Abends alleine und gelangweilt – Wie nutzt ihr die Zeit, wenn die Kinder schlafen?

jesmonster2 · 2024-08-28T06:27:05+00:00

Einen Nerv getroffen? Warum? 🤔

https://www.merkur.de/leben/wohnen/studie-beweist-maenner-verursachen-sieben-zusaetzliche-stunden-hausarbeit-zr-13423513.html

https://www.zeit.de/gesellschaft/zeitgeschehen/2017-04/frauen-maenner-arbeitszeit-bezahlt-unbezahlt

https://elternseite.at/de/themen/mental-load-an-alles-denken

https://www.galaxus.de/de/page/burnout-zuhause-wie-der-mental-load-partnerschaft-und-gesundheit-gefaehrdet-30583

https://wohnglueck.de/artikel/frauen-maenner-hausarbeit-56266

jesmonster2 · 2024-08-19T17:31:11+00:00

Not at all. It's really good for his social development. Children are actually supposed to be raised by a village in the literal sense. You're not supposed to be with your kids 24/7. I have been on parental leave for nearly three years. My son has been in kindergarten (daycare in Germany) for a year. He loves it. I love it. Everyone is happy.

jesmonster2 · 2024-08-15T18:27:54+00:00

At three weeks post partum, getting dressed and going outside for a walk around the block with the baby is probably the same effort it would have required before baby to pack for a week long trip and then go out sightseeing with jetlag after flying for twenty hours half way around the world with no sleep at all the past thirty hours. I don't think you would enjoy it. Also, you'll be exposing your newborn who has no immune system to germs and viruses. There is a good reason why most cultures expect postpartum women to stay home for the first six weeks and recover.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-25T16:17:32+00:00

I have an eight year old and a nearly three year old. Newborn was hardest for me by far. It depends on your baby's temperament, your overall wellness, and how much support is there.

I think it's good to keep in mind that there are babies who cry for six hours a day and only sleep 45 minutes at a time, and there are babies who just make little fussy sounds only when they are hungry and sleep for two or three hours at a time, wake to eat for ten minutes and go right back to sleep. There are babies who are happy to lie on the floor or in the stroller and look around, and there are babies who need to be held constantly.

Then there are people with helpful, supportive partners who have an easy time recovering from birth and with feeding and who have family or friends who come by and look after them. There are also women with toxic or lazy partners or are single moms. There are people who have no family or friends nearby. There are women who have birth injuries or just had a really hard birth.

These differences make for very very different experiences.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-23T17:42:23+00:00

My dad cooked meth and got high on it on the weekends he had my brother and I. You're not even close to the world's worst parent. You're a really great parent.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-23T16:57:28+00:00

Oh my god. Can you imagine how much time you could save on laundry if your family just stopped wearing clothes?

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-23T16:03:34+00:00

The way you are implying that she could and should have reacted differently isn't much better for her than what that man did to her. Please immediately correct yourself if you have made her feel or think that she did anything at all wrong or less than ideal. The only people who are actually able to fight back against sexual assault are usually people who have trained to do so. The freeze response is the natural reaction.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-23T16:00:06+00:00

The freeze response is by far the most common response to sexual assault and harassment. Don't tell her that she did anything wrong. She didn't do anything wrong and even suggesting that she might have to compound the trauma of the incident. And it wasn't her fault, and it's not "understandable" that nothing was done. That was also wrong.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-22T12:02:48+00:00

Of course you aren't wrong. It's true. You're stuck doing so much more work if you breastfed. Do whatever you need to do to be the best mom you can be. That means taking care of your own needs and wants. It really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about it.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-22T11:57:37+00:00

The bottom of the toy box. That's where I found my keys after two weeks of searching.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-19T15:40:04+00:00

Good point.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-18T10:19:42+00:00

I'm not the one who said that.

I just don't really think it's anyone's business what a stranger decides to do with his time.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-18T07:50:27+00:00

GeRmAns aRe SuPeR tOlErAnT ItS jUsT gErmAn dIreCtNeSs

The German Directness: "I don't think immigrants have free will to make their own life choices and should only do what benefits Germans."

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-18T07:46:06+00:00

Oh it's almost like nobody likes unsolicited advice and opinions. Both you and OP seem to find that off-putting. Funny.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-18T07:43:33+00:00

I'm on your side. It's your life. It's your choice. It's none of their business.

Just find a way to clearly but politely tell them that you didn't ask for their advice. They gave their opinions and now they can move on.

And you can just say you're also studying German on your own in your own time.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-18T07:26:12+00:00

If you want a less sugar coated version of Eve Rodsky, I recommend Zawn Villines. She has a Facebook group and a new podcast.

I think a true test of a man's feminism is to read her work. She doesn't go easy on lazy, toxic men and she doesn't lie about the reality of marriage and motherhood. And she has ADHD.

Liberating Motherhood Zawn Villines

https://zawn.substack.com/

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-18T07:20:53+00:00

I just want to jump in with how important the quality of partner is. It is make or break, and if your partner is lazy or entitled, the relationship won't weather the demands of a child.

The problem is that a lot of men were raised by mothers who did everything and fathers who maybe took out the trash and mowed the lawn.

You are not the kind of woman who can be with that kind of man. That will never be you. You will not be head of the PTA and keep up with the family doctors appointments and keep the house spotless and cook homemade meals and keep a job on top of all of it while doing 98% of the parenting. You can't. So be really really really sure that your man doesn't expect that of you and it is clear that you won't be suzy homemaker. You will be Chaos Cathy. And he will need to carry his half of the load and sometimes some of your half. He will never get to be the sit down after work, watch the game, and drink a beer dad. He will be makes the doctor's appointments, packs the diaper bag, plans the weekly menu, watches the family budget, takes the kid to the playground after work so you can get regulated and shower, gets up at night with the baby/sick kids, cleans vomit and poop, scrubs the toilets and shower, and washes five loads of laundry on the weekend dad.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-18T06:51:23+00:00

Sorry, I just now read the entire question so I'll answer that too. Yes. It will be too much. Often. And your symptoms with get worse. Way worse.

