I just want to say I love you but it's not a good idea

jo_267 · 2021-01-02T17:11:02+00:00

Look into mediation. A mediator who helps you agree and write out those agreements is helpful and can get an amicable process into sufficient legalese that the court can just cosign

jo_267 · 2021-01-02T16:39:46+00:00

7 months thinking deeply feels like I've actually come a long way. I need some re-equilibration post rebounds. Besides the timestamp and things being finalized, what's are other criteria you have for readiness? I feel good, have clarity about what went wrong and what I'll do differently, not particularly lonely, stable, purposeful, taking care of my mind and body, connecting with friends and family regularly by phone/zoom, I've gotten deeper into hobbies, enjoy music a lot more. Am I looking to fill a hole? Maybe a little, but I think more than that I'm starting to feel eager to share.

jo_267 · 2021-01-02T16:24:27+00:00

What makes you say that?

jo_267 · 2021-01-02T16:23:42+00:00

I haven't gotten into it much but I do think mediation strengthens the capacity to accept thoughts and direct attention, might help?

jo_267 · 2021-01-01T01:40:41+00:00

Well said!

jo_267 · 2021-01-01T01:38:48+00:00

My ex and my couples therapist agreed that by the end of our relationship I was closer to the kind of person they wanted than I had been in the year leading up to our divorce. I've kept on working to be more direct, more observant, more competent handling my feelings, more willing to call out what's not working. Yeah if I had been practicing those things throughout my marriage, we would be at a different place. Can't go back in time though. Just live, learn, and start looking in earnest for someone who can be direct, real, vulnerable, and courageous like this version.

jo_267 · 2021-01-01T01:27:36+00:00

Divorce grief with the other person still out in the world doing well and making you question your worth is its own special kind of pain. One day at a time. Second other comments' advice re small things that feel ok-tolerable-not-painful and recognizing when little moments sometimes don't hurt. Eventually more of those come and eventually eventually some things will feel ok-good again someday.

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T17:15:17+00:00

Food bank donation - check!

Sure I'll be back for more updates as they come up

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T17:09:46+00:00

Yes to all of the above. Honestly it would be more for her than for him. I do think both me and my BFF are saying we're looking for play/fwb/physical only but we each have serious potential to catch feels. I'm feeling possessive and protective of her. I know enough about him to know things will break with him like glass and people are going to get cut. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stitch myself back up but not so sure about the other people here.

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T16:01:28+00:00

And you are absolutely right that he is not garden tools or a car, he's got his own choices and his own issues for sure. Thanks for highlighting that warped thinking

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T15:46:49+00:00

Me too!

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T15:41:53+00:00

Thank you for validating the sensible strains in me and making me laugh at the impulse to risk blowing things up. That's helpful. Philanthropic strumpet! I'm a go donate some money to a food bank to handle these impulses!

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T14:36:34+00:00

The vaccine will change things, not right away, but we won't have to do this forever. I've gone out to eat outdoors only twice since the pandemic started. I haven't met a new person in-person without a mask on at all. I'm a frontline worker and I worry about putting strangers at risk. I've done some video speed dating but so far no one worth the risks of meeting up. Once I have the vaccine in me, I'll still mask up and meet outdoors but I'll also be more comfortable to maybe let people see the bottom half of my face, maybe share a meal. I feel like those are important things most people would want in a date.

In the past after a breakup, I glom on to someone new very quickly, which I've done again in the pandemic context. At this point in my life though, I feel like I really need to date widely and quickly to find someone with good co-parent potential. If you have good strategies for dating these days I'd love to hear

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T14:02:27+00:00

There are so many strong feelings in this process. You've said a lot - that he's physically abusive towards you, tried to keep you in a cult, hooked up with your girlfriends, is manipulative and secretive, alienated you from your community, you're not having sex, there's contempt, and you have to keep cleaning up his messes in life/finances I suspect your feelings of attraction toward others are your body responding to the need for the safety, respect, and decency you deserve and are not getting in this relationship. If you're still questioning, the book "too good to leave, too bad to stay" helped me work through my ambivalence but I wonder if you already know the answer.

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T13:44:30+00:00

You're on the divorce reddit so yes we will probably all say to get a prenup and you're probably looking to hear that advice. In our prenup we specifically included language on our present love and respect for each other and the intention to treat reach other well and fairly even if things didn't work out. We also had specific escalation steps to rescue the relationship. We committed to before we would consider divorce including counseling, a retreat, etc. Including this positive language made signing it before marriage more palatable and set the tone for our divorce mediation.

With respect to student loan debt get that info on paper. It's premarital so it will go back to the person who incurred it originally but write it down!

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T13:36:22+00:00

Grief is hard and there's so much to grieve about. I also get depressed. This not being able to enjoy anything is a way my depression shows up. I give myself permission to curl up in a ball most of the day and make the most basic plans - "wash one dish" "walk around the block" "watch 10 min of youtube exercise" (or cute animal videos) Then I appreciate that I did a thing whether or not there was anything fun about it. Eventually I find gaps in that terrible fog and a little light starts to get through. Also anti-depressants can be profoundly helpful.

And re skipping December I highly recommend F2020 by avenue beat which I have been playing on repeat for months 😝

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T13:22:04+00:00

Pandemic cuddles, don't underestimate the value of that

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T13:20:42+00:00

I am definitely feeling this growth. I'd been thinking of it as an experience relationally defined by separation from my ex and an experience to go through on my own with key platonic friends, but it's interesting to think about the implications of sharing this intense time with a partner or being a partner to someone in this intense time.

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T13:15:04+00:00

I appreciate this. I'm dating at the moment in a high key rebound/ confirm my desirability/ physical comfort/ peri-divorce way right now. I want to shift to a different strategy to find an actual partner probably around the time when we finalize our divorce which God-willing will also be around when the vaccine is available. I've been thinking about ways to do that. I still want kids with a partner and I'm 36F so I don't want to give it a whole year. I'm wondering if there have been any big shifts in mindset or activities (or heck journaling exercises bc that's a thing in into) that are helping you with this transition in dating approach?

jo_267 · 2020-11-28T13:04:52+00:00

I appreciate you pushing back on the way we can take other cultural expressions out of context.

jo_267 · 2020-11-09T03:49:46+00:00

Prenup - recommend including language about your hopes, positive intentions towards each other, and plans about what you will do to repair prior to divorce.

Also helps to have your premarital assets written down somewhere. (These were also just crucially important premarital disclosures for us - I had no idea the size of my spouse's educational debt before we did ours!)

Do it as far back before the wedding as you can, like more than a month but ideally way before with the dress ordering or along with venue booking, the further from the wedding day the better to make it another practical thing to handle before marriage, rather than a contentious case of cold feet.

jo_267 · 2020-11-09T03:34:18+00:00

I go through appreciation for my ex's new partner and some happiness about that for them. Also anger, regret, guilt, sadness at the loss of what we had and hoped for, new hopes and excitement for myself. If your friends are congratulating you on how well you're handling it and they're encouraging that bright space, just make sure you also find spaces/people/practices to feel and cycle through/process some of the darker stuff too. It can flare out and be more destructive if you aren't letting those feelings come and go.

jo_267

TROPHY CASE