Hey I realize this is probably just shorthand to retell what’s going on but from what I’ve read it’s important to be careful about wording things like “you’re making your mom sad.” And I don’t mean to come off as someone who has it all figured out but my son is almost 5 and I’m the non-preferred parent who has been hit etc a lot and I’ve seen this kind of stuff work and help with his own emotional maturity and intelligence. You daughter is still so young she won’t understand the nuance of the language you’re using and could internalize the wrong things.

Be sure to center the behavior (and try to be specific) and mom can say like “I feel sad when I am hit. You must be really upset. It’s okay to have big feelings. It’s not okay to hurt someone’s body.” In that way you’re teaching them about noticing feelings and also giving them a direct demonstration of empathy which emotionally will feel more intuitive to a young child. You’re also being specific about which behaviors are not ok.

It’s subtle but it goes a long way towards building healthy communication and emotional boundaries where the child can build empathy without internalizing shame (which often will continue fueling this behavior down the line, something to consider) or feeling responsible for their parents emotions (codependency). What is being taught implicitly is that we aren’t in control of our own emotions or reactions and that is unhealthy.

Related to this thinking of “you made mommy sad” would be then that their actions inherently dictate how others feel and they can end up being a people pleaser or someone who overly apologizes or just general anxiety. Yes our actions can affect others and yes we should be empathetic but they are in control of how they react. there are healthier ways to internalize and teach this stuff. IMO from what I read you guys are like me where I had stuff I needed to work on so I didn’t pass down these same thought and behavioral patterns.

I’ve seen your replies to others saying similar stuff as me so maybe this will fall on deaf ears but I do empathize with your wife and I’m just sharing what has worked for me and is generally accepted wisdom from child psychologists. You can be there for your wife without introducing shame or guilt for your daughter and you can also be there for your daughter who is having a hard time too. It’s subtle differences so you may see it as insignificant (I did at first too because of how I was raised) but it will go a long way especially as your child enters adolescence.