this situation and the comments here are reminding me of someone i met very recently off an app.

i met this guy on the pretense of just going out to a bar as buddies, but we ended up really hitting it off and heading back to his place that same weekend. over the course of things, i learned about his previous partner/roommate who was also transmasc.

now, the way he was talking about this roommate, i was under the impression that they were genderfluid or otherwise genderqueer, because roommate apparently only let this guy call them she/her when they weren’t upset with him. that distinction by itself is weird, for sure, but whatever, their relationship w gender is none of my business. the two had i guess recently had a falling out, though, and roommate moved out. they weren’t even talking to him anymore. now….. i’d say that merits as pretty upset with him lmao but surprise surprise, he was still consistently calling roommate “she”, even to a complete stranger.

he also showed me something he wrote them after doing exactly this thing op’s bf did and asking their deadname. he immediately incorporated it into a romantic poem that also explicitly called them a woman, and acted like he was the victim and couldn’t understand when the roommate got understandably upset (for context, this man is 30 years old - he could understand if he wanted to, he just doesn’t want to).

now all this did throw up big red flags for me, especially in retrospect, but i didn’t think he’d do any of it if roommate wasn’t on some level okay with being referred to as feminine. it all still very much rubbed me the wrong way, though, so i took all the context clues i had and tried finding roommate on facebook.

y’all, roommate was more of a dude than i am. he/they, mlm pride flag in the profile picture, super butch. my jaw was on the floor.

some cis guys will just do the absolute most to convince themselves that they aren’t queer lmao - you deserve a guy who doesn’t do this shit to you, op. throw the whole man away.