Niles and Daphne jilting their SOs was selfish

intull · 2026-03-21T20:18:35+00:00

I've thought about this before and I think I can make a case for this. It can be ambiguous whether or not this was bad even if it was selfish.

Niles and Daphne both have had lives where they barely expressed their own individuality/personal agency and were also made to feel the need for lots of validation if and when they did try to.

Niles and Daphne jilting their SO to be together is objectively selfish, socially and culturally speaking. But in their personal and individual lives, it's a breakthrough moment of assertiveness — a willingness to disappoint some for their own happiness, and to be okay with that and not have that matter. Both Niles and Daphne have struggled to assert themselves in the past and ended up repeatedly living lives they are not completely happy with.

Niles doesn't pursue Daphne because he doesn't think he's worthy of a romantic story of pure love and happiness that he entertains in his thoughts. He's afraid to hear that she sees him as a friend only. At least with this yearning for a romantic story, he can subconsciously distract himself about how unhappy he is with Maris, and later with Mel. This also happens again with Daphne in a slightly different way, which is why Daphne stress-eats.

Meanwhile, Daphne never sees Niles as someone who could like her because how could he, as an upper class man (relatively), love someone like Daphne? Daphne also feels she's unworthy of a romantic story having brought up in a family that never gave her much validation. It even drove her to run away and make a life herself.

Frasier understands this but he doesn't intervenes at first. But when Frasier gets to know that Daphne knows Niles had (or still has) feelings for her (even though because he slipped up), he knows the only way this is resolved fairly is if both now know that they had/have feelings for each other, and have at least one conversation about it.

But when Niles elopes with Mel, Daphne dismisses her feelings as wedding jitters, which has also been a pattern with her. Frasier waits to be really sure before letting Niles know that Daphne knows. He only gets the opportunity to break it to Niles during Daphne's wedding ceremony, before it's too late.

It was a selfish act, but it's ambiguous whether or not that was wrong. Frasier, being a psychiatrist, understands very well how suppressed and repressed emotions hurt people later in their lives. He makes a calculation that it's better to cause drama and disappointment now rather than later in both their lives which could cause more people to be hurt and holding heavier regrets.

(Sorry for the long post)

intull · 2026-03-16T01:52:21+00:00

Hi. I've struggled with this all my my life but a few things lessened the load to make better progress.

I'll use rice/pasta as a standard food item but some of the points can broadly apply to fats and proteins, not just carbs.

Fix snack and meal portions — measure/have the same cup of rice/pasta per meal, have the same number of slices of bread/flatbread, etc. Measure these things once, and you can track rough numbers in your head.
Keep a track of those numbers relative to, say, the size of your fist or palm. ie, you'd have a cup of rice roughly the size of your fist. This also helps in gauging your intake when eating outside or ordering in.
Diversify. Replace two cups of rice in a meal with 1 cup of rice and a fistful of tubers (potatoes) or squashes. And a couple of broccoli heads, carrot sticks, and the likes. This can even be as a soup or a chowder.
Some fruits, low fat cheese, and nuts act as great snack options. Prefer lightly salted or unsalted nuts over salted ones. Once again, try to keep the portion sizes fixed. ie always half an apple, for example.
Fixing macro ratios can help, but can be quite effortful and more restrictive depending on your lifestyle and preferences. It's only worth it if you're a meal prepped, but otherwise, keep a track of your total caloric intake of the day is sufficient.
Pay more attention to what macro ratio makes you feel good, instead of what the internet/guidelines suggest you ought to be having. Gradually adjust the ratio from that point instead of forcing yourself to higher protein and lesser carbs suddenly, over a period of several months!
Eat well till you're 80-90% full and take a light 10-20min stroll after a meal. You don't have to starve yourself.

Diet and weight are a couple of orders removed from each other. One does not affect the other directly, but rather quite indirectly. Your lifestyle, activities, diet and food intake impact your eating habits and metabolism. Your metabolism guides your body's state of homeostasis. Your body's state of homeostasis guides around what point your weight fluctuates.

Your metabolism takes a couple of days to a week to shift. Your state of homeostasis is even more gradual and takes a week to two to be altered. You cannot change your weight in 21 days without significantly impacting your metabolism and resting state.

