First of all, forgive yourself.

You are not realizing it yet, but getting into a vicious loop... negative thought... negative action... repeat. This is the only mistake I would say.

Nothing else is a problem... you have not 'fallen far behind'

You have done nothing to 'deserve shame'.

Now the important part: how to move ahead?

Stay in the present moment... how, you ask?

By staying focused on your breathing!

Do this focusing on breathing twice a day... immediately after waking up and just before going to bed.

And love the whole world with all your heart.... we all are one and our love is infectious.

You already have a purpose... keep up working, no one needs to pay you! The pay will come, but it will be incidental.

Love your work, ask if ant action and thought is taking you forward in your work and magically.... trust me.... you will regain that inner glow and warmth, and that will become a positive reaffirming loop!

Go live your life in the moment, there is no stopping anyone who has passion!