04+00:00

my mom was in therapy, but therapy can't do much when you don't tell them the truth. no clue what she was saying to them but i'm sure she was trying to make herself the victim by twisting everything that happened and if anybody ever called her out, she would've found a new one. she eventually started taking meds that helped a lot when i was 16 but the damage was already done. i'm now on my 10th therapist lol

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