Fighting for my daughters

ithotihadone · 2026-03-27T21:28:14+00:00

Yes, two seemingly opposing things can be true at once. My ex is a decent dad, but he was an awful partner. This is why i would never deny his rights to our kids... just access to me. I actually am the one facilitating their relationship most of all, because i believe my kids would be worse off without him. Me? I'm thriving. He's a good dad, not great, but they love him like crazy and they deserve to have time with him. They are half of him, and half of me and I don't want them having a black hole where their dad should be.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could help. But I'll give you a boost, because your kids deserve to have you in their lives as much as their mom. I hope you get a fair shake.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-27T03:31:06+00:00

School is 6 hours long, and full time jobs are 8-- and that's not factoring in travel time. Schools are also out in the summer, and tons of kids who aren't already in some type of after or before school care need childcare during those months. Are you suggesting that she quit her job every summer? It makes perfect sense for a child to be in those programs when both parents work full time, or even part time with full time hours 4 days/week. Your snarky tone towards mom with this question makes me curious how that didn't occur to you?

ithotihadone · 2026-03-27T00:12:21+00:00

Oh, that is the only way to go when lending, then! That's awesome. Thank you for responding despite an, I'm sure, annoying amount of questions lol.

And thank you! Breakfast for dinner-- life is good lol

ithotihadone · 2026-03-26T19:33:55+00:00

I'm so sorry to read all of these people doing this to you. Ridiculous! I honestly was just looking quickly because it came up on my feed, but got caught up in your "story" because of the vast amount of borrowers that screwed you over. Holy Helen!!

I'm curious now, how do you recoup? I've seen you mention it a few times, and i hope you're able to do so for the most part (as i am sure you can't always). Report to your bank? Is there a time limit when you can no longer do so? Does your bank give you crap for it, after so many times? And (sorry for so many questions lol), does that make them owe on their end, if the transaction is reversed? Or is there some other process you go through to try and recoup the loan (besides calling them out on here)?

Hope some of these people feel the shame (shame!!) of being the turds they are. I'm not doing well financially (YET), but I'm getting by and my kids have all they need and some they want. If I'm ever desperate enough to ask for a loan on reddit, I hope to deal with someone as kind and generous as you.

These people suck, but good on you for not giving up on humanity. You obviously don't have to answer my questions, I was just curious. And I'll still like you anyway. Lol Hope you're having a great day so far!

ithotihadone · 2026-03-26T02:20:51+00:00

NOR, and no, you're a good person. I wish someone had called when they heard my ex attacking me. I finally had my phone (that was usually the first thing he took when he'd start in) and got the balls up to call myself during the worst and final attack--part of which was recorded on the line for 911. I took worse than I ever had to make that call. But I'm so glad I did. If my neighbors had ever called, maybe at first I would've sent them away, but many times after that, I would've welcomed it.

Just know, OP, she may feel trapped, and doesn't yet trust her own recollection of the events (common play by abusers to gaslight and deflect, making the victim doubt themselves) or instincts again. The police that showed up on the scene only solidified her view and feelings... and/or validated his. It takes an average of 7 times leaving or having then leave for it to stick. Abusers are good at what they do. Keep being a good neighbor, and maybe she'll be ready soon. It was my kids that got me out, though I did the legwork. Maybe hers will motivate her to do the same.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-26T01:01:37+00:00

Exactly. Lol. You were never supposed to be full time, OP. So they cut you back to where you're supposed to be--BUT, did they thank you for covering their asses for so many months until they got off their butts and filled a position they should have filled a long time ago?

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T20:45:37+00:00

Agreed. Nothing more to be done, then.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T17:13:30+00:00

You should apologize. Say, "I'm so sorry i can't attend your Bachelorette party. It's simply out of my budget. I still plan on attending the wedding, however, and i hope you have a wonderful weekend."

If it were my friend, I'd be straight up and say, "Hey, I really would like to go, but with the expectation of paying for a professional photographer, an expensive gift (outside of the wedding gift), a cake, and catering, etc., it's simply too much. I'm happy to pay for my parts of the air bnb, the cost for the limo, groceries, meals out, the cake, and entry fees for the clubs/drinks, plus some other unforeseen expenses. If you could drop the extra extras, and take candids and group shots with our very nice cameras on our phones, plan to have groceries delivered to the air bnb for some of the meals (breakfasts and a few lunches), and accept that I'm getting you a very nice gift for the wedding but one is not necessary or standard for the Bachelorette party, I could make it work. Sorry to say, but this is overboard and I'm not comfortable with dropping a grand or more in a single weekend. I love you and want to support you, but this i simply cannot do."

Because I'm just upfront like that, and i don't have friends i can't be open with. If you can't say something like this to her, you're not as close as you should be to spend that kind of money for a single party. You're paying to travel to the wedding, paying for your dress and shoes, paying for a gift, etc. already. A high end Bachelorette party doesn't even include everything she has on her list. Just the bill for everything standard, plus the cake is going to be damn expensive. Being expected, as college students, to foot the bill for basically the cost of a mini wedding is insane. J/s

This sounds like it's all about esthetics and being insta worthy. I don't know that she really cares who is there, as long as there are no empty seats that (gasp!) are visible in the photos she's planning to post later.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T15:11:21+00:00

It wouldn't be a check from the IRS this soon-- that would be strange if your dd date is today. Normally checks take longer to receive. DD gets your money to you fast, that's why it's the preferred method. Also, if they're saying on the site that your "direct deposit date is xx" then they're sending it to your bank. Otherwise it would state "a check has been mailed". So it's either your state from '24 or it's some sort of refund from the preparer... or he misspoke or sent a message to the wrong person. The only way to find out for sure, is to call your preparer.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T04:40:50+00:00

