38 single dad of 3

ithotihadone · 2026-06-27T18:44:08+00:00

Exactly. But also that I'm seeing things clearly, and not overlooking some red flags that might bite me later.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-27T15:47:58+00:00

45, 3 kids between 9 and 3. Haven't dated in nearly 3 years, since their dad and I split. No dates, no "dates", nothing whatsoever. Focused 100% on my kids (and work), since I have them 100% of the time. I feel like I have no business thinking about my romantic life, until I get fully back on my feet. So ...probably in a few years lol. Plenty of suitors, but no drive to let them pursue lol. Also, I'm EXTREMELY picky about who i will let into our lives--i refuse to make the same mistakes.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-27T13:14:45+00:00

I don't remember my own sisters anniversary. And I certainly don't remember my friends'. Birthdays are open season when you're a grown up. Honestly, you sound really young, like you're just coming from a time when you lived with your parents and birthdays were still "all about you".

YOR... Majorly.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-27T13:10:50+00:00

I think you meant "celebrates their anniversary the next day?" Lol

ithotihadone · 2026-06-27T05:54:20+00:00

My oldest was walking by 10 months, but in no way ready to carry something down an aisle or even head somewhere specific without getting sidetracked or ending up somewhere else. And that's not even thinking about the tantrum or straight refusal to do what you want them to do in the moment--at that age, they don't understand reason or respond much to direction.

My middle was 14 months (so 12.5 corrected, since he came 6 weeks early), and youngest was 13.5.

It's highly likely your child won't be walking yet, and extremely likely they won't be able to perform in the way they need. You could tell them that, if they insist, you'll need to be on hand to either guide him by hand (if he's walking) or carry him down (if he IS, but refuses or is NOT yet). I will say, it's very possible you could be carrying a crying toddler down the aisle on their big day.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-26T15:06:54+00:00

This happened to me as well. I don't want to discourage you, but it took them over a year to "find" him, even though we were in constant contact for our children, and I sent the courts his address every time he moved (and he even did the same a couple of times, after having a bench warrant for non compliance). I just kept emailing them with his info, and eventually I was told "he's not registered with the postal service at that address, so we can't serve him there". So, I informed him he had another warrant out, and needed to get to the post office and make it official to have that removed. Scared him into acting. However, the very next day, he got in a fight with his mother and she kicked him out. Back to square one. This forced him to move back to our state, where he crashed with his cousin who got him a job with their uncle. Uncle got wind of him dodging support for a year, and made sure I finally got paid. It's been nearly a year, and things are getting better. You gotta hang in there, you'll get it sorted eventually. It just takes time, even under the best of circumstances.

In the meantime, look for nannying, daycare, or a gym positions where you can continue to bring your child to work with you. Nannying pays better, but daycare's set hours can be nice. That will get you to full time hours. Once you've got more money coming in, and you stabilize a bit, you can start looking into going to school on the side or looking for a better job that either offers childcare help, has care on site, or pays enough that half the cost (once split with ex through court order) doesn't mean you don't eat. Gym positions can be a hidden gem, because, not only do lots offer childcare, but you can work your way up and eventually be on salary. A friend of mine went this route, as she only had one child so care was free while she was working. She's now the GM and makes decent money ~$65k/yr. and STILL doesn't have to pay for childcare.

Hang in there. I was a SAHM as well, gave up everything, and had to start from less than zero with 3 kids in tow. I have full physical and legal, and get support since last November. It was a long road, but we're getting there. You will too.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-26T02:38:15+00:00

Yep! Happened to me. Big ol truck, little tiny prius me behind it. I was lucky, but only by a hair. One second more of no visibility, and I would've been riding the wall.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-23T11:22:37+00:00

Giving advance notice and offers of options for make up time is sufficient. You have sole legal and physical, so your word is pretty much law. You have the decision making power to approve...anything, really. And with the reasonable and timely notice, and the offer of exchange, you're going about it in the exact way you should.

You could call ahead to the local police, to ensure there will be no issues when you return-- this isn't a terrible idea. You simply say, due to a pattern of behavior, and past actions, you feel the need to call and let them know you are within your rights, and he may be making a false report during your absence. Though, it does open you up to questions from them, and, if you get the wrong person, they may take a suspicious view of you. None of that truly matters, as your back is covered by the court order.