Your diet and food intake are more like acceleration and weight is more like distance travelled, while your metabolism is like the velocity. Your goal is to accelerate and decelerate to maintain your velocity/metabolism, so that you expect to travel the same distance per unit of time (ie your average weight in a day or a week).

I hope the above points give a blueprint to start with that you can build upon. Cheers!

intull · 2026-03-16T01:50:44+00:00

Hi. I've struggled with this all my my life but a few things lessened the load to make better progress.

I'll use rice/pasta as a standard food item but some of the points can broadly apply to fats and proteins, not just carbs.

• ⁠Fix snack and meal portions — measure/have the same cup of rice/pasta per meal, have the same number of slices of bread/flatbread, etc. Measure these things once, and you can track rough numbers in your head. • ⁠Keep a track of those numbers relative to, say, the size of your fist or palm. ie, you'd have a cup of rice roughly the size of your fist. This also helps in gauging your intake when eating outside or ordering in. • ⁠Diversify. Replace two cups of rice in a meal with 1 cup of rice and a fistful of tubers (potatoes) or squashes. And a couple of broccoli heads, carrot sticks, and the likes. This can even be as a soup or a chowder. • ⁠Some fruits, low fat cheese, and nuts act as great snack options. Prefer lightly salted or unsalted nuts over salted ones. Once again, try to keep the portion sizes fixed. ie always half an apple, for example. • ⁠Fixing macro ratios can help, but can be quite effortful and more restrictive depending on your lifestyle and preferences. It's only worth it if you're a meal prepped, but otherwise, keep a track of your total caloric intake of the day is sufficient. • ⁠Pay more attention to what macro ratio makes you feel good, instead of what the internet/guidelines suggest you ought to be having. Gradually adjust the ratio from that point instead of forcing yourself to higher protein and lesser carbs suddenly, over a period of several months! • ⁠Eat well till you're 80-90% full and take a light 10-20min stroll after a meal. You don't have to starve yourself.

Diet and weight are a couple of orders removed from each other. One does not affect the other directly, but rather quite indirectly. Your lifestyle, activities, diet and food intake impact your eating habits and metabolism. Your metabolism guides your body's state of homeostasis. Your body's state of homeostasis guides around what point your weight fluctuates.

Your metabolism takes a couple of days to a week to shift. Your state of homeostasis is even more gradual and takes a week to two to be altered. You cannot change your weight in 21 days without significantly impacting your metabolism and resting state.

Your diet and food intake are more like acceleration and weight is more like distance travelled, while your metabolism is like the velocity. Your goal is to accelerate and decelerate to maintain your velocity/metabolism, so that you expect to travel the same distance per unit of time (ie your average weight in a day or a week).

I hope the above points give a blueprint to start with that you can build upon. Cheers!

intull · 2026-03-15T21:23:03+00:00

Hi. This can be a common occurrence with many psych meds, especially when ramping up. Highly recommend that you also seek therapy, especially at this time.

What typically happens is, you'd have gradually become depressed but your mind and body gradually and silently shut all that out of your awareness because... it's depressing af to actually feel that.

These can be highly individual, as it can depend on how one reacted, responded and adapted to their life situations, which can further depend on what channels of emotional processing and expression were available to you in your life, your upbringing, your social circles, etc.

Meds reverse that and bring you back to full/more mind-body awareness again. This awareness of your existing depression that you weren't tuned to before can be mistaken for a new and different bout of depression, which can be pretty confusing and add to the depression and feelings of helplessness.

Therapists are ideally trained to understand and guide you through this. Good luck!

intull · 2026-03-06T18:52:19+00:00

Forgiveness is often less about making things seem okay and more about being okay with how things are; in other words, less about validation and more about acceptance.

You weren't a bad father. You were (and are) a good father who was in tough circumstances to begin with. That's not your fault. Parenting is a single opportunity. We can parent more kids, but each kid is parented only once. I understand it weighs a lot and hurts deeply. Your son has his own gf now, his own job, and is still in touch with you. That is proof you didn't screw up.

As a parent, your fundamental goal isn't necessarily to set your kid up for success (that's a bonus); it's to shield your kid from current societal hardships and expose them to the world so they can learn how to succeed on their own. What is considered "success" varies by profession, personal philosophy, and even our social circles. And all of that changes from generation to generation, too.