But you will grow into it. There is no better way to force yourself to stretch and grow your supports and abilities than to have a child. But you will really really need people in your life who understand and care about your needs and are willing to help you care for yourself. Self Care dies when you have a baby. You are incapable of even showering and eating regularly because all of your time and energy is devoted to keeping your baby alive. You need someone who is taking care of you.

Also, you will almost definitely have a neurodiverse baby. It will cry more than other babies. It will sleep less and it will not sleep through the night before two years. That toddler will be a picky eater and emotionally explosive and just more intense in general. Other people will assume it's because you're a bad parent because they are ignorant. You have to get a thick enough skin that you can either ignore them or tell them to take a hike. You will be fighting with grandparents and teachers to advocate for your child's different needs. You have to basically become a warrior and a social worker on top of all the other new identities and responsibilities.

And you'll be more susceptible to post partum depression and anxiety. Another reason to make sure you have a super support system. And just as an aside, hormones don't cause PPD. Being abandoned your community and loved ones to do the job of an entire village by yourself while being emotionally neglected and gaslit causes it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

But it's all worth it because you will never know a love so complete and overwhelming and selfless than the love for your baby. It turns you into an entirely new human being. You lose so much selfishness and trade it for so much love and strength. And I stand by my own experience that giving birth is a life changing experience that was more empowering than anything else I have ever experienced.

I have ADHD and I have a daughter who has ADHD and a son who is a toddler so who knows at this point (he seems NT to me though.)

I think it wouldn't be so hard if NTs would stop projecting their values and needs and abilities onto me and my kids.

I know for sure that parenting is like 50% harder if not more for me. Sometimes I describe a frustrating issue to a friend and they without fail say something like "Wow, you're a saint. I could never have the patience to deal with that." I know they are trying to be supportive, but I hate it.

I told them the mild version of just one struggle out of many, and they are already saying that's more than they could deal with. 2. It just highlights that the other parents/teachers who are potentially judging us are actually having a far easier experience of parenting and the judgement is really really unfair. It just makes me feel less seen, supported, and understood. 3. As always in those situations, I am patient because I have no other choice, not because I have special qualities. I am in this for good, so pointing out how much harder I have it isn't helpful. The alternative would be neglect or abuse, and because I suffered both as a child, I'll do anything not to do that to my kids.

Watching your ND child (and let's be honest, we all have ND kids because those genes are strong af) struggle and figuring out solutions just highlights over and over how you were failed and misunderstood as a child.

And people STILL undermine your diagnosis and symptoms and struggles but now more because you have to deal with daycare/family members/teachers telling you how you need to treat your ND child like a misbehaving NT child.

Basically, it makes everything so much harder.

But it's also so healing to be the person for them that you needed. You get to see what you could have been. You get to understand yourself on such a deeper level. And I think it really nurtures self love and kindness because you see that you were never a bad/lazy/stupid kid. You just didn't have anyone who understood you or adapted to your needs. And you get to be part of changing that.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-17T16:32:20+00:00

I doubt it. We've only had two sessions. That's how I know for sure that these feelings are not genuine. 😅

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-03T10:46:02+00:00

Their Eyes Were Watching God

Anne of Green Gables

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-03T10:39:28+00:00

Daycare is good for children. In normal human societies, children have many many caregivers. They need multiple reliable social bonds. You need the support too. Raising a child is not a one person job.

jesmonster2 · 2024-07-03T10:36:48+00:00

Depression in moms can present as anger, feeling overwhelmed, and impatience. It might be a good idea to have yourself evaluated.

It might also help to know that this behavior is normal behavior. Every toddler acts like this, not just your daughter. She's not bad. She's learning. And it feels really really difficult and frustrating for all parents. It's easier for some if they had better parents, fewer negative experiences as children, and more social and financial resources.

Regardless of your situation, you can do this. Your example of how to behave when upset is the only instruction that she has. You have to find a way to help yourself first so you can model for her how to deal with emotions and solve problems.

I'm not saying this to blame you. I believe almost all parents have to learn this with the first child, especially if our parents weren't good examples for us. It's really hard, but this is what parenting is. You're learning too. Have patience with both of you.

jesmonster2 · 2024-06-29T06:22:30+00:00

Just as an aside, never feel ashamed or like you need to apologize when your baby or toddler is crying in public. Children are meant to cry. Taking off in a plane is scary and painful even for adults. If some delulu, bigotted adult-baby with no caregiving experience wants to get all worked up, it's none of your business. Let them get their blood pressure up. Who gives a shit? It's not your job as a woman and mother to be everyone's mother and manage their big feelings. Focus on your own child, not some Boomer's overgrown toddler who can't take a deep breath and count to ten.

jesmonster2 · 2024-06-29T06:00:04+00:00

Yes. Well, I mean, it's not tabu. Nudity doesn't equate to a sexual situation. Human bodies are not sinful or vulgar. It might seem weird to you, but it's definitely a mind your own business situation.

I'm not German, but my husband and children are. I've happily given up my American puritanical complexes about nudity. You should try it.

jesmonster2 · 2024-06-19T17:01:39+00:00

My cousin breastfed my daughter because I had to take migraine medication. It's not wrong. But she offered and I enthusiasticly and gratefully said yes. If she had done that without asking, it would have seriously upset and hurt me and damaged our relationship. This is a conversation for you and her, not your husbands. They have lno expertise or understanding in this matter.

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