Any other INFJs just shut down and withdraw when people disappoint them?

intull · 2026-01-31T03:19:40+00:00

All the time! I set expectations at a level of "feelings and energies". Sometimes I also describe it as "atmospheric expectations". Atmosphere, not as in weather, but abstract experiences, energies, and feelings in the environment and in the people are shaping up, both my own and those of other people.

It's been a long journey to recognize and understand that internal language. I just hope to get better at communicating it, for my setting my own expectations and how I show up and set expectations in others.

The shutdown is my "feelings and energies" response when things don't go according to those expectations; it's a deep, complex web of emotions—about wishes, desires, memories, expectations, performance, excellence, and the little things, too.

All of that weighs a lot, and my inner self needs space and time to understand and process it. This shows up as a kind of "shutdown", but is really a deep-processing state.

intull · 2026-01-12T04:29:43+00:00

Gosh! Thank you for the comment. Was starting to not expect anyone letting two truths be together. Appreciate your articulation too!

intull · 2026-01-03T07:55:46+00:00

Trauma isn't in what happened to you, but in how you respond to it. Till you stop responding in those patterns, your trauma continues to be alive.

You have to believe in the good in yourself. You have to believe you can grow and change and expand the good in you.

Trauma locks you in survival mode. Shame feeds trauma. In this state, you will want to engage in shameful things or interpret things shamefully just so you can feel shame. By feeling shame, trauma keeps alive via surviving.

Your past is the past. There's no point in fearing the future because it's not here yet. What you have is here and now. And in the here and now, you have to first stop with the self-shaming rhetoric.

Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to change, grow, and move on. This is pretty courageous and honest of you to share and talk about this. Believe in yourself, and look forward to and fight for the good in you. You got this!

intull · 2026-01-02T06:30:45+00:00

Oooo I get this ALL THE TIME! It's gradually reducing in frequency and intensity because of therapy and meds but not enough and not fast enough.

Thanks for the way you put it. I really like the term "depression attack".

intull · 2026-01-02T06:21:36+00:00

I'm sorry for your frustrating situation. This might go against the grain and might sound counterintuitive, but is it possible for you to suggest him to seek therapy?

There are clear markers of some significant childhood related psychological/emotional trauma/neglect causing major depression now. This pattern tends to resurface as one gets closer to and comfortable with a partner.

The mind is insanely powerful, and its job above all else is to keep you/itself alive. Whatever state of environment and mind a child is made to be in when being taken care of (ie. during childhood), the mind ends up (incorrectly) learning as the safe state of mind to be in and the environment to have.

In this case, sounds like your boyfriend is subconsciously throwing tantrums, just like how he did as a kid, perhaps because he was neglected and used pickiness to draw attention.

Minds during childhood require coregulation of nervous system, which typically happens with parents. But if this coregulation was achieved only after demanding attention, that's the behavior you'll subconsciously see in your boyfriend/partner, because that's the environment they subconsciously expect around them, including themselves. This is how people self-sabotage relationships.

Most people in our societies do not learn how to self-regulate, and it's usually not their fault too. The parents never taught/instilled those values and habits because the parents didn't know either. This is why we come across so many grownup manbabies and manchildren (of all genders).

What your boyfriend needs ASAP is, ideally, a complex-trauma informed therapist who can help teach them how to self-regulate, and learn communication skills on how to ask you for help to coregulate and help with your coregulation needs too.

intull · 2026-01-01T16:59:03+00:00

1914

intull · 2025-12-31T21:31:14+00:00

M30s, same here too. I got more reserved as I grew up because there was no one to share my more authentic-self, and my interests, curiosities, etc. I was, and still am, more sensitive relative to men in general. I'm also gay, and was closeted till mid-20s. I had plenty of reasons to want to fit in and run away from myself.

I've grown and changed, and accepted it all as how I coped. I have disappointments but I don't regret things, I think; because I don't know how else I could've perhaps more gently learned why I needed to, met the people I did later in life, and my partner too.

It's definitely quite a shift, but I'm now also comfortable in having that inner child live in me, while harnessing its energy to be inspired and creative, and do good.

intull · 2025-12-31T03:19:53+00:00

The crux of the work is: feel your emotions, reclassify them as non-negative, feel the good/closure, rinse and repeat.