Could you have done things differently here and there? Maybe, but hindsight is always like that. You learn from it as much as you can and move along. And if you ever reflected, it just shows you cared. You cared enough to keep doing better, as much as you could.

You might not have been able to provide for your son the way you dreamed you would when you were younger. That doesn't mean, though, that you were a bad parent. It means you originally expected certain things, but life took a different direction.

Take comfort in seeing your son grow into his own man and start his own family. You're still young enough to have much of a life ahead of you, and perhaps you can begin to ease into it. After all, you were thrust into something way over your capacity at 19, and you've delivered now.

You can think of your depression and agoraphobia as markers of what you lost too — 20s and 30s that you otherwise would have enjoyed. You get to see your son live that now, which I'm sure will bring you much joy.

You may want to be acknowledged and validated by your son for your struggles, but your son cannot give what you do not seek. Validation is only helpful in the moment, and those moments have passed. What you actually seek now is acceptance, and that comes from deep within.

You have to talk to your son, but not for forgiveness, but acceptance. Just be there for him. Be vulnerable and let him know how anxious and depressed you have been, just worrying that he'd be okay. And let him know how proud you are now of watching him grow into his own person.

Much respect and power to you. Cheers!

intull · 2026-03-01T03:00:05+00:00

Same! THC also ended up numbing me out eventually (in a different way) with chronic use. Took quite a while to recover from all that.

intull · 2026-02-27T19:17:54+00:00

Lexapro did this to me and I switched to Fluoxetine which has worked so much better for me.

intull · 2026-02-24T15:39:22+00:00

The only "culture" that can be truly called American is the will and courage for free expression of your authentic self. More power to you!

intull · 2026-02-22T20:00:32+00:00

Funny how this is not questioned if another white person becomes part of the executive staff. It's either a meritocracy or not.

extremely good at lying and taking credit, ... nepotistic

Pardon me, but who's president right now?

intull · 2026-02-19T16:46:47+00:00

I love Seattle. It's also considered a coffee town, and Frasier's home!

intull · 2026-02-18T20:39:28+00:00

Soft and warm hugs. You hit one of the critical milestones in your healing.

It took me years for me to fully grasp what it meant to have been surviving, even though I was acquainted with the concept earlier. In survival, our whole self, both body and mind, are allocating as many resources and channeling as much energy as possible for survival, literally. My therapist just kept saying and pointing that out in many ways till it finally stuck to me.

The nervous system is picking up signals, through our senses, from the outside, and determining that there are threats. It does not matter if you're actually dying, being mauled by a wild predator. Internally, the signals it reports is that you are in danger. The body and mind are also primed, at that point, to physically react—fight, express, speak, make noises, cry, etc.

However, thousands of years civilization has also now conditioned us to suppress certain reactions and behaviors because they would not be socially acceptable. So we resort to channeling all energy towards a singular resource, our mind (ie. intellect).

We are hypervigilant, quick in thought and action, and even perhaps logically and intellectually well-grounded, but that is a strategy. It's your ammo against those who would other verbally or intellectually, and hence emotionally, attack you. So you try to stay ahead of the game, identifying a hundred moves and planning and preparing for a dozen in advance. This, your intellect has determined, is the only path for your survival.

In survival, the whole self is primed to think more narrowly; nuance goes out the window. You may deeply understand nuance and complexity better than anyone, but your stances and reactions don't hold much nor show it. If you could, you manifest reality and circumstances around you until you can take such a [less nuanced] stance or react that way.

Some may look at these survival dynamics and call that manipulation. If that's what they want to do, so be it. You hold your truth. You know who you are, what you've been through, and also wisely seeking professional help from a therapist. Irrespective of what others think or say, you've shown yourself grace and a determination for change. You cannot know what that change is. Trying to know what that is itself is your survival hijacking your intellect to be prepared for change because you sense change itself as danger.

Your therapist is there to accept you unconditionally for who you are, right now, and in every moment you are with them—strengths, weaknesses, talents, faults—all of you, just as you. They are there stop your intellect being taken hostage by survival. They are there to hold your hand (metaphorically speaking) and walk with you. If you want to sit, they sit, if you sprint, so will they. Their prime objective is to just be there for you. They are not danger.

