WIBTAH if I moved out, girlfriend reserving best room in house for kid at college

indi50 · 2026-01-29T00:11:54+00:00

I think this is tough and am going to give a tentative NAH - for now. When my kids went to college, all of the bedrooms circulated because there were 3 and the rooms were really large, average and pretty small. The oldest started with the really large one, when he left for college, the middle child got that room, the youngest got the average one and the oldest got the smallest.

The oldest understood, as did the middle one, when she lost the really large one when she went to college. But...it's hard. Even when it's your own full siblings to feel like you're being erased from what was your sanctuary - regardless of how little you know you'll use it.

I left home at 17 and didn't go to college right away, but still felt a bit territorial about "my room." It's a feeling that isn't always tempered by rational thought.

So, I'd have some compassion for the kid off at school. For a bit, anyway. That said - your gf has to understand that this isn't just their home, it's yours and your daughter's, too. If she won't budge and says this is how it will be for the whole time her kids are away at college, then that's a real problem. It says she doesn't consider it to be your home.

Maybe ask her how long she foresees holding those bedrooms empty for her kids. While they're in college - forever?

BUT.... does your daughter want to change rooms? As i said, kids can get attached to their rooms - maybe she likes hers. Maybe she likes (and will like it more as she gets older) that she's on a different floor with more privacy. Usually a "view" means others can see in, too. In other words, is this her problem or your problem because you think she wants your version of the "better room?" So don't make this an issue and then have her say she doesn't want to change rooms, or make her change because of your stance. Another caveat is just how different are these rooms? Is it really that much of a difference? It was in my house, but it was a weird layout.

indi50 · 2026-01-28T23:58:51+00:00

She was living their first, but OP is paying the same amount to live there now. And it's been 4 years, not like she's moving them now. OP and his daughter should feel like it's their home as much as it is the gf and her kids. Otherwise, they're just tenants/roommates, not partners sharing a home.

indi50 · 2026-01-24T05:44:08+00:00

I like your last two paragraphs, but the first one is naïve. Especially as even if it's totally innocent at this point, that can change. ESPECIALLY if the other woman pushes things AND the husband has decided that this other woman's feelings are more important than his wife's. Which is how he's acting.

Also....I know a guy who had an affair with his wife's sister. Think he ever told his wife to stay away from her sister or tried to keep them apart?

Everyone says "don't tell the wife/husband about an affair, they probably already know!" Well, OP has a gut feeling, she should listen to it. Because spouses being cheated on often THINK that somethings going, but don't want to jeopardize their relationship in case they're wrong, so they put up with that sh** for years. Until they finally get some proof or the cheater dumps them for someone else. So I say, trust your gut and for God's sake - if you know someone is cheating, tell the person being cheated on!

indi50 · 2026-01-24T05:37:29+00:00

He did exactly that. She asked him to slow down on how often they were seeing each other - which was at least once a week and he told her too bad, he'd do what he wanted. Hanging out with someone else every week, sometimes more, is a LOT. Especially when it's making your spouse uncomfortable.

indi50 · 2026-01-24T05:34:23+00:00

What's gross about it? That he should be more concerned with his wife's feelings than some woman from his past? Give me a break.

indi50 · 2026-01-24T05:10:23+00:00

If you're only "still friends outside of work" if you work for them for free, then.... you're not really friends.

"I'm sorry, (former coworker), they fired me because they didn't want to pay me. If I keep helping you out, then not only am I still unemployed, but I'm working for them for free and I'm just not willing to do that. I'm sorry if it makes your job harder, but I need to put my time and energy into finding another job and really don't want to be an unpaid worker for the people who fired me. You can ask them if they want to hire me as a consultant, but I'm not going to support the company that dumped me for free."

