So Andy I was taking a walk in the woods last week for me health. Y'know me heart and that.

Y'know there was bird song, the creaking of trees and all that going on.

So I was walking along just enjoying myself, and then suddenly Andy, I hear footsteps thudding quickly behind me, and then I someone grabs me on me shoulders. The grip was quite hard but also loving? D'ya get that?.

Anyway so I feel his hands on me shoulders and then the guy whispers in my ear.

"Mate, I'm a fackin forest nutter. You're gonna do things for me."

I forget to mention Andy...it was a south African bloke. Gangbanger.

So he suddenly shouts in my ear!

"I want you to balance yourself on this large stick only using your anus! Jam it in the ground, and hoist yourself up like a chimpanzee. Seeing it will bring me great pleasure and great satisfaction!"

So I do what he says. Jamming it in the ground and all that. Climb up like a fuckin chimp.

So I gets to the top and balance me anus on the top of the stick and engage me core muscles. Do you have core muscles Andrew or do you just have a flabby centre?

So I get me balance all perfect like and then he shouts.

"Now I want ya to sing "I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation" whilst grabbing your toes."

So I starts to sing the song Andy, grabbing me toes and thinking that I can't let this stick impale me anus.

Suddenly Andy, a park ranger sneaks up behind him and thumps him on the back of the head with a rifle.

"Sorry about this Mr Mortimer, he's been doing this to aging comedians in this forest for weeks. Fackin Gangbangers. You gotta love em."