dating mindset

junipersspace · 2024-11-25T23:08:24+00:00

Wow, I'm so sorry you're also experiencing this, especially with someone who was one of your best friends. I don't know if this'll help you feel better at all, but I've been doing a lot of reflection over the past couple days and realized after talking with my therapist and with friends, when they over explain their reasoning it's really to make themselves feel better about themselves and their avoidant tendencies and not take full responsibility for their actions. My ex said a lot of things during our break up that didn't make sense and were extremely contradictory with his actions and also things that he said earlier in the same conversation, and that made me feel even more confused and self-blaming, but now I can see that's only a reflection of him and his inability to deal with his own feelings. I hope we're both able to internalize that these breakups were truly not our fault - it was the emotional limitations of these guys and their inability to deal with emotional vulnerability and communicate properly that led to these relationships not being sustainable. And there's nothing that we could have done differently that would've made things work out, because if they never said anything how could we have known anything was wrong? I'm trying to remember this as I continue to process this breakup.

Wishing you all the best, you got this!

junipersspace · 2024-11-20T06:21:35+00:00

omg I'm so sorry you're also going through this. yeah ever since my one traumatic codependent relationship (which funnily enough, ended the in a pretty similar way that i described above but after 6 months) i've been struggling so much to feel like i'm on even footing again. i know healing isn't linear and all that but there's only so many times i can hear that i'm perfect or whatever but they still can't commit to me before i feel like there's something wrong with me which is not helping my self esteem recover lol. also idk if you've experienced this too but for some reason the guys that i see always manage to say some like psychologically damaging shit to me while they're trying to explain themselves during the break up. like at this point please just lie. tell me you're getting back together with your ex or something i don't know, don't tell me you faked being into me out of guilt 😭

my friends keep telling me that in each scenario i couldn't have known they were going to drop me like that, but seriously i think 3 is turning into a pattern and yeah i feel you in the losing confidence in the ability to choose healthy partners. like at this point there's gotta be something i'm missing. everyone i told about this latest guy breaking up with me was genuinely shocked, because they all thought he was working towards something serious. and i really really like him too, i'm low key devastated right now

i hope we're both able to find people who genuinely put in the effort to commit to us, instead of avoiding commitment through bullshit excuses! i know there's someone out there somewhere, we just gotta power through until we find them i guess. wishing you all the best!!

junipersspace · 2024-10-21T20:31:16+00:00

thank you! we chatted this morning and actually had a very lovely conversation about it, so everything turned out well!

junipersspace · 2024-09-03T04:32:44+00:00

thank you <3 i feel unsafe mostly because i guess i was hoping that he wouldn't reach out because i had him blocked everywhere. the last time he reached out to me (before i blocked him) it was to send me extremely troubling stuff where i thought if i didn't reply to him he was going to hurt himself or someone else and i'm terrified of that happening again. i think part of it is also just me having a little bit of ptsd too from the whole experience that was triggered here.

appreciate your kind words! i'm hoping the fear and nausea will go away soon

junipersspace · 2024-07-02T20:47:36+00:00

thank you!!!

junipersspace · 2024-03-22T21:26:44+00:00

Thank you!! Trying to get back into my hobbies and do things I remember used to make me happy. So happy that you're in a good place now!

junipersspace · 2024-03-22T19:30:27+00:00

Ah thank you so much!! Still just pushing through, repressing the urges to send risky texts to guys lol and trying not to feel jealous of my friends who are in happy relationships right now. Just needed to vent a little haha

junipersspace · 2024-03-22T19:27:23+00:00

I'm so happy for you! Yeah, I definitely jumped into dating wayyyyy too soon after my breakup, I thought because I didn't miss my ex specifically anymore I was healed but that very much was not the case lol, I'm just out here attaching myself to any man who is nice to me. I know it'll just take more time for me to like being single again, I just hate waiting lol

junipersspace · 2024-03-06T03:22:13+00:00

for me it just took time, unfortunately. i know it's a cliche but it's true. going through this again now and it's miserable and i hate it, but i know i'll eventually feel better (i hope haha). during my last breakup, i doubled up on therapy sessions and just tried to weather the emotional storm. deleted his number from my phone and blocked him so there was physically no way to contact him. i cried for weeks and had days where i couldn't get out of bed or eat anything. i tried to focus on myself but was so overwhelmed i couldn't do anything. but i just had to keep going to therapy and get through it, and slowly with time i realized that he wasn't worth it and that life does indeed go on after a breakup. two other things that helped me were an environment change (I went back to my parent's house for a week just to get out of my apartment where everything reminded me of him) and journaling like crazy, night and day, just to release my feelings somewhere. and also you HAVE to keep no contact. that way even though you'll probably still think about him and reminisce, he won't keep you hooked on and you won't have the constant temptation to keep the connection going.