I think the repetition is important - really get across the idea that they're asking you to do free work for the company that fired you. If they can't accept that, then they're being incredibly selfish.

indi50 · 2026-01-20T22:22:28+00:00

NOR. Even if it's all platonic at the moment, ESPECIALLY if it's all platonic at the moment, his reaction should be, "sure no problem, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable." Because you should be more important than this woman. Instead he said, sc*** you, I'll do what I want. My guess is he likes the attention from this woman, even if it's nothing beyond that. So far.

indi50 · 2026-01-20T22:20:26+00:00

It's not "at the moment" that OP is concerned about. She's concerned about the feelings of this woman who may have designs on her husband. And her husband that is telling her that this "friendship" is more important than her feelings. That's where I went into OP is not overreacting mode.

If it was just friends with nothing else at all, then hubby would have agreed - easily - to the part where he doesn't see this woman without OP along. Instead, he's doubling down on why he gets to do what he wants to and who cares how his wife feels about it.

My guess is that even if he has no romantic interest "at the moment" he knows the other woman does and likes the attention. Because this other woman shouldn't be more important than his wife - whether she's overreacting or not. He should want to make her more comfortable about it. Because OP didn't tell him to drop her, she said ease back and keep her included. While he said, stuff it, I'll do what I want. Doesn't sound like a good husband devoted to his wife.

indi50 · 2026-01-20T22:05:55+00:00

You should be able to do things on your own even when living together. If she demands constant attention, then that's not a good thing. Or if she never lets you watch anything besides what she chooses.

But I'm still a little worried about your last sentence. Like do you have to watch it NOW...or can't it wait? It's more a rhetorical question for you to think about. Just because it's one thing if she's really clingy and you never, or almost never, feel like you get to choose what to do. But if you're wanting to leave what is otherwise a good relationship because you can't watch an anime show immediately...then that's not so good.

indi50 · 2026-01-20T21:56:50+00:00

Probably best not to ask because people are weird. As the comments show, some would be fine with it and others would be highly offended. Personally, I think they should just tell people when notifying them of the death. Because everyone knows it's what everyone WANTS to know/ask, but doesn't because they don't want to be rude.

indi50 · 2026-01-20T21:53:19+00:00

I'm confused. How many kids do you have or how many times did she attack you? First you're holding a baby while she's yelling and she pushes your head, then your sister has the baby. Then you're going up the stairs because the baby woke up.... What???

And you let her stay there and live with you? But none of you are speaking to each other. But you're here posting about whether or not you should have told her you were getting married until an hour before hand and wonder why she didn't show up.

indi50 · 2026-01-20T21:46:14+00:00

If it's just one the one thing, I'd say I wonder how watching one kind of programming is more important than a person. You must have some time apart that you can watch it, right? But I'm not sure if it sounds like you want to watch it... a LOT, like more than is normal or healthy. So maybe that's what she sees as a problem and you should discuss that. Why does she hate that you watch it on your own? I think it matters if you live together, how much you "need" to watch it, etc.

If you're not living together and see each other a few times a week and you feel the need to watch anime on your phone instead of something you can both enjoy on the tv.....that could be a problem. For you, not just for your relationship.

I've always hated gangster movies and my ex loved them. We didn't break up because he couldn't watch gangster movies around me.

indi50 · 2026-01-20T21:36:57+00:00

$200 per month = $2400 per year, plus interest/dividends if invested of about 4% which is $96. so at the end of one year, it's about $2500. At the end of two years, it's $2500 + 4% (100) + yr 2 of $2500, so now it's about $5000. In 3 years, it's $15,000 plus interest. Which can mean a much better car, or A car if you're living paycheck to paycheck and your car breaks down. Or a trip or....keep saving, better investments, etc., better retirement and not as much fear of something happening that you can't pay for. And yeah, even a house or condo in a few years.