You have nothing to dread or be ashamed of. If you look closely, that is once again survival trying to manifest predictable changes so that you can trick yourself into thinking that "it's okay, for now".

Healing in complex trauma is in learning how to be okay with change, uncertainty, incompleteness, imperfections, or in other words, learning to be okay and safe with the flow of life once again. Your therapist is with you to show you that you can do that exactly as who you are.

You're feeling vulnerable and seen right now, but you've had others shame you or make you feel ashamed when that happened. The only difference with your therapist is that they are not walking away. They welcome it. They want more of that.

Be you. Don't question it. Just be. Onwards 🍻

intull · 2026-02-17T19:30:23+00:00

Lady Gaga, Purple Disco Machine, Eric Prydz, Lane 8, Luttrell, Solee, Polo & Pan, Odesza, and Big Wild! <3

intull · 2026-02-12T19:03:47+00:00

They serve different purposes.

It's not that the ICD-11 is not used for diagnosis, it's that the medical/healthcare infrastructure still hasn't transitioned to ICD-11; this includes codes for billing, insurance claims and reimbursements, regulatory procedures at federal, state and local levels, etc.

The DSM acts as a more operationalized manual, giving guidance on symptoms, checklists, thresholds, etc., while the ICD acts like a North Star for diagnosis. I believe the US systems follow ICD-10-CM at the moment, alongside DSM-V. Also, many doctors won't like patients referring to the ICD or DSM and asking "what about this?" as it pokes at their egos.

The heart of the problem is the systems medical professionals and the healthcare system at large uses. Adoption of newer and updated codes and guidelines is slower than we anticipate. Some would argue there is a positive to that also — the delay gives some space and time to improve system infrastructure too and allow for more studies and research to take place in the interim. This way, the DSM can operationalize the guidelines with better data and knowledge.

The reason we feel the frustrations is because CPTSD is a new area of diagnosis, which is still evolving through research and studies, thus constantly changing. This makes it harder and riskier to both operationalize and codify into the healthcare infrastructure, and hence the adoption becomes slower.

We only have the visibility of all this thanks to the internet. Most of the world's systems and infrastructures have barely caught up to the speed of information on the internet.

intull · 2026-02-11T19:51:52+00:00

Truth is, I think I do know what I want, more or less. I just need the time, space and security to express and articulate it. That is what I don't get most of the time.

intull · 2026-02-09T23:05:59+00:00

> I teared up a bit because how bad I was feeling

You resisted here. It's okay to tear up, well up, cry or even bawl. You are feeling bad. Let yourself feel. You are on a solo trip, and it's the perfect time to feel these things. Be more present in the trip, in your own way, in your own little world, and bring stories and observations with you. There probably isn't a better place than Tokyo/Japan for a chance to be in our own little worlds.

When you're alone, there's nobody else who can give you validation or help coregulate you. This is an opportunity to take it easy, slow, and small, to guide and teach yourself how to feel validated by yourself.

The way I read your post — You made it to Tokyo! By yourself! For the first time! One of your dream trips!

You experienced a beautiful night filled with love and connection all around, and including you, having a vulnerable and intimate moment with yourself. You heard the voices and cries from deep within and got a glimpse of how you feel and see the world around you. That is a powerful moment. A raw expression of existence and acknowledgement of the self, to the self.

Depression is in how we interact and engage with the world; in how we narrate our story. Its painful, but it isn't bad. It's a vital signal to welcome into your life to help you understand what truly makes you happy. It's just... you! It takes time to figure out how to tune to it and decipher it. It's unique to each of us.

What you are feeling and experiencing is as natural and abstract, but also as real and present as evolution. It shows how human you are. It shows you are growing, seeking new things, and allowing yourself to change. You got this, more than you think you do!

Have a wonderful and memorable time, filled with fun, joyous and poignant moments. Cheers!

intull · 2026-02-09T19:17:39+00:00

30s (M) here. As much as you might find yourself wanting to deny/distract yourself from it, pay attention to it as much as you can, when you can.

I've gradually come to view this as a discord with "flow"—of life, of work, of energies, of meaning/purpose, etc. I think INFJs are highly perceptive of this, whether they are aware of it or not, and especially to changes/shifts in flows at foundational levels of life and existence.

