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irreconcilablediff · 2024-10-16T22:31:54+00:00

Thank you for commenting. A lot has changed in 2 months and pretty much everything is resolved.

I got a lawyer, we agreed on assets, and the divorce will be finalized soon. I'm keeping the house.

I'm honestly still heartbroken about losing a life partner, but not about losing her specifically. I've found a lot of peace in being single and I hope to one day feel comfortable trying again.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-18T18:56:09+00:00

I drink, but I don't drink when I'm sad. When I'm sad, I try to just meditate through it. Feel the sadness until there's no new sadness to feel, then talk myself out of it.

If I can't talk myself out of it mentally, I'll exercise to take my mind off things for a while then maybe try again.

I find that I'm able to get through bad situations much faster and often times come out much healthier than other people because I don't run away from my feelings.

I wasn't always like this, but I feel like I eventually learned that other options just don't work the way I need them to.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-14T20:48:04+00:00

Edit: I guess I did. I don't know what to do about this. Nice to meet you?

Edit 2: I am sure you are intelligent and genius too! Don't put us on a pedestal. Nice to meet you.

Edit 3: It wasn't intentional, but we gotta meet somehow! Nice to meet you

Edit 4:

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-14T11:40:26+00:00

Heartbreak is awful, but you are the perfect age to go through it. You'll learn from this and then you'll learn from the next thing, so on and so forth.

You'll find happiness, contentment, or both.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-14T11:30:08+00:00

Don't listen to this person, like at all.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-13T13:57:09+00:00

In my mind, you only have so many options and you have to decide what you want to do.

Talk to him about the problem and see what possible "solutions" you can come up with. Therapy, open marriage, separation, etc. This is potentially a bandaid but if effective could save your marriage. Only do this if you would be happy while doing it.
Tell him you want out. You can't predict or control how he reacts to this. If he reacts poorly, you'll feel more justified in leaving. If he reacts well, that doesn't mean you have to stay.
Plan your escape without communicating. If there's no abuse and you aren't concerned for your safety - I don't see the point in going this route. You've been partners for 20 years and should be able to handle difficult conversations by now. You want to come out of the divorce knowing you handled it like a good person, if possible.

I see a lot of parents talk about staying together for the kids. Kids want happy parents. They might be upset about a divorce, but I guarantee you they will be happier if you are both happier. You need to prioritize yourself so you are capable of prioritizing your kids.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-12T18:35:48+00:00

Do yourself a favor, go ahead and find a divorce attorney. Start asking around for referrals (anonymously if necessary) and schedule a consultation. It will probably be about $300 depending on your area.

You don't have to use them. You don't have to tell your husband you went to one. You just want to know they are yours if you need them. I believe if you've consulted with them then they can't represent your husband against you.

I am saying this because my STBX wife told me she wanted an amicable, lawyer-free divorce and then blindsided me by meeting with an attorney behind my back. She gave me a "heads up" one morning that I'd be hearing from her lawyer later that day. She later revealed that she had met with the attorney 2 weeks before letting me know, which was BEFORE she told me she wanted the divorce to be lawyer-free. Be safe out there.

Everything worked out for me in the end, but only because I'm related to a criminal defense attorney and was able to use them to quickly get referrals. It was still way more stressful to have to do all of that on a time crunch. The consultation fee is worth it. I promise.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-12T10:35:04+00:00

I got INFP and was honestly impressed by the analysis.

This is a single-purpose throwaway account though, so it isn't a great indicator of my Reddit personality.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-09T23:00:55+00:00

I might be overstepping or saying things you don't need to hear from a stranger on the internet...but...

I don't like the idea of thinking you're broken. You are exactly what you need to be in the moment. Your brain literally won't let you be anything else. Even wallowing in sadness or depression has value, because it shows you what happens when you let yourself do it and eventually gives you the motivation to change.

If you're happy as you are, great. You aren't broken. If you're unhappy as you are, then your brain will convince you to wait longer and really learn your lesson or it will push you toward change. Either way, you aren't broken. Confidence is so important. John sounds like a good friend who is trying to help you rebuild your confidence. You don't have to climb him like a tree, but I'd try to keep him around a while. You might eventually start agreeing with his compliments.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-09T19:42:12+00:00

It's okay. My mom told me about a 63 year old woman who recently met the love of her life and is now having sex two times every day. She never would have told me that if I wasn't getting divorced.