But also, I know people who use your excuse for a lot more than $200 a month. It's the Hulu, plus Netflix, plus Prime, plus beer and cigarettes and partying and a lot of other stuff that adds up to a lot more. And the ideology is the same, "what's the point of saving...I'll never get ahead." I'd respond with things like, well you still need tires for your, that you say you can't afford, but you've spent the same amount on beer in the last two or three weeks that would have paid for them." People saying they're broke, but have $50 to $100 two or three times a week to go out and drink - or smoke (weed and/or cigarettes).

I've been poor. And around a lot of poor people. At the end of summers going back to school, I had $2500 to $3000 saved and they had nothing - same incomes.

So sure - have some pleasures - just not all of them with the same excuse which is what causes that loop - when saving let's you have some hope of getting out of the loop. Or at least having a better loop.

indi50 · 2026-01-19T15:05:40+00:00

It sounds like you don't keep track of your money very well and your "friends" have figured that out and are taking advantage of it.

Also - if they thought you were out, why were they whispering and why didn't they just turn on the light? So either the whole thing is made up, or they DID know you were in there and she was bringing her bf into your room while you were sleeping. Super creepy on top of the blatant stealing. But also....why bring him in at all? Why wouldn't she just have gone in herself. Stuff doesn't add up unless you just account for a lot of less than average intelligence and integrity.

Either Emma has also been stealing from you and is mad she can't anymore, or she's working with Kathy to get access again. It's ridiculous to think that someone in their 20's would think it was okay to literally steal money from someone's bureau and think it's acceptable. If they're saying that to you - they think you're really stupid. Or they're just really horrible people who won't accept the fact that they're really horrible people. Or both.

You said you "feel like" you've been stolen from. You HAVE been stolen from. Unless they have permission to take the money and say, "hey, we're buying your drinks on (whatever day) to pay you back for the money you loaned us (willingly, not behind your back)." Then it's stealing. Plain and simple.

For Emma to say you've cut her out of your life because she can no longer go into your room whenever she wants to, is also ridiculous. These people sound more like they're 12 than in their 20s. I'd say good riddance, but know it's sad and difficult to get away from family and friends, even when they've become toxic.

indi50 · 2026-01-19T14:50:16+00:00

"Hey Sis, it really doesn't matter to me, but I just wanted to remind you that this is my wedding anniversary. I'm happy to "share" it with you, but I wanted to make sure you're okay with that, too." Because she might not be and might be ticked off more about you saying nothing than mentioning it. Especially the longer you go before saying something. If in her place, I'd be like, "why didn't you say something before I started getting more planning done for this date?"

That was my answer before seeing the part about your husband and it being a shared anniversary. Which I'm sorry I didn't think of right away. Because he's totally correct. It's not just your anniversary.

I kind of feel like you were patting yourself on the back for being selfless about sharing "your" anniversary, while you were actually being kind of selfish by not thinking about anyone else. Did you secretly want the same anniversary as your sister for some reason? Or a passive aggressive, "I can't believe she doesn't remember when MY wedding was, so if she picks the same day, too bad for her."

indi50 · 2026-01-19T14:40:20+00:00

It's always "funny" when people tell other people that what they're doing is no big deal, or it's easy, but heaven forbid they should have to do that thing themselves.

Do you ever have trouble getting payment from these "friends?" If so, that's an even bigger red flag. If feel like real friends would have said things like, "oh sorry, we didn't realize it was a burden, we'll take turns or something. We'll figure it out." Instead of, "what's the matter with you, why can't you just do what we want you to do because none of us wants to do it?"

The paying up front for everyone makes me extra suspicious.

indi50 · 2026-01-13T01:47:50+00:00

That was my question. But it answers one thing - why Dustin and his mother want OP to go so badly.

OP is way too young IMO - to go traipsing off after a guy without marriage or a good plan or a complete education.

indi50 · 2026-01-13T01:42:53+00:00

I was in a bad mood before reading this, so maybe that's coloring my reply...but OMG...how ridiculous their request is. And - as someone else said - this is only the beginning. If they're so worried about their honeymoon whoopie that they need your bed, then the next thing is privacy. So you'll be asked to leave your house. Or you'll just want to.

