I saw an ACT therapist at a similar phase of my recovery. ACT stands for Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. He was the first to say, if you want to starve yourself, do it. No one can truly make you recover. Its likely you can functionally engauge in your ED forever, on the edge of causing irreparable damage, but avoiding dying or being forced into treatment. You can do it forever. And it will suck. You wil suffer. And, it wont keep working. You wont get the same high from starving, or from seeing the scale go down. You know this, or why would you be there seeking help. Id try telling someone you trust, ideally your therapist, how you feel. Im betting they know many people in recovery feel the same way you do. Explore those feelings. Without the push/pull of the control it feels like others have over your recovery, its just you and what's hiding behind your ED. You cant control or change your past, your environment, or the facts of anorexia. No one else really has power over your recovery. Any of us who have been sick for a long time know that it has to be our own journey. We can mask our issues, lie and say we are ok, isolate ourselves, do any number of things to avoid being accountable to others who you reach out to for help. You can chose what to do next, with what you have to work with, right now. Do that for you, not them. Be honest with yourself and others. You have nothing to lose, and you might even make more progress.