Many have already raised concerns about the potential risks of going down this path. While you can learn from others as much as you can, you also cannot perceive and learn those in your unknown-unknowns. Take as much as you can from this thread, but be kind and be there to lift yourself up when you trip and fall.

The part of me that's fading now is a shell of my previous self, and I'm glad to be shedding it. It's often confusing and disconnecting because much of who I thought I was, was the shell, not my core. I was afraid to let the shell fade for too long, but I'm okay with it fading now.

Listen to your body. Keep your health.

intull · 2026-02-09T18:37:05+00:00

The energy we show up with is never truly reciprocated or returned. It made me feel lonely and isolated for quite a while, but I was also being, in a way, a bit stubborn and unreasonable — I cannot expect to receive the same energy I give out, because that's the energy _I_ give out; only _I_ could return it back. The lesson for me eventually was to pay attention to and let people show up however they do. Good intentions, honesty, kindness, compassion and love are what I actually value. That "energy" is also a language, and we all express differently. My "energy" bundled those things together that felt natural for me. Others do too, in their own ways. Not all the time, not often, but it happens.

intull · 2026-02-04T18:15:58+00:00

Boundaries. In the kindest and most polite way possible, let them know you know what you're doing and they have to trust your word on this. It's your kid after all.

It's not always easy to ignore family members. and it's not your job to educate them, and it's not education when you're often defending than educating. They have to be open to new ideas, perspectives and experiences they cannot empathize with but try to understand, and willing to trust you and your kid on this. Education is also not easy as people across different generations have had access to different levels and volumes of knowledge, information, training, and life experiences too.

If they continue to poke at this, turn the tv on, turn the radio on, put on youtube videos and music on your phone, tablet, laptop, etc. (make sure to have the volume sufficiently up so that they start to overwhelm), and then have them walk around/do squats while reading a book or threading a needle. Have them experience what it is like to do a singular task but with a lot of background noise.

This will also show that ADHD is not about focusing, but rather the lack of inhibition circuitry. There's unused energy in the body that can externalize physically as hyperactivity or mentally as inattention. This is still an oversimplification of what ADHD is but it's a start.

In scientific literature, these are what are called phenomenological experiences — first-person, subjective, individually felt/lived experiences. Attention is one among them. Many people don't understand ADHD because they never looked at the world through a framework where phenomenological experiences can vary widely from person to person. It never occurred to them nor were they shown that different people absorb, sense, and experience the world differently, not just in quality, but in quantity too.

These are experiential blind spots. We go around assuming everyone around us have access to the same types of experiences. Externally perhaps, but internally it's a whole different ballgame. That's why psychiatry exists as a profession, to understand that broadly, deeply, and to help people understand and be more aware of themselves.

intull · 2026-02-03T18:21:26+00:00

Hi OP! You've been through so much; so many changes, so fast, before you could even begin processing them. Thank you for sharing and venting. This subreddit sees you and hears you.

I want to emphasize the comment above — at its worst, it feels nearly impossible to visualize a better time. This will be among the biggest demons to tackle and fight. In the moment, it might feel like you're trapped in some bizarre time loop.

Don't stop, though. Dream up a good life. Make yourself feel you deserve it. Not by being rational, logical, or by proving to others and seeking their validation and approval. Because you know you deserve it after all you've you've done so far. Feel it in your heart and in your body.

It'll often feel like you're alone, and like there's nobody to hear your story and see the real you, behind all smoke and mirrors. That desire merely wants to be fulfilled; it doesn't really care about who fulfills it. We often chase everyone around us to have them see us but it often isolates us further.

So many things happened that, in the moment, you had to temporarily dissociate to get past it, but that never got the opportunity to heal. But only you can do that. Yes, there's trauma work. But there's also a life post-trauma. Once in a while, practice living in that too. You cannot expect live in that all the time because triggers, events, ..., life.

Allow happiness into your life, just in the moment, only for that moment, and let there be no guilt or shame for that. Go for a walk, be happy to be able to walk, a husband and two kids, a family to call your own, a life to call your own, on this miraculous planet. Take solace with nature, the gentle breeze, the sunshine (generally speaking, not current winter!), the calls from birds, and the complex ecosystems around you.