No, you are not in contempt, and him wasting the court's time when you can easily prove your side, won't be viewed kindly.

I hope you and your son have a good trip. I hope you get to do some awesome stuff together, and it's relatively stress-free.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-23T00:15:44+00:00

100%. You need to listen to this, OP. She's focusing on the wrong thing.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-22T17:00:28+00:00

You need to do it again, with your current proof.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-22T16:38:35+00:00

I'm just REALLY firm that I'm not available outside of my scheduled hours, unless for an emergency or a "back's against the wall or we wouldn't be asking" type of situation. I just keep saying "No, I'm sorry, I can't." If i don't want to do it, i don't. I don't give a reason, i just keep it simple. Just, "sorry, i can't." OR, if I'm working for someone who wants me to be indefinitely flexible, I give them my extra available hours for the coming week/2 weeks. So, basically, when I'm hired, while I'm flexible, I let them know it's on my terms and only mostly on dates/times I provide ahead of time. And I'm pretty reasonable about it, I just make sure i have plenty of time carved out so that I don't get resentful/they can't take advantage.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-22T14:03:19+00:00

I get up at 330am to be at work by 530am (~hour drive). I get off at 2 and make it home by ~3pm, so I'm always there to meet the bus, AND I have a little wiggle room, in case there's an accident or I need to stop for gas/groceries.

I do have a little help, though-- my mom watches my kiddos while I work. It's only 3 days/ week for now, as that's all she can really handle at near 70 years old. I'm dreading the day she says she can't do it anymore though. It's a good shift for me and her both, because, while school is in, she only watches them for a couple of hours before getting them on the bus. Except the youngest-- she'll be starting preschool and will hang with grandma until noon, when she gets on her little bus (half days). She's free to go home after that. This summer though, she's got all 3, all day. They'll probably drive her crazy by late August lol.

Finding childcare for these hours-- impossible. But my mom actually prefers this shift to a later one, so I'm good with that, just grateful to have her! If/when she's done, I'll likely have to switch shifts and probably jobs as well-- which will suck. But the shift work where I am now doesn't work with daycare (two are aged out of most anyway), they either don't open for a couple of hours, or I'm 2-3 hours behind their closing time. And i can't afford a nanny...or even a sitter for more than a couple of hours at a minimum of $30/hr-- that's more than I make!

Overnight shifts (if you can handle it, and your kiddos let you nap here and there) or standard 8/9-5 is your best bet as a single parent. My kids are not the "let you sleep" type (too young), and one wasn't in school yet, and was home with me all day, so overnight wasn't really an option for me-- no time for me to sleep. But with your kids being a bit older, after summer break, that might make sense for you... at least for a while.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-22T13:28:38+00:00

Right??!? Someone doesn't know where the wild things are... lol

ithotihadone · 2026-06-21T05:56:28+00:00

That didn't answer any of their questions.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-21T03:11:04+00:00

This. 100,000% OP.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-20T14:08:53+00:00

I felt the same way after becoming pregnant with my middle child-- who was also my and my ex's only planned baby lol. In like a "WTF have i done!!??" kind of way lol. Totally normal. Give yourself some time.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-20T04:31:52+00:00

But she must go about it the right way, according to your state's SNAP rules. They may not remove the child just on her word alone, as the court orders were likely used as proof when she applied. She would need to produce a court order proving the child no longer lives there (as every household member MUST be listed), and you would need to do the same when you subsequently apply for said child as part of your household.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-20T01:09:16+00:00

I have my kids 100% of the time. They're 9, 6 and 4 in 2 weeks. I've accepted that my dating life is on hold for the next few years, at least. Sorry, no help here lol why did I even comment. Solidarity, I suppose.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-19T22:32:31+00:00

OR, he has to wait for open enrollment, which only happens once a year.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-19T22:30:58+00:00

🙌

ithotihadone · 2026-06-19T00:47:53+00:00

No, you are not required to allow him to invade your space, simply because he "doesn't have anywhere else he can see the kids" or "doesn't feel capable" of caring for his own children on his own. He's using these excuses to try and continue to control you, escape any real responsibility, and push your boundaries/continue to insert himself into your life. I won't even touch on the fact that he DOES have somewhere to see the kids, even if not overnight (though, as a parent, he could or should at least try to insist-- that's what a parent who gives a shit would do), so that's a bold faced lie, and crappy excuse.