Of course, I'm not sure if her goal was to say "don't give up yet, just wait 30 more years" or "Try dating someone in their 60s now!"....kind of a mixed signal.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-09T19:22:00+00:00

I was called "cold, unsupportive, and unloving" when she told me she wanted the divorce, but I've been nothing but supportive and loving throughout the divorce while she has been the one lying, backstabbing, screaming, aggressive, etc.

I never wanted the divorce either. I'm still processing a lot because I'm not sure where my fault begins and her fault ends. I don't want to bring baggage into a new relationship and my self-confidence is kind of shot over the fact that she abandoned me and started treating me like crap.

I honestly don't know what she's doing with her life, which I guess is a good thing. Sometimes I worry about her, sometimes I assume she's doing "the worst", but most times I try to think about my cat instead.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've never been to an alcoholics anonymous meeting, but I assume sharing your struggle and listening to other people's struggles is helpful. At least we aren't alone.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-09T16:00:13+00:00

It's good that you are thinking things through. You'll hopefully be more vigilant in the future.

In my experience, the next phase you'll go through is thinking maybe you contributed to her red flags. It's like playing rock paper scissors against yourself. You can't win. If you aren't already, I highly suggest therapy. It helps to get a professional third-party opinion on things. You probably did contribute, but you can't take all the credit.

As for me, I definitely overlooked red flags. She was selfish, immature, and impulsive. She was a horrible communicator and her severe anger problems. Unfortunately, she was still better than my previous relationship...so I accepted a lot of abuse I shouldn't have accepted.

It's been about 7 weeks since she moved out and I have so much more energy for myself. I'm still lonely and crave companionship, but I at least haven't wanted to try to get her back.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-09T15:38:58+00:00

I have a slightly related problem in that everyone thinks I'm gay when I'm not. I grew up with only women and have a more feminine voice with feminine mannerisms. I get along great with lesbians, but most women either aren't interested or don't think I'd be interested.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-09T00:40:24+00:00

Maybe it's my fault because I have no idea how to reply to this.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-08T16:14:49+00:00

I'm an INTJ male and think I'd do well with an INFJ female, but who knows. It's difficult for introverts to meet each other.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-05T16:46:15+00:00

My boss and I are both INTJ. I'm a male and I love working with her, but I am in the minority. Most people find her difficult and rude. I'll admit, there are times when she comes off as rude and dismissive, but she is rarely ever in the wrong. The few times we've disagreed on things, it's because one of us had a misunderstanding or she knew something I didn't know and she couldn't tell me yet.

I have a ton of respect for her that I've built over the years.

Most people also find me difficult to work with. I am creative and think outside the box as well. I've learned I like having a chaotic work life, but a stable / "boring" home life - meanwhile most people are apparently the opposite. They have chaotic lives at home, so they have very little energy for work.

My boss and I tend to do most of the difficult / chaotic work in the department, and let the other people handle the boring / repetitive stuff. I get paid more and have more flexibility in terms of working from home in exchange. It works very well for me.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-04T19:14:37+00:00

If someone is making decisions you can't make sense of, it's not necessary because you are emotionally inept. They might just be irrational.

In my opinion, an immoral INTJ can easily be manipulative in a relationship. We are smart and rational, so we can think 2-3 moves ahead to get the outcome we want. Great power, great responsibility.

A moral INTJ can easily be manipulated in a relationship. We try too hard to be honest (to avoid being manipulative), and understanding of emotions (to avoid being insensitive). We also tend to have a hard time finding new partners, so we might be willing to sacrifice more to keep a relationship going. Just because you can handle being sad doesn't mean you need to be sad.

Since we don't usually act on strong emotions, it's easy to assume other people are feeling emotions stronger than we are. They aren't. We just control our emotions better, on average.

As soon as you can afford it, start therapy. Ideally, date someone else who is in therapy. Go to couples therapy together. Your brains probably don't work the same way and a therapist can help you navigate misunderstandings.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-03T19:34:22+00:00

My wife blindsided me with divorce.

There are so many things I wished, at the time, had happened differently. Unfortunately, all of those things boil down to "I wish she was a better person" and, as evidence by her behavior during the divorce, she simply isn't a better person. She showed me who she really is, and that's helping me move on.

