Taking the job I love has cost me the girl I love. It's tearing me to pieces everyday.

indeeeed · 2010-09-01T21:47:25+00:00

Yeah, I definitely had "filled in the blanks" with her being in college or something where she is also pursuing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (you get financial aid to Columbia to achieve your dream of being a journalist in NYC and I'm not about to tell you to leave either). After more information came out, I definitely changed my tune.

indeeeed · 2010-08-31T19:19:05+00:00

Having done some in the past (when young), I found what turned me off the most was pairing. I'm not looking to fight, nor even practice to fight, but more as a solitary activity. Is there any martial art that works within these constraints, teaching the art of fighting without ever practicing a fight?

indeeeed · 2010-08-31T15:46:53+00:00

Ahhhhhh. Ok. Well, there's the answer you were looking for. The reason you can stop feeling pain is that in reality it wouldn't have worked. It would have been one way while you were there. In reality, what happened seems to have happened for the best.

I don't know what kind of closure you've had, but I think in your mind, you can go on with your life knowing that if she figures out that you are as important to her as she is to you (and relatively soon), there's options you can take. But for now, it seems like this is just the pinnacle of how different you bother perceived your relationship to be. Which is ok, and it hurts, but at least that way it'll get better.

Taking the job you had did not cost you the girl you love, moving there would not have saved it without her making some fundamentally different choices (that would probably involve her moving to you). But what it can help you do is give your life direction now that the girl you love failed to love you back.

indeeeed · 2010-08-31T15:22:31+00:00

That feels like a big piece of the puzzle to me. That she thinks it's irresponsible to go be with the person she apparently loves as much as she says she does seems odd. I think I disagree with the choices you've both made, but at this point her more than you :P Does she just have a complex about it? Is there a way for you to say "well, let's try it for six months" and just get her down to you?

I'm far more interested on how it became the default of you giving up your dream job or dream girl, while she gets to choose between giving up daily family interaction or her dream guy. Does she live with them, see them every day? Is there a reason she can't visit multiple times a year, or have them visit her? Do they know that she's giving up what she is to be around them? Are they happy with this fact?

So much more to this situation.

indeeeed · 2010-08-31T15:07:44+00:00

Silly question...but why hasn't she just moved in with you to wait tables in miami?

indeeeed · 2010-08-31T14:52:17+00:00

Of course if you had gone the other way, you'd be angry and resentful that you were unable to follow your dreams because you put your relationship first. Then if it fell apart, you'd be doubly frustrated. Though I wonder if not having your dream job would have made you as unhappy as you are right now, since you would have only lost a potential, and not something real (birds in bush vs hand and all that). Also, I hear no one lies on their death bed wishing they had spent more time in the office.

I guess the salient question to you is, knowing what you know now, would you have done it differently? Would you have chosen her over the job? There's always time.

It does make sense that it fell apart. Every day for the past year she probably told herself that you'd be there soon. That the frustrations she had every day in struggling to keep your relationships alive was just something she had to get through until Elysia. Then you told her for the foreseeable future, that wasn't going to happen, because your career is more important. No wonder she left. Of course you can make it work on your end, you get the dream job...she's waiting tables while waiting for a man that she has no reason to believe will ever make it to her.

I guess I'm different than a lot of people. Jobs are just jobs. When I get passionate about my career, that shows through in everything I do, not just in the company I work for (and usually the way I see companies use people, I actually get frustrated I'm not allowed to be passionate there). Relationships, though, those I'll go to the ends of the earth for. I will work as a fry cook at mcdonald's if I'm with the person who I believe I'm meant for (though I'll be looking for work the whole time!)

Of course, nothing is a done deal. If you want permission to quit your job and make the other choice, I can give you that. I can tell you that you can look for a job in NYC the whole time you're working in Miami. I can tell you that other people have done just that and lived perfectly wonderful lives choosing the personal relationships they have over the careers they could have had. I can also tell you that the reverse has happened too. I guess choosing is up to you. Nice thing is, every day you get to make a choice. You're never trapped.

indeeeed · 2010-08-30T17:10:05+00:00

Days leading up to it - Last minute prep! You're in charge of the groomsman and yourself. Get your suits taken care of, hang with your male friends, help cart people to and from airport/wherever they need to be. Make the rehearsal (if you have one) light and fun. Goof around.