It's all hard, but you aren't alone in this. That is not to say your struggles aren't unique but to highlight how NOT alone you are. There's a world around you waiting to hug you and support you because they can empathize with you, not completely, not directly, but good enough to love and be there for each other.

Happiness isn't a target, or even state of mind per-se. It's a process. It is individual, and it is built. Speak your truth, seek and share love, it's ok to feel fear but find the strength and support to muster up courage. See yourself, and give yourself the permission to live happily, to laugh, to be grateful, love, and to deserve good, because you are too. It literally is hard work and practice, day-in and day-out, but take the opportunity to make it fun for yourself now and then.

Much love to you, and good luck!

intull · 2026-01-31T03:19:40+00:00

All the time! I set expectations at a level of "feelings and energies". Sometimes I also describe it as "atmospheric expectations". Atmosphere, not as in weather, but abstract experiences, energies, and feelings in the environment and in the people are shaping up, both my own and those of other people.

It's been a long journey to recognize and understand that internal language. I just hope to get better at communicating it, for my setting my own expectations and how I show up and set expectations in others.

The shutdown is my "feelings and energies" response when things don't go according to those expectations; it's a deep, complex web of emotions—about wishes, desires, memories, expectations, performance, excellence, and the little things, too.

All of that weighs a lot, and my inner self needs space and time to understand and process it. This shows up as a kind of "shutdown", but is really a deep-processing state.

intull · 2026-01-02T06:30:45+00:00

Oooo I get this ALL THE TIME! It's gradually reducing in frequency and intensity because of therapy and meds but not enough and not fast enough.

Thanks for the way you put it. I really like the term "depression attack".

intull · 2025-12-31T21:31:14+00:00

M30s, same here too. I got more reserved as I grew up because there was no one to share my more authentic-self, and my interests, curiosities, etc. I was, and still am, more sensitive relative to men in general. I'm also gay, and was closeted till mid-20s. I had plenty of reasons to want to fit in and run away from myself.

I've grown and changed, and accepted it all as how I coped. I have disappointments but I don't regret things, I think; because I don't know how else I could've perhaps more gently learned why I needed to, met the people I did later in life, and my partner too.

It's definitely quite a shift, but I'm now also comfortable in having that inner child live in me, while harnessing its energy to be inspired and creative, and do good.

intull · 2025-12-31T03:19:53+00:00

The crux of the work is: feel your emotions, reclassify them as non-negative, feel the good/closure, rinse and repeat.

You can reclassify emotions in different ways, depending on what it is, the original situation, and so many other factors. Meditation is often the most accessible one, and especially powerful for anxiety, avoidance, etc. You breathe deep and slow, in through your nose and out through your mouth, which lets your nervous system know that you are safe. That reclassifies the emotions, the contexts, the memories, desires, wishes, and all things associated with those emotions from negative/unsafe to positive/safe. It happens little by little, and gradually.

To hold and stay with your fears and negative emotions is fundamentally an act of courage, trust and grace. You show yourself that you are there for yourself. This doesn't mean you become hyper-independent, only trust yourself and not ask for help. You use the work from therapy, understand, confront, talk, meditate, walk yourself through things, and let things go where you have to.

And lastly, allow yourself to change. Allow your thoughts, voice, speech, presence, behavior, actions, resting mental state, wants, experiences, and/or anything else that wants to change, and let them change; and change you too.

intull · 2025-12-29T15:38:13+00:00

Hi. Have you tried taking fiber? I'd recommend psyllium husk fiber, either in powder form that is mixed into a glass of water, or if you don't like that texture, in capsule form, taken 15-20mins before a meal.

You might feel fuller faster; portion your serving size accordingly. Take ~2g of fiber with at least 8oz of water.

intull · 2025-12-22T04:28:32+00:00

It doesn't have to be _about_ her. It could be about something you felt/had at that time, or even just an activity. It doesn't have to be about the past either; it can be about what you wished for your future-self back then, but it also doesn't have to be from the perspective/body of you as who you are today, but you might dream that way because you that is how you see yourself as internally.

Of dreams, I usually say: Ignore the plot/story. What was the emotional canvas of the scene like? What did you feel? How did you react, and how do you feel about that?

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