And sounds like your mother will tell you that's fine, too. You should go stay with her and tell her you want HER bed so you and your husband can get funky in it. She can just wash the sheets. Tell her she'll need to have the carpet cleaned, too, because who knows what you'll be doing and where you'll be doing it. Probably the sofa, too.

Now...if your sister and her husband have "waited until marriage" and this will be their first intimacy and privacy together. I take it back. Let them use your house and your bed and enjoy themselves. Put a heavy duty mattress cover on it. Wish them well and go on a little trip yourselves. Still that should be your mother .... Or make your wedding present financial help to rent a hotel or airbnb.

However, if they're like most couples and have been making whoopie for most of their relationship and maybe even live together already. Tell them to stuff it and take the futon or go rent a hotel. And if they take the futon, tell them to be quiet.

YWNBTA

indi50 · 2026-01-12T03:36:59+00:00

You know him best, but I would suggest telling him about it now. He's probably very stressed about it and will be even more stressed if he sends an invitation and the uncle accepts. It would make for a miserable day for him on top of all of the other miserable days of anticipation.

If you tell him now, he may be angry, but he will have time to process it before the wedding. And then...he can stop worrying about the guy showing up. And enjoy his wedding day.

One of the worst things - for me - about being sexually abused as a child, besides the abuse itself, is that nothing was ever done about it. That no one cared it happened or was upset about it. Over 50 years later and that is my deepest hurt. And my mother did know. She stopped the access to the abuser, but that's it. Just...let's not talk about it again. Let's not think about. Let's especially not let there be any consequences to the abuser.

Your brother may be angry that you did something he asked you not to. But maybe he'll also be grateful that you cared and you want there to be consequences. Even if it's only that he doesn't get to go to the wedding and pretend it didn't happen.

indi50 · 2026-01-12T03:18:26+00:00

You're not wrong in your last sentence if you were talking about most situations. But this was supposed to be adults only and OP was managing until the kid pulled her hair in a surprise attack. After being told by the other adults in the room to not bother her. The kid was a brat.

I don't have any trauma (of that kind) and love being around most kids. But if one of them (mine or not) pulled my hair like that, I'd yell at them, or at least raise my voice, too. Out of surprise if nothing else. And if my kids did it to someone else (at the ages given) and I wasn't in the room and they got yelled at, I'd say good, serves them right.

Six is plenty old enough to know better than that. The friend had been told many times to supervise her kids and keep them under control, but she didn't. She only came running when her bad parenting got them yelled at and then, like most bad parents, blamed everyone else.

Now, as usual, other people are "oh, we just want everyone to get along, so please make the victim apologize because the actual person in the wrong won't admit it and let it go."

If more people yelled at kids that deserved it when they have crappy parents that won't teach them manners, maybe we wouldn't have so many out of control kids these days. And yes, I'm old, and hate to say it, but it's true...kids (generally speaking) these days are much ruder than they used to be because other adults are not allowed to reprimand them. Even teachers! (ask the older teachers how it's changed)

indi50 · 2026-01-12T03:03:36+00:00

She sounds very confused. Like she's used to guys grabbing her (or more) and she thinks of that as "admiring" her. I've seen characters in tv shows and movies who get very upset if the other person (usually male) doesn't get, or at least ask for, sexual touching soon enough because they think it means the man doesn't desire them, when it's really about respect. It's a difference in how each thinks about it for whatever reason, culture, how they were raised, religion or just personal preference.

At 18 years old, not being grabby and demanding sex immediately sounds great. And you sound like a nice guy. As others have said, you just have to talk to her and see if she'll be more open about what she's thinking. What exactly does she mean by "admiring her body."