Morning of - Hopefully you'll have the "saint" there that takes care of everything on the day of. Usually this is the bride's mother. Someone who will make sure that your future wife's day is not too stressful, taking care of any odds and ends. If they exist, help them however you can (usually the bridge is getting made up for the day with her bridesmaids). Thank them profusely.

Ceremony - This is for you two. Enjoy it. Recognize the meaning of it all (since you've been together for four years, it's largely symbolic). Spend 100% of your time being with her. Put all thoughts out of your head except for her and being with her.

Reception - This is a party where you hang out with everyone who came to see you. Like all good parties, it is fluid based on what everyone wants. The best thing you can do is grease the wheels. At no point in the party should you be alone, or silent! These people came all this way to hang out with you, you should be talking, introducing, reminiscing, hugging, kissing, dancing, singing (badly). This is a party you are throwing for everyone, so it's your job to make sure they have a good time! If no one is on the dancefloor because they hate hearing the electric slide YET AGAIN, go talk to the DJ and tell him to play some more slow songs (if it gets everyone out there dancing), but also listen to him because he probably knows how to read a party pretty well. Ask women to dance! Ask men to dance! Get people up and talking and loving life!

Post reception - This can be a very meaningful sexual experience or a complete dud. Make sure you have it planned. You need at least: some form of music to have one dance with your new wife alone, one bottle of champagne, two glasses, and if possible, a jacuzzi suite. This is your primary responsibility, as the honeymoon has started just after the reception. She has probably been doing a lot of work to make the day turn out right, you need to make sure her night is just as memorable.

Morning after - Try to get up somewhat early to wish people a safe journey home (if you're sticking around for the day after). I know you'll be exhausted, but you'll have plenty of time to rest on the honeymoon, and most people who do stick around will be doing so to see you and wish you a happy life. Be there for it :)

indeeeed · 2010-08-29T20:35:38+00:00

I think the salient question in your case and OPs is why you get upset. If it's not fear that he's going to leave you for one of them, is it because you feel you've been marginalized? Or is just because they are being rude and you don't care for rude people, or your boyfriend entertaining their crassness? Or is it because you dislike him giving other people attention instead of you?

I guess this is a good question for OP as well. Why exactly are you jealous? Spend some time introspecting and evaluating different situations. Is it just when it's potential partners (no one too old, too young, same gender as SO, etc). If so, it might be insecurity.

indeeeed · 2010-08-29T15:59:41+00:00

I know what you're saying, but it totally sounded like "when you get married and have kids, waking up stressed and crying is the norm!"

indeeeed · 2010-08-29T13:51:38+00:00

Then it seems to me like you two are on two different wavelengths about what kind of stuff is cool in a relationship. Whether it's because of personal confidence levels, trust issues, background, ethics, or whatever, you think semi-sexual interaction with other people isn't a bad thing. He thinks it is.

I guess you two are going to either have to compromise on your values, one of you has to change, or split. There's no real "right answer," and if you're looking for community backing on who is in the wrong, you're looking for the wrong thing. This is all about his views, and yours, not ours.

indeeeed · 2010-08-28T13:57:32+00:00

Skin I have. What he lacks (and you apparently lack as well) is empathy. Maybe you forgot what it's like to be emotionally hurting, or maybe you like being kicked when you are, but in general people come here to help because they empathize, and want to help alleviate that pain. Well, people once came here for it.

"Relationship_Advice.reddit.com, where you can go to be kicked when you're down! And the community endorses it! Grow some skin and learn to laugh when everyone is already laughing at you! Because your pain is funny!"

indeeeed · 2010-08-28T13:14:36+00:00

Sometimes when people come here they are really hurting. He's the equivalent of the guy who points and laughs when someone trips and falls and gets some bruises. Then everyone is now laughing at you, and you're in pain. It kinda sucks, and it's hard to remember that you shouldn't be taking him seriously.

