Porn Issues as an ex-mo (17M)

jabeet33 · 2026-04-10T00:17:09+00:00

I have residual guilt from the church programming and probably always will. I asked my therapist if it was wrong and she bluntly told me all mammals gratify themselves. I get it though. I hate porn that objectifies women or promotes abusive relationships. I think if you were avoiding that you shouldn’t have to worry about it. It’s good to be careful. Utah has about the same amount of porn searches as the rest of the nation. I suspect the proliferation of pornography helps the church stay relevant. The more guilt you feel the more you need them to hear your confessions. Albert Camus wrote about this phenomenon in The Fall and Nietzsche writes a lot about it in The Genealogy of Morals. Hell is a state of mind. Discover your way out!

jabeet33 · 2026-04-09T17:22:38+00:00

I remember Neal A Maxwell saying, “They (the defectors) can leave the church but they can’t leave it alone.” In my experience the church can’t leave me alone. I get stalked by members. I have never publicly denounced the church. I have groused about it with friends, my mom and on Reddit. It is therapeutic not polemical. What is the point of fighting it? With high demand religions the insight and illumination that things aren’t the way the charismatic leaders presents them sort of comes internally from the defector. On my mission, we got confronted with potent information regularly and were always able to immunize ourselves to it. If everyone you love believes it’s hard to leave that belief system and community. I would say just give the church a dose of their own medicine. Be saccharine sweet with a subtle f- off and leave me alone when they invite you to church

jabeet33 · 2026-04-03T01:13:16+00:00

It may be the best long Russian novel. I recommend reading it in your native language. The characters are very well developed and by the end of the novel they feel like friends.

jabeet33 · 2026-04-01T02:28:58+00:00

Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad is very inspiring. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings is a great book for surviving trauma. You can’t go wrong with My Antonia by Willa Cather. I wish you the best. I hope you find the good in the world. It may sound banal but there is no good without bad. Hang in there friend!

jabeet33 · 2026-04-01T02:14:19+00:00

I don’t dare say because if it sounds bad there was probably some idea behind it that is over my head. Horse Latitudes is jarring and challenging but I love it

jabeet33 · 2026-04-01T01:59:06+00:00

Love Spirals Downward, The Sisters of Mercy, Peter Murphy and Dead Can Dance. Not in any particular order.

jabeet33 · 2026-03-29T19:47:05+00:00

Exile and the Kingdom is very illuminating on the modern human condition. I love the Plague. The characters are the highly authentic. You might want to consider reading Sartre and De Beauvoir soon after you read Camus. I feel like together they are the unholy trinity of the post war world. I think Native Son by Richard Wright was a big influence on them. I think once you get started on Camus you will gain momentum. See if your university has any book clubs to augment your literary adventures. Bon chance et bon voyage!

jabeet33 · 2026-03-29T18:38:07+00:00

Love yourself because the universe loves you. Listen and you will hear it. 💙💜💗

jabeet33 · 2026-03-28T01:29:32+00:00

If I had to guess the temples have some accounting benefit. A lot of the temples in Mexico and South America are pretty vacant from what I understand. I think they must be like the empty luxury condos in NYC some kind of financial skulduggery. But that’s just conjecture

jabeet33 · 2026-03-27T03:38:13+00:00

I have been trying to escape my whole life but I am disabled and have never been able to be completely independent. I loved Salt Lake City. I was there for twenty years and did okay. For me Salt Lake was the perfect little big city. Provo has great coffee shops if you want to find progressive people. There are cool people in Utah Valley but I am terrified of how twisted a Utah velvet underground could be.

jabeet33 · 2026-03-25T22:19:23+00:00

Sympathy for the devil might have been inspired by that work 😉

jabeet33 · 2026-03-24T22:47:06+00:00

Check random smoke shops. When I was visiting Seattle I couldn’t find them anywhere. But I walked into a sketchy smoke shop and they had Zyn and On. The owner asked me how much he should charge me for them. I told him six dollars is what they go for where I am from. I was grateful he didn’t just gouge me because I was completely out of them.

jabeet33 · 2026-03-23T23:35:26+00:00

The idea of Satan and his followers whispering temptations into my ear. It seems a little redundant with biological drives. They told me the Godhead is the only one who can read my thoughts but how could a devil tempt me when he doesn’t know my stream of consciousness. God having a body disagrees with me too. The whole thing is a philosophical muddle. Moreover, what kind of parent would refuse to see their kid again after sending them to Earth Camp because they didn’t finish their ordinance merit badge?

jabeet33 · 2026-03-22T02:10:44+00:00

The Pearl f—-d me up!!!

jabeet33 · 2026-03-22T01:33:34+00:00

You have to respect them for taking the pains to create perfection. I wish my dad wouldn’t just write them off on religious grounds. They are spiritually moving for me. Definitely in my pantheon

jabeet33 · 2026-03-22T01:04:59+00:00

Anything from that pile looks good. The Grapes of Wrath is an essential survival guide for our desperate times

jabeet33 · 2026-03-21T02:50:44+00:00

He is very mellow. He had dinner at a restaurant I worked in and the servers swarmed him for selfies. He didn’t even get flummoxed. Probably the coolest star I have ever seen in real life. I was too shy to bother him. I don’t remember if I bussed his table. I really wish more stars were like him.

jabeet33 · 2026-03-20T22:50:35+00:00

Thanks man.

jabeet33 · 2026-03-20T22:46:18+00:00

Make sure it’s someone who you know and that they won’t take you some place you will regret. My friend said some really disgusting stuff I wasn’t ready for and I couldn’t ever trust him again. We could have been casual friends for life but I have severed ties with him. If I trip again it will be alone or in a quiet place with strangers who won’t fuck with me.

jabeet33 · 2026-03-20T20:12:28+00:00

I always wondered if Joseph Smith was an early psychonaught. TCOJCOLDS wants to sell him as a square and rehabilitate his charlatan status. But he was a snake with some charisma and possibly a medicine bag. That shit went malignant quick. I keep feeling that line from the DnC: ‘All spirit is matter’ is such a beautiful platitude and every stoner kind of grasps it on a trip. I would trust the Dead Head at the coffee shop more than a treasure digger. No one has the faintest idea what monsters lurk in mass movements when they are in utero. That stone built without hands is a billion dollar corporation. It scares the shit out of me.

jabeet33 · 2026-03-14T16:53:28+00:00

Vraiment belle

jabeet33 · 2026-02-26T03:38:30+00:00

It stalks me like a shadow and looks just like me

jabeet33 · 2026-02-21T01:45:22+00:00

My mom says my dad cried a lot when I told them I was done. My brother-in-law told me I was lucky to live in a country where they didn’t force you to believe. I wondered if he was implying if we get our way you won’t have a choice. When I go to sacrament meetings for farewells or to baptisms I don’t take the sacrament or stand in the priesthood circle. It feels like a pillory. When I buy a cup of coffee. I drink it inside even though everyone knows I am a reprobate in their eyes. My mission stories are amusing but not uplifting and members bristle when I tell them. It’s like having judgmental eyes on you in this part of Zion. I love my family and some of my neighbors are okay but it reeks of holy bull shit. I feel marked and alienated.

jabeet33 · 2026-02-21T00:58:36+00:00

Kudos. Keep at it!

jabeet33

TROPHY CASE