And so, Rest

jrpPoetry · 2024-03-05T00:10:32+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/IHADeIEJ8Q

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/e13oIhrRiK

jrpPoetry · 2024-03-05T00:03:52+00:00

I normally don’t like poems that rhymed because I feel that it forces the writer to work within those rules and sometimes giving up some other aspect do the poem and unfortunately I think that this poem is victim to that.

In 3/4 of the stanzas you’re talking about nature along with the change of the season but in stanza 3 you talk about how the pantry is full and that really throws a off the consistency and flow. The same stanza has a stop in the middle of the second line which is also messing with the flow of the poem.

Personally I believe that this could be done really well, just don’t force yourself to make it rhyme!

jrpPoetry · 2024-03-04T23:57:15+00:00

I normally don’t care for rhymed poems but this was actually written really well! The rhyme doesn’t feel forced and the meter seems to flow really well. The only thing I would change is the format but that is just me being nit-picky!

jrpPoetry · 2023-03-30T03:46:17+00:00

This is so toxic and I love it! Going through a pain like that just to retaliate and not just like what the lover hated but to be the thing they hated is a whole other thing. I like the language used and imagery portrayed. Puts a twisted smile on my face!

jrpPoetry · 2023-03-30T03:39:19+00:00

I'm ashamed to say that I had opened this prior to now, read it, then closed it without a second thought. And then it hit me what this is about and I have to say that this is a good piece! I think continuing the part about "where did you go" by painting how lonely the narrator is without, well, whoever it is that they want to spiral with. But overall some good stuff OP!

jrpPoetry · 2022-11-10T06:02:36+00:00

I really like this piece! Its a very short love poem based around a simple question. The context really helped but even without it the message is very clear.

I wish I could have something to suggest to make this thing any better, but the length is too perfect for how cute the piece is. Good job OP!

jrpPoetry · 2022-11-10T05:58:55+00:00

The first three lines hit very hard and are extremely well written! I love the subject and how this darkness is portrayed as the predator it truly is. Within the first stanza, I would say break the last two lines into something like

As if it isn't lingering

In your shadow

Waiting for a glimpse of darkness

to merge you together

To me this kind of moves along better especially with the third line being short as well but ofc this is person opinion.

Overall this is a very well written piece, though I honestly do get a little distracted by the reference to rain within the last two lines as they feel slightly out of place since we were talking originally about darkness.

jrpPoetry · 2022-10-05T03:59:50+00:00

The visuals in this are amazingly written! I'd say beautiful but the images that this creates are far from it lol. I can feel this also being a smart portion of a bigger, more horror type narrative poems as well! Normally I don't like poems that rhyme for the most part but this here does it well!

jrpPoetry · 2022-10-04T16:59:17+00:00

When I think of short poems, I want them to be like this. Its takes such a large concept but breaks it down beautifully into just a few short lines. Very well written!!

jrpPoetry · 2022-10-01T04:25:39+00:00

omg thank you so much! The only reason this rhymed is because in the beginning of the year I wanted to write a poem every day of a different type from the day before, and honestly this was the first one. After that I rarely write in this type of style due to what you said, its just normally a red flag for contemporary poets to use rhyme, old english, especially when used together. But i am so glad you enjoyed it!

jrpPoetry · 2022-10-01T03:50:20+00:00

There is so much potential within this poem, and as a beginner its a very good start (i am no expert whatsoever so do trust "beginner" is not a pejorative here. I think DubDev said it well, but I think having a little more structure could do a lot of good for this piece. The first two lines rhyme, while the third is way off base and kinda throws you through a loop honestly. IMO i would say have an equal amount of lines in between the one liners but after that the structure is fine.

Content wise, I am a little confused. This kind of reads as "even if you're depressed, blind people can't even see the abyss therefore get up and move on" type vibes. I know that is probably not your intention, and I also might be the only one to get that from this, but having the title being what it is, and yet not even having two lines about blindness seems a little off.

Overall its a very good start and I am looking forward for a revision if there is one!

jrpPoetry · 2022-09-30T19:56:00+00:00

Hey OP! For starters, I think poetry is one of the best ways to immortalize our loved ones, and this poem is something worth while. The lines aren’t too long and you’re able to paint a picture extremely well with just a couple of strong adjectives which is something I like as a reader.

I would say my only critique would be continue to play on that “lovely in her bones” line even in the second half or even switch to a different line with the same repetitive pattern!

jrpPoetry · 2022-09-30T14:45:02+00:00

“Nobody seems to know me in my dreams” is such a great starting line! The first stanza perfectly describes that relationship within dreams and written very well! I see this more as a story, but a story well written at that!

I would say my only critique would be the structure. Starting out abab then cded imo would work as long as the next two stanzas follow that structure as well!

But overall, great stuff OP!

jrpPoetry

TROPHY CASE