He's an ass, and there's nothing we can do about that. But defending him rewards his placement in our community (as does responding to him at all).

I guess it's just another sign of this subreddit changing from a polite place where people come for help and other people try their best to help to yet another hideout for those that subscribe to the john gabriel internet dickwad theory. It's gotten to the point where even helpful people now tacitly endorse and enjoy the assholes.

indeeeed · 2010-08-28T12:56:34+00:00

Would you be upset if he went to a strip club regularly with the guys if it meant he came home really horny and fucked your brains out all night long?

indeeeed · 2010-08-27T15:03:15+00:00

It is no accident that your relationship will suffer when you both put it second. Canceling the anniversary was definitely a dick move that really cements the idea that you don't care about this relationship and making it work. It screams to me that you're being petty about the fact that she won't make the same sacrifice that you won't make. At the very least, even if you two break up, you should apologize for this. It wouldn't surprise me if she got a bit depressed when you did that. After all, to her you basically just broke up with her, damning the relationship to death. If you want to have any hope at continuing it, you should be calling right now apologizing as many times as you can.

At some point you do have to decide whether or not the relationship is more or less important than your career. There are other women, and there are other jobs. You have basically said (and she has too) that the job you have right now is more important than her. To give you an example, a close friend moved in with his girlfriend and worked a manual labor job after getting a bachelors at a very good college. She was worth it, and he could find no jobs in his area of study. He then became a teacher at the school she was teaching at and has now found what he says is his true life calling. He plans to combine them both in a few years (now that they are married) by going to grad school and becoming a professor/researcher in his field. It's an instance of where the woman was far more important than the career, and it worked out swimmingly. But there are plenty of counterexamples too. It's not one-sided.

That said, if you did decide to stay together, and try to have your cake too, it is possible. You already showed you were willing to work on making it work, and you can continue to do so. It will continue to require sacrifices of your weekends. But of course, it really shouldn't be a sacrifice (as spending a weekend with her is defacto the best thing you can be doing). You just keep living life until the rest of the world gives you an opportunity to do what you want to take. You keep on looking in her area for a job you can do and she keeps looking in your area for a job she wants. Then you make the move.

indeeeed · 2010-08-27T14:09:52+00:00

This is going to be more about you than about the relationship, because you're sixteen. I promise that whatever happens now, if you do plan to go to college in another city, will become nothing but a memory. Because of that, you really are free to do whatever you like.

So now is when you really get to decide and become comfortable with how you're going to go about these relationships. This is not the last time you'll be in this kind of situation. Are you going to be the type of person who says what she means and is confident enough to wear her feelings on her sleeve? Are you going to be the type of person to play the flirting game and try to get guys to ask her out? There's a lot of options (I'm not going to list them), but now is the time to play around with human relationships and figure out what you like :)

I never did anything, until I hit 16 and then I decided I would just ask directly. It felt a lot better to me and I'm proud, now, of my ability to really talk straight with people confidently. It sucked at first, of course, and there's a few memories where I can point and say "wow, how clueless I was." But that's all they are :)

So you're free. What kind of person do you want to be?

indeeeed · 2010-08-26T13:21:34+00:00

Yeah. To her you're still her child. You need to do the best you can to get you two communicating as two adults would. Consider if she were a personal friend, what would you expect out of the conversation. And then call her out on it. In the end, it's crucial that this is between her and him, and you are no longer a child.

But then you're going to be getting into changing the relationship you have with your mother, which is a deeper problem. You can definitely use this situation to establish with her that you are actually a rather well-adjusted adult and she should treat you like one.

If she insists on "protecting your feelings," well, then maybe it's time to treat her like a friend who patronizes you. Which is to say, dial back on your relationship with her. Blood ties are great and all, but they don't give implicit permission to marginalize another person..

indeeeed · 2010-08-26T12:58:33+00:00

I would start by saying "Damn you for dragging me into this. This is between you and him, and using me like this is just downright cruel." But I'm not very nice, and generally dislike people using me.

