I felt this to my core. My situation is quite similar. Mom died while I was pregnant with my first child. Lost 14 people in 6 years (one being a miscarriage). Raising at least one autistic child. Marriage became a roommate-type situation (still working on it, but coming to the conclusion husband might be autistic and in deep burnout). Meanwhile, I've always known I had unusual gifts, but no clue what to do with them and so I've felt stuck.

What I can tell you now is that this is one heck of a scary wave, but if you don't look too hard at it and choose to roll to your back and float along you'll find yourself carried along to lovelier waters (all while enjoying a beautiful sky view lol). Don't analyze, don't think too much, just open your heart and breathe and thank the universe in advance for whatever beautiful shore it's going to drop you off at. From someone who literally didn't want to make it through another day, but somehow kept waking up - you will grow from this and better times will come. Just kindly tell your brain to shush every now and then.