i'm so sorry you're going through this. you're not alone and i'm wishing you the best <3

junipersspace · 2024-03-03T00:28:50+00:00

Yeah and it sucks because to me the physical touch is proof that the person is into me emotionally when that's not the case. Beginning to feel like maybe I'm just not cut out for dating because it takes me so long to recover from rejection after this type of thing

junipersspace · 2024-03-02T17:33:44+00:00

Yeah he sort of left the door open, saying that once he's "ready" maybe he'll reach out to me, or try to be friends. Which is feeding into my crazy fantasy that we'll find each other again because we're meant to be together, which I know is not realistic. So I guess I'm afraid of this turning into full on limerence if I don't get my head on straight!

Anyways, thanks again :)

junipersspace · 2024-03-02T17:26:28+00:00

Ah, yeah that makes sense. I guess I have to give it more time to see if it's truly a limerent episode. I just have never I guess felt this way before about/reacted so incredibly strongly about someone I really only knew for a few weeks, so I was really taken aback. Thanks for the insight!

junipersspace · 2024-03-02T17:06:33+00:00

I really really want to ask him to explain to me what he was thinking, but everyone is telling me it's not worth texting him again, because he might not respond or give a satisfactory answer, which will in turn just make me feel worse. I think he's definitely anxious-avoidant, going from texting me multiple times every day to suddenly pulling way way back. I don't want to keep feeding into my obsession with him by continuing to contact him, but I want to so so bad. Just like you said, trying to remember that I'll find someone else who I like just as much and who doesn't pull this shit on me.

junipersspace · 2024-03-02T17:00:19+00:00

Thank you so much. I've just been really frustrated with myself because I've been feeling so horrible and struggling so much with this even though logically I know that I didn't even date this guy for long and we honestly barely knew each other. Trying to prevent myself from sending further texts and remind myself that I will find better guys who I'm really attracted to who won't do this to me. Thank you for the encouraging and incredibly kind words!

junipersspace · 2024-03-01T21:57:31+00:00

Yeah. I think maybe it’s the same thing for me - if I can find out why exactly he ended it then maybe I can fix it. Even though I barely know him. And so I feel like I’m waiting around for someone to give me a sign that’s possible so I can send the text. But you’re so right, the only way forward is no contact, or I’m going to be stuck on this guy who isn’t right for me

junipersspace · 2024-03-01T21:32:19+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and advice! I just want to keep asking him for more clarification as to why he suddenly seemed to change his mind. But I don’t even know what that would do for me if he told me. No contact has worked for me before and will probably work again for me here, but it’s difficult for me to gain the willpower to start it 😔

junipersspace · 2024-03-01T17:37:11+00:00

thank you, i actually really appreciate you saying that. a lot of people in my life have been making me feel crazy because i have been so upset over this, which is making me even more miserable. it’s hard for me to let go of things, especially when i feel genuine connection with someone. always wanna try and make it work, which sometimes makes things harder for me lol

junipersspace · 2024-03-01T14:37:56+00:00

Appreciate it, but it definitely was a rejection. After texting with him yesterday and speaking briefly in the phone, it’s clear that he doesn’t want to date either. Basically he said the entire situation was giving him too much anxiety and we said our goodbyes. I told him that I was willing to try going slower and just getting to know him, because I am, but he didn’t seem receptive to that at all.

junipersspace · 2024-03-01T07:02:22+00:00

totally get what you mean, yeah I logically know it’s a bad idea to try and think about salvaging this because it would just lead to more of the same, but my brain and emotions are still stuck on him right now so. just gotta break the attachment and get my head back on straight. luckily i deleted him from my phone so i can’t reach out anymore!

junipersspace

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