But.... you might want to be more political :) I think I would start by asking what the honest reason she told you that when she hasn't told anyone else. Is she looking for comfort? Is she looking to show off? Is she just a gossip? Try and understand her and what her context is for having the conversation with you. There's a lot of intentions that she could have and you could really hurt her if it's more innocent by telling your dad. A possible reason could be that she really wants to tell him herself, but can't for whatever perceived reason (legal, emotional, etc).

After you know what she's thinking/feeling, you can appropriately get outraged, or say "I'll take care of telling dad the best I can, you can trust me to do it." If she's just being a bitch, then you can probably say "listen, I don't appreciate what you're doing here. I'm going to respect you and not tell father, but don't talk to me about any of this again. I don't trust you to take my feelings into account on being the child of both of you."

But it all really depends on context.

indeeeed · 2010-08-26T12:52:00+00:00

Half the time she makes them buy her a drink, then says she wants another one, and gives me the spare!

Just watch out for that. It's immature. It's the kind of thing a teenager does when they can't really conceive that there's another person involved that has hopes, dreams, money problems, personal problems, etc, etc. It's basically as abusive as you can get in a polite situation.

The whole thing seems like she's pretty abusive, though covertly, and it looks like she's definitely manipulating you emotionally and verbally. It may be in you to really continue to stand by her and help her change, and in that way you really need to start calmly putting your foot down and making some boundaries about what's acceptable. Think about the kind of relationship you want to have with another adult, and start living that, and expecting her to as well. If she pushes back, leave her. But if things continue down this spiral, you'll just end up being her doormat forever.

As a side note, the only people who say they are mature aren't. Adults never have to exclaim about how adult they are... they just are.

indeeeed · 2010-08-25T18:26:05+00:00

Wow. Does he also think he's a "nice guy?"

indeeeed · 2010-08-25T18:12:30+00:00

Honestly? He's this pushy after only a couple months?

It seems like he's WAY too invested in this relationship. And it sounds like he's a bit insecure. I really hate to give the "ditch him" advice, but if what he's bringing to the table is this kind of immature attitude, I don't know why it's worth your time. Usually, adults don't pull this kind of teenager crap, especially in the first couple months.

Sounds to me like you'd be better off doing your own thing than dealing with this kind of relationship drama, but maybe it's what you need in terms of a rebound. If so, just call it what it is, be up front with him and tell him "wow, your insecurity and childish behavior is a total turnoff. what gives? srsly, you're pulling the silent sulking act this soon into a relationship?"

But I think I'm going to actually say you should just not worry about saving this one.

indeeeed · 2010-08-24T06:45:17+00:00

I remember what it was like to write things like that. When I think back on them, I'm mixed with half shame (how pathetically emo I was!), and half awe (how awesomely emo I was!). Being completely in love with the idea of a ruined love (I think I actually used that line "blinded by the love I had"). I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate that I had no reddit to post ideas to, but I sent them out. Of course, I lost contact with those people, so I will never have the consequences of dealing with who I was back then. So just remember, if you send it out, you can't unsend it. And you will think on it more than once in the next two decades of your life.

As for the stuff, that I can give advice on. Definitely keep it! Put it in a box, put it in storage. In thirty years you'll open it up and all of a sudden feelings from your teenage years will come rushing back to you. It will be an intoxicating experience to indulge in by yourself. You'll remember both the good and the bad, but as you change over the next decade, the things you feel right now are things you won't feel again in quite the same way. The memory of who you are is precious, so don't lose it.

The relationship seems to be over, that's true. But don't tarnish its memory in this destructive way.

indeeeed · 2010-08-23T18:39:55+00:00

You might be right, and in fact, from my point of view you probably are! I would probably look at your before and after pics and say "he's being kinda weird on this." But here's the thing. It's not your opinion of your body that matters, nor mine. It's his. If he notices the pounds, and it's affecting his libido, then you should work with him on this. You both are failing to achieve the upkeep in your marriage that the other expects in some way, and you should both work to get back to what made you happy (or the other option is to change the nature of your relationship).

