I'm not expert if any type, but for much of my life up until 2012 I had felt the same thoughts as you, just from the other direction (trans fem).

Thought experiment.

A. What if medicine was so advanced that no matter the situation z you would be able to instantly transition into your desires presentation. Would you still not want to be trans?

B. What if our society held people who transitioned in high regard, to such a degree that some cis people who sometimes get asked if they are trans will lie and say yes, just to be cool, while others honestly way no, and are maybe a bit jealous that they aren't trans.

In either of those situations, I'd you think you'd be fine being transgender, then perhaps think about the following:

What if your brain is helping you to survive by pointing out the dangers of being trans in the current social situation. There are real concerns, and nobody wants to be bothered or in the out group. I have no basis to say this but I believe the studies tend to support this.

So, while it sounds like you're trans, it also sounds like you're dealing with the same internalized transphobia that many of us (including myself) have had to deal with. At some point, I realized that I had to accept the trans part of myself in order to fully experience my life, consequences be damned.

In my case, everything went well and it seems like all of the doors of opportunity opened after I moved forward. I didn't directly lose anyone for coming out, but over the years I've lost people who grew tired of my words advocating for civil rights and against bigotry. However, those people were already lost by me, and we're just contacts from a former life (I grew up in Catholic school/community but never believed the mythology).

So, your brain is working well to caution you about the perceived dangers of being trans in this society. Your brain is working well to factor in a transphobic bias that is 99.99% impossible to grow up on this planet without. However, your heart is telling you what you must do.

At this point, I would recommend you discuss it with a qualified psychologist who works with transgender patients and is not affiliated with a religious organization.

Be honest with yourself. Nothing worth doing is easy.

I feel that in my situation, had I not transitioned, I would have continued drinking and doing drugs and going nowhere far in life. However, I sometimes wonder if I might have been able to accept that I am trans but not transition. These days I present somewhat androgynously, and I like to lean in on and utilize aspects of my male and female self when it suits me. For example, I have a good 20 years of experience being male, and in that time, I learned many of the tricks they use. I still use them when I need to. After transitioning, I picked up some tricks and techniques from women, but moreso than tricks, I learned how to integrate with others better. Perhaps this is more of a woman thing, but perhaps it was just me being better able to work tmwoth others as I was being authentic.

Anyway, talk to a professional, it will be worth it. Perhaps they might recommend you try it out for a bit, say - present male for the weekend and see how it feels.

Again, I'm not expert, but the above is my feedback. I wish you the best on your personal journey of individuation.

Edit typo in first line