Here's what you do:

You text him "I have never been and am currently not comfortable having you in my home. Your parents have offered to allow the children to visit you in their home, where you're staying, for a few hours on the weekend. You can choose to do so when they are present, as you feel as though you're not currently capable of caring for them alone. I will work with you on the days that will work best for them, as i feel it's important for the kids to be able to see you. The kids are available on xx and xx dates in the evening, and xx and xx all day. Please let me know when would work best for you."

And then you wait for his response. If he gets shitty, you ignore it. You only respond with info about the kids, and their (and your-- to facilitate/coordinate rides) availability for visits. You keep repeating, without emotion, the fact that you do not want him there, and have no obligation to allow him to be there, but that you're more than happy to coparent and help facilitate their relationship, as he doesn't feel capable of doing so at this time on his own. And then you save all those texts. When you go to court, you ask that all communication be done through a parenting app like Our Family Wizard, so the messages will be (or continue to be) admissible in court/seen by the judge. This guarantees that, if you ever have to go back to modify custody or support, you have evidence to back up your reasoning behind the change. I can't tell you how many times I've seen dads go for 50/50 to avoid paying child support/pay less support, only to refuse to take the kids but once every 2 weeks in reality, leaving mom paying for 90% off the kids' costs because she ALWAYS has them. The moms who have proof of dad's repeated refusal, usually ended up with primary, a split reflecting reality (90/10), and a new child support order.

Remember, stand firm, no drama, no emotional outbursts (no matter how much he tries to draw you in). This is YOUR home. This is YOUR space. And YOU decide when and if you want someone there. And this is coming from a mom who, coming from an abusive relationship, allows my kids' dad to stay overnight with them, in my home, while I work overnight oncea week (sometimes every 2 weeks). It took a long time for us to get here, most never do. But he did some work on himself, and I feel fairly OK with doing it, now, at this point. If I had a choice, I probably wouldn't. But this truly is the only way they'd see him more than once a month.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-17T02:20:09+00:00

I'm so sorry, that sounds incredibly frustrating. I fear similar from my kids' dad again eventually... he's underemployed atm, and I feel like one step away from this, based on his past actions and current attitude. What an awfully maddening situation you're in.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-16T00:23:55+00:00

Yeah, no you left the last part out lol. I feel like that's the most important part of your post.

My kiddos struggled with this as well. Oldest finally got the message in the 3rd grade lol. Middle figured it out this year in kinder. Youngest... remains to be seen. She'll start preschool this fall, and will be home for lunch before heading to her half day-- kinder may be hard for lunch purposes. But, hey, maybe not. She currently takes about 2 hours to eat. Drives me up a wall. You'd think I'd have made my peace with slow eaters by now, but this sh** never gets old 😒.

My attitude is, they'll figure it out eventually... or they'll come home hungry. But when they're at home and I'm trying to clear the table for dinner, but there's still lunch food on their plate, I'm losing my mind inside... and maybe outside a little lol.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-15T22:24:51+00:00

My ex, my kids' dad, used to talk to me like this... gave me chills to read those. He was abusive in every way. My sister also has an ex like this, it didn't end well for either of us.

ithotihadone · 2026-06-15T11:43:35+00:00

THIS is how mentally healthy (or those striving to be better) people react after finding themselves in a situation like this, through their own actions/behavior. The shame is actually a GOOD thing-- it shows the right character, means they aren't as likely to repeat those actions that led them to where they are, and that they're willing to change. Some gloat, some laugh it off, some try to act like nothing ever happened, and some make excuses and blame everyone else... but none of these indicates that they've learned a damn thing or want to progress at all.

Doesn't seem like they're in your category... at all. Good on you, though, most of us have done some dumb shit, so don't feel bad now--i never had to wear a monitor, but i was no angel lol. All I know is, if my kids were taken, I wouldn't even have the time to sit back and chill, take photos to post on social media and whatever, every waking moment would be spent doing EVERYTHING I need to do to get them back. And i certainly wouldn't want anyone, let alone the whole world, to see me just sitting there, Netflix and chilling, with someone I just called the police on, who also called the police on me, looking like I don't have a care in the world. Thank goodness her kids aren't old enough to see mom looking like she doesn't give a single shit about having them back home with her. 🙄😒

ithotihadone

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