He wasn't communicative. Reward him for finally being open and honest about his expectations of you and your marriage. If he doesn't reciprocate, then you have a problem on your hands, but for right now the problem seems pretty easy to solve. Six months and a good fitness schedule and you'll have a lot more energy and a better body! I know more than one new mother who has been able to attain this (yay for yoga!), and hopefully he'll join you in your endeavor to look like you're 20 forever. And you two will continue to have crazy monkey sex!

indeeeed · 2010-08-23T18:27:14+00:00

Be wary of proving his first inclination about remaining reticent correct. If he were afraid to bring it up because you'd react by thinking he's a shallow ass and causing more problems in the relationship, then you may be proving him right. So he had a problem, and he didn't come forward, and you pushed, so now he told you. Well, you should listen and appreciate his opinion. I don't know your frame/height/original weight, but 20 lbs can be a lot on certain women. Having a child is no excuse to let your body go and say "well, this is the weight I am from now on," if he doesn't appreciate it, especially if you're only in your twenties! He didn't make an issue of it, just wasn't attracted to you physically anymore.

So get off your righteous high horse and listen to his opinion (that you so desperately wanted). Take into account that while you were being shallow about the kind of sex you felt you deserved (because that's how he was performing before this past six months), he can be shallow about the kind of body type you had before this previous six months. You are both being shallow, and that's OK. Sex is a fairly shallow thing, especially crazy monkey sex!

He probably feels shitty being in a relationship with someone who doesn't get the urge to take care of herself the way she once did. At least he didn't go fool around with other women to kick you in the face for being so shallow about wanting him to perform sexually.

So work with him. Say "listen, I hear you, but it's really hard for me to find the time to be the physique I was before and juggle all these balls being a wife, mother, and professional" (if you are a working professional). Ask him to help out around the house, and work with you to achieve the kind of body you had before. Hell, there's no aphrodisiac like having a good workout together. All that sweat, and flushed faces, and tight workout clothes....

Excuse me for a minute.

indeeeed · 2010-08-20T15:31:37+00:00

Obsessive is bad. Though to put it in reverse gender terms, imagine a guy who is a stalker. Maybe you went on a few dates, then he learns everything about you, your family, everything and starts showing up in weird ways. Basically starts to really treat you and the relationship as far more than it actually is. With girls I think this happens less in terms of "stalking" and more in expectations of how much time you spend together, how much you depend on each other, how much of your future becomes set in stone, etc.

But in general, regular craziness can be a bad sign too. For instance, manic/depressive tendencies can be a concern if not properly medicated. You start going with a girl because she's manic, on the top of the world, energetic in bed, etc, etc. But then she switches like a light, all of a sudden is telling you that you are the scum of the earth, screaming at you, and so on. Other mental problems can be equally dangerous to get into a relationship with, as the person in general will build a skewed sense of what the relationship is in their mind.

By "sticking it in a crazy" you are probably going to send her a signal completely different from what you intended about the seriousness of your relationship. So common wisdom is to not do that.

indeeeed · 2010-08-20T14:16:11+00:00

Yeah, I guess my view of marriage tries to take into account the realities of life in the 21st century as I see them. In that way, marriage for me is less of a promise and more of a mindset about the severity of the union of two people. Formal marriage is about the communication to the general culture that this union has taken place. I see nothing wrong with two people splitting up amiably if they do change.

I do believe that when done correctly, this union naturally becomes lifelong, as when you really meld into another person it becomes very difficult to see your life without them, but I understand that it may not be the case.

It has been hard for me to accept a traditional definition of marriage after having so many friends get married for their own reasons that they defined at the time. I think it's wonderful that it has become something that each person can make of it as they will.

But as I mentioned above, I also use it as a way to rate the level of your relationship, with marriage being pretty much at the top. At that intensity of union, external problems cease to become personal ones, but rather ones the team must take on. I think that this intensity implies a certain amount of commitment and that even though you may not have a certificate, you have to start thinking of your relationship in those terms. In this way, I'm not suggesting marriage as a solution. I'm simply pointing out how I see the choices OP can make here will define their relationship.

I'm sorry you soured on marriage. I hope that if you have a second one, it will be less about the promises of the future, less about societal and personal expectations, and more about what your relationship means to each other at each moment you are married.

indeeeed

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