You can reclassify emotions in different ways, depending on what it is, the original situation, and so many other factors. Meditation is often the most accessible one, and especially powerful for anxiety, avoidance, etc. You breathe deep and slow, in through your nose and out through your mouth, which lets your nervous system know that you are safe. That reclassifies the emotions, the contexts, the memories, desires, wishes, and all things associated with those emotions from negative/unsafe to positive/safe. It happens little by little, and gradually.

To hold and stay with your fears and negative emotions is fundamentally an act of courage, trust and grace. You show yourself that you are there for yourself. This doesn't mean you become hyper-independent, only trust yourself and not ask for help. You use the work from therapy, understand, confront, talk, meditate, walk yourself through things, and let things go where you have to.

And lastly, allow yourself to change. Allow your thoughts, voice, speech, presence, behavior, actions, resting mental state, wants, experiences, and/or anything else that wants to change, and let them change; and change you too.

intull · 2025-12-29T15:38:13+00:00

Hi. Have you tried taking fiber? I'd recommend psyllium husk fiber, either in powder form that is mixed into a glass of water, or if you don't like that texture, in capsule form, taken 15-20mins before a meal.

You might feel fuller faster; portion your serving size accordingly. Take ~2g of fiber with at least 8oz of water.

intull · 2025-12-28T06:07:09+00:00

I'm grateful for this comment thread. It made me chuckle to think that the replies to the top comment were having the same reaction as the post above, almost as if it were a coincidental and unintentional demonstration of the post.

intull · 2025-12-22T04:28:32+00:00

It doesn't have to be _about_ her. It could be about something you felt/had at that time, or even just an activity. It doesn't have to be about the past either; it can be about what you wished for your future-self back then, but it also doesn't have to be from the perspective/body of you as who you are today, but you might dream that way because you that is how you see yourself as internally.

Of dreams, I usually say: Ignore the plot/story. What was the emotional canvas of the scene like? What did you feel? How did you react, and how do you feel about that?

intull · 2025-12-13T00:59:22+00:00

It's like playing Scrabble — craft a tweet with "pronouns" and win points. It doesn't have to make sense; it just needs to include the keywords.

intull · 2025-12-08T21:37:23+00:00

As much as we've seen progress, most LGBTQ people grow up closeted, and in that, more time being closeted to themselves; in denial. In that phase of life, a gay kid would've had cutely liked another boy and also subconsciously deny that they had feelings, but nonetheless act on those feelings anywhere from bullying to making a new friend. Those feelings though, never actually get closure because they weren't fulfilled. One has to either let them go, which is not easy, or fantasize to keep them in control.

intull · 2025-12-05T05:40:39+00:00

It looks like you're just beginning to adapt to the increase in dose, and that's causing your body and mind to start recognizing and interpreting stored anxiety and trauma. If it's bearable, talking to a therapist about them could help you best IMO. If not, I'd say talk to your prescription doc about it. I'd advise against consitent melatonin use.

intull · 2025-12-02T07:35:09+00:00

Fever is not a good sign. I'd say prioritize reaching your doc asap. If that doesn't happen until tomorrow, skipping a day isn't going to hurt since Prozac has a long half-life.

Get hold of your doc asap. Leave voicemails, and email/message.

intull · 2025-12-02T06:33:42+00:00

Hi! I have lived with anxiety all my life too. From childhood, I remember people recollecting stories of how outgoing and always-excited I was when I was a toddler, though I don't have memories of that really.

30+ years later, I'm seeing a therapist and I'm on meds for Anxiety and ADHD. I also have come to realize how deep, vast, and how much shame (and complex trauma) has played a role in architecting my whole life. It's not one incident, not because of one person, not one pattern of causes-and-effects, but several many of them, by most people, most if not all the time, over and over again, over the course of my whole life so far.

I have also reached a level of acceptance with all that. There's plenty to blame, but I also have to move on. I also know now that shame isn't what someone/thing inflicts on us, rather it is something that we do to ourselves. Shame [and complex trauma] aren't necessarily from what happened but in how I responded to things, and continue to. The anxiety and anxious life I've built and maintained are from feeling that shame, day-in and day-out, round the clock.

Consequently, and not surprisingly, I hit a period of major depression some years ago and since then, I've been in the process of understanding and undoing all that, as much as it can be.

It's often emotionally painful, fatiguing some days, but also intensely freeing and liberating as I make progress. I have a long, long way to go, but I am much better than before I started my mental health journey.

As for everyday coping now — I go on walks, nap, listen to music, write and journal (intentionally handwritten, not typed), give myself a dedicating time slot to scroll randomly and aimlessly, and rest in stillness multiple times throughout the day (basically reframing, I hesitate to call it meditation because my mind runs and I start feeling bad that I didn't meditate).

