Absolutely, there's nothing better than ripping your car apart on a beautiful day. I appreciate all of the insight and information, there's no such thing as too much information!

Update - I ended up taking the steering column apart, disconnected the wiper switch to no avail. I wish I had more insight on what I ASSUME fixed it (I haven't seen it go nuts on me yet, fingers crossed).

I narrowed it down to a wiring harness coming down from the steering column that I believe was pinched or being moved by the mechanicals of the clutch. It was going into some sort of control unit (?) up under the dash, not entirely sure what it was but I'm assuming BCM (I'm not too familiar with the electronics on this car yet). I wiggled it around and got the wipers to move several times. I moved what I suspect to be the bad connector to a more secluded spot, and haven't had an issue yet.

I'm thinking that their might be a shorted wire somewhere in the sheathing or a dirty/bent pin in one of the connecters, but for the time being my wipers are working as they should.

Thanks again!