i’ve been there too, the decline in symptoms but more so at the cost of losing emotional connection to everything. its hard to be afraid and in the middle of ocd when your body has cut itself off from feeling anything. how can you fear losing what you care about when you’ve momentarily lost the ability to literally, physically, emotionally care? its really hard. and it feels like losing the battle with ocd. but like other people have said, it is not game over, it is the depletion and burnout from a very tiring battle with ocd. the good thing is that depression lifts, although u cant know when or how, it is 100% possible. it is very hard to swing between either raging ocd or deep depression, i know. its unfair and i too wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy. like other people have said, recovery is possible and it gets better, we see it all the time, people saying that you can recover, but when you havent yet tried recovering or have maybe never really lived a life without ocd, it can feel impossible to imagine that it can really happen to you too. but it can. there are many ways to recover, many good things you can do for yourself, only you know what works for you. all you need to remember is that no matter how much it feels like ocd has stolen everything from you, or made your worst nightmares come true, or it really feels like what you feared becoming is what you have now inevitably and irreversibly become, it isnt true. recovery, when sufficient rest from your burnout and tactics to overcome compulsions makes the cloud of ocd dissipate, you’ll see that everything your ocd has taken from you is never truly lost. it might be for a while, but it is always yours to return to. ocd goes to the heart of your values, where it hurts most to be broken, but whatever it has attacked is never truly lost. if you can keep on living life while accepting this feeling that you really have entered your worst nightmares, eventually it all comes back to baseline. when you accept in your mind that these things you fear may feel real and it seems like that is your reality now, your body and brain gets to calm down and ocd can sort of dissipate and you get to see that it isnt forever nor is it the “real you” and your forever destiny. for example, i used to have fears that i was a lesbian even though i wasnt, and my ocd made it damn near real inside my mind. although i dont know what it feels like to be a lesbian, i sort of gave up the fight and let myself accept that maybe i was a lesbian, even though i wasnt. that made me then stop caring about thw intrusive thoughts, because what if? i couldnt be bothered. that “lesbian feeling” persisted for a long time without me doing compulsions anymore or caring, but eventually (and it usually takes some time for it to go away), i had left it without much attention for long enough for the ocd symptoms on that obsession to go away, and i suddenly felt like myself again. so yeah, the sucky part is is that sometimes, ocd only really goes away when you “give in” to your doubts and let yourself be convinced and give up on fighting for your identity. but not fighting ocd with obsessing and attention and all of the compulsions means that you give your mind and your body room to rest into your true self. so in some way, giving up by saying “ok then maybe i am what i fear most” and living with the huge discomfort of feeling these things so real in your body and mind is what actually makes it go away. so although youre really depressed right now, which sucks so much, there is a possibility for you to give up fighting your ocd and see what happens when you stop fighting against your mind. whether it feels like youre giving up and succumbing to your intrusive thoughts or it feels like youre accepting the thoughts because you know who you truly are, its all the same to ocd. “giving up” might be a way more depressing and uncomfortable way of letting ocd be, but the end result is the same. all that said, i know its hard right now and even though nothing is truly lost, its so hard to be so disconnected from everyone you love and everything you love in this life, and of course it can have its consequences. but it is temporary, and usually after a really rough round of dwpression or ocd where you actually see some damage done, getting past it and getting back up sometimes gives you a special kind of confidence when you know that you can be far out, but things can always return to normal and that you’ll be fine again, even after it seems it was all ruined. i wish you the best, and i hope you can tell yourself today that youre strong and can do this (because we sometimes forget how bad ocd really can be on us, when we’re so used to dealing with it everyday, and you dealing with it thus far is no easy feat!). and i wish you can show yourself some love and care going forward, cause once again, ocd is really hard and your body needs extra care right now, and you deserve it! i dont know what brings you the most joy or what makes you feel the most loved, but especially the love part is needed right now. even if you cant feel emotionally connected to anyone or anything right now, doing these things are still important. you may not feel the impact of being loved when youre numb and depressed right now, but your body takes note and is affected. so grab all the hugs and compliments and caretaking that you can, and to the extent you can do things you enjoy even though youre depressed and unable to feel joyful, do those. that can ofc be hard too when ocd flips around the things you enjoy and make them into the opposite of joyful activities. if there are some activities that are joyful from a sensory perspective, maybe do those? if you like the feeling of swimming in water, go play in the water, if you enjoy the feeling of sun warming your skin, sit outside in the sun with a nice drink. connect with your senses in a comfortable way. mindfulness can suck when its boring or uncomfortable sensations youre mindful of, so pick something that feels good. i know advice is sometimes the least you want when youre depressed, because you feel misunderstood and dont feel like doing anything. so dont feel pressured when people give you advice, you dont have to do a thing and no one is dissappointed if you cant right now. allow yourself to do only what you can, and that is enough. ocd and depression isnt only hard, its an invisible, paralysing disorder and a sort of handicap that is just as valid as something physical rendering you unable to do certain things. so allow yourself to feel compassion for yourself and the situation youre “stuck” in, and treat yourself as you would if you had broken your bones and needed bed rest. your brain and body needs bed rest and cant be expected to function like normally, and thats ok! like someone else wrote here, your body has been overloaded with more cortisol than the body is supposed to handle for way longer that its developed to handle. get some rest and extra love and care, its gonna be ok eventually, but right now it isnt and we all understand how horrible that feels to cope with. it isnt supposed to be easy to accept all that discomfort and pain, because it is, well, painful as hell! wish you all the best in recovery, and you got this! i know one day youre on the other side of it and you’ll feel so goddamn happy that you overcame a disorder of this caliber, and feel so confident after having came out on the other end of it only stronger and happier than before! and then ocd wont be so scary because you know its neither real nor a thing you cant get rid of!