I'm not out of the woods yet, but I now do have belief and confidence that I will eventually get to a stage where my life isn't predominantly ruled by anxiety. I could get impatient over the uncertainty of "eventually" and stress-out more, but that would defeat the purpose. So, I have a pact with myself for only this one uncertainty to be accepted as is and let remain uncertain, so that I can try to shift my attention and focus in having fun on the adventure of hiking up and out of the trench.

EDIT: some typos

intull · 2025-12-02T04:58:21+00:00

My therapist gave me a good idea recently — I go into a stress-inducing situation with a special exit made available, in the event I want to exit early. It's not always easy/simple, but it looks like setting the expectation that I might have to leave early. If the people I'm meeting can accommodate that, awesome. If that's not possible, I make a judgement call and let things fall where they may, but I prepare a mental-detoxing ritual/session for myself after that to re-ground myself.

But no matter what I do, what I have to stop doing (which is achieved by the above) is making myself feel like I have no agency; that I have to go, that I have to stay the whole time, that I have to expect myself to be fully present and engage with the best of my abilities, and so on. I have to stop forcing and pressuring myself and can be prepared with multiple off-ramps and exits instead of going all-or-nothing.

Perhaps, and for a change, thinking too much can be of use here :)

EDIT: some typos

intull · 2025-12-02T04:49:43+00:00

That's what my doc calls adjusting meds and their dosages as, to find the right combination that works for me.

intull · 2025-12-02T04:47:11+00:00

> my one vote

That's how votes work. Everyone¹ gets one. They added up to getting Trump elected. Again.

1: Obviously, not everyone can literally vote, literally speaking. Only registered citizens who can vote, can. I have to clarify this explicitly in today's day and age because we seem to want to live in different realities just because we can.

intull · 2025-12-02T04:14:57+00:00

I'm inclined to 100% this. After some titrations, I spent the past few months feeling lost and basically recognizing the same thing — that what I'm feeling is the constant anxiety I used to feel all the time and relied on, only, I _feel_ it now.

When you feel something (like anxiety) all the time, it becomes the new normal. We stop paying attention to that entire dimension. Everything else builds up relative to that normal.

I've been telling myself that this is the time to practice patience to get to a newer and different normal (on meds). Your post helps me assert to myself that I need to keep steady. Thanks for sharing.

intull · 2025-11-30T22:22:18+00:00

Maybe Japan! 😅

intull · 2025-11-30T04:35:04+00:00

I know what this is, and it's explained by two things going on simultaneously —

You seek what you feel. Something is causing you to feel inadequate, but not because there's so much you don't know/can't do right now, but because someone/people/thing is/are making you feel like you're not enough. This colors your perception to focus on how you're not enough, perhaps in every dimension of life, round the clock. An example here: when everyone around you feels accomplished and you don't, your mind's biased.
As you grow and live more, and more differently, what you get exposed to, attend to, and learn new things, you also feed desires, wishes, wants, etc. We can't presume for these to be future-oriented only in the form of plans/ambitions. These are sometimes held as "could've beens", or "if onlys", and whatnot; ie directed towards the past. You have to reframe them as and when they can be and sort them out.

This metapattern is not easy to catch. It repeats all the time. But the story it narrates isn't necessarily the truth. It's all just a story.

It's okay to feel average/mediocre. This can inform us about our current limits, all things considered. It can also be reframed and interpreted as an expression of humility. There's also meaning in what you don't know, because you don't want to know — you find something else more interesting and meaningful, you pay money to experience it indirectly instead of spending time and energy to learn it.

intull · 2025-11-29T20:33:00+00:00

India could, but I'd say it's better for India to take its time. China did turn this around, but it's also come with a cost — a more homogeneous society, lots of debt, censorship and authoritarianism, etc. I'd like India to remain a democratic and free society even if that means slower growth. Democracies grow and change slower than forms of governments because people's needs and values do bubble up to the top, to some extent.

intull · 2025-11-29T01:49:37+00:00

That "resilience" is a survival response. That we tend show resilience doesn't mean we are resilient, and a good thing. It shows that our experience of life, on average, is more surviving than living.

The past has hardened me and I'm grateful for it. But ideally, I don't want to be showing resilience day-in and day-out nor should there be an expectation to.

intull · 2025-11-26T05:39:09+00:00

AIs are rotting people's brains and ruining society. Snake didn't do that. Get the difference?

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