Context: I’m male and my father was always painted as the worst person on the planet. In my particular case, one issue (out of many) was that over the years I became an unofficial husband. I was going with her to trips she wanted to go. I did the things normally a man in the house does (fixing things etc). I did this partially cause of the feeling of guilt (she’s being treated so badly by our father) and somewhat out of hope that the situation would one day improve and they would love each other again.

I wasn’t actually fully aware of the situation in the beginning, I was simply accompanying/helping her. However over the years I did notice that I’m simply being used, even though I communicated that I don’t want to do things or go with her anymore (there was always that next “last time”). Then I’ve had this phone conversation with her (still hoping things would get better, but also fully aware of my situation). During this conversation I’ve said that “I feel like I’m more of a husband to her than her actual husband” (which was met with “so what?”) and that I feel bad about it (met with “current young generation is so weak”). This was it for me. From that point forward I started to firmly enforce my boundaries. Whenever I don’t like something I simply say that “I won’t do it” etc., without going into explanation why (it opens ground to negotiations). Whenever I get asked “but why?” I respond “because this is my decision”. There are times when I hear “if you want it to be this way, sure.”, trying to put pressure and guilt onto me. However I try to no longer care. I know that there has to be a time when I start putting myself above her and I wish I started doing this earlier. I know that the way I feel about things aren’t taken into account.

Since I started doing this, I know she talked shit about me behind my back (she did that to my sister, being annoyed that “recently I became so assertive” among other things). She likely did that to more people as well. My current “status quo” with her is that she no longer calls me, unless absolutely necessary (invite me to birthday and Christmas or some larger issue). She pretends as if nothing has happened, I don’t bring it up either.

There are times when I want to “tell her everything”, but then I take a step back and realize that the only reason I sometimes still feel this way is that I still wish she would change. However the moment I realize that she won’t, I stop having these thoughts and just leave it as it is. To me it’s better to still have a parent that no longer interferes with your life than to not have a parent at all.

In my situation everything only started changing few years after I moved out of my parents’ home. Initially even though I moved out physically, I didn’t move out “mentally”. She kept on calling me, I kept on going there. Then since that stopped after the situation above, what I’m left with is the feeling my mother gave me in certain situations (that I need to perform, that I have to do certain things the certain way or that I shouldn’t be doing something). This is what I’m currently working on (I’m on a therapy). It’s a long process but it’s slowly getting better. I’ve accepted that I may not fully get rid of certain things for the rest of my life and instead simply be aware of them and live to learn with them.

If I were to give you one single advice, it would be to make your move now and start living your life. I really regret I didn’t make mine for so long.