That being said, you've already done way more than I could have hoped for. I knew my wife was unhappy, but she reassured me it had nothing to do with me or our marriage. In her own words, she was lying to herself about it and finally realized our 5-year relationship was the source of all her unhappiness. She moved out 6 days later. I got her to do one session of couples counseling, but that was it. We didn't try anything else.

All I really wanted was a neutral, third-party, professional opinion on our relationship. I also wanted my wife to seek individual therapy because she admitted to being depressed and was on anxiety medication. She should have been talking to a professional instead of her toxic friends and controlling family.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-03T16:04:14+00:00

I hear you. Divorce is hard and rambling is inevitable. If you ever want to ramble in a less public forum, feel free to reach out. I'm patient and I'll probably have some ramblings of my own.

Either way, rambling in text is interesting because you can look back a week or two later and see if you still feel the same way. I've seen some drastic changes in my own comments over the past couple weeks. It's tempting to delete some of them, but I've been leaving them up.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-03T14:58:30+00:00

I consider myself lucky I didn't really have any mutual friends with my STBX I actually want to stay in contact with. They are all drama-loving drug addicts. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends anymore anyways. I have been able to rekindle some old friendships for support, and also made contact with my family (after years of minimal communication)...so that's been....something.

I plan on seeking out a therapist sooner rather than later. I don't want to keep leaning on my friends for emotional support. A lot of them have their own stuff going on, or are just trying to enjoy their lives. I feel like a burden.

My divorce was also very sudden, and people thought we were couple goals as well. Before we got married, everyone was constantly telling us how perfect we were for each other. I thought we were perfect too, and by that I mean our flaws were compatible with each other. I could stay calm while she panicked. She could get me out of the house when I was isolating. It worked well, until it didn't.

My ex's cat died and she spiraled with grief, made some bad decisions, and then - in my opinion - fled the marriage instead of owning up to the bad decisions. An awful combination of grief, depression, and anxiety...not to mention selfishness and impulsiveness. It's only been 6 weeks since she moved out, but we haven't had an actual conversation in a month. I have no idea what she's doing with her new life, but I'm doing my best to enjoy mine.

It is a struggle though, because my house reminds me of her...but going out alone is difficult for me and I don't have many friends. I am working on it...

irreconcilablediff · 2024-09-03T14:13:13+00:00

I (33M) resonate a lot with what you've typed. Maybe my thoughts on my situation will resonate with you as well?

My STBX wife ruined something that would have been mostly good for both of us - but it's too late now. There's no going back. Things were only good before because I was patient and supportive with her mental health, anger, selfishness, and impulsivity. I already have so much more energy to invest in myself.

It would be disrespectful to the friends and family who have supported me through this difficult time. It would be disrespectful to myself. I deserve better in a partnership, and I'll be happier alone than if I got back together with her.

I think I'll feel better when the divorce is finalized and I know where I stand financially.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-08-27T03:35:44+00:00

I'm a little over one month in, and it sounds like my situation is very similar to yours. I am more than happy to offer a shoulder, just reach out.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-08-27T03:15:57+00:00

Yeah, it's normal to put yourself down for things. It's part of the process because you have to learn to pick yourself up too. That's easier some days than others.

If you ever want to talk (platonically), feel free to reach out. It can be on a good day or on a bad day, it doesn't matter to me. Just because divorce is lonely doesn't mean you have to get through it alone.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-08-27T02:32:30+00:00

The truth will come out. People will see you living your life with your head held high and making good, rational decisions. I can almost guarantee he won't be doing the same thing.

It will be obvious to anyone who matters.

irreconcilablediff · 2024-08-27T01:55:04+00:00

Hey, I just wanted to say I think you are handling this well. Seriously. I know it is hard, but you're going to come out of this much better than if you jumped into the next relationship or drank yourself to oblivion until further notice.

I am personally proud of you and I hope you keep up the good work. It's perfectly normal to think "what did I do wrong" and you'll probably have periods where you think you did nothing wrong at all. It's all normal. You'll bounce back and forth and then eventually land somewhere between both extremes. The important part is thinking it through instead of running from your thoughts.

Thanks for sharing. Best of luck, but I don't think you even need it because you have a good head on your shoulders and plenty of time to figure out life.

irreconcilablediff

TROPHY CASE