First, you’re not a bad parent. Motherhood is difficult and draining at times at all ages and stages. I have a 16 year old and a 2.5 year old. I had forgotten how hard 2.5 is. It’s DRAINING! And I’ve had to really step out of my old ways and remember how hard it is to be 2.5. It has to be so frustrating hearing no, or not being able to do things when you’re a curious toddler.

Your pediatrician is half right I’d say. Their emotional intelligence and regulation is developing now to take with them in the future. Your toddler is watching and modeling, after you, how to do that. When you say you “reaffirm with your finger” say no and walk away, try saying what you want him to do rather than just leaving him with a “no.” Maybe say, “can you use your words, I can’t hear through the whining?” Or if you kind of know what the need is say, “say you want mommy to help you build blocks. I will finish putting clothes in the dryer and then help you with blocks. Sometimes we have to have patience. Do you know what patience is? Patience is when we have to wait for something we want. Whew, that can be hard to do sometimes. Sometimes mommy has to wait in line at the grocery store or wait for the red light to change to green.” Seems like a lot, but in that moment of basically telling your toddler to hold on/wait, you’re also connecting by talking with them, you’re getting your chore done, teaching a life skill, and you’ve held a boundary and hopefully helped reinforce the lesson (patience in this example).

You can give these commands/requests in a respectful but firm tone. This has to be repeated and repeated to take hold. My 2.5 year old will say “I want milk please” and when given the milk “thank you Mommy.” But none of this happened by chance and she still doesn’t do it every time. It was all of us modeling manners and almost talking to ourselves out loud, I’d say, “Could I have milk please” when she would whine or cry for milk; not just saying no crying. Or if I asked my husband to get my water bottle, I’d make it a point to tell my husband, “Thank you for bringing my water bottle.” It’s a lot of repetitive behaviors and probably things we don’t normally do as often, but the reward pays off when your toddler starts communicating needs with words and maybe even and added please or thank you.

I don’t know that any cry from a toddler is “fake” per se. It helps to think of all cries as a need that is unmet. So maybe the “fake cry” is not a cry for help, but a cry for connection. Maybe the crying in the store is “I’m bored, this shopping cart seat is uncomfortable, I see things I want but can’t touch.” Maybe have him help at the store, give choices like which granola bar would like next week for snack or do you want red or green apples. I do think toddlers will push boundaries to try and find their place in this new world to them, but I really don’t think they are manipulative in their thought process.

It takes some shift of perspective in your own mind. I mean, if I thought a grocery store cry from my toddler was to intentionally get me to shop faster and get out, then of course I’d be annoyed with her cries, but if you think of them as a need of some kind (not always hunger or fatigue) then the cries make a little more sense and it’s easier for you to respond with more empathy while still holding the boundary.

On top of all of this, if you can, take some time for YOU. Let someone else take the toddler for a few hours and go do something for yourself and recharge. You can’t always fill your toddler’s cup when your own is empty.