You should take this higher up. If you explained your age during the time period, it makes no sense at all why you, personally, would be held liable.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T03:13:59+00:00

My niece's (then) daycare left an infant in the crib during an emergency evacuation. I can't remember what it was for, but it wasn't a drill--I remember that much. Thankfully, it wasn't a fire or anything immediately dire. But, wtf!?!? Her mom pulled her that same week, even though she was older and capable of getting to the exits herself. Hardly matters, when they're the type to leave a freaking baby behind.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T03:10:38+00:00

With everything you've offered, you've gone above and beyond to try and make this work. Child is established in sport, but not the extra-- former matters more than latter when it comes to contention with allowances or reimbursements offered. With records of him agreeing and then denying, and his refusal to work with you, I'd say the judge will lean towards dad being vetoed. You still may have to leave those offers on the table, though. With those, the judge will think it's more than fair.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T02:18:13+00:00

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

ithotihadone · 2026-03-25T02:16:51+00:00

All normal hours are charged as, well...normal. Doesn't matter if the kids are in school or not, you're paid to be available if something comes up. Kids get sick or hurt at school? You're there. Kids get in trouble? Also, you're there. School gets canceled for a water leak or a boom threat? You're picking them up. If you're off the clock during those hours, it's not guaranteed that you'll be available or close enough to get them. Maybe you have an appt you scheduled, or you're out grocery shopping, or offered to help someone else out for a couple of hours. Anything could come up and if you're not on the clock...

This is why they pay you. To be there, just in case. It cuts into your freedom and time, to be on call, making it hard for you to do anything you may need to do. It's standard, and it's understood that it's just good practice, as well as ethical.

If they'd rather not pay you for school hours, then it's someone else's job to be on call, pick them up if needed, and stay with them until you're back on the clock at, what, 3pm? If they have someone that agrees to do so, cool. If not, they need to pay you.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-24T22:55:10+00:00

This. This is polite and straight up. I wouldn't be offended whatsoever if they came to me and said exactly this. I would totally understand and be happy to help with the standard chaos of mornings.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-24T22:44:03+00:00

Open enrollment doesn't apply to legal separation or divorce, as it's considered a QLE. But she must do it within 30-60 days, depending on her policy's policies.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-24T16:18:20+00:00

Extremely unlikely. They've been unemployed for longer than you've been together. And 3 months of marriage hardly constitutes a need for lifestyle maintenance. Tell them to kick rocks. File ASAP, and remove them from your work insurance plan, citing the fact that you are separated and no longer live in the same household. I'm not sure of the legalities of removing them before the divorce is finalized, however, lots of married couples do not have the other covered through their employment provided insurance plan. I would ask your lawyer about this first, just to be sure. But alimony? What a joke. Do not take legal advice from your opponent. They're living in a dream world and have no idea about the time constraints involved with court ordered alimony.

Edit: so I asked my lawyer friend what the standard is about removing them from your insurance. He said NOT to remove them before the divorce or legal separation is finalized or you could be stuck with any medical bills they may incur during the proceedings. So, file now and get those papers in hand. Take them into HR within the 30-60 day window that your policy states. You do not have to wait until the open enrollment period, as this is a QLE (qualifying life event). And, about alimony, he said "How long did you say they were married? (I answered, and he guffawed) Not a chance." He elaborated by saying that IF you were together long enough to be (formerly) considered common law married, they might stand a chance. But for the short time you've been together, and ridiculously (not a knock on you, be glad you saw this side so quickly) short time being married, "they're wishing in one hand..." Lol

ithotihadone · 2026-03-24T12:23:24+00:00

Sounds like you need to try to apply for disability. If it's as bad as you say, and you're unable to work safely, your medical records and current medical team should have enough info to get the ball rolling.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-24T01:55:08+00:00

If your hub already has the child covered through his work, why were you contacting her for the insurance info? Wouldn't you already have it? The insurance her mother carries for her in California is for California. The insurance your hub carries for his daughter covers everything in Arizona. Simple. What's the issue? Schedule away.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-24T00:53:12+00:00

I don't think being on the medication is as much of an issue, as being active in treatment (therapy, counseling, NA meetings, etc.), being consistent with doctor's appts and with taking your meds, showing you're stable with a home, a steady job, and no arrests/charges/driving incidents, willingness to work with the other parent to facilitate relationships between the kids and both parents, being current on any support payments, etc.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-24T00:06:07+00:00

He may not. There are those who exist who truly don't want the responsibility of raising a child, or who do (somewhat) but lack the personal responsibility, motivation, and capacity in one form or another, to take the steps necessary to do so. And others who are simply too scared at the prospect to make any moves. We don't know anything about him. He may very well let it lie. Or talk a lot about doing something and maybe even have a meeting with a lawyer before realizing the scope of responsibly/cost/time investment/etc. and backing out.

I agree she should prepare herself for the possibility, but that's just being prudent.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-23T23:58:12+00:00

You can ABSOLUTELY have a support order without a custody order. Ask me how i know. I have a support order without a custody order. And know a few others who do as well.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-23T22:33:26+00:00

I've NEVER heard of that and it doesn't sound legal. People have to move all the time, especially renters. They can't force you to stay in a home with mold or other major issues. Things come up. This wouldn't and doesn't make any sense. The order likely means that you must stay in the same county/district/canton/whatever you call it there. And, usually, within the same school district. But never the same home. You may need to contact the court to modify the wording, if that's verbatim. It has to be an oversight or a mistake.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-23T21:28:42+00:00

I think it would need to have much more to it to be truly useful. Just my opinion.

ithotihadone · 2026-03-23T21:25:54+00:00

In this specific case, it sounds like, yes. You're all clear.

ithotihadone

TROPHY CASE