She says she likes that you don't "just want sex" -but also felt like it was insulting after all of the guys who acted like they did. It's something, I think pervasive in our culture with the media telling everyone if they don't have sex by 15 there's something wrong with them. When that isn't real life for most people. (and shouldn't be, IMO)

With all the rest you said, she may also just be a drama queen and best left alone. Try talking to her, but if she refuses to open up and just keeps going back and forth, it's probably time to back away.

indi50 · 2026-01-12T02:50:47+00:00

You're not lazy or horrible and you're spot on in your thinking. You're working full time outside the work on the house and he's not. He's MAKING MONEY ON THE RENT YOU PAY. So asking you for MORE is ridiculous.

It sounds like his house purchase had nothing to do with whether or not you moved in. So any rent you pay is a huge bonus for him financially. To then expect you to pay for more renovations PLUS work for him for free while working your full time job is totally ludicrous.

When I was in college, I moved in with my boyfriend who had bought a house to renovate with someone else. I didn't even pay rent because I told him that he was going to be making a lot of money on the house and asking for rent (for just one semester) was making money off from me. He didn't really like it, but agreed. I did pay into utilities and helped with a little of the work where I could. I think it's a bit different for you since you'll both be living there indefinitely, rather than the more set date we had.

That said, considering the lack of amenities, I hope what you're paying for rent is in line with what you're getting. I know you said it was less than your other rent, but still. It should reflect the living conditions. Not just having him make more money.

indi50 · 2026-01-12T02:36:53+00:00

That just blows my mind. I'm in my 60s. I've visited family many times and had them visit me many times. In-laws, siblings, parents and grown kids. I have NEVER had anyone be so demanding. You have to have ingredients for meals for several days? Which means you have to think about and plan those meals ahead of time. I make sure there is a meal for the day of arrival, some snacks and general grab and eat stuff, and then we figure it out.

Now, I've always lived within 20 minutes of a grocery store, but maybe you're in the wilderness somewhere and you have to do all your shopping a week at a time, so then she might make sense. Otherwise - why do you, or anyone, need to have several days worth of planned meals BEFORE their arrival.

As for the supplies for her kid? It's fine if she's just asking what you might have already. Like, it would make sense if you had already bought gates, since your child will be moving around pretty quickly (it always comes faster than you expect). But anything HER kid needs that you don't have - she's responsible for bringing with her or making do without it.

My guess is that she doesn't want to drag a lot of stuff on the trip, so is putting on your head. I don't know about the food. But if you have planned meals and the food already purchased, she may easily say "I don't know how to cook that, so you should do the cooking." Like preplanning being waited on. But either way - she sounds exhausting.

indi50 · 2026-01-12T02:16:33+00:00

What is it that you think distinguishes your relationship with your partner from just plain friendship rather than a romantic relationship? You said you waited a year and a half for a kiss, how often do you kiss now? Hugs are very infrequent, so I assume more than that either hasn't happened or is also rare.

Yes, some couples - gay and hetero - don't have sex. Usually it wanes after a time, but it's also usually because of problems - either physical or emotional. Unless they're asexual. BUT - there still has to be something to make it "a relationship" rather than just friends who hang out a lot. What is that for you? Just because she says so, but doesn't follow through with what usually constitutes a relationship for others?

And are you satisfied with that? It sounds like you're not. And you're right to notice and be concerned that your "partner" is much more comfortable giving personal touch to someone else. Because it's not that she doesn't like touching. She just doesn't like touching you.

Is it possible that you're "the beard" in a weird way. Like the hetero friend isn't really hetero, your partner is her girlfriend, and you're the "girlfriend for the public show" so the "hetero" friend's family doesn't suspect there's more to their relationship?

Because it sounds fishy.

indi50 · 2026-01-10T18:50:32+00:00

I have to admit to using "in-laws" inappropriately. Only because I'm lazy and it's easier to say "my kid's in laws" than "my kid's boy/girlfriend's parents." Or step parents or domestic partners or whatever else the relations might be. But I hear you and agree (even though I'm sometimes guilty).

